First of all I am sorry for what I am doing, by that I mean disturbing you with my life and this mail. Why am I writing this, because I really don't know myself except I am desperate and do not where to go to try and plead with anybody or any organiztion for help. Yes this is very embarrassing, very undignified on my part....but right now, my life has no dignity or even honor. I feel ashamed knowing that many in this country and even the world are still worse off then I am, and it does bother me with what little dignity I might have to even do this. I have screwed up my life to a point where I have never felt so low as a human being ever. I am inserting an article with this mail to try and describe the last fall of my life and what happened. I even tried to get that article published because I wanted to help others, and not let them fall how I have in life. What happened to me finally really scared me, and made me feel so ashamed. I am not proud of who I am anymore, but with the help of God, I can redeem myself and be somebody who is worthy of life again. I have hit the bottom of my life, and it scares me about what tomorrow might bring. I never have been closer to thinking i am on the way of being homeless than now. I want so much to improve my life and finally be worthy, where I can hold my head up atleast and have some dignity. I am asking for help, but know I am being selfish in what I am doing. I have tried elsewhere as with government grants..foundations, but seems that I can't find a door that is open. I ruined my life by my stupidity, my lack of love for life..and lived by greed. I see now the fear that bestowes so many out there, where I fear fear itself. I know what I did in my life, especially at the end where all hell broke lose, and all I am wondering is if you might be able to help me get back on my feet to renew my life, help others, and be worthy again. I have lost almost everything.yes I am afraid of losing material things, but what hurts more is in my way that I was living..I lost friendships and loved ones. Material things can be replaced, but humanity can't, and that I have lost. I am not proud of who I am, I have not much dignity left if any, and honor is only a word anymore that has no meaning in describing who I am. I just need help, and need a chance once again to be somebody. I have never lived a life of crime, a life of fraud, or a life of deceit......I only got caught in a life of greed and pleasure, and lost sight of who I was, and all around me.
I am in bankruptcy now, the IRS is at my door basically, my friends are gone, and within my family as my mom, all that she has been thru with the death of her husband of 56 years, having been in for cancer treatments late last year, and being hit by Hurricane Ivan........it would kill her to know who I am now. Having to borrow money from cousins to attend my dad's funeral show me that I am not much of anything. I do realize this is inappropriate in how I am doing this, and do deeply apologize for what I am doing. I am desparate, still trying to redeem myself for my faults............and will say that I will not bother you again, and hope that you take this letter to heart in either way and whatever becomes of my letter...........I ask for forgiveness in acting so desparate in that I have bothered you. I really do feel ashamed for doing this, I feel like a leech grabbing on to someone who does have more than I, and I feel embarrassed for even asking you. I am sure many have ask favors before.
I know many in this country and world wide are worse off than I, and yes that makes me feel guilty. I know many have never have had close to the life I had, even mine being average, many have never seen an average life. I know that I am ashamed for asking for help but i also need to try and improve my life as well. I have been fortunate in my life, not ever have to go hungry, but now I have seen how I have destroyed my life deeply. I want so much another chance to redeem myself and better my life and others, and to do that I have to try what I can, and do what I can. I am embarrassed at what I am doing, but do know this, if I ever can acheive at getting my life back in order, I not only will improve my life, but will help others as I have been helped. After seeing a life of turmoil now, I have learned alot, and grew alot. I will never forgive myself for my past actions, but i do know I will better my past actions and better not just me but others around me who are even less fortunate than I am now...and right now I am hanging on life dearly, but its slipping away. In my article I am also sending to you, I tell you about my dad and what happened, he died not knowing his son was a bum, I kept that from him and my mom. However how things are going now, I can't think about the day my mom might find out, and it would kill her knowing what is going on with me...that I can't cope with. Before she dies, I like, I pray that one day she will be able to read my book that she helped me with, but due to my actions in my life, I couldn't afford to finish my book. That is my dream, my goal to be able to survive and come out of my financial ruins and have the money to start living, and also finish my book...so she can live her last days smiling. I am sorry for asking you if you can help me or show me a direction to take...I have been trying everything, and the doors are always shut..but I am not giving up, that is why I am doing this.
As said before, I am writing this for my sake, and apologize for intruding in your life. I am just wondering since you have more contacts than I if you know any place I could find help by any means. I am not lieing about any of this, all truth and I am in a desperate situation. If help me or not...I will say, whatever does come out of this, and once again, I will not bother you again.......................God bless you, and thank you for atleast reading what I had to say.
If anyone who can help me I would appreciate it very much and I know for a fact, I will change my life for the better, and not just help myself, but to help others. I have met the end of my rope, and I am slipping, and this is all my fault...but to learn about who you are, you must at times see yourself in a life of despair and lonleyness......and I see that that life now, and ashamed at who I see and am. If anyone reads this and can help me...please write [email protected]. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you for listening..whoever is out there to hear my story...
MY LAST BET, MY CAT ENDED UP SACRIFICING HER LIFE
I sit here at my computer desk, waiting for Sparky (my cat) to come strolling in, jump upon the computer desk and walk in front of my monitor. I await for her soft meow, for she had one of the quietest meows you ever heard, as she turns and looks at me. I await for her to hop down upon my keyboard and straddle my chest, looking at me and voicing that soft meow as she turns and nestles upon my lap. I await for all that, I await for those soft meows, but they will never come again...for Sparky is no more, and because of her, I lost more in gambling than just money.....I lost her, and it hurts.
