Chapter 5
As
the summer passed by like eternity, I was getting more and more sicker. Mentally
and physically from the fact about thinking about Ricky too much. YES it�s an
obsession and I even admit it! Also from the fact that I didn�t eat at all. I
even admit to myself that I have a BIG problem, ever since I picked up a knife
and cut myself with it, not willing down to my veins though. Even though you
could hardly see the scar, but it will ALWAYS be a reminder for me about that
kind of summer I had and in what kind of depression I was and it wasn�t like
�I Got The Blues� and all. It will also be a reminder of how unhappy I was
and I deserve to be hurt in ANY kind of ways.
But anyways� Also during that time, I had met some pretty wicked peeps over
the net, which I considered them as my sisters and brothers and all that. There
were Karlie, Lee, Tiff, Mich, Paola, Erika, Bekah, Dasha, just to name a few,
and because of them, my attitude and personalities had change. I was more�
Miss Bad Ass Attitude with an Hot-Temper Chick. I wasn�t myself anymore, cause
because of them my self-esteem had made a GREAT boost. Cause from that day, I
show more my feelings, say what I got to say, don�t let other people walk over
me and just don�t give a shit about what the others think of me. They made me
realize who�s the REAL Angela deep down and thanks to them� I had discover a
little bit about myself. There were also Greg and Andrew. Those guys are so
great to talk to and actually know how to make a girl laugh when she�s down
and know how to make a girl feel good about herself� not to mention FLIRT a
lot. But anyways, I know that I could turn to them when I need some male conform
and I can admit to anything� well NOT almost anything.
I didn�t start my grade 10th at Mont-De-La Salle with the right foot at all,
cause� ONE: Ricky was at another school, because of the freaking mother
fucking principal bitch transfer that hottie to another school, cause he skipped
too much classes. SKIPPED TOO MUCH CLASSES MY ASS! They were another students
who skipped too much and did that got transfer or something? NO! But anyways,
like last year, I felt a fuck up vibe going through my body and NO, it wasn�t
weed. A feeling hat was telling me that THIS school year would be a different
one from the others and DEFENITELY impossible forget.
From the fact of hanging with Claudie and Julie-Ann too much, I begun to cut
myself cause I was depress about EVERYTHING and for the pleasure of seeing my
blood slowly dripping down my soft skin and slowly pouring down my wrist. All I
knew was that when I was in pain, I cut myself, cause it felt good, cause it
seemed that all the pain went out through my blood. Well since I AM a scary
bitch and all, my scars aren�t deep like Julie-Ann�s, but there was one scar
that I had spend LOADS of time of cut it over and over, which turned out to be a
shape of a star on my left ankle. From that hanging out with them, they
constable smoke weed every lunchtime and of course I joined them. We started to
say that we were lucky, cause you know that getting weed it�s hard and ask
money right? Well Julie-Ann�s brother sold some and she also got into it. She
got like 8 bags of 5 grams each to sell and she could only take 3 out of 8.
Simple as hell� it was her profit.
Beside that shit, never in my life I had attempts so many suicide. I gotta say
it was almost twice every week. I had buried my face with sleeping pills before
I got to bed and hopping that I wouldn�t wake up the next day. (That�s where
the poem �At The Bottom Of The Ocean�� got inspire) Took some during
school and end up sleeping in class, hard time to get out of classes and
especially walking up and down the stairs, which I almost felt down and almost
knock my head, but one of my friend caught me in time. My head wasn�t at
school anymore and I hardly even study, like last year. My head was spinning and
confuse, all I wanted was to stop, but it seemed that there were no ways. From
that beginning of school, I had start to eat, but it seemed that every time I
tried to swallow, it gonna come up. That was when I had started bulimic and kept
it up for several months without telling anyone.
Why all those shit in such short time? ONE: I wasn�t happy with myself and the
way I look. Cause everywhere I turned my head, there was ALWAYS some girl who
look way good, beautiful and skinnier compare to me. Heck myself next to them, I
look like an elephant! Thinking of how guys must be desired them and how much
they attracted guys so easily and I couldn�t. With that I spent most of my
time thinking the way I looked instead of thinking about my education. TWO: I
wasn�t happy with my life and complaint about it too much, but the way I
looked at it� I knew that I gonna be happy and thankful compare to the others
who doesn�t have much as I did. THREE: I though that I was only on earth to be
miserable and be torture by everyone. Be an amusement to God to see me hurt
myself.
I didn�t confess to a lot of people, cause I didn�t wanna attract attention,
be a drama queen or get them worry for nothing. But after I broke down that I
had on one special night, I had confess it to 6 people: Mich, Kaz, Lee, Tiff,
Lissy and Mar. Since Mich was the first person I told, I had send her an e-mail
exactly how I was feeling and what I had suffer through life. It was around
midnight after I sent the e-mail and when I was about to turn off the net to go
to bed, she IMED me the next minute telling me that she got my e-mail, telling
me that I was on earth for a reason and I was meant to be here. Since she wanted
to called me, I told her that I wanted but my folks were sleeping, so instead we
ended up chatting since 2am or 3am on a SCHOOL DAY! But it was worth it talking
to her about it.
At the month of December 2001, I went to the school council after broking down
in tears about the night before that with Mar. For once, I had confess every
little detail of my past and present and I was feeling. I knew that it
wouldn�t do me any good, cause I already been into a council, but I was wrong.
I was in council till the end of the school year and I had to admit that it does
help me a lot, cause Josiane took the time in her schedule to talk to me when I
needed someone to talk or to turn too when I got no one.