Clinging To My Military Past
For the past 10 years, I have felt lost. It was in August of 1995 that I got out of the Army and made my way into the unknown. Sure I stayed around the military for a few years after, but it just wasn't the same, nor have I managed to "deal" with the emotions and feelings of being separated from the life, friends or places. And for these 10 years, I haven't talked about any of this.
I cry when I watch "China Beach", "Over There" or any war/military movies. I was never in combat per se, but seeing the actors on screen portraying people, as if they KNEW the people I knew. Each character brings back a memory for me, of a person I knew. There are those I truly do not want to remember. But then there are those I can't quite remember in detail. The time that has passed has erased some of the memories. And some of the faces are no longer as clear to me.
My biggest fear is that I will lose all my memories. As sure as I have lost those who were closest to me during my military days, I can foresee losing all that had been done and said, seen and heard. Even looking at pictures now of the friends I had had , brings tears to my eyes as I can no longer remember the names.
All I have now are fragments of the life that meant so much to me. A life that changed me forever in ways most people cannot comprehend. People wonder why I now cannot make friends, nor can I keep lasting relationships.
The military life is so different than civilian life. Wherever you go it is so easy to make friends. The friends you do make are more of a family to you than your own family far away. You swear to each other you will always stay in touch. The miles apart make it so hard to do that. Friends become lost.
It feels like I'm living in a abyss. I really don't belong in this new world. At times I wish my military days could have lasted forever. The hurt and uncertainty grows deeper in me every day. My family and friends do not understand it. There is no point of reference for them. They feel that I should have gotten "over" all of this years ago. But I cannot. Every day now I spend hours online looking for my lost friends. I know deep down that they are lost for good. And I cry.
The Army friends I have managed to find, have changed also. While I still am clinging to the past, they have managed somehow to move ahead and only look back on few occasions . Maybe it is their way of dealing with the changes they had to undergo. My only way of dealing is to cling to the memories and photos I still have. Maybe someday I'll finally let go of it all.