Ashes to Ashes
Song: "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas
It's been a year and a day since I stood here. Three hundred and sixty-six days since my heart crystallized into black, fathomless glass. And only last night that it shattered again.
I remember how you like the snow you'd find it serenely beautiful today, I think. It snowed the day you left, too. I watched the small, insignificant flakes form mounds of powdered white on the marble of your name as others wept around me. I don't remember what they said, though, love it was so unimportant. And the pain it was so fresh
It's brisk and bitter this afternoon. Not like the nights we used to spend by the fire, warmed by the passion of our Saiyan nature, the heat of fire and flesh, molding and blending into a brilliant baptismal of ecstasy and rapture
But I try so hard not to think about that
It just makes this that much harder to do.
Ancient cultures believed that after a year and a day, the dead would rise to join the living again. I wonder if that's why I chose this day, this time, so close to evening, so near to the time you
Kami-sama, I can't do this I can't
But I have to.
If I could just...get a grasp on the pain...this grief...it's eating me from the inside...it...hurts
So much...just to hear your name. Spoken from the lips of othersit's blasphemous...and I want to scream at them not to taint the sanctity of your name
But the words never come.
And they they keep talking
The ground is packed, a tundra of ice and cold that seeps through the denim of my jeans. Yeah, I started wearing them. You always did tease me about being too uptight. But I guess, without you, there's really nothing to hold on to
The snow crunches as I kneel; it's the only sound in the dim lit desolation of the cemetery. Withered remains of lilies and roses litter the barren ground and I clear them away from the clear-cut indentation of your name.
Vegeta no Ou.
I'm...sorry they put up the tombstone, love. I know you didn't want it...but the words to protest didn't come then either. And it helps them. Trunks comes here often, I think, to talk to you. He's still immersed in the guilt of what happened he's convinced it's his fault. But you probably already knew that, ne?
I feel like it's my place to comfort him, but I can't seem to find the words these days Every time I open my mouth to speak the only word I can seem to utter is your name. And then the pain surges to consume me and I'm lost in your memory again
~I close my eyes
Only for a moment, then the moment's gone ~
"Vegeta?" I swear I felt your hand on my shoulder, the fiery satin tangible even through my bulky knit sweater but when my head whips backward in response, the only sight I'm greeted with is the dusky grey of a sunset swallowed by snow and sadness. And it's so cold the only real feeling I've had since your blazing warmth was stripped away.
A heavy sigh bleeds through the thickening silence of winter's kiss and I turn my face to the intricacies of minute, crystallized designs that float so leisurely toward the earth. Cold on cold. Feeling without feeling. Kami-sama it's too soon I shouldn't have to give you up so soon
But Otousan said he'd take me to a doctor if I don't do something. I keep telling him there's no one in this world who can help me. Funny, they act as though they don't know what's wrong with me.
But I do.
I too have a disease and I know what it is.
I'm dying of a broken heart.
~All my dreams
Pass before my eyes, a curiosity ~
The surface is smooth beneath my fingertips, this monument, this unholy reminder of our mortality. I'm surrounded by them, stoic, statuesque, like sentinels, silent archangels spreading frozen wings hopeful toward heaven. They're supposed to bring comfort, but I find them infinitely depressing eternally reaching for unattainable bliss
Bowing my head, I welcome the moaning sigh of blistering wind that tousles matted raven strands. It screams and cries as it tears through the deathly quiet, rousing the leafless trees to shudder and bend in the aftermath of its mourning. Even the elements grieve for thee, my love
I wonder if we would have had children I know you already bore the title, answered to the name. But I often wondered what our children would have been like
If they would have called me `tousan Papa
If they would have had your eyes
Kami-sama be merciful make the pain, this rasping ache just make it go away
And Bra...she keeps asking about you, you know. "Papa always comes back", she says. No one has the heart to contradict her...to tell her the dragonballs won't work this time. And when I see your ironclad determination in her eyes
I can't help it, love. I know it's weak...but...Kami-sama, have you ever tried holding the tide at bay with just a wish?
~Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea ~
I almost got through a whole week without breaking down. Seven days
And then...I found one of your training shirts mixed in with the laundry, still thick with your obtrusive scent of sweat and masculinity
And I just lost it, lover. I couldn't help it. I started thinking about the way you smell, the way you smiled, when you did how you used to smile just for me. Usually when I did something stupid, or mundanely cute. I don't know how you put up with that you were always so adamant about pretenses
How you smell
How you smile
How Kami-damned soft that unmanageable mane is was
And your skin I can't even find the words to describe that heavenly sensation of silk and velvet, let along the feeling I got when I touched you
And how perfect your fingers always looked, interlaced with mine
I'd do anything to have that again.
But the icy marble yields no secrets, and the words that have worn a treaded path in my mind still stare with the same sick shade of neutralizing grey. Like ashes
Oh Kami I'm going to be sick
No I have to do this. I've already waited too long. I can't I can't keep pretending that holding on to this one little thing will bind you closer to me
Because you're gone
Kami-sama, I'm so tired but I don't understand why. I count the minutes until I can sleep, when your arms are real around me In my dreams, you are mine again your quiet ways, your methodical touch, a flickering flame of your infamous passionmine again to cherish clutch even as it slips into the amber light of dawn and I awaken to a chill, empty bed that bears the lingering musk of your skin
~All we do
Crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see ~
I did what you asked, lover. I didn't let them bury you. I know how much your traditions meant to you and I'm grateful for every one of them that you shared with me. The bonds, the battlelust I still bear your mark. The one you left on my thigh that night we made love in the sand, the evening tide licking at our enraptured figures I think, sometimes, that it's beginning to fade, but I know it's just my imagination, my paranoia you told me the scar was permanent. I know that I just everything else is gone I'm so afraid
You told me so much but you never told me you were going to die
Sometimes I still catch myself staring at the stars, searching for the one you showed me, the empty space that once held your elegant legacy.
