Chapter Fourteen
Eventually, One Day
Kaylen sat under one of the large trees on the edge of the garden. Even though it was the middle of November she felt the need to sit outside and let the wind wash her cares away. She sat with her latest book, Joanna Trollope, but spent most of the time looking out over the fields of the Chapman�s estate. It was now two days after the explosive conversation with Alex. It had released a weight off her shoulders having the strength to tell him exactly what she thought, and talking about what her family had done. He might be a well educated somebody but that did not give him the right to act in such a hurtful manner and say those mean things about her and the relationship with the Chapmans. It wasn�t as if he was perfect, far from it in as many respects as necessary. The Chapmans were nothing but nice and friendly people with big hearts.
Lady Charlotte walked out to find Kaylen; she was carrying a box that she thought Kaylen might be interested. Charlotte sat down next to Kaylen and put the box in front of her. Kaylen enquired after the contents. �This was a favourite keepsake box of photographs and things of your mother�s. I think there are also some letters between her and your father. Emily�s diary is in there as well. I just thought you might like to look at these things at some stage. I am not saying you have to look through them now, just when you feel comfortable or not at all. It is up to you, these are your things now. We have been saving them for you your whole life.� Charlotte left the box and retuned to the house. Alex was wrong about these people. He had belittled her and claimed that she wasn�t being true to herself. What rubbish! It was those that she had thought her closest family that had done this to her and left her life in ruin. It was up to Kaylen to pick up the pieces and forge herself a future that she would be proud to call her own. She did not see the Chapman�s as just money and riches, they were a family she had not known but wanted the chance to get better acquainted. There was also another family out there, that of her father, that she also wanted to know. The Chapman�s were her only hope of gaining access to the other; they had the time and resources to help. Here in Kaylen�s hands lay the proof that they would help and that they wanted her to find her father.
The wind picked up and Kaylen could feel a shower of rain was on its way so she picked up her book and box and went inside to find a nice warm spot. The fire was going strong in the library that was near to her room. Kaylen had taken a shine to this room and she had spent most of the previous day exploring the volumes owned by Lord and Lady Chapman. No longer would she have to take two buses to get to her favourite library, now it was two rooms away in the vast comfort of a true English Country House. This house was full of books, a literature graduate�s dream arrangement. She had been given permission to read anything she wanted from these libraries. With the roar of the fire and the big comfy chairs, Kaylen was in heaven. Kaylen put aside her book for the moment and opened the box of her mother�s memories. The words Lady Emily Charlotte Chapman were etched into the lid. It was strange to see the name with so many airs and graces was actually her mother. Kaylen could not tell if this box had been opened much since Emily died. Usually these types of things are put aside soon after the death and then pulled out years later as the family has dealt with their feelings and are ready to move forward.
The first photograph, sitting on top of the pile, was of what looked to be a mother and daughter. Kaylen worked out that the older lady was Lady Charlotte, and looking at the other girl Kaylen saw herself. This was the first time she had seen a picture of her real mother and she could instantly tell everything everyone had said was true. Up until now it had been possible that this had all been a terrible mistake, looking at this photo proved all the stories. Kaylen sighed and continued through the pile. Some of the photos had names written on the back. There were photographs of Emily with Caroline and their other sister Alicia and brother Samuel. One photo that caught Kaylen�s attention was her mother and a rather dark young man. The words on the back simply said �Billy and me 1978�. The time was right and the young man�s origin was right. Kaylen tried to look and see if her mother was carrying any extra weight. The picture was not showing it if there was. Kaylen put this picture aside and continued. There was more of Billy than anyone else. There was a strong possibility that this was the first time Kaylen was seeing anything to do with her father. She was determined it wouldn�t be the last. After sifting through the rest of the photographs, Kaylen came across Emily�s diary. She pulled it out before putting the photos back and shutting the box. The diary could wait until a later time; time to talk to Charlotte about the photo.
Kaylen headed to the nearest intercom point and pushed the button. �Charlotte, where are you. I want to ask you something.� The answer came back that she was upstairs in her private study. Kaylen carried the box and diary back to her room before taking the picture upstairs. She knocked on the door and was welcomed inside by her grandmother. �I found this picture in Emily�s box, is this who I think it is?� Kaylen asked as she pointed to Shawn.
�Yes, that is your father. If you want to get in touch with him I have the details.� Charlotte was working on a business plan for one of her supported charities.
�I might leave that for a little while, if that is okay; although I will at some point in the near future. I was just wondering if it was. I was also wondering if it was okay if I stay with you for a little while during this transition stage. I have a few things to work out, like what to do with my life. I do not think I will resume my travels in the near future so I need to decide on a contingency plan. I also need to decide what to do for employment because my nest egg will not last long.� Kaylen was fiddling with the picture and looking at every inch of her father�s face. Finally she was able to see in one photo where she came from. Kaylen looked at it in the same way she used to look at her mother�s face, wondering what features they shared. Now she knew why it had been so hard to see when people said �you have her nose�.
