“It’s that moment
of dawning comprehension that I live for.”
-Hobbes
Moments of
Clarity
Compiled by Omar Ahmad
The Characters
Omar "The only brown person in the entire group" Ahmad
Ian "You can't substitute a clever phrase for the best middle name ever, Craig" Strathdee
Andrew "Sniff…time for Young Life" Sivertsen (a.k.a Andy)
Magdalyn "I DO NOT SQUINT! (even though she does)" Griffith (a.k.a. Maggie)
Lisa "I should just wear an ‘I am gullible’ sign on my back" Curless (a.k.a. Lisa)
Stephanie "I'll eat your food while you're not looking" Burrough (a.k.a. Steph)
Louise "I've worked at Sears for years and so far only cancer has stopped me" Wilson
Brian
"What's his name? You know? The guy with the muscles?" McCluskey
Jeffrey “Look at me I’m all covered in Ivy and shit!” Sandberg (a.k.a. Jeff)
Geoffrey “It may not be his name, but Bowersocks sounds funny” Bower (a.k.a. Geoff)
Kathryn “I’m not sure I want to be in here (you have no choice)” Cabay (a.k.a. Katie)
Maggie: “What makes you a genius?”
Omar: "I'm not sure...I'm not a genius yet. When I am I'll tell you."
Maggie: "Me too. It's going to be great when we're geniuses, isn't it?"
Omar: "I think you're a genius when people start making web pages devoted to things you've just said randomly…and then people find them and put them in their profiles. At least that's the new definition for the age of the internet."
Maggie: "That's brilliant!"
Omar: "A day will come when everything we say will be regarded as profound and timeless...even if it's just 'I have to go to the bathroom for the betterment of mankind.'"
Lisa: (Flipping out and laughing hysterically almost to the point of crying) "I can't stop... laughing if you... keep looking... at me."
Maggie: (Staring DIRECTLY at Lisa in a calm, cool, precise and totally sweet way for a good 20 seconds before speaking) "Wait...do you not want me to look at you?"
“Oh my god! The sabbatical worked! I'm out of my mind!”
-Ian
Maggie: “Lisa it’s time to get up…come on Lisa.”
Lisa: (Thoroughly wrapped up in her blanket) “Umm…I’m stuck.”
“I’m always getting bailed out at the last minute. That’s why I’m not worried about getting lung cancer. If I do, they’ll probably come up with a cure the next day.”
-Ian, on his good luck
Omar: “So how was the ride back? Pretty uneventful?”
Lisa: “Yeah, pretty much…except for the ostriches.”
Ian: "Guess what Sivertsen...there's this guy in my econ class that looks like John Mayer."
Andy: "Is his name Howie Day?"
Ian: "No, his name is Frank Stevens."
Andy: "Is his name John Mayer?"
Ian: “Look how squinty my eyes are! I’m going to have to walk around like a Chinese man.”
Omar: “Yeah, but you’ll have to get two feet shorter first.”
Ian: “Yeah, I know. How tall is a Chinese basketball player? 5’7”?”
“If I ever seem coexistant, it’s because I’m un-exoted”
-Omar, the drunken IM that will live in infamy
Ian: (about the infamous drunken IM) “I would really love to know what you meant at that point.”
Omar: “So would I!”
“Man, what is going on inside your head? I'd like to see.”
-Maggie, probably about the IM that will live in
infamy
Maggie: “Can you uncanny* across the room?”
Omar: “I did once. It wasn’t pretty. My room isn’t big enough.”
(*insert any random verb or verbed word)
Omar: (Waking Ian at 4:20 AM) “Good morning, sunshine!”
(Ian groans and grabs Omar’s head)
Later that morning…
Ian: “The only thing I was thinking at that moment was ‘I’m going to grab Omar’s head.’”
Maggie: “What’s the name of that song?”
Omar: “Do you miss me?”
Maggie: “No, but what’s the song called?”
Maggie: “They want me to be in the SASA show next year.”
Omar: “Yeah! A western, white, feminist will fit in real well.”
Ian: "Hey Sivertsen, guess what I discovered that helps get rid of sunburn??"
Andy: (very excited) "Jizz?!"
“What is it though? I want to know what helps sunburn!”
-Lisa, upon reading the quote above
“The tortoise is great, but I’m going to have to work on the lemur.”
