Citizens' Center
(page 6)
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -
I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't clean up your act,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me about JUSTICE -
"One day you will have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like YOU..
THEN you'll see what it's like."
MOM TAUGHT ME RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of that carpet!"
MOM TAUGHT ME LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why!"
MOM TAUGHT ME IRONY
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about!"
MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT CONTORTIONISM
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck?"
MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone!"
MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT WEATHER
"It looks like a tornado went through your room!"
MOM TAUGHT ME HOW TO SOLVE PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would
you listen then?"
MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times-don't exaggerate!"
MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
And most of all.....
MOM TAUGHT ME THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out!"
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
- - - - - - - - - -
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband.
- - - - - - - -
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
