"Gourry, what happened between you and Aoife out there?"
Clearing his throat, he shrugged. "I guess I jsut tried to let her see how important this is. I mean, Zel wants to be normal again. And.... he's our friend, you know? I guess I just thought that if I said something I'd screw it up, so I just tried to LOOK it. I think she got it, or she wouldn't have told us where to find her, right, Lina?"
Lina smiled at her partner. Sometimes, he really surprised her. "You're right Gourry. That was good."
"Phew!" Gourry laughed nervously. "I didn't want to screw it up. I mean, it means as much to you as it does to Zel. Can I go now?"
Lina's mouth dropped open. "Uh, yeah, sure, Gourry. Go ahead."
"OK," and Gourry left.
Silence settled over the room. Lina stared at Zel now, and he still stared out the window. Finally, Lina threw a slipper at him.
"Ow." He winced instinctively. He turned to Lina. "What was that for?"
Lina was livid. "You want to tell me what that little showdown today was all about?!?"
Zelgadis shrugged now. "Aoife apparently thinks she's better than me for some reason. I don't know why. But now she's being spiteful."
"That's not it, and you know it! She said all that stuff and you clammed up like....like a clam! This is the first time you've said anything since then. Now, you talk to me, or I'm gonna blast you so bad you'll never forget it!" Zel winced. "WELL??"
Zelgadis said nothing.
"Arrrrggghhh!" Lina screamed and leapt onto him, pounding as hard as she could. "Talk to me, you blue-skinned stubborn idiot, before I lose my patience!"
Zelgadis struggled away from her, holding her at arms length. Lina stopped squirming and stared up at his cold expression. She tried to read him like Aoife had read Gourry, but all she seemed to see was cold disdain and unfeeling. Lina gaped to see it. "She's right," she said, in a low defeated voice. "You really DON'T care. You hate us.... you just play along when it suits you. You are a monster inside because you... you..." Zelgadis let go and Lina backed away. He just watched her, expressionless. Lina felt like bugs were crawling all over her. She shivered, and suddenly had an urge to cry. Me, cry? Why? Because I really thought this person was my friend.
"Zelgadis," she continued. "I thought... I thought you were my friend. I cared. When I met Aoife, all I wanted to know was if she knew a cure, and all I could think of was finding you to tell you. To help you. But.... you're not the person I thought you were...." She closed her eyes. "I think you should leave now. I..... I don't like you anymore, Zel."
She opened her eyes to see Zelgadis staring at her. She cringed away from the look. But, like a board suddenly breaking under stress, his face fell. With a groan, he sat on the floor and buried his face in his hands. "Shit, Lina..." he said, his voice muffled and ragged.
Lina watched. He seemed broken, lost, like he had to bear something so heavy it was killing him. For once, that cool, calm exterior was gone, and Lina felt like she'd kicked a puppy or something. Biting her lip, she moved to him, and carefully laid a hand on his shoulder. What had happened to him? Kneeling next to him, she softly said, "I'm sorry, Zel. I didn't mean it. Please, what's going on? Tell me, let me help. Please?"
It took another minute before he spoke. When he finally lifted his head, his face flushed, as if embarassed, he said, "It's the beserker."
"What?"
"The beserker. There are things in me, things that Rezo did to me, that I don't even understand. But one thing is the berserker rage. Remember, when he used me against you in his tower?" Lina nodded. "That's it. It makes it so that any emotion I have feeds the rage. If the emotions are negative, I start to loose it. If the emotions are positive, it twists them. So I try not to feel anything. Anything at all." He stopped.
Lina waited, then asked, "And today?"
Zel groaned again. "I was with Amelia when your message came. We....talked. It was incredibly difficult. And then, I was hoping, which always becomes bitterness, and I was glad to see you, which.....er, and I was envious of Aoife and her life here, and that just made me angry. When she started yelling at me, I got so mad, I had to jsut shut down. It gets worse all the time." He breathed deeply again, trying to control himself. "Lina, I don't know how much longer I can hold out.
"How long has this been going on?"
"It always has. Ever since we got back from the New World, I've been looking for a cure. And the more I look, the worse it gets. It's like I was meant to go mad eventually, meant to become some mindless killing thing. I wonder if Rezo....." He suddenly shifted and grabbed both of Lina's hands, something that shocked her. "Lina, will you make me a promise, please?" His expression was almost desperate.
"What?" Lina asked, a bit startled, and a bit frightened.
"Gourry's lost the Sword of Light, which I knew could kill me. But you, you can cast the Ragna Blade. If I lose it completely, and go mad, promise you'll cast the Ragna Blade and kill me."
Lina yanked her hands from his and leapt up. "NO! I won't do that. I can't! I can't kill my best friend. We've been through too much, I won't promise that!"
"Lina, if I go mad, I'll be a crazed destroyer. I'd probably try to kill you, and it won't be easy for you to stop me any other way."
"WHY?" Lina cried. "Why me? Why must it be me?"
"Because you're the only one I know who can do it. And you're my friend. And because I DO care about you, and if I even hurt you, I'd torment myself for....." His voice choked off, and he hung his head. Lina remembered what Gourry had said before he left -- it means as much to you as it does to Zel. Maybe that big oaf wasn't that stupid after all.
"Zelgadis?" Her single word was loaded with implications.
"Don't," he said flatly. "Don't ask. I won't be able to control anything if I talk about it. Some things I have to avoid. The strongest emotions, good or bad, are the worst. You don't want to know, and I can't explain."
"This is what Aoife saw. She saw the madness and the walls you've built around yourself, and she didn't like it. She didn't understand it, because she's not completely the same as you -- she's not a berserker." Lina saw Zelgadis nod. "You didn't even know yourself you'd killed those bandits until after, and the shock, plus her yelling...."
"I almost snapped today. Thank Ceipheed for Rodimus and his meditation techniques," Zelgadis admitted. "If not for that, I certainly wouldn't have lasted this long."
Lina thought for a moment. Then she snapped her fingers. "Aoife. We've got to go see her right away. MAybe she can cure you. If she can, you'll be alright."
In a tired voice, Zel asked, "And if she can't?"
"Well, maybe she can do SOMETHING! She's our best hope for now!" She strode past Zelgadis, still sitting on the floor, to check out the window. It was still fairly early in the evening. "Let's get Gourry and find that Keenan kid, and GO!" Lina declared, her determination firm. She gave Zelgadis a challenging look.
He responded with a small smile.
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