-Andy, on his new comic strip (even funnier without context)
“You guys realize that if we don’t steal a sign tonight I’m going to go back to ISR and committing suicide.”
-Ian, on stealing neon signs from bars (luckily we got a sign!)
“You know what the worst part is? I can see myself growing up, marrying a big slut and becoming the foreman at some factory.”
-Ian, on his predictions for his future
Ian: (Referring to AIM profiles) “Is that profile material?”
Omar: “Hell yes! Except for the fact that I’m going to forget it by the time we get back.”
Ian: (Referring to vitamin and mineral supplements) “Can you believe all that stuff cost me $18?”
Omar: “You know what you’re problem is? You spend money on both drugs AND stuff to counteract those drugs. You’d probably save a lot of money if you just exercised once in a while and ate healthy.”
Ian: “Yeah, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.”
“I like diarrhea. It makes me feel clean.”
-Ian, I don’t think this really needs an explanation
(Ian and Omar across the street in the Levis Visitors Center looking for a place to smoke.)
Janitor on 4th floor: “Are you guys supposed to be here?”
Omar: “Oh, we were just bumming around, killing time.”
Janitor: (Looks at old people dancing on the floor below) “Unless you’re part of the alumni association you can’t be here.”
Omar: “Oh! (insert fake laughter here) I don’t think that’s us yet!”
(Ian and Omar leave the building)
Ian: “You know what? I bet if we’d offered him some, he’d let us smoke there.”
“So Omar, what are your intentions towards my daughter?”
-Maggie’s father, asking the most unusual question I’ve ever
been asked. The number of times I’ve been
asked this question since then is bordering on
ludicrous.
Maggie: “My pants smell like a man?”
Omar: “Do you smell like a man?”
“That’s stupid, but it’s hilarious.”
-Geoffrey Bower (My roommate), on anything and everything
that is supposed to be funny
“How do you spell krammet? As in that place across from your dorm?”
-Lisa, referring to the Krannert Center for the Performing Arts
“Straaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaight!”
-Ian, Omar, Andy, Maggie, Lisa and a whole lot of other
people who know us and recognize the straightness of
things
Omar: “I haven’t had any real coffee all semester. That’s probably why I sleep so much.”
Maggie: “But you don’t sleep at all.”
Omar: “That’s true. But if I do, I’ll do it to excess.”
Maggie: “I think it’s time for a Kermit voice.”
(Omar does Kermit voice, all present laugh)
Maggie: “umm…I think it’s time for a Kermit voice.”
Maggie: “Do you have The Phantom Tollbooth?”
Girl @ Video Store: “I’m sorry, it looks like it’s checked out. It’s due back tomorrow. In fact we’re the only store that has one. It looks like it was stolen from the other store.”
Maggie: “Who would just steal that movie? Hmm…I would probably steal it.”
“We are fucking rocked!”
-Maggie, she never actually said this in real life. This is the last
thing I remember from my dream following 4/20
(Omar and Steph in the kitchen studying physics and eating Gulab Jamun [Indian sweets])
Omar: “Alright, I’m going to go ask my dad about this one.”
(Omar leaves for a few minutes and comes back to find both plates empty)
Omar: “Steph…did you eat my food?”
Steph: (Looking around the kitchen nervously for an excuse) “…yes.”
Ian: “You’d think soy milk would be cheaper since it comes from a plant.”
Maggie: “Not at all. It’s vegan.”
Ian: “What does that mean?”
Maggie: “It means it’s all organic and stuff.”
Omar: “What she’s trying to say is that you’re gay.”
Lisa: “You can’t chug a gallon of milk in an hour, it’s physically impossible.”
Omar: “That sounds like a challenge to me!”
“You know what I’m talking about. Krispy Jizz …it’s right by Oh! Nuts and Heavenly Ham.”
-Omar, on the new Krispy Kreme in Davenport, IA and the various
other businesses surrounding it
“I’m never drinking again!”
-Ian, he says this every time he drinks
“I don’t remember what I said. All I remember is that it was so funny that Omar was laughing AND pointing at me.”
-Ian, on not having any short-term memory
Omar: “I just did the stupidest thing today. I took a shower and forgot to bring a towel.”
Ian: “Yeah, that happens to me all the time…well, twice.”
Andy: “Did you see? Jesus shaved his beard so now it’s like a goatee.”
Omar: “Does he look like Satan now?”