First of all, I need to go back about 12 years and explain my fortunes of being the grand owner of Sparky. 12 winters ago, a couple I knew contacted me about a stray cat that they saw outside their living room window, and knowing I was single, and no pets and also an animal lover, I was contacted. To explain more about my love of animals, I was raised into an animal lover family, not just my immediate family, but within my mom's side of her family, I do believe her family must had some genes from Barnam and Baily. Animals with this family at times were more prolonged to have a happy life than the kids. My mom and her sister, my Aunt Vivian were more involved with their beloved pets, that to find pictures of us kids in a photo album, you had to search by hiring a detective to find you. However, the dogs and cats were always there, every page you saw one of the beloved pets, and if you saw a picture of one of the kids, you could sure bet the pet was also in the picture. My family and cousins were brought up in a pet world, a day didn't go buy you didn't hear a dog bark or a cat meow. I remember days myself where one of my mom and dads pets named Chico (named after the series Chico and the Man), would be paraded down to the local Dairy Queen for an ice cream cone, while me and my brother would have to make a home made cone. My dad once when raining carried an umbrella for Chico so he could go potty outside during the rain, at times I was surprised us kids weren't told to go outside and have Chico use the bathroom upstairs. Yes we were all animal lovers, and that leads me back to the cat that my friends asked me if i wanted...how could I say no, knowing this poor cat was freezing, and not wanting to see her freeze to death..I said of course I would take her. I took her in, and yes she was a she, I found that out in a very oddly fashion. I took her in 12 winters ago, and with summer coming up, I loved my fishing, so one weekend she had the whole house to herself while I laid back and caught some rays and my fish. That Sunday, closing the weekend, arriving back home, there she was, my Lucky (I called her Lucky because she was lucky I kept her), just looking at me and meowing up a storm. I looked at her thinking, wow, you really missed me Lucky as I unpacked and was ready to just sit and watch some TV. Unpacking, Lucky just followed me everywhere, she just wouldn't stop meowing, so finally finished, sitting in my favorite chair, up jumps Lucky upon my lap. Seemed she just adored me so much, I just had to pet her and show her my admiration for her missing me so much. I just sat there and just watched what was on TV as Lucky just nestled upon my lap, just petting her as she just seemed to enjoy it so much, and I guess she did enjoy it to my amazement. As I was watching TV, I all of a sudden felt my pants just get soaked, not knowing what was happening, thinking Lucky might be sick, I just happened to notice and see she was giving birth, not just anywhere but in my lap. Not really wanting this sort of mess on my lap, I gently put Lucky on the chair as I went and got a box filled with towels, placed her in the box as I just was amazed at watching the birth of the unborn, and what a sight it was. One, two, three, four and finally five...five of the cutest little kittens you ever did see. What a sight to see nature, and what a thrill to know that my Lucky trusted me so much to want to give birth with me around. To tell the truth, i felt kinda proud..kinda like a Doctor Dolittle. When all was done and Lucky was quite pleased herself with her off spring, the time said time for bed as I slowly got up from the chair to head for bed, and with every step going to bed, here was Lucky behind me meowing loudly as if I did something wrong. My God, she wouldn't shut up..I just sat on the bed looking at her, as she looked back at me, seemed as cussing me out with her meows. As I just sat there wondering what to do, I thought..I bet she wants me to bring the box of kittens in the bedroom. To my amazement, that was what she wanted as I brought the box in, sat it on the floor next to bed, she hopped back in box, she quit yacking, and we all went to sleep.
That was the beginning of my zoo, watching Lucky and her 5 offsprings was something to just watch. I watched those kittens grow and just marveled at the sprite ness they all had. At times I felt like a father, taking them to the vet, making sure they were all healthy, and one thing I sure did was had Lucky fixed, not wanting anymore surprises. Some think I am dumb, for I could swear before, I never knew Lucky was pregnant, just fat, but not pregnant...I guess when a bachelor, things just don't come to you right away. However i was quite glad she was pregnant and gave me 5 little ones, but do to not having a big enough house at the time, I knew I had to find homes for some of them, and that was hard to do because I really wanted to keep them all. Oh I was picky when gave 3 of them away, I decided finally to keep 2 along with lucky, but I made sure the other 3 would be well taken care of. If you think adopting a human child is quite a routine, you ain't seen my adoption routine. When coming form a family of animal lovers, you are one step from having a federal background check..and if you have a misdemeanor as a speeding ticket even, forget it. So now it was Lucky and 2 kittens, and these two kittens as i watched them grow, I gave names to them as what I saw in their growing up. One was male, the other female, and to keep with a little poetic justice..they had to rhyme with their mother Lucky. Pondering as I remember how they acted in growing up, the male kitten I always saw that spunk, always seeming proud and being a go getter, so of course we named him Spunky. The female always seemed so lively, so energetic like a spark plug, and yes you guessed it, Sparky was her name givin to her. So now I had that little trio...Lucky, Spunky and Sparky, all just starting on a new adventure as they grew older. Since Lucky was an outside cat before, she and the kittens were all going to be indoor cats, and ask me why I was so dumb to not have them declawed, you got me there. My only excuse which I tell everybody is in case they ever got lose outside and wandered away, atleast they could protect themselves. The only problem in seeing them grow up, the only scars from those claws are protecting themselves from my furniture. A note to me in case any future cats...have them declawed if indoor cats. Lucky, Spunky and Sparky were all different. Lucky was so mellow, so smart, even came when called her by name...she was a cat who could tolerate being held and pampered, and she knew she was the first and was king of the house, as she was number one since she was the first to step inside my house. Spunky on the other hand was kinda like a lion, he had the long hair, he had alot of pride, and if you pick him up, beware of claws. You could pick the lion up, and he fought back, a little raising of the voice would make the lion into a lamb. Spunky was the sort of cat that would come to you when he desired, sit on your lap when he desired and go when he desired. Now Sparky was the mild one, even though she didn't like being help as like Spunky, Sparky was like the mellow one of the crowd who just wanted to be liked, to be petted and to be numero uno, which at times Lucky didn't like. All three were very loving, and when a few dogs