by Lisa Hyde-Inverse
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
At this point, it seems almost like a game.
I'll spot the mazoku, find some very quiet way to alert Lina, and she'll blast them to the seventh icy hell. We're getting better at it--this time I only have to cast her a knowing glance before she winks at me and strikes a cocky pose.
"Okay, that's enough of that! Come out, come out, wherever you are!"
Twenty or so lesser mazoku come lumbering out of the bushes. She casts me a triumphant glance: am I good, or what?
I'd love you to love me
I'm beggin' you to beg me
She really seems to enjoy this; I suppose she must consider it stress relief. It's not exactly my cup of tea, but then again, there is a certain satisfaction in battle. (It doesn't take me long to realise that she would probably dismiss this as a "guy thing", and she'd probably be right.)
I spot one of the mazoku trying to sneak up on her. Almost without thinking, I turn and unleash a Flare Arrow on it; as it dissolves, she turns to look at me. I force the best devil-may-care smile I can manage; she grins back at me. She has a nicer smile than she realises.
It's distracting.
I'll shine up my old brown shoes, put on a brand new shirt
Come home early from work, if you'll say that you love me.
Afternoon becomes evening; the others make camp, but I have more important business. We found some manuscripts earlier--white magic; a good sign. Maybe I'll be lucky this time. I can only hope.
I look up briefly; Lina's glancing over at me. Not at the pages; directly at me. She's never really said anything about the cure, one way or the other... but then, she's always been very different from the others. She looks at me as if... as if...
As if I'm still human, I realise with a start.
I take a gulp of tea and burn my tongue.
Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you crying?
Oh, didn't I, didn't I see you crying?
Feeling all alone without a friend you know you feel like dying.
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you crying?
Hours pass. I read by sunlight and starlight and dim firelight, my mind racing across the faded pages until I finally reach the end, somewhere after dawn.
And I find absolutely nothing.
I close my eyes; suddenly I feel very heavy and tired. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up... I should have known this would be no different from the others.
I shouldn't have let her damn optimism rub off on me.
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'm not sure how much time passes before I hear footsteps--hers: only she has that particular light swing in her step.
"Nothing?"
Her voice is... it's gentle. That's a change. Suddenly this failure cuts a little deeper.
"Nothing," I answer. "Here, if you want them, they're yours."
I hand her the pages; her fingers brush the pages and slip to my wrist, a slight warm touch that sends a little current of electricity down my spine. I glance up; there's genuine sympathy on her face.
"I'm sorry, Zel. But... maybe the next one, right?"
I'd love you to love me
I close my eyes. There's that optimism again... after all those failures, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep up this search.
But I do know damn well I would have quit long ago if she hadn't provided a "next time".
I'm beggin' you to beg me
"Maybe."
I can practically hear her smiling. I open my eyes again and notice the yellow top, the bright red pants. Her hair looks more carefully arranged, too... she looks more feminine this morning.
Anything looks feminine to you after you've been cozying up to magic research all night, part of my brain protests.
"New look for you, huh?" I ask, trying to quiet the nagging voice.
I'll shine up my old brown shoes, put on a brand new shirt,
"Well, different." She enmeshes a hand in her hair, arches her back. Suddenly she looks very feminine indeed. "You like?"
Come home early from work, if you say that you love me.
You have no idea how much-- No, I refuse to lose my cool right now. I keep my face blank and cast about for something to say, something that isn't too obvious or too understated.
Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you crying?
"It's--very becoming," I say, earnestly.
"Thanks!" She strikes a pose, tosses back her hair with a wink. "That's me, the wonderful, beautiful Lina Inverse!"
Oh, didn't I, didn't I see you crying?
My face grows hot.
Feeling all alone without a friend you know you feel like dying.
"Um, yeah... beautiful." Inwardly, I cringe. Can she tell how much I really mean it this time?
She smiles at me, a huge brilliant grin, and I can't help but smile back. She seems to take this as a signal to come and sit beside me; I wonder if she knows that I welcome the closeness. I'm not quite ready for real contact yet, but it's good to have her near me.
She pokes at the fire a little; her hair spills over one shoulder, flame to match the flame she stirs up. I should stop thinking like this, but I can't. All I can do is enjoy the sight, the sheer closeness of her.
Eventually she gets up, walks away from the fire. From me. I watch her pick up a bucket and cheerily waltz off in the direction of the creek we found yesterday.
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you crying?
I don't know what she's planning, or even if I'm just imagining that extra sparkle about her demeanour lately. It might be excess optimism, but then again, I've never noticed her acting quite like this.
Maybe when she comes back I'll test the waters myself... that might be interesting, I think with a smile. A challenge. Something--and L-sama knows I need it--something to look forward to besides this damned elusive cure.
Just wait, Lina. Just you wait.
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