Andy: “No, he just looks like he shaved.”
“Dick Cheese…get it? It’s funny because his name is Richard Cheese.”
-Omar, on Richard Cheese
(Geoff is straightening the books on his top shelf and drops
the phone onto the floor, losing the battery cover)
Geoff: “Shit!”
(Omar laughs)
Geoff: “Did you see where the cover went?”
Omar: “Nope.”
Geoff: “Maybe it went under the bed.”
(Geoff pulls out the bed causing his alarm clock and clip-on lamp to crash to the floor)
Geoff: “Shit!”
Geoff: (looking at all the stuff that has fallen behind the bed over the semester) “Ooh! My raccoon!”
(Omar and Ian eating dinner discussing the Star Sandwich Shop, which has closed)
Omar: "So where is this place? Was it in the Quad Cities?"
Ian: "Yeah. You know where 19th St. turns into 18th St. in Rock Island?"
Omar: "Yeah."
Ian: "Well, it's not there."
"Wouldn't it be sweet if you could do this with your lungs? Just go in and scrape out all the things you don't want."
-Ian, while cleaning out his chillum
"Look at this! It's like Painting with Bob Ross."
-Ian, wiping the THC from his chillum onto a piece of
paper
"You can't just say it normally. You have to build up to it and just shout out 'PSYCH!!!!'"
-Omar, on the proper delivery of 'PSYCH!!!!'
Ian: (cleaning his chillum out in a double-shot of vodka) "Omar, we just found a great use for McCormick vodka."
Omar: "Yeah, drinking it just isn't working out."
"Whaer du"
-Ian, constantly
"Yeah, I wish I knew those people…oh, wait a minute, they go to Harvard…no I don't!"
-Omar, on a bunch of quotes from kids at Harvard
"Do you want me to punch you in the face?"
-Andy, constantly (hopefully someday Ian will say yes)
"You're hair does that cool thing when sticks out, mine just looks gay."
-Ian, on wearing hats backwards
Maggie: (wearing my U of I cap) "Doesn’t this just look horrible on me?"
Omar: "I don't know…it looks like a hat."
“You know what’s stupid about those commercials saying there’s chemicals in cigarettes that are also in rat poison? All they’ve done is confirm that I am, indeed, stronger than a rat.”
-Omar, on truth.com commercials
Ian: “When I was in high school I always wanted to become a big drug addict.”
Omar: “Why the heck would you want that?”
Ian: “Because they glamorize it in movies. I wanted to be the guy about whom everyone says ‘Look at him. He had so much potential. What a waste.’”
Omar: “I see.”
Ian: “Yeah, I guess I just wanted to be in movies.”
Omar: “Why did we ever decide to drink milk that comes out of a cow?”
Andy: “It’s just like babies getting milk from women’s
tits.”
Omar: “That’s what I’m saying. Who decides when it’s time to stop doing that?”
Ian: “Omar, have you heard my latest pick-up line?”
Omar: “No.”
Ian: “I walk up to a girl and say, ‘Hey, I’m in Off the Blue*.’ And then she says, ‘You’re in what?’ And then I say, ‘Later.’”
(*Off the Blue being the band in which Ian plays guitar)
Louise: (explaining why she invades everyone else's department at Sears) "I'm allowed to go to other departments because I'm officially a floater."
Omar: (chuckles) "I see."
Brian: "What did she just say?"
Omar: "She said she's a piece of crap."
(Omar and Ian leaving to go have a smoke)
Ian: "Alright, I just need to grab a belt first."
Omar: "Are your pants falling down?"
(Ian pulls up his pants)
Ian: "Yeah. When I was walking back from class I had to hitch up my pants
because they were falling off."
(Ian grabs his favorite belt)
Omar: "Ha! Your burlap belt."
Ian: "It's not burlap!"
(Ian starts putting on his belt and looks down realizing he's already wearing a
belt)
Ian: "Oh."
"Maggie...we're lost we need you to come find us! We got on a bus...it looked like an elephant!"
-Omar
(Maggie is quite fond of stepping in things i.e. food, boxes, etc.)
Maggie: “Oh my god! I just stepped in the tub of butter! It’s soooo cold and goopy! And the bad part is...”
Omar: “You're going to continue using the butter?”
Maggie: “I stepped in a box the other day...just for you.”
Maggie: “And you...”