entered the picture, Lucky and Spunky showed dogs who ruled the nest, while Sparky so much wanted to be liked by the dogs. I called Sparky the peacemaker, while the other two cats tolerated the dogs but showed who the boss was, Sparky always tried to reassure the dogs that not all cats are like that. However every time Sparky would rub up against the dogs, they would feel uneasy, knowing that the other two cats are not that friendly, so Sparky would be left sad it always seemed as the dogs would just ignore her. Sparky would always come to me, no matter where i was..and that little meow was so different from normal cats, it was like she was whispering all the time, as with her mellowness, her meow showed it. Sparky had alot of Lucky in her, but as with Lucky, there was that I can be tough...with Sparky, I never saw that wildness or act of aggression. Why I always called her the peace maker, always trying to get the cats and dogs together, to just be one happy family instead of tolerating each other. My one dog, Shannon was a mix between a Shepard, Rott and lab, 70 pounds and with those breeds in her you would think she be one tough mean dog. She was the most gentle dog you ever want to meet. I so many times wondered if a burglar ever snuck in, what would Shannon..and what I know is this, she would want to play, thats how gentle she was. However Sparky could reach Shannon unlike the other cats, she always brushed up against Shannon and for some reason Shannon knew this cat was different from the others. The other cats would put even Shannon in her place if they decided too, but Sparky just made Shannon feel like a king. My other dog, Jake was what my dad when first met him called him retarded. I guess that was because Jake was afraid of his own shadow, had to follow me everywhere and when was always looking at me would run into chairs, walls, anything that was in his way. Lucky and Spunky always picked on Jake, but there was Sparky, even letting Jake know, I am your friend..lets play. I so many times remember when sleeping, I wake up in the middle of the night, and open my eyes, staring me back would be Sparky, and when she saw me open my eyes, there was that soft meow as if saying hi. She wanted to be just my cat so many times, I think Lucky and Spunky knew that, and Lucky at times would get jealous of Sparky. If Lucky ever came to me, here would come Sparky, moving in on me. Sparky would get between lucky and me, and there would be that hissing from Lucky as telling Sparky, you are getting on my nerves. Sparky was a lovely cat, watching her grow, watching her just be herself and try to get along with all the other animals. The way she pranced around to get somewhere, never would she just walk, always had to look like a deer and just hop along...a cat that was to good to be true.
Now you might be wondering why all this about my pets and especially my cat Sparky. Well this cat showed me something about myself that I sort of knew, but the ending of her life made me see a path I was on that some day could end my life I didn't stop taking that path of destruction. You now know some of my background with my love of animals, and my admiration of my cat Sparky. Sparky's life ended in a way where mine was able to start anew. Because of her death, I was able to see..able to see the destruction of me. You might ask how a cat can make a person see themselves, make a person think and evaluate their life. To show you that, I have to go back a few years, and tell you about a life that saw the evil of credit cards and gambling, but succumbed to both, and walked a path of lies, deceit and potential devastation in living.
about 12 years ago, I with my relatives decided to take yearly vacations again like we did when our parents would take us on those summer vacations during summer break from school. What a time we had when kids, no worries, no problems..just plain ole fun. So years after we did that as kids, as we all became adults and at the point of climbing the hill in age, we all decided to do all that again. That is when it all started for me..that world, that empire, that glory or becoming rich, if luck would have it. The world of gambling was opening it's door for me, and I just rushed on in without looking back. I guess you might say I wasn't a true gambler, for some, a true gambler sits down with his poker face and beady eyes as he tries to out bluff his opponents play Jacks are better, or just five card stud. For me my love was that bandit, the one are bandit, the machine that just made that heavenly noise when the coins did fall in that trey. Oh what a noise to hear, as if the angels from heaven were playing their harps for you. Just watching those coins fall and hearing them fall was more pleasing than imagining being with Pamela Anderson for a night. I learned over the years, that one armed bandit was the true meaning of a sexual experience and pleasure...the whispering of coins falling were more erotic than being told your wildest dream will come true. My wildest dream was winning the progressive slots when the take was for 20 thousand, 30 thousand, 60 thousand, 100 thousand, or more. Others can have their sexual erotic pleasures..my erotica was staring down that bandit and knowing that the next pull was going to be my erotica pleasure with that trey just filling up with not 5 cents coins, or quarters, or 50 cents..but dollars coins, or even 5 dollar coins. The thrill of sitting down and hearing that noise from inside a casino boat was noise so heavenly..you thought you died and went to heaven. I remember starting my career in playing the slots was with the 5 cent slots, at first it was fun, it was the beginning of something beautiful, something that I could see a long bright future with. To me the slots were like a romance with the women of your dreams. You just imagined to yourself, this romance will lead to much happiness, and a life of serenity. The 5 cent slots was my first date with the casino boats, and I could feel this was a true romance that would never end. I remember times where winning 50 dollars, sometime 75 or 100 dollars was a great feeling, a sexual feeling hearing those coins drop. However after awhile, I began to think to myself, if i could win a 100 dollars playing the 5 cent slots...how much could i win playing the 25 cents slots...and to my total amazement, I could win alot more, which I did. Many times I played those 25 cent slots and came away with five hundred dollars, even a thousand dollars, and that made me feel damn good...I was in love with this one arm bandit, and this romance I never wanted to end. That went on for a few years playing the 25 cent slots, but after a while, the 25 cents bandits got old, and I was ready to move on to another romance. The 50 cent slot looked nice, but just weren't my type,..I didn't want to waste romancing 50 cents...I was ready to marry, and there she was...the one dollar slots, and what a beauty. Seeing those big ole coins fall was a sight to behold, and hearing that noise of them falling was a sound of angels singing into my ears. I finally met my true love, and nothing was so romantic then sitting in front of her and seeing her looking back at me with her eyes 3 eyes and her one arm, and smiling with with the gleam of three red sevens. Now I saw what true winnings were. Now I am looking at thousands of dollars, 5 thousand, 10 thousand, even 17 thousand. I was in heaven.
