Citizens' Center
(page 1)
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"?
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL"?
The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
DID NOAH FISH?:
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
SUNDAY SCHOOL:
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
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I Don't Suffer From Insanity; I Enjoy Every Minute
of It.
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Some People Are Alive Only Because It's Illegal to Kill Them.
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I Used to Have a Handle on Life, But It Broke.
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I'm Not a Complete Idiot -- Some Parts Are Missing.
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God Must Love Stupid People; He Made So Many.
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The Gene Pool Could Use a Little Chlorine.
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Consciousness: That Annoying Time Between Naps.
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Being "Over the Hill" Is Better Than Being Under it.
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Ever Stop to Think, and Forget to Start Again?
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Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.
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A Hangover is the Wrath of Grapes.
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I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
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Stupidity Is Not a Handicap. Park Elsewhere!
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He Who Dies With the Most Toys Is Nonetheless Dead.
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A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words, But It Uses Up Three Thousand Times the Memory.
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Ham and Eggs: A Day's Work For a Chicken, a Lifetime Commitment For a Pig.
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The Trouble With Life Is There's No Background Music.
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The Original "Point and Click" Interface Was a Smith and Wesson.
Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do"?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
STORY OF ELIJAH:
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Profit and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now" said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, " I know, I know," she said, "to make the gravy!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalms 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task. But, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalms 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know!"