Omar: “Are a punk? Are lazy?”
Maggie: “You, you are…”
Omar: “Are severely wanting in many areas? Are damn sexy?”
Maggie: “You are curious. Yes, that’s it.”
“What the hell do you want? ...I'm sorry, that was mean...what I meant to say was...What the hell do you want?”
-Omar’s AIM Idle Message
“Somehow, the spiked orange juice failed to write my paper for me.”
-Maggie, on papers and drinking and properly
combining the two
(I’m not sure, but I think we were talking about the Vagina Monologues… or maybe just vaginas in general)
Omar: “Ah, yes...the things you sacrifice for the vagina.”
Maggie: “How would you know? You're just a male!”
Omar: (Looking pretty ragged) “At the moment I probably look more like a child molester.”
Maggie: “Yes, but a solemn and wise child molester.”
(This conversation took place on AIM the same night as the IM that will live in infamy)
Omar: “We'll copy creidi down?”
Maggie: “I can't answer that question because I don't understand it.”
Omar: “I think I can reactecece the first hal of Life is a House.”
Maggie: “I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU!”
Omar: “Grosse Pointe…it’s a county in MI.”
(Maggie refuses to stand down from her position that I don’t invite her places despite the fact that I always call her)
Omar: “Why would I let Noah come and not you?”
Maggie: “Because you want to be his butt boy.”
“There's a lot more weed in snowboarding though...that's why they're relaxed...porn always looks so tense.”
-Omar, I really have no explanation for this one
(Nobody really remembers what this conversation was about)
Maggie: “What is this, 1-900-cumsluts?”
Omar: “What are you talking about?”
Ian: (about trying nitrous) “Omar, do you want to try it?”
Omar: “Not right now, maybe later.”
Ian: “You sure? Alright.”
(Leaving to go smoke 10 minutes later)
Omar: “Hey, Ian. Let’s bring a cartridge out with us.”
Omar: “Lord Sweet Pappy Johnson with an erection! …Gene Kelly!”
Maggie: “What the fuck?”
Omar: “You know who Gene Kelly is, right?
Maggie: “Yes, but I have not heard about his erection.”
“Haha...you said both savage and beast in one sentence!”
-Omar, on the humorous use of those two words in
one sentence
Omar: “All I know is that you scream whenever a goose comes near you.”
Maggie: “I have good cause!”
Omar: “I see...so you've experienced goose rage in the past?”
“I am so gullible!”
-Lisa, unwittingly giving me permission to mess with her
mind
Maggie: “Oh look! There are some people in those trees!”
Omar: “Yeah, that’s what we do here. At any given time you can find 10% of our
campus up in trees.”
Lisa: “Really?”
“How come I can remember shit that happened years ago, but I can’t remember what happened just 10 minutes ago?”
-Ian, giving voice to the lament experienced by everyone
appearing in this list
“How come when kids sing it a sound really cute, even if they aren’t that great, but when I do it’s rather painful? …Stupid punk kids.”
-Omar, on being old and not cute anymore
“Nietzsche has some very frightening things to say. I think philosophers are very frightening men.”
-Steph, on frightening philosophers (which are all of them)
(I can’t even begin to count how many times these particular phrases have been uttered)
Maggie: “Are you on drugs?”
Omar: “I was just being stupid.”
“It’s the end of my lungs as I know it!”
-Ian, singing to the tune of R.E.M.’s
It’s the End of the World
(I don’t know how many times or in how many different conversations Andy has dropped the “Penis Bomb”, but it never gets old)
Ian: “I’m going to play some guitar.”
Andy: “You’re going to play guitar with your penis?”
Ian: “No, I’m going to play with my hands.”
Andy: “You’re going to play your penis?”
“And I was like “Gloeckner!”…And was thrown into a bad funk.”
-Maggie, on being reminded of Jenny Gloeckner
Ian: “Hey, Omar. I have something to ask you. Umm…well…I want to try something new.”
Omar: “Really?”
Ian: “Yeah. Umm…I was thinking about trying…umm…nitrous.”
Omar: “Ian, why are you talking all nervous and quiet? Do
you think I’m going to think any less of you because of that?”
Ian: “Oh! Right! You’re not like everybody else.”
“Once again I have pulled an all-nighter only to end up
empty handed. Why
must papers be the bane of my existence?”