During my beginning in the world of gambling, I was also a true believer in credit cards, which years earlier, I told myself..never get involved with that plastic money. I saw so many people and couples get into so much trouble in credit card debt, I always told myself to stay away and if can purchase something without cash or a check, then you don't need it. How wrong I was, I learned that purchasing a credit card was so easy...hell, I eventually purchased 5, the hell with just 1 or 2. This was the beginning of my downfall, and gambling sealed my coffin. Oh I did use my credit cards and at the same time playing the slots was just a wonderful thing to do. Spending money by credit and winning at slots, just made me able to make my payments every month and be able to enjoy was fun times at the boats. When single, spending money doesn't really come much into play when you are the only one spending money on, so those toys as boats, snowmobiles, chainsaws for splitting wood really don't add up being single. Not really worrying much about my finances, and knowing that I had a few loans out on my truck and boat, nothing really bothered me. The only thing that bothered me a little was the loan on my truck was from my 401 K from my retirement fund from work. That did bother me a little, because that you should never touch, but when took that loan out, I needed the money, and why that didn't hit me square in the eyes was because winning a few thousand here and there at the boats was helping me pay my monthly bills..so all was cool. All the years, I never did realize that I was burying myself in debt, but as I said, winning at the boats was keeping me a float financially, and as long as I was paying my monthly bills on time, I was happy and never did really worry about anything. The one thing I didn't realize, when I won at the slot machines, I was only paying the minimum balance on my loans and credit cards, so really I was losing ground since at the same time I was buying my toys. That was one bad thing about my affair with gambling, playing the slots was t easy for me, and what was really bad was I was winning to easily. Seemed my luck was to good, and with that luck of winning a few thousand here and there at the slots, I used those credit cards more and more. More I played the slots, the more I wanted more, the more I couldn't say no and just walk away. One thing about being addicted to gambling..you win, you want more, and when lose, you want back what you lost, and when all is even, you want to double it. So walking away from the slots for me was becoming harder and harder....the river boats were becoming my home away from home. I was becoming so addicted now with gambling, using my credit cards to buy things was becoming less and less, now I wanted all my money for one reason, that reason being to only gamble on the one dollars slot machines. During this whole time, I never saw, I was so blind, but my credit cards and loans were eating me alive, and times at the boats were becoming more and more. I wanted that money now real bad, and the slots were one way to get it. To make money you spend money, and now those credit cards that weren't maxed out, were now in play to be used as cash advances for the river boats. That is one rule for pleasure gamblers, don't ever take your credit cards, check book with you when going to a river boat to gamble...that is rule number one. However that rule just pertains to gamblers who have common sense and know how to control what they are doing. For myself, I entered the world of no common sense, for I was addicted to the slots deeply and I didn't care. I saw those thousand dollar pay outs, my wallet stashed full of those green backs and damn it felt so wonderful. Many might say, winning doesn't always happen, but to me it was and that is why I never walked away from the boats. To a gambler, you always are betting that next gamble you make is the one you need, and to a gambler, you never walk away until you have nothing left. Many times I lost hundreds and hundreds of dollars in a night, even thousands, but never walked away because I knew the rule, to want money, you have to gamble, and no matter how much you have in your wallet, you always have to think positive and take chances. I took those chances and they paid off many times. I be down to just a few hundred in my wallet, I take my chances and just like that, I win those thousand dollar pots, and more time to now build it up. There were so many times it just seemed I was so lucky anymore, but didn't realize how unlucky I was becoming, since winning these thousand dollar pots just prolonged my increasing world of debt I was burying myself in. The debts I owed thru credit cards with my toys as a boat, snowmobile, other toys that every man wants were building and building since the loans I had out were not getting in the way since winning at the slots just gave me enough breathing room to pay those monthly bills at the minimum payment. I never did realize how much debt I was in until there were times those lucky months at the slots didn't happen, and having my paycheck just barely pay off my monthly bills, I then saw I had no money to eat or anything else. Then seeing that, I really had to take the gamble, which was use those credit cards for cash advances at the river boats and how that gamble paid off. My big win came in, a winning slot of $15,000 dollars, and damn I was in heaven. Now that house payment, boat payment, truck payment and everything else was so much easier, so now I had a few more months to breath. However did I realize, that $15,000 dollars was even close to catching me up. All it did was make me more thirsty for more, I want more money, I wanted it all. Instead of saving some of that $15,000 dollars I just had to go back to the boats, this time more than before. I played and played, and I won some more and it felt so wonderful, but when you win, you forget how much you lost, and you forget what you do to correct your losses. I looked at that $15,000 dollars and added my bills up, my loans and discovered, it wasn't even a third of what I owed in bills and loans. I was even so naive that in my winnings that did benefit me, I could had paid off a loan here and there, paid off a credit card here and there gradually with those thousand dollar winnings I achieved in the past. But when you get greedy as I, I wanted more, I wanted to pay everything off all at once, and even with that $15,000 dollars, that was only the beginning. The $15,000 could had paid off a few loans as my truck and boat, but that was not enough, I figured if I could win $15,000 