April 23, 2004

Opening my eyes I noticed that all three cubs were not in the room. But Ursa was. I laid there for a bit, and started to close my eyes again hoping she would thing I was a sleep still and she had not seen me wake up.

ursa simply called, "awake I see

I opened my eyes and looked around again, "You know where all the cubs headed off to?"

Ursa nodded, "Buddi's moved back to his room to rest and your cubs are fine...we've put them in a room together

"I kind of wishs you guys hadn't

but you know why we did

yes cause of how I felt the other day

yes...you need to face that Selena...all you're doing is running

"I don't want to face that"

why?

"when I'm busy I don't feel it so it should I'm fine

ursa shook her head, "and your captors have won

"what do you mean?

they spent the time you were in that camp making you live in fear did they not?

yes

well, here you are...afraid to stop work because the thoughts return, afraid to face your past and afraid to conquer it. they're still controlling you

"they do not"

yes, they are. you're still living in fear. You're letting them win because you refuse to fight back against these thoughts

I sighed and looked at Ursa, "I don't normally have those thoughts only once in a while."

only when you arne't working or with your cubs. You're LETTING them rule your life

I sighed and got up and started walking around the room the moving helped to make me calm I wasn't liking where this was going

do you LIKE this fear ,Selena?

"No"

then why do you allow it to continue? Look, even now these thoughts are troubling enough you can't even stand still

If I had something to do i wouldn't have to worry about these fears,

no...if you had somehting to do, you'd be running from them...again. they're still there. You just throw yourself into other things

I didn't say anything just started to walk more, then headed over to the rocking chair, and started with that still not talking too much

do you like the fact they're controlling you?

"They are not"

they are and you know it.

gettingup i headed out the door to find which room my cubs were in

ursa grabbed her arm, "If you let these thoughts continue, you've let them accomplish what you fought so against

I sighed and ripped my arm away and headed into the room and picked up one of my cubs. and sat down not wanting to look her in the face

you've let them win." Ursa followed her. "Your sister did not send her cubs away to you so you could remain under their control

Ursa I don't want to deal this!

and I don't blame you. but don't you think that your sister would want you to be rid of that fear?

Even if I didn't like it to and as rare as it is, the tears started to show

I turned from her and burried my face into Jaysa

wouldn't she have liked you to be rid of this fear?

The tears started even more I turned compleaty around so that she couldn't see my face

if you ca't face this for her, can't you for her?

if you can't face this for you, face it for her

the tears of the pain wanted to fall something i never let show before

can you do that for her?

i can try i,... guess,..... I think

for her?

I laid the cub down again and started to head out the door and back to where I was supose to be in the first place,

ursa followed her

I turned around and looked at her for a moment not saying anything

can you try for her, Selena?

for her I,... guess.

ursa smiled, "she'd like that wouldn't she?

I think so

ursa smiled, "We can help you Selena...

But why would you want to do that, I mean Ursa I'm not really that important

ursa said simply, "You are important...because you're Selena.

I am not important

you are. No one else is like you. You're Selena. And you're a great mother and friend simply for that

I sighed Ursa I'm a run away slave, and nothing but that

something thats made for nothing but work

no pleasures

ursa said simply, "Selena...I want you to tell me something

I looked at her not saying anything

did your sister love you?

yes

why?

I don't know cause she was the only one that cared about me, I guess

i didn't even know what that was until i got Sky

did anythign FORCE her to care about you?

no we weren't actually permitted to care about each other

so why do you think she did?

I don't know

I don't even know why anyone would

did she have anything to gain by caring after you?

I don't know

anything to lose>

you said you weren't permitted to care...what would have happened if you'd been found out

they would kill the one or the other

so was she risking her life?

yes

why would she do that for someone she didn't love?