-Steph, on papers (perhaps we should start a support group)
“I'm going to go take a shower and reconcile with the day.”
-Steph, on giving up on work but not hygiene
(On coming up with an idea for a theme party)
Maggie: “The theme of my next party is: Omar.”
Omar: “Haha...that should be a colorful party...full of all sorts of browns and dark browns.”
“Funny story...So I get out my CD player and I just want to
hear O Mio
Bambino Caro and I keep pushing the button to move the numbers forward
and nothing happens. It just stays on the first song and I don't
understand what is going on and suddenly La Traviata just blasts out of
the little ear plugs and, oh my gosh, I was pushing the volume button!”
-Steph, on the importance of details
Omar: “Did she find shoes?”
Maggie: “No.”
Omar: “Too bad...but I DID offer!”
Maggie: “You offered her shoes? What size are you?”
Omar: “Well technically 10 ½, but it’s all relative.”
Maggie: “That wouldn't really work, Ohms.”
Omar: “Hey! It's the thought that counts. Besides...they're really cool.”
Maggie: “Need I say?”
Omar: “Hmmm...I would have to say yes. You would need to say it. Because then I could say ‘whatever.’”
Maggie: “What?”
(This one really needs some explanation. While having a conversation with Ian, a brilliant thought jumped into my head. However, the thought left as quickly as it came. The following line was the only thing I was capable of saying. Since then it’s become a staple of “Omar Conversation”)
Omar: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"
(Maggie being sad)
Omar: “Umm...I'm afraid the motherly instinct doesn't just start up in guys. What am I supposed to do? …Oh I know! Awwwwwwww.”
Andy: "Better is a day with god than a thousand elsewhere."
Ian: “Why?”
Andy: "Because God would be cooler than anything I could ever imagine."
Ian: “How do you know that?”
Andy: "Because he's God."
Ian: “Is that it?”
Andy: "Yeah."
“No. You are a male and not a feminist! Enemy number one!”
-Maggie, on me (Women of the world unite against a
common enemy…OMAR!)
Maggie: “If only women could make as much money as men and if we could walk around in a perpetual state of orgasm. What a wonderful world it would be!
Omar: “Whoa! …I'm all for the second one...but that first one...that's crazy!”
“What's a silver? And more importantly, why are you drinking so damn much?”
-Maggie, on learning of Bacardi Silver from me
Maggie: “Which one?”
Omar: “Never mind. That felt mean.
Maggie: “What?”
Omar: “I take it back.”
Maggie: “What?”
Omar: “The whole keep my mouth shut one.”
Maggie: “That was for me?”
Omar: “Whatever.”
Omar: “Sorry...there's a guy on Conan that looks like Bill Nye...and Bill Nye was here last weekend!”
Maggie: “I don't care.”
Omar: “Well...that was harsh and to the point.”
Omar: If you want to believe God is cool like that, then I guess it's not so ridiculous. But it's not for kids like us.”
Ian: “No, man. Its the fact that he can't say why God is so cool, or describe why he thinks God is cool, but still believes that god is the coolest.”
Omar: “Well you really can’t say. Nobody, even those who believe, can say what God is.”
Ian: “But we know that he's the best?”
Omar: “Oh, definitely. It says so in his biography.”
Ian: “Yeah, I guess so.”
Omar: "God is the coolest…John 4:29.”
Omar: “What do you want me to say?”
Maggie: “Wow, didn't you read the guy manual? You never ask a girl that.”
Omar: “Well obviously I did not! I figured I'd just wing it.”
Maggie: “THERE'S your first problem!”
“Besides…I’m channeling the spirit of Ella right now! He can’t do a damn thing about it!”
-Omar, on something to do with his roommate and
differences in music preference
Maggie: “I'm having a moment.”
OptmsPrim2: “Apparently.”
Maggie: “Alone, in my room.”
Omar: “Like a zen thing? Or more like a crack thing?
Maggie: “A zen thing, like how many babies fit in a tire.”
Omar: “Four.”
Maggie: “There's no answer, dammit!”
Omar: “Five.”
(We’ve had some problems in the past when I tried to help Maggie with her computer from 180 miles away)
Omar: “Can I send you something to try and help fix it? Or will you freak out?”
Maggie: “Go ahead…jackass.”
“I stared at Ian once for what seemed like hours, but was only minutes. If it would've gone on any longer, we'd probably feel awkward around each other now.”