dollars, I could win 30-40, maybe 50,000 dollars and pay off everything all together. That $15,000 didn't last long, the winning was not happening anymore and all I could see was I was in debt so deep, my monthly pay check was not even a fourth of what I owed in bills and loans. I was in deep trouble, and I maxed out every credit card I had, 5 of them. I got cash advances on all of them, and I went to the boats every chance I could. I lived on the boats, I ate on the boats, I slept on the boats. I needed that money now, and needed it bad. Even though I was in debt so much, and was hurting financially bad,..I still loved my gambling, my slots. I couldn't give it up, I couldn't walk away, I couldn't stop breathing it. I was living it, I didn't want to do anything else. I lied to my friends, I deceived my friends...I lied to my relatives, I rather be on the boats then with my friends and relatives, the boats meant more to me than anything. I even hated to hear other's laugh and enjoy themselves on the boats, to me there was only one purpose playing the slots and that was to win, not to have fun, so other's I wanted to just shut up and be quiet or leave. I so many times would laugh at other's who would win lets say a hundred or even five hundred on a slot, I saw that and said thats just peanuts. If I didn't win a couple thousand at least, it was a waster of time. I hated to win a hundred, even five hundred was not fun to win. I couldn't walk away for playing the slots, I couldn't walk away knowing that next pull will be the big win. When I lost that $15,000 dollars, and maxed out all my credit cards, I was desperate, but it all paid off. I started winning, 5 thousand, 2 thousand, 8 thousand, 4 thousand, and all those winnings were in one pull, and to win all that, I didn't pay much out, I was winning big, and I couldn't stop. I was keeping up with my bills, I was breathing easier now, and that gamble paid off when I maxed out all my credit cards with cash advances for the slots. Besides that is what is so thrilling in the world of gambling, to make that bet, to take that gamble and to beat the odds. I beat the odds and I was living high off the hog. Oh I still was paying my bills and loans monthly and minimum payments, for I didn't want to waste any money, I wanted as much money for the slots, and even though paying minimum payments on credit cards was a losing thing...I still had my time to play the slots more and more. I was keeping up, even though I one enough to pay off almost all my loans, and a few credit cards, and if I did that, I would not even be close to being deep in debt, I be doing good. However, as before, I wanted more, I wanted it all, and I wasn't going to pay anything off until I could all together. One thing you never do see when gambling, you never look at your losses, you never see what you are losing. That one period in time, I won about $30,000 dollars, and was to naive to pay anything off, and that $30,000 was putting me in the black financially, but I couldn't walk away.
Christmas was coming up and of that $30,000, I had just about 3,000 dollars left. Within a month, I lost about 27,000..but that didn't stop me. I was so far in debt, I didn't use any of that 30,000 I won a month before to pay anything off, and my bills were just killing me financially. Well Christmas was here, and that would save me for awhile since I live in Indiana, I was heading to Alabama for a few weeks to see my parents who retired down there, and my brothers family. This was the beginning to see who I really was. I had about 3,000 dollars left to my name, that wouldn't pay half of my monthly bills, since even my weekly paycheck averages about 400 dollars since almost a 100 dollars was taken out to help pay back my 401 K, so I never saw that 100. It was getting real tough, and quite nervous for me since right now was the first time I was thinking of bankruptcy. Well, I was heading for Alabama, took 2,000 dollars out of my checking, and ready to leave. Well, I pulled out of the drive way, and headed the wrong way. When you are addicted to gambling, nothing gets in your way, not even family, no matter how their health has been, and both my parents had their health problems lately. My mom was battling cancer and my dad was battling old age with his diabetic ailments that were greatly hindering him. When addicted to anything, you learn to lie as well, and I knew, all I had to do was make up an excuse about me wanting to get alot of sleep for that 15 hour drive. Thats one thing I should mention to since talking about trips, I loved to fly, but never could since I never had the money, and that would in the future make me sick to my stomach not being able to fly. I went the wrong way for a reason, I headed to the boats, you always think you can when addicted to gambling, and I was going to double that 2,000 dollars I had with me. I got to the river boat, and damn, within 5 minutes and only wasting 100 dollars in a slot, I won 1600 dollars. Within 5 minutes I now had 3500 dollars on me. 3500 would be good for my trip to Alabama, and have a lovely Christmas with family. That was a good dream, but not reality for me...the slots meant more, and i stayed, and I played the slots, and about 12 hours later I went back home with nothing. I had to wait the next day to cash a check so I could go down to Alabama for Christmas, and that check would be all my money left in my account....1000 dollars. I lied, I called and told my story about getting alot of sleep...and that didn't even bother me, because after awhile, the addiction makes you void from humility. A month went by and I was so far in debt, I only had one choice to make, and that was to file for bankruptcy. I files, now the humility came upon me, here I am, single and filing bankruptcy. You would think though I would have learned my lesson, but not me...I had the fever so bad, I was already scheming somehow to keep on playing the slots while having filed bankruptcy. I filed and was told that I need to go to gamblers anonymous to help in my chapter 7 court date which was going to be months from now. Me going to gamblers anonymous was a joke, for i wasn't addicted, I was just enjoying the slots, as I was telling myself all the time. I didn't think I was addicted, lieing and being deceitful isn't being addicted, even when losing our life's saving.....that is not being addicted. However I called gamblers anonymous, and talked and yes I was going to plan on going to their meetings, but during this time, one of my worse fears came into play, but at the same time gave me and excuse to not go to gamblers anonymous.
