“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17).
The ability to talk openly is one of the most important
aspects of the parent/child relationship.
While it is a hallmark of smart parenting, it is not always easy. For example, most teens are defensive listeners, which means that even a conversation
that ought to be a casual, functional exchange of information can turn into a
verbal tug-of-war. Even so, one of the
most valuable assets a teen can have is a family in which people talk to each
other, express their feelings openly, and try to explain why they feel and act
as they do. Parents who have a good
relationship with their teen have learned to be sensitive to the emotional
impact of the messages they send. They
have learned that it is not only what
they say; it is how they say it. If your
conversational skills have broken down, please try the following techniques:
First, make it easy for your child to initiate conversation,
which most likely will happen when you are doing something fun together. Keep a jigsaw puzzle on the table and join
your child there. Plan dates to watch a TV show, go out to
breakfast, or rent a movie. Teens tend
to talk a little more in the car (less risk of eye contact); therefore, carpooling their friends may give you an insight into their
group personality. But just listen;
don't join in unless you want the conversation to stop dead!
Parents, if your conversational skills have temporarily
broken down, write your teen a note with love, anger, or an apology. You have a better chance of being heard if you
start your sentences with I feel…
statements. Think through your message
first so it does not ramble, then state it from your own point of view.
Ask open-ended
questions like, "What do you think about?" "How would you feel if?" "Can
you tell me more about?" Watch your
teen’s face; don't channel-surf or page through the
newspaper while he/she talks. Appear
interested even if you are not: smile and nod often.
Tactics that will get you nowhere include saying,
"Because I said so!" nagging, yelling, criticizing; and talks that
begin with an accusation.
Second, your teen needs to talk to you and you need to be there
for him/her when he/she chooses to communicate.
Ironically, the time when it seems least pleasant to listen to your teen
is when he/she needs you the most. As
you go through this new phase of your teen's life, keep your cool, respect
his/her quirks, and be sure he/she knows you are interested in him/her having
fun. After all, your teen is simply
acting his/her age.
Third, conversation is an art, not an innate skill. Conversation is a skill that can be learned. Conversation takes two people. It is a dialogue involving stopping, looking, listening, and hearing. It is a collaborative effort between two people. Intellectually, that is great to know… now put it to work.
Does your teen feel like you are holding an inquisition or
putting him/her through the torture chamber?
Do you feel like your attempts to talk with your teen are nothing more
than a monologue? If these scenarios
sound all too familiar, take heart!
Think of a memorable conversation in which you have been
involved. What do you most
remember? You probably remember that you
were involved in a dialogue, not a monologue.
A dialogue involves two people who come together at a mutually agreeable
time and place to share and exchange information in order to learn more about
each other. When your teen gets in the car with you
after eight hours of school, athletic practice, and serving a detention, say
"Hello" and leave it at that.
Give your teen some time to wind down and relax. Both you and your teen need some
decompression time: a period of silently sharing the same time and space
together, with no pressure.
A dialogue involves listening as well as talking. In order to get your teen to talk with you
about anything, you must become a good listener. Good listening is active listening, requiring
concentration between speaker and listener.
Stop what you are doing! Turn off
the radio, television, or any other outside distractions. Look your teen in the eye! Concentrate on
what is being said, not on your reply.
Use appropriate body language, such as nodding and leaning towards your teen,
to demonstrate that you are hearing what is being said as well as
listening. Never interrupt! Allow your teen to finish what they are
saying. If you are not willing to take
the time to listen to their reply, do not even ask the question.
Ask open-ended questions.
By asking open-ended questions you demonstrate interest in sharing your teen's
thoughts and feelings on a specific topic or area of conversation. The use of open-ended questions requires
additional thought on the part of the person asking questions. Questions that can be answered with a simple
"yes," "no," “good,” “ok,” or any other “one-word” answer must
be converted. Ask your teen how he/she
feels about a certain subject.
Avoid all questions that start with "why." "Why" questions require a
justification for your teen’s behavior.
They are a sure-fire way to put your teen on the defensive,
extinguishing their willingness to share.
Rephrase your questions to get to the underlying issues. Instead of asking, "Why did you hit your
sister/brother?" ask, "What happened?"
Assume the most meaningful conversations with your teen occur when least expected and at the most unpredictable time. If your teen approaches you to talk, stop what you are doing and engage in genuine conversation with your child. Talk about topics that are interesting to them. Encourage your teen to trust you and to understand that no matter what questions, ideas, feelings, or confusion they want to express, you will find the time to listen without ridicule, lecture, or punishment. If all else fails, volunteer to drive your teen and his/her friends so they can do something fun (do not complain about how out-of -the-way or far they live). It is amazing what you can learn by listening to the conversation between your own teen and a carload of his/her peers.