�Kaylen, you can stay here for as long as you want. We love having you here with us, the only thing will be how long can you stand living with your grandparents cramping your style.� Charlotte smiled and laughed.
�I don�t really have a style, and even if I did I don�t think you two could ever cramp it. You have much more exciting lives than I could ever imagine. And you aren�t exactly the stereotypical grandparents.� Kaylen also smiled. There was something she wanted to do with her life, she just had to remember what her dreams had been all those years ago when she headed into university with a youthful vigour. The world was her oyster and she was going to start doing what she wanted, and not what her parents had suggested.
Kaylen headed back down to her room and picked up her laptop and set it up on the little table next to the window. She lent back in the chair and tried to decide where she fit in society.
Kaylen
So here I sit in this window as the shower hits the doors and I am tucked up cosy and warm in this beautiful room. I am sorry diary that I have ignored you for a few days. I don�t really feel the need to go into details for you. I have all that stored in my memory forever. I also do not want to talk about Alex. I guess things change and people change over time, I just didn�t expect it to be so quick. I do need to talk about what I want to do with my life. I know for now I am very welcome to stay where I am, safe in the hospitality of the Chapman�s and their family. I cannot stay here forever and when I leave I want to know what I am going to do. I know it will be something to do with books, just do not know what at this point in time. I also know I do not want to do my Doctorate, although Doctor Kaylen Knight sounds nice. I wonder how Doctor Kaylen Chapman sounds. I wish my name did not hold so much hatred. Knight - that was his name, but I am not ready to give everything away of the old Kaylen away.
Although I enjoyed working in the publishing house and seeing all those books turn from manuscripts into real books, it was never really a passion. I guess everyone�s dream is to see their own book up there in print and being read by others, but is that my dream? I love books more than anything, love to read and to suggest books for every mood or desire. I guess that is why I was good at the publishing house, able to give feedback on what worked and what didn�t. Where does that leave me then? Nowhere closer to knowing what to do! I guess I do not have to think about it now; I have plenty of time. I think I will spend some of that money in my bank to buy a car. I need to get out and explore some of this wonderful countryside.
For now though I think I will shut down my musings and have a read of my book. I need a bit of light relief in a hectic world. I love the reading resources of this place. I am beginning to understand that my mother was an avid reader and very smart but definitely cut down in the prime of life when she was beginning to flourish.
At the moment I am reading Joanna Trollope�s novel �girl from the south�. Inside the book cover she uses the term �bedevilled by indecision�, that is the exact way I feel at the moment. Soon I will decide and everyone will be left in my wake.
Kaylen shut down her diary and opened one of the other files on her computer. She started reading through the novel she had worked on the November before. There had been this challenge for the United States National Novel Writing Month. People had to begin on November 1st and write 50,000 words before November 30. Because of her travelling this year she had not attempted this again but last year she had managed to write approximately 70,000 words give or take a few thousand. It had been nearly the whole year since she had last read this novel, and she could see a million things she wanted to change and adjust. Her work this year in the publishing house had given her even more skills in weeding out the good from the bad, and in Kaylen�s opinion this was not too far off the beaten track. At least to fill in her time now she could blow the dust off and try and finish her old novel to see where it could lead.
Later that evening Kaylen opened her mother�s diary and read a couple of entries as she lay in bed. The following excerpts are from various passages throughout the diary.
Emily
I am afraid of what my friends will say when they learn of my horrible infliction. I guess most people would be happy if they were pregnant but I am not. These people are probably not fifteen though. Maybe in a few years it would have been okay if I was this age and pregnant. I wonder what those times will be like. I wonder if we will all be living on the moon in the year 2000. I will be thirty six and my child will be twenty one�Oh my god. I am so young. There is no way I can keep this child. Billy thinks that we will be able to see it even if it is adopted out. Mother and Father have already approached adoption agencies and the possibility of choosing people to take my baby when it is born.
I have been thinking lately about this child growing within my body. I know there is no way I can keep the child because it will bring such disrepute to my family and I have to protect their honour when I could not protect my own. I know that it was an accident but maybe I should have tried harder to resist the temptations of loving my boyfriend. I wonder what is to become of my child and I.
I am nearing the date of my baby�s arrival and I have been thinking of names. My parents have promised that they will pass the name on to the adoptive parents. For some reason it feels like a girl is growing inside. I read a book once by this author named Candida. It was about a girl thrust into adulthood due to an unplanned pregnancy but it is not just about that. It went really deep into the emotions surrounding the conception and eventual birth of the baby. I am feeling a lot of what the character was feeling through her nine month ordeal. I have even talked to Billy about the name and he loves it too. We have secretly started calling the bump Candida and do not even care if it comes out a boy. It is not like we would be the ones calling our child home to dinner each night and tucking her or him into bed at night.
Kaylen now knew where her horrible name had come from and it wasn�t as she had suspected something Darrell and Joanna had pulled out of the air. It was real and it was a connection to her mother.