It has been over ten years for me since I personally found out I have PTSD. Since then I probably have had only a handful of nights of truly good sleep. My appetite has never been the same as before the incident, which brought on the PTSD. Even my sexual appetite has changed greatly. Without rhyme or reason an event, a smell, a person or a wide variety of things can trigger a flashback.
In the beginning, I kept to myself. I tried to just curl up in my bed and hope sleep would finally come. In those days I did manage a few hours of sleep, although restless, it was still sleep. As time went on, I was prescribed numerous medications to bring about sleep. I became a sleeping pill junkie of sorts, not able to fall asleep on my own. It wasn�t until a few months ago that I became able to fall asleep without medications.
My appetite has gone from eating like a bird, to not eating at all. Since 1993 I have lived daily on a candy bar and soda. When I do eat a �real� meal, it always makes my stomach ache. Somehow, I�ve still managed to gain weight, probably because all I eat are �comfort foods�.
The reason for my PTSD was not combat. It was the result of being raped by my supervisor. Immediately after the rapes occurred, I did not want anything to do with anyone, male or female. But something happened to me after my attacker was released and all charges were dropped....I turned into an insatiable nymphomaniac. It never mattered to me who I was sleeping with, only that I felt cheap. Let me explain this whole concept to you. The Army, my superiors as well as fellow soldiers all told me that I brought it on myself, because I�m a woman. Even fellow women soldiers tormented me with their comments. Since everyone else thought I was promiscuous, I started to act it out. I never actually realized I was doing this until a year ago.
Nightmares and daymares are a constant threat to me. If I am in an enclosed area with a man, I start to panic. At times I have heard a voice that sounds like my attackers and I immediately relive everything in my head. If by chance I watch a program or movie on TV and there was any reference to a man attacking a woman, I can be rest assured that I will have nightmares all night.
My ex-husband came back from Bosnia, after a hellish year over there. Something had changed in him. I never did pinpoint it. He refused to go seek out any type of psychological help, because soldiers are strong and work things out on their own.
It has taken me years to finally come to terms (partly) with everything that happened to me. But it was a long road with many turns and twists. I still am in counseling once a month and go to a support group once a week at least. I believe that had I not gotten help, I would have died. Maybe not died in terms of not having a heartbeat, but died as a person.
PTSD is a tragic consequence of any violence. Until the rest of society looks at it as not being the sufferers� fault, then many more people will live a tormented life. Having PTSD does not make you a BAD person, only a person who truly needs someone to talk to who can empathize!
***Side note: If you are a soldier or former soldier who experiences sleep pattern differences, change in attitude, increased anxiety or anger levels, has flashbacks or problems with relations and/or sex, I urge you to please seek out help!
