Warning: angst, mention of suicide...Language..for a bitty word or
Dear someone, anyone, who ever the fuck will ever read this...
I have no goddamned idea why I am writing in this book. A warrior
admits his emotions to no one...Not even a scrap of paper, for
anything might betray you.
Like anybody cares about me...
This is so pathetic.
Me, Ma junia...reduced to stupid letters in a stupid journal. Am I
not stronger than have to reduce myself to scrawling thoughts onto a
bit of trash?
Feh...*sigh* I guess it really isn't so stupid after all. Not when I
really think about it. It does help get the more morbid thoughts out
of one's mind... Though for me... It still doesn't do much good. It
just let's me know just how fucked-up I really am.
For some reason a question has been plagueing me since I heard the
news. I had thought I didn't care... But as far as controling my
emotions... I am striking out every time.
The question is: can the dead still live?
Can one be alive yet dead on the inside? My theory is yes. It is
possible... I hate this. I feel so torn and empty and I have never
felt that way about anybody for anything in my entire life...
That was before Gohan...
My entire life seems to revolve around that kid.
Though... he isn't really a kid...any..more...
That name once sent joy shouting through me...
Now it harbors only pain.
Gohan gave me this journal when he was only about seven years old. We
had just gotten back from Namekusei and it was his birthday. He asked
me to show up. I really hate noise and kids. The two combined is
enough to make me go into a rage. But, somehow... this kid was
different. I didn't mind doing all those things for him,
embarrassing myself horrendously. After a few years I finally
admitted the face to myself that I cared for him. I would do anything
Anything to see that smile.
Those warm laughing eyes. That curious, and cheerful voice. A warm
embrace. A whispered "Piccoro-san Dai Suki."
It melted my shell...the wall that I had built around myself,
promising myself that as long as it was there that nobody would hurt
Was I ever wrong.
With infinite persistance, Gohan pierced that shell with his smiles,
laughter, hugs and his love towards me. For the first time in my
life, I felt complete... I had found the heart I had denied myself
for so long.
Even as an adult, now, he still wields that unidentifible power over
me..over my soul...over my heart...
The heart I thought I never had...
He has broken it.
He went and he married her!
Off all people... why? Am I not good enough?
It was then that I realized something, watching the way he laughs
when sees her, the way he smiles, thinking of her... the way my heart
tears when I see that warmth directed elsewhere.
He doesn't need me anymore.
I am useless now. Never again will he need my guidence or my words of
caution.He is grown now and capable of making his own
descisions...and his own mistakes.
I don't know if I am capable of living alone once more.
It hurts so much now... Even with my thoughts... I am still alone.
I don't know if I can bear being alone again.
But for his sake I will try...
I love him... all that I do is for him.
Only for him...
I am messing up this journal. I have cried only once in my entire
life and now here I am sobbing like an idiot... I am so pathetic...
I am stronger that this!!
..I........ *sobbing is heard*
I don't deserve him...I am not strong enough for him.
Perhaps he percieved that even before I did....Perhaps that is the
reason he didn't chose me.....
Perhaps... I am not worth it...
Maybe...there is a way to end all this... The pain, the ache... the
emptiness... I don't want this anymore... I can't handle it... I need
release... And I don't care what happens to me...
I only care about him....
And he cares nothing for me...
I have to go... I can't stand this anymore...