MAKE SHORT CHATS A HABIT
Fourth, an emotional distance will develop between you and your teen if you do not communicate regularly. While there are numerous reasons why
communication can break down, some busy parents and busy teens simply get out
of the habit of talking. Undoubtedly, it
will take time before your teen is willing to open up again. Just five minutes at the end of the day chatting
about how things have gone during the day and what's on the agenda for tomorrow
can help close the gap. Even if your teen seems determined to shut you out and to be
monosyllabic, keep talking and keep listening.
Your teen needs to know you will make time to hear their
concerns. The problem with the teen
years is that you really never know when your teen might need or want to talk.
Teens do not always choose the most convenient time to talk, so you need to
take advantage of conversation when the opportunity arises.
Fifth, teens like to talk about issues that might affect
them or their friends. If you simply
ask, "How was school?" chances are your teen will say,
"Fine" or "Okay." Period! End of conversation. School is probably the most boring thing in a
teenager's life. You are more likely to
get a picture of what their school day is like by asking about the people
involved in it… their friends and teachers.
Sixth, teens do not want their parents to furnish instant
solutions to life's problems. Teenagers'
thinking and reasoning abilities are increasing. They have obtained some degree of abstract
thinking, which means teens can analyze a problem, think about it, and back up
their opinions with sound reasoning.
When your teen has a problem and you respond in a know-it-all manner, you deprive your
teen of the experience that comes from wrestling a problem through to a
solution. It may be appropriate to say
nothing. Sometimes a sympathetic silence
is all that is needed. Give your teen
the ability to learn through trial and
error, failure and success.
If it is clear your teen is wrestling with a dilemma, one
way to help (rather than moving in with the answer) is to restate the problem
as a question. For example, if your
daughter is not sure she wants to go to a friend's birthday party because some
girls who like to tease her will be there, you can say, "So the question
seems to be, how do you find a way to be at the party
and deal with these girls if they decide to tease you?" Then, listen to what she has to say. Again, a sympathetic silence as she works
through options for the party may be best.
Seventh, when you are traveling to and from school or sporting
events, use car time for conversation.
Avoid these topics: homework, chores, discipline, and expectations. Great conversations are not built around
talking about any of them. Save these
discussions for another time. Steer the
conversation around the day's events and what your teen's feelings about them
are.
Ask real questions. A question like "You went to the
mall after I told you not to, didn't you?" or "You lent ten dollars
to Peter?" backs a teen into a corner.
Such questions are not designed to enhance understanding. It is clear you disapprove of whatever the
activity was the teen engaged in, so the question leaves your teen only two choices:
(1) disagree and argue or (2) agree and take whatever punishment is dished out.
Eighth, neutral questions that have no right or wrong
answers invite discussion, not confrontation.
For example, "What do you think of...?" opens the avenue for
you and your teen to enjoy a serious discussion. "How long have you felt that way?"
or "Tell me more about..." can encourage your teen to share his or
her thoughts and feelings. In fact, if
your teen is upset, the last thing she or he may want to hear is advice. Acknowledge the pain and give him/her a
chance to talk out their problem. This helps
a teen feel more able to cope.
Ninth, respond to a teen's answer to one of your questions
with "Mm-hmm." Researchers who
study question and answer techniques found that, on average, responses to
questions doubled when you spice up the exchange with a simple
"Mm-hmm." Other short phrases
like, "I see," "Go on" or "Say more" also
encourage a teen to keep talking.
Tenth, communication does not mean interrogation. Grilling your teen is not true
communication. If you suspect your teen
may be having problems, you should strive for communication that does not put your
teen on the spot. It is better to
initiate a conversation that invites your teen to talk about friends and
activities rather than ask direct questions that focus on what you perceive to
be a problem. This approach will work,
in most cases, to help your teen feel comfortable talking to you. If you are convinced a problem exists and
your teen does not begin to open up on the subject, more direct questioning may
be necessary, but that is not the place to start.
Think of communication with your teen as an exploration with
no preconceived end. Open-ended, two-way
conversations will open up communication where it has been nonexistent, or help
maintain healthy lines of communication already established. A teen is quick to sense that a parent is
trying to find something out or is leading the conversation. It is better to invite your teen to talk
during a non-threatening activity, such as raking the lawn together, without
setting an agenda. Think of this style
of communication as similar to the approach one would take with a friend during
a casual lunch. Be open to the
conversation route your teen wants to take.
Ask open-ended questions and try to know your teen as the individual he/she
is.
Be willing to divulge some of yourself. Be mindful that communication is a two-way street. It is not communication if you or your teen does all the talking. It is not communication for the parent to lecture the teen, nor is it communication for the parent to expect the teen to open up without the parent's willingness to do the same. Some people worry that it diminishes a parent's authority to talk about his or her own doubts, fears, or confusions. My answer is that we are talking about communication, not authority. Certainly a parent will not share with a teen all the burdens of adulthood. However, it is quite possible for parents to share themselves with their teenagers without jeopardizing their authority. You must open up to your teen if you want your teen to open up to you.