I don't know she was only 6

at the time

she risked her life for the sole emotion meant to overcome logic and reason

I just look at her for a moment not knowing what to say, then walked over and picked up the scrapbook and started to look through it

ursa put a hand on her shoulder, "answer me this...did you ever think your sister would abandon you?

if she had to yes, cause of her being sold

ursa sighs, "would you ever abandon her?'

ursa sighed, "Selena...even if you were at the risk of losing your lfie?

yes

no one who is worthless would risk such a thing

I started repeating what I had been told for the everyday for the first four years of my life,

ursa merely walked over and told her, "the next time you say that, I'm wahsing your mouth out

I never even looked at her, and spoke the rest of it,

ursa drug her into the bathroom and shoved a handful of herbs into her mouth

I fought against those things those things were horrid

ursa made her hold them for a good 15 minutes

as soon as she let me spit it out I looked at her and said no wonder Timmy stopped cursing as much, that stuff is just nasty. then went quiet again

ursa nodded, "and I;ll do that everytime you say that

Ursa its true though

ursa merely shoved another herb intp her mouth

managing to spit it out I glare at her,

ursa said simply, as she shoved it back in, "I told you, don't say that

and I managed to speak with the stuff in my mouth saying i didn't say it I just said it was the truth about me

ursa merely pushed another herb into her mouth, "whether you believe it or not, I don't want to hear anything negative about any gummi ad that means you too

as soon as I got those out, I said i wasn't talkoing about anyone eles just me

ursa said, "you're a gummi...I said _any_ gummi

although I'm not worthy of being one

ursa washed her mouth otu again, "nwo for the last time...NOTHING negative

soon as tat was done I just sat on my bed and stared off to the side not saying anything

the thoughts still running through my head

ursa said simply, "i want you to say those things again, those that I told you last time

I looked away and didn't say anything, I couldn't bring myself to it those words for some reason wanted to make me sick, it did that the last time as well

ursa said, "I'm not leaving you alone until you say it

"I can't say that Ursa, I'm sorry"

i'm staying then

Instead of saying anything I laid down

ursa merely stayed and stroked her hair

don't do that I told her moving away from her hands

ursa said simply, "why? and don't tell me that you don't deserve it

I'm not to have stuff like that

says who?

I'm not to have anything of the like

says who?

thats always how its been

you meant to start a new life when you left didn't you?

I didn't even know what life was I didn't know why i was leaving

only that I had to

do you want to live by the same rules you were fed in that camp?

I never answered but i backed away from Ursa even more

do you/

no but I don't deserve anything eles

Selena...this is YOUR life not theirs...YOU make the rules...not them

I don't deserve any of it

but who mkaes the rules for you now>

no one

exactly...you get up when you feel like it. you do what you like...this is YOUR life

I still get up at the crack of dawn, and such

but do you HAVE to?

I,..... guess not"

will you be punished if you don;t?

.... I......... guess,........ not

will you be?

I........ don't............think.................so" I told her slowly

ursa said simply, "Is anyone around to punish ypu for it

.......n......o

very good...so that's in your control, isn;t it

i don't want to talk any more Ursa"

I said closing my eyes

all right, you don't have to...you can rest. But I want your cooperation if only for your sister's sake

Ursa I'm going home tomarrow

i know...but I'm coming over at least once a week...hear me?

don't bother with that

i am...

its not needed

i am still coming

I'm fine Ursa

i'm still coming

don't bother, I'm fine worry about Buddi not me I'm not a cub anymore he is

I never really have been a cub," I added under my breath

ursa said simply, "I'm coming, case closed. Now get some sleep

and I whispered good luck in getting me to say anything cause I don't want to"

ursa merely said, "I'm stubborn. now sleep

and as soon as she leaves I walked into the bathroom and lost everything i had eaten that day

then headed out for bed

ursa called in, without a word, "I'll have grubbi give you some more food..

"I don't want it"

it wasn't a choice...just get some sleep for now before I come in there and stick you

I always throw up after someone talks to me like that, its a reflex" I told her as I closed my eyes again

ursa just elft her for the moment although she told grubbi to keep an eye on her

He nods although wondering why

and asks Ursa what she's up to

she just says, "do it

he nods then watches her head back a bit later, "Again Ursa what are you up to? You left awhile ago what are you doing?

i have an idea I need Ulisa for

whats that?

ursa smiled, "Just tell Selena to be ready by tomorrow morning

he nods

ursa walked off, a cunning grin that grubbi had nearly forgetten on her face

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