I got a call from my mom and brother from Alabama, and was told my dad was admitted to the hospital, and was in serious condition. His health had been bad for quite some time, and now his body and heart were just giving up. He was 86, and life now was coming to an end for him, Mom was even told that he had only a few weeks, months, maybe a year, but unlikely...a few months were more likely. For me, one good thing that was keeping me afloat after filing for bankruptcy was the fact work was getting busy and the overtime was happening. So as I was helping myself in working overtime, I was helping myself just barely financially, and not now having to pay my debtors do to my filing, my finances were looking just a tad better, but still hurting financially most of the part. My brother, who was helping my mom, staying with her needed help since he had his family, and me being single, I could if had to could take time off and be with her until my dad got home from hospital. I especially knew I had to go down since I found out as well, my mom had a mild heart attack, and was told that with her illness and my dad's illness, she just collapsed with all that was happening around her, so I knew she needed me to stay for awhile. For that, I decided to take some FMLA from work, and stay at least a month with her, so off to Alabama I went. With FMLA, you don't get paid from work, you just get the protection of your job, and this was one of the times when a person can feel quite low about himself. This month without pay was going to hurt me bad, and times like this is when you look back at your foolishness with gambling and realize, you shouldn't even be worrying about money right now..but I was. I love my parents, but this was going to hurt me..but I knew I had to be there. When I arrived, the first time I saw my dad I saw he didn't have much time. He was going to be released in 3 weeks so to come home, and in those 3 weeks I didn't see any improvement, and knew his time was very near. I helped to drive my mom back and forth those 3 weeks to see my dad, not wanting her to drive since had a heart attack due to exhaustion weeks ago. I also wanted to stay an extra week to help see what happens with him home, so that whole month I knew to myself, I need to stay longer, because I knew my dad was going to die soon. I knew I should stay, but I knew financially I couldn't, and that bothered me. I looked at my past and my gambling problem and I realized how much it hurt me, but not just me, it was hurting all around me. I was glad to see that a nurse was going to come in and help mom at times, but I also saw mom couldn't help dad alone, and needed alot of help. Mom became pretty fragile after battling cancer the year before, and many now told her, she should get hospice for dad, but to her, that meant sure death for dad....but dad was dying, but she didn't want to give up. I had to leave, not being paid was hurting me alot, and I did have a little vacation left from work, but knew I would need that later for dad, but at the same time I knew his time was near now....but I couldn't financially. I left and felt like I deserted my dad, and being single during times like this, I shouldn't been in the position I was in, and thats the first time I realized how bad I was with my addiction. 3 weeks later, my dad died, and all I could think about was how I should had been there for him, I should had stayed. Heck that wasn't all, I had vacation time to go back down their, but I had no money, I had to borrow money from my relatives where I live to be able to go bury my own father. What really hurt was knowing that when I got a call from my mom a day before dad died telling me that he was close, not having the money to fly and knowing if i did fly, I would had been there by his side when he passed on. That kicked me right in the ass, and all I could do was see what my addiction did to me. I should had been with my dad when he passed away...that hit home, and looking back and seeing how I lived with my gambling problem..that hit home hard.
After my dad's passing away, I knew I had to change things in my life. I had to finally accept my addiction and see what was happening to me. Luckily work was still busy and the overtime was plentiful...I also decided to finish writing a book I always wanted to write in life, and with work and my book, I knew those 2 things would keep me away from the river boats. I tried so hard to give up the slots, and with me working so much and writing...months went by where I didn't even think about the boats, didn't even want to go...I was winning my battle. However, things do happen, and with me working so much and writing..I was getting burned out...I mean I was working almost every weekend, and with that, I was slowly helping build up a checking account. Work was burning me out and I needed time off...and thought I should go visit some of my relatives. One of them even invited me for a weekend to go fishing, another to chop down some trees to help me for the winter to burn my wood burning stove. I though about both, but that was it..I only thought, but what I wanted to do was see if I could handle the boats. You would think how low I felt now being able to be with my dad when he died, I would learn. I did learn, but the only thing I knew anymore in enjoying life was going to the boats. I gave everything else up before..I gave up my friends, my relatives, I gave up everything for the boats. Thats all I had left were the boats, all I knew, only way to have fun was playing the slots. I gave up life for the gambling, and when addicted...you always are.
