April 20, 2004

I could feel the sweat running from my back as well as the blood running down my back as the whip, as it cracked against my back from not working hard enough I could fell myself scream and cry the pain unbearable.

Ursa had walked into sickbay to check on her son but at seeing Selena's twisting movements, she approached her and shook her shoulder

Jumping I looked around the room breathing hard and reached for the water and started drinking again,

Ursa took it away after five glasses'

I need it Ursa, I need that water I'm so thirsty

no...you're using the water as a barrier. you can't have anymore...you had so much yesterday if ya have much more you'll make yourself sick

I need it though I need something to drink

no...no more

I sat there shaking like mad and reaching to where my arms would reach on my back trying to see if the blood was still there almost as if I hadn't totally woken from the dream

Ursa sat down by the bed, "Bad dream?'

I nodded backing up out of habit

ursa said, surprised, "i'm not gonna hurt you

I looked at her bluching knowing she wouldn't, and just looked at her then the twins i had beside me and the tears really started to show, I raised the back of Jewels back and looked at her scares the ones that were healed over and gently ran my fingers on her back beside them as my sister and I would

Ursa walked over and put her hands on Selena's shoulders, "you were getting hurt...you were back in the camp, weren't you?

I nodded keeping my face away from hers

it's okay Selena...yer not there anymore...someone was putting you through hell...I could tell

"I,... I,... couldn't move fast enough for them."

Ursa squeezes her egntly, for a comfort

in a reflex responce I pulled away quickly and backed up

Ursa sighed, "I'm not going to hurt you

gently I moved closer again but still kept my distance not really talking

you wanna talk about it?" Ursa's voice had turned soft...like when Buddi was frightened

I looked at her stunned "the whips they cut deep the blood poured down again soaking the only thing I had to wear

ursa rubbed her shoulder gently, "It was a dream. You're safe and your cubs are safe

slowly i lifted the back of my shirt revieling no fur just skin and scars

ursa gently rubbed the gummi's back with some lotion, to help hide the scars

they burned every bit of fur off my back once for running away

ursa sighed, "it never grew back, I take it

no everytime it tried they burned it back off

ursa ran her hands over her back, "there are still some roots...I can feel them

they never grew back though

cause they aren't sitmutlated...we can stimulate them'

how do we do that?

grubib has some herbs and a lotions he can apply

Can you do it instead? I would feel better about it

ursa nodded and smiled, "sure. I'll be right back

Sitting there I trembeled and waited, as a thought came to my eyes about one of my older sisters, one that had also ran at one time

ursa came back quickly and told selena that the lotion would feel warm but not hot

I nodded, I spoke as she put it off, Ursa one of the things I seen was my oldest sister she too tried to run, and she too had a dreadful thing happened, She had a new cub at the time too

ursa spoke gently, "let it out

Ursa they cut off both her breasts so she couldn't feed the newborn cub

ursa growled under her breath and gave selena a gentle squeeze

not only did the cub end up dieing but she too did from bleeding to death

ursa merely held Selena, unsure what else to do

we all had to watch this they said it would happen to anyone eles who ran

Ursa sighed, "what happened to these...camps?

they figured out and started getting rid of the evedince, cause its not alowed by law and killed everyone of them off they could, others were sold while some managed to excape, I made it, jewels their mother was sold the rest of my family burned alive, and theirs still more of them around I don't know where the rest are, but thats what my triplets came from

thats one of the reason's Cyanne acts so tough

Ursa nods, "I even hear a rumor about one, I'll go tear it down with my bare hands

so will I, every so often they take all the cubs that are 5 and under and kill them by burning them and when they do that, they're still alive

ursa merely rubbed selena's hair and ganced over at the two twins and then to her own cub. her teeth clenched in anger

you want to see something?" i ask her seeing her look at the twins

ursa gave a nod

gently while Jewels slept I removed part of her diaper and showed her the rash that she had the skin still coming off from where the rest still remained,

ursa merely gave a nod

thats the camps doing, they never let my sister change her

ursa sighed

she had to hide Jaysa so they didn't know he was even there

cause of his foot?

I nodded, then spoke, if they new about his birth defect they would have killed him right off the bat

they would have left him on a hillside that they had and let him starve todeath or get eatten by wolves

ursa merely pulled her close and said, "That's all in the past..."

I know, but you know how close the last one was from my home?

the one I trashed

ursa didn't ask or reply just held her'

was only ten miles, my sister died five from it

ursa just rubbed her hair, and held her, knowing nothing could be said for such pain

thats the other reason i didn't want to be clear out here, for the fear of those things and my cubs

ursa merely rubbed her shoulders, "It's destroyed...it's in the past

but how many others are still near me?

will any good be accomplished by worrying?

on instint I ran my hand against the cubs legs my eyes wide with fear

with that touch, "Ursa they have them"

Ursa blinked, "the trackers?"

I nodded at least Jewels does,

here, see I said telling her to feel the spot, it was still fresh

ursa felt the girl's leg herself and then taking out some herbs, she rubbed that on before quickly removing it and destroying it

I noted her looking at me odd though, I questioned it

Ursa said simply, "Selena, too many of your fears are from things that are unfounded. If you trully worry about camps near your children ,why not check yourself rather than worry

I would if I could you guys brought me here I had planned to go out and look after i had gotten the others down for a nap

ursa chuckled, "I can send my warriors out in a 50 mile radius around your home, if you want

I need to do it for myself

to give myself the peace

all right but you need to get rest before you're strong enough

I sighed still a bit shaken

ursa merely held her, sensing she needed it

I pulled away, shaking my head

ursa sighed deeply, "you have so much pain and yet you reject comfort

thats something that can't have for myself

why not? no one's here stopping you

comfort is for the small ones

No, Selena..I don't know who taught you that but they're wrong. Everyone needs comfort. I sometimes need it. Grubbi sometimes needs it, that's what clans are for...we comfort each other

It's something I'm not permitted to have, father said that it was something i couldn't have cause i angered the others so I must learn

your father was wrong. No matter what buddi does, no matter what I do...nothing we ever do is bad enough to make them lose the right to have comfort

I give it to mine,

the best I know how anyways

and you deserve it. You can reject it all you want. *she grabbed her in a tight embrace* But it'll fall on deaf ears

I tried hard to pull away

ursa kept her in a tight lock

I ended up holding my breath and stiffening up

ursa merely pinched the sides of her neck, making her breathe

I still kept myself stiff not moving the fear still in my eyes

I'm not going to hurt you and no one is going to punish you for this. I don't know what your father was like but he was wrong about this

my mind kept racing like mad, I couldn't help it, I needed for her to let go, It was something I wasn't good enough to have this, I wasn't even supose to happen

and so I tried again to pull away fighting a bit

ursa said simply, "You are good enouh for this. Don't try to tell me you aren't

I still kept up the pulling away

ursa said simply, "stop it. " she smacked her lower back, not too hard but firmly, "now stop it

"I can't have this, don't"

you can. no one is going to tell you that you're unworthy, no one is going to punish you for it

Ursa let me go I don't want this

and why not? give me a good reason

I can't have this I don't deserve it, i said fight with the emotion that was still new to me, I could give the comfort but I couldn't take it myself

Ursa said simply, "you've survived hell, you're raising some beautiful cubs...you _do_ deserve this.

no i don't I'm not worth it

and why do you say that

because i'm not

I'm just a slave girl

no...you arne't. and if you ever refur to yourself as that again