Chapter 36
“
… Next! You may not see it and I can’t believe that you didn’t cause it
looks so obvious…”
Then
Buffy lift up her selves and the bottom for her pants and turn both of her
wrist. They saw scars everywhere. The way that she showed them it looked really
obvious, but they never saw it before… like Steve did.
“
… Yeah! I had cut myself numerous of time and it’s hard for you to imagine
it. But I had that habit for
a very long time. I started to that the same day that I had found Justin with
Sarah in the bed.
I was in my car and I had a found a penknife laying around. I took and without
thinking
twice I had cut myself and that was my first scar… Here...”
Buffy
had pointed of a scar at her left wrist and about 3 more next to it.
“
… I continue doing that when I’m depress, upset or not. The star on my ankle
and the cross were make when
I wasn’t upset or depress at all and I don’t know why I made them. It
didn’t hurt or anything.
This one (on her right wrist) was make after Karlie had drop me at my place
after that scene with Justin
and Sarah at Ryan’s party. Yeah! All of you may start “We shouldn’t let
her be alone!!” and all that.
But I’ll always find a way to cut myself no matter what. I could take a knife
and got to the bathroom …”
-
Buffy
can’t
be doing that herself! It’s too impossible to imagine! It can’t be!, Lissie
said on her turn.
-
It’s
still impossible for all of us to imagine!, Nick said as he held his lover close
to him.
-
Well…
that’s two question down. One more to go that’s it..., Tilky said back.
-
Which
is?, Amy asked.
-
Why
she killed herself when it's not about Justin...
“
… The next it’s hard for you to understand. But I’ll try my best to
explain it!… It may seem hard to believe,
but I wasn’t happy at all with my life…
The thing is, I wasn’t happy in anyway. Beside the world suffering, the world
hunger, the racism, the poverty and all that.
My problem it’s bull
shit next to them. But I had suffer a lot too and I can’t be happy with it.
All of you may know that
I’m not happy when everyone is happy. You may think that I had ended my life
because of the world…
well it’s not! It’s because I wasn’t happy…
I know that's hard to believe, cause I always smiled and laughing everyday when
I see you guys. No offence to anyone,
even if some of you GUYS and I meant GUYS as NO GIRLS, do act like a bunch of
jerks, but you know that I love you GUYS
for, but I had learn how to hide my feeling very well. And that’s why you guys
can’t see my sad side. And beside that,
all of you have someone special in your life! Karlie, Ryan, Lugo, Paola… I saw
you guys marry one day and the others too!
No offence! You had found love at such a young age and I haven’t yet…
I though I had found it, but I didn’t. You may think it’s Justin, but I’m
over that guy for a very long time.
When I cry, my tears wasn’t for him it was some else. Every cry, every tear
that fall down my cheeks,
every pain in my heart, every endless night of sleep and every suffering
wasn’t for Justin.
It was for… Steve…”