I took about a 1,000 dollars with me one weekend, and as soon as I entered the boat, I knew I missed it. The sound once again was heavenly, the noise was the most beautiful tune I ever heard, and i missed that noise. I went to check out my favorite slots, and they were still there after months of me being away. It seemed I could hear them whisper to me, "welcome back Bob". I always thought about a tune , Hotel California by the Eagles....there is a line in there, "You can check out at anytime, but you can never leave", and with addiction, that line is so true, as if was written for gambling addiction, or any kind of addiction. I played, and played and wasn't doing so good, but for some reason it was fun. I was low on money, and needed a big hit now, so decided to play a progressive slot, and the progressive jackpot was for $17,000 dollars..so I tried. After 3 pulls, I hit that 17,000 dollars....and was I stunned. I looked at that and my knees just buckled...I won $17,000 dollars and only spent about 5oo to win it all. Those were some very good odds. I had the boat pay me half in check, and help in cash....that was stupid. I should had them pay me in one big check, because now I had 8,000 dollars plus in cash, and what does a addicted gambler going to do with 8,000 dollars in cash...? and yes I did. I lost 2,000 dollars of that 17,000, and I did one thing I normally wouldn't do, I left to go home, but that drive home I was already making plans next time to win back that 2,000 I lost. I even wouldn't use my gold card or platinum cards when I gambled this $17,000 dollars, for I did even want Harrahs to know I was betting my $17,000 win. I also had a little insight to where I wanted to use some of this money to help pay of some of my debts, and hopefully bankruptcy wouldn't hurt me as much, because my court date was nearing. That next weekend after all week just thinking about adding to that 15,000 dollars I now had...I was about to hit the boats again. Looking in my dresser drawer at the 7,000 dollars in cash, I first thought I take a thousand, then I decided maybe 2 thousand, then I said, "why not", I took all of it. I came home that weekend with nothing, I lost all that 7,000 I took and now I only had a check of 8,000 dollars left of that 17,000 I won a week ago. That hurt, and now that just made me more determined. The following weekend I took that check to the boat to cash it, and believe it or not, I was planning to bring that cash home, save it for my book and also help one of my cats who was sick with fleas. Well that was a good thought...after 24 hours I lost it all, I have now lost all $17,000 dollars I won a few weeks ago. You talk about being stunned, about just wanting to scream....I was just numb for days. I just sat around and just stared off in space, asking myself how could I do something like that, blow all that money. Well to someone who is addicted, you don't think logically, you think with your addiction, and I wanted that 17 thousand to be 34 thousand and more. I had dreams, I wanted more...now I have nothing. However that wasn't might last gamble that weekend I lost that 17 thousand, I had one more gamble, and that gamble I assisted in killing my cat. Sparky was having a few problems with fleas, she or any of my cats don't go outside, but with 2 dogs who go in and out, you figure the fleas be around, and Sparky was for a few weeks being manifested with a flea problem. I adore animals, but I don't know much about them..I don't know what to feed them, what not to feed them, what makes them sick, what makes them allergic...I didn't know much of anything. My pets however lived the life of kings...they always ate good, always had the run of the house, and Sparky was one of those affection cats who is not just a cat who you see in a blue moon and then for days they don't want anything to do with you. Sparky always was around me, always whispering that soft meow my way...for being 12 years old, she had that meow as a kitten. You could hardly hear that soft meow, she was so gentle, so affectionate. So many time she always jump up on my lap, walk up to my chest and meow when I be watching TV, then either take off and do her own thing, or lay on my lap and take her nap. Writing bills she would always jump on the table, walk all over my bills, get in my way, even gnaw on my pen and always purr...always just there for me to see and hear. When on the computer writing my book, there be Sparky, walking right in front of the monitor, blocking my view and just meowing as if saying to me, "Oh am I in the way". She was always there, when sleeping, if I awoke at night, I open my eyes and there were those little green eyes looking my way, she be laying on my pillow just waiting for me to awake so she could say that soft meow. Times I think she watched me sleep...probably hoping I leave so she could have the whole pillow, which at times, she tried to nestle that pillow away from me. That weekend when I lost everything, my mind just roaming, and not concentrating on anything accept what just happened with all my money, I decided I should give Sparky a flea bath and if have to, maybe take her to the Vet. One of my other cats years ago had the same problem Sparky was experiencing with fleas...I took her into the Vet and found out she was allergic to fleas, and they helped cured her, and she came along fine. Sparky I decided I'll gamble and give her a bath, for gambling was all I knew, and now I couldn't afford a vet, so this was all I could do. Not really thinking, I hunted Sparky down, grabbed her and think she new what was going to happen, weeks before I wiped her down clean, and she didn't like that then, and wasn't to happy this time either. However, the other time I just gently wiped her down with a damp cloth, not briskly or soaked her, but this time I was going to use that flea shampoo on her and do a good job. I started bathing her, and her meows were getting loud, she didn't like water, and she meowed loudly last time as well..so didn't really concern me that much. She was soaked, and then I poured on some shampoo..started to scrub her, and just like that, those meows were screams of hell. I just thought she didn't like being bathed, so just washed her off, rinsed her off and all I could hear were those meows that were not even loud, but screams. I then noticed she jerking her body and her eyes were just opening so wide and watching and seeing that, I knew something was wrong. I quickly wrapped towels around her as she shook, her body was just so tight, her limbs were just swaying as though she was fighting another cat. I felt her body tighten as she just reached, as if stretching her legs with her eyes bulging so large, I really knew she was hurting bad, but wasn't sure what to do. All of a sudden she just laid still, and was breathing heavily as I thought she might now be getting better from the reaction she just had as I dried her off. Suddenly out of the blue she just started letting out the loud screams as she just started jerking her body as if having a epileptic fit..she just tighten up so much with those bulging eyes, screaming so loud as I watched. Seemed as though something shocked her, thats how she acted, and I look back and think she did go into shock. I watched, I held her, and just like that it seemed she just stretched her body out all the way as if she was fighting for her last breath, her body was so tight, as just like that her body just lay still, and that tightness now was nothing but limpness. She was barely breathing as I tried to give my Sparky CPR, I breathed and breathed as I watched her breathing , if would get stronger. I tried more and more breathing as I just looked at her, now seeing no life at all from her. Her breathing stopped, her body just so limp, so lifeless as all I could see was her eyes still open as I held her, trying to hold her head up, as her head just fell back down. I just could see those eyes stare at me as if saying.............."WHY". I got towels around her, and rushed her to the emergency vet which was about 45 minutes away. This being a weekend, all I had was the emergency vet, and with all the stop lights and traffic, I knew 45 minutes was a wish. I made those 45 minutes, and when I picked her up to take her in, in my heart, I knew she was gone..and when I had the vet take her to see if could help...I even could see in their eyes, there was nothing they could do for Sparky. I gambled to cure my cat, and my cat Sparky paid with her life.