-Omar
Omar: “Maybe I should be a writer!”
Maggie: “Yes! …Don't quit your day job.”
Maggie: “No one can make you feel inferior.”
Omar: “Oh please...you do a pretty good job.”
Maggie: “How shall I say this? …Never mind.”
Omar: “What? …Say it.”
Maggie: “I never had anything to say.”
“Sooooo...I'm quite naked right about now...you?”
-Omar, on late night AIM convos (are you naked now?)
“I can't wait to have a dingle dingle dingle.”
-Maggie, on having a double room all to herself
(this sounded really dirty until she explained it to
me)
Omar: “I cringe whenever I think about that.”
Maggie: “Smurf sex?”
Maggie: “Who have you most feared in your life?”
Omar: “Maggie.”
“If only I had a chalky pill of power!”
-Maggie, on mentos (honestly, those commercials make it
look like you could get away with murder as long
as you have a pack of mentos handy)
Brian: “Omar! Guess what I did last night!”
Omar: “Did you have sex?”
Brian: “…yes.”
Omar: “Old news, Brian. Come back after a night where you don’t have sex…then I’ll act surprised.”
(Brian probably doesn’t want this spread around, but I don’t see that I have any choice.)
Omar: “So, Brian. Did you have sex last night?”
Brian: “Umm…sort of.”
Omar: “What do you mean?”
Brian: “Well, it didn’t last very long.”
Omar: “Oh? How long? Five minutes?”
Brian: “About three seconds…she kept squirming!”
“Steal is such an ugly word…I prefer scam.”
-Brian, on our “scamming” over $1000 of merchandise
from Sears
Brian: “Hey! Guess what! I got the last Dreamcast.”
Omar: “Really? Did you use our scammed gift cards?”
Brian: “Yeah, and I got ten games!”
Omar: “How many gift cards did you have?”
Brian: “Only one. I used it on the Dreamcast. I just put the games in the bag and walked out.”
“What a great night! We stole a weed-whacker for a friend and that friend bought us beer. Now the only question is…where do we drink it?”
-Brian, on the days activities right before the greatest night
of drinking EVER!
Omar: “Are you happy?”
Maggie: “Is that a song?”
Omar: “No. Usually when followed by a question mark it is a question.”
Omar: “How were the cookies?”
Maggie: “Cookies? What?”
Omar: “I don't know. You said cookies earlier. I really wish I had some right
now.”
Maggie: “Sorry...I don't even have any to console you telepathically with.”
“Welcome to my world...the world
of perpetual bumming!”
-Omar,
on his frightening existence
Maggie: “We were going around the circle tonight asking
questions.”
Omar: “About?”
Maggie: “And one of them was ‘what super power would you want to have?’”
Omar: “What was your answer?”
Maggie: “I just want to be She-Ra. Oh, but I already am!”
Omar: “I don't recall "She-Ra" being a specific power.”
Maggie: “Omar...you sound like you're fighting villains all
day!”
Omar: “If I had super powers I certainly wouldn't be wasting them in school.
Although that would be contingent on other people having superpowers.”
Maggie: “Yeah, we couldn't have you just kicking ass too easily.”
“Maggie doesn’t go to a real school.”
-Ian, upon hearing about classes at Northwestern University
such as “Creating a New Story”
“I don't recall being fucked up as
a valid reason not to converse though.”
-Omar,
on copping out of conversations
“It's so much a part of who I am,
it's almost scary. If I wasn't a jerk I wouldn't be me!”
-Omar,
on himself
Omar: “What’s the deal with drugs?
Why does it feel so good to get ourselves fucked up?”
Ian: “Because reality bites!”
Omar: “Booyah!”
Maggie: “Hi.”
Omar: “That certainly isn't the proper response to ‘booyah!’”
Maggie: (about Samual L. Jackson) “Samuel knows what I'm talking about. I mean, Samuel L. I don't know him that well.”
Omar: “I call him Sammy, he calls me Motherfucker.”
“I'm sorry, but that deserves an
‘oh lord!’”
-Omar,
on stuff (I tend to say this a lot)
“I'm not big on ruses…or ploys
even…and don't even get me started on deceptions!”
-Omar,
on honesty (alright, that’s all a big lie)
Omar: “You're always talking about changing the world. Here
you go!”