But I can't seem to find it without your help my eyes aren't as sharp and they all look the same to me now
And all I really know is that a year ago the stars lost their luster.
But you, my love I'll never forget the savagery of celestial wonderment that shone like wild illuminating nebulas in the midnight of your sacred eyes. You hid so much from the world, my prince why you chose to share it all with me
Kami-sama I want to go with you. I want to be a part of that stellar kingdom you've journeyed to. I want to sit at your feet and listen to the ancients rewrite history. I want
It's been a year and a day since I stood here, but it's been seven since I've given you my heart. A year since your indomitable spirit joined its forefathers, another glittering constellation in a tapestry of gossamer silver. I wouldn't let them bury you, love. I did what you asked. My shaking finger lit the pyre that saw your soul ascend...saw you become more grand than the sun itself
But now your shimmering star has expired, your sun extinguished by the jealous hand of Father Time
And I I can't afford to keep looking for the black hole where it used to be
~Now don't hang on
Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky ~
I I have to let you go now, lover I can't keep waiting for you to burst into the kitchen, demanding service .
No matter how many extra sandwiches I make
Or to feel the protection of your arms in the night when it's so cold I can see my breath and I haven't the strength to turn on the heat nor the desire
It's beautiful, really the urn they gave me. It still amazes me that something so small could possibly contain the amount of power and passion that was everything you were
Porcelain that antique blue that's made to look old. Detailed depictions of Grecian satyrs chasing nymphs they will never catch so unlike you. I can tell it's something Bulma picked outit has her tasteless quality engraved in its very design. I would have gotten you something more fitting but I I can't open it I my chest tightens at the thought, and the tears slip down my face before I can think to be strong
But that's what I have to do today.
I have to let you go
Oh, Kami, lover, forgive me! I know you're not here, that the stone beneath my arms isn't your immaculate flesh, nor the wind in my hair your enticing voice, but it's more tangible than your memory and right now I need something, anything that doesn't blow away when I whisper your name
I want to die, I swear it. I want to go with you, be with you, have you hold me like you used to, even if I have to pull your arms around me. I know you were too stubborn to admit your affections, but your eyes, love your eyes
Oh Kami-sama I I can't do this it hurts
~It slips away
And all your money won't another minute buy ~
Rage is such an easy emotion to conjure to handle pain, and I can't help but do as you've taught me let it flow through me, obliterating everything that holds meaning save the anger you taught me so much
But you never taught me how to deal with your death.
I feel like the earth itself is slipping out from under me and I don't know which way is up, where I'm going, what I'm doing or why why
Why didn't you tell us you were sick? Damn your Saiyan pride
Dammit, Vegeta! We we we could have done more! Something anything Trunks he tried, but there wasn't enough time
And you you just slipped away took my heart, my life, my will to live and you damned it to the next world with your spirit.
I hate you for that.
And I love you for allowing me to love you
Kami-sama, my prince, my love what am I without you? My confidence has deserted me, my verve for life cast to the four winds that blow through the deepening dusk of an uncaring winter night. I don't care how it ends now I know how it began.
It began with a look that led to a kiss that led to breakfasts in bed and midnight spars You never once said you loved me.
But I knew.
I knew by the way you caressed me in the dark, the way your hands memorized my body without light to taint our blissful euphoria
The way your eyes would follow my every action, body unmoving, like a cat hypnotized with shadows on the wall
The way you would stop whatever you were doing, for no reason at all, and simply kiss me
The way you eventually let me love you.
I don't know why I was so blessed why Kami deemed me worthy to gain your affections, but I am unspeakably grateful. I know we had years but it took years to earn your trust, years to delve into the labyrinth of your past, through dead ends and demons to break the gates that held your heart enclosed. And just when it was all falling into place
You blew away
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.
~Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind.~
It's gotten darker than I imagined I've been staring at the snow for so long I never noticed the encroaching shades of grey always grey like your skin your lips when you were ill
I've grown to hate that colour.
My pants are soaked through, the flesh beneath numbed to the point of pain. But physical pain is something I can focus on, a discomfort I can cradle, conserve, conceal Not like this evasive ache that seeps and stabs, swelling expanding
I know I have to open it now, before the darkness swallows me completely and I am left with the sunlit hours of another hateful day to ponder
Soft like your fingers in my hair, your lips at my throat, the wind glides on lover's whispers and mourner's cries. Closing my eyes to the eerie tranquillity that staves the chaos within for only an instant, I wonder if you're here with me
Rich musk, a teasing scent on the breeze gone before I can turn my head
The indulgent chuckle of your sadistic humour recorded over by the crescendo and rustle of playful gusts through floral abdication
"Vegeta ?" Hopeful
And as the wind picks up, crisp and clutching around my tall frame, I feel eased snowflakes twirling in a spiral minuet between my outstretched limbs as frozen fingers, devoid of sensation, unclasp the lid
~Everything is dust in the wind.~
Your kissable lips
Your flashing eyes
Your unruly hair
Your possessive arms
Your powerful thighs
Your meticulous hands
Your disciplined stride
Your inflexible temper
Your elegant throat
Your royal brow
Your defining pride
Your majestic regality
Your resilient arrogance
Your insurmountable strength
Your modest compassion
Your welcoming warmth
Your laconic wit
Your charismatic humour
Your confounding mockery
Your intrinsic confidence
Your righteous passion
Your inhering sadness
Your foiling complexity
Your undeniable will
Your rigid determination
Your stately resignation
Your unequivocal honour
Your patient indulgence
Your beguiling avarice
Your contemptuous hate
Your unadulterated love