I drove home that night from the vet, and all I could think about was...2 weeks earlier, I won $17,000 dollars at the boat, and I couldn't spend atleast a few hundred on my cat to cure her with her problem. I had all that money, and I didn't want to even help my pet who needed help, so I took a gamble, and she died. All I could do was during that drive home was think and visualize the agony she went thru those few minutes, Hearing those screams that came from her, seeing her body just shake and shake with fear in her eyes. All I had to do was take a few hundred, or whatever it cost to help her and take her to a vet, but to me, a gambler who has a deep addiction, couldn't let go of his money, for all I cared about was me and my gambling. She died i agony, and that hurt knowing what I caused her to go thru, it hurt knowing that I...killed my cat do to my problem, my lack of care because all I wanted was money and to gamble, and nothing else mattered until I finally realized it was to late.
It has now been a week since Sparky died, or I should say, a week since I killed her. I sit here and think about what I did, and I sit here waiting for Sparky to jump upon my computer desk as I write this, and just look at me and give me that soft meow. They say that when you have a problem, you never realize it until lightening strikes, that night when Sparky died, lightening did strike, and I finally noticed, in my life, with my addiction, I was destroying my life. I guess when faced with a disaster in life, you finally see yourself, and what I saw I hated. I looked at myself and saw someone who was bankrupt, a liar to others so I could live my life gambling and not have to put up with my friends or relatives. I looked at myself, knowing that because of my problem, my addiction, I let down my dad by not being there when he breathed his last breath. I looked at myself and saw everything around me was caving in, even my house was not important to me before, repairs or anything meant nothing because I wanted all my money for one purpose and that was to play the slots at the boats...to gamble. Watching my lovely cat die in pain hit me hard, not ever seeing anything die in front of my eyes before, did hit me right between the eyes. Knowing dad wanted to see me those final moments made me sick knowing I wasn't there for him. Now I look, my house is a wreck, my friends I don't see anymore, my life is in despair, and I have nothing to show for having even lived a life.
I miss that cat..damn I miss those meows, that mellow affection animal. I look at my other pets, and at times I think they are trying to figure out why she isn't around anymore..where Sparky went, and at times looking at them, I believe they miss her as well. I sit here and wonder what happened, how did I get so addicted, and I tell myself, because at first it was fun............but now, it hurts.
Somethings have to happen in life to make a person see themselves, and usually that happening has to be brutal. That night when I killed my cat due to my neglect of everything around me, did get my attention...for I have never killed anything before............until that weekend when I killed my cat, because I was lost in another world, and that world was the world of addiction to gambling. I guess you could say, Sparky's death saved me,,,that sounds good, and i should feel good and thankful that I finally opened my eyes, ...but all I feel is guilt and shame. I never was a wealthy man, my income was never enough to pay for my addiction, whatever wealth I did have is no more. I just didn't lose my financial state of living, I lost alot more that money and gambling can't even buy. I lost my dream of getting my book published, I have no assets to help me in any avenue I take. I lost my honor, my dignity and my worth of being a loving human being. I lost my truth in who I am and how to live, how to live a life of self esteem and dignity. I lost so much, but I did gain something...I gained shame, and that I have so much, and with that, I lost that pride. Gambling, playing the slots was fun at first, but if you, as I, falter to its addiction...you lose more than money...............you lose your serenity of life and the love it has. I do not ask God for another chance or help me financially to rebuild my life, I made my life the way it is and now have to change it and renew it....all I ask is God to forgive me. I lost more than money in gambling......I lost myself. ........................I am sorry dad..............I am sorry Sparky...............................I'm sorry.
2 weeks later after I wrote this story, my mother cat "Lucky" died. I couldn't even help her, and I keep on telling myself over and over, she had to have died because of old age...........................but it wasn't because of old age..............but thats all I had to make me feel somewhat good. Lucky 12 years ago gave birth to her kittens in my lap, she trusted me to do that. Do to my addiction and trying to correct my living habits, I had to work weekends so to try and live again. One sunday I was going in for 4 hours to work, and when I put her in her bed and walked out the door, she looked at me, as to say "don't go". I left, came back and saw she wasn't in her bed after I got home after those 4 hours. I looked for her, and there she laid on the floor at the end of my bed, her eyes wide open, her mouth wide open as looked like she died in pain. I looked at her, and cried...knowing that when she gave birth in my lap, she trusted me, and yet when she needed me, I left her alone....to die alone. I am in bankruptcy still, my house is falling apart, I lost my friends, I still have no money to really live....even my permanent grocery store is the dollar store down the road from me, and beef stew night after night is getting to taste bad. I blame no one except myself....I do not blame gambling institutions, for I and only me was the one who made these decisions in the life of gambling. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of getting my book published...that dream was very alive a few months ago, but now just a prayer, but I still pray. With Christmas coming up, I ask God to forgive me for lieing to my mom about not being able to be with her for Thanksgiving, because I couldn't afford it....and what hurts is this was the first Thanksgiving she was without my dad in 56 years. I am to proud to ask for financial help from anybody, and to proud to even let others know about my problem I am working on. I just hope others who have the same problem I lived can read my story and not fall as I did, and if that happens to just one out there...then this Christmas, I can atleast be thankful for just that reason alone...............!!!