Maggie: “My first mission.” <sniffle>
Omar: “Should you choose to accept it.” <sniffle>
Maggie: “Are you crying? There's no crying in changing the
world!”
Omar: “No ...it was a sniffle of horror.”
Maggie: “The whole drug culture of the 60s and 70s was about
this spiritual striving, and if you ask me, it's pretty lazy.”
Omar: “What about Native Americans! They aren't lazy.”
Maggie: “No, but they didn't know any better. They weren't taking drugs just
for that purpose.”
Omar: “VISION QUEST TIME!!!”
Omar: “John Mayer...what a piece. Ian is convinced he's a
Dave wannabe. Krazy Karl across the hall loves him though! But we don't like
Karl. I for one will just stick with the Culture Club*!”
Maggie: “Can I like both?”
Omar: “Karl and the Culture Club? I guess so.”
(*That was a joke!)
“Sorry for the soul-searching and melodrama. I could
probably adapt this
e-mail into a theatrical monologue or miniseries and put it on Lifetime
or the Oxygen Network!”
-Jeff Sandberg, he’s a good kid, but he tends to ramble
“And I want you to know that if you have any hidden people inside of you that I haven't met... say, a 40-year old, trash-talking and sassy yet lovable black woman...”
-Jeff, on getting to know people (who told him about
Shafreaka!)
“I mean, this is some whacked out shit!”
-Jeff, on whacked out shit (I assure you he is white, that’s
why it’s funny)
“Well, with most of my jokes, oddly, there is nothing to get.”
-Katie, on squeezing every last ounce of humor from a joke
“No, I’m not giving you a quote!”
-Katie, on refusing to cooperate
Katie: “Here, I'll show you a really good picture of me.”
Omar: “Alright.”
Katie: “See if you can find me in them!”
Omar: “Okay.”
(Looks at picture which has only 8 or so people in it, with only 3 girls…and only one blond girl)
Omar: “Are you the one in the yellow shirt?”
Katie: “Good job! Now wasn’t that a fun game?”
Omar: “Umm…yeah…it’s a regular Where’s Waldo.”
“The more time you spend pondering the meaning of life, the more time you spend pondering.”
-Brian, wise beyond his years
Ian: (about a black and white picture of us) "That picture is straaaaaaaaaaaaaight."*
Omar: "Yeah, it is pretty straaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaight."
Ian: "And it's black and white so it's really straaaaaaaaaaaight ...actually it's brown and white."
(Introducing Andy to the world of Gulab Jamun [previously mentioned Indian sweets])
Andy: “Interesting looking… What are they?
Ian: “Obviously they’re cow testicles*.”
(*They are not cow testicles!)
Many people throughout the years: “So what happens when you
eat pork?”
Omar: “Well it goes down alright at first. Then I feel a slight pain in my
stomach seconds before I burst into flames*.”
(*Nothing special happens when I eat pork)
Ian: “You know what? Cigarettes are pretty disgusting.”
Omar: “You’re right. Why do we smoke them?”
Ian: “I don’t know. Something to do, I guess. Get outside, get some fresh air.”
Omar: “How are you feeling?”
Ian: “There are few things that can rival a good shit.”
“What’s most terrible is not knowing why it’s terrible to make fun of cripples.”
-Ian
*New*
(After an unsuccessful trip to the gas station to buy hot
dogs, we instead returned with two sticks of beef jerky and a can of Armour
Chili)
Omar: “I can’t believe we bought chili.”
Ian: “Wait a minute…do we have a can opener*?”
(*No we do not have a can opener)
*New*
(Ian and Omar having a conversation which somehow deteriorated into telling Abraham Lincoln jokes)
Ian: “Alright, you know how sometimes Jack is a nickname for people named Jon?”
Omar: “Yeah. Did you know that they also used to use Jack as a nickname for Abraham?”
Ian: “Really?”
Omar: “No.”
Ian: “God dammit! I hate you.”
*New*
(For this quote and the previous one…well, Ian was particularly gullible this morning)
Ian: “What do you think this is? I think I just have weak gums.”
Omar: “No dude, it’s mouth herpes. You’re dad’s a dentist, you’ve never heard of it?”
Ian: “Shut up.”
Omar: “I’m completely serious, you should get that checked out.”
Ian: “Oh shit! Really?”
Omar: “No, man, I’m just fucking with you.”
Ian: “God dammit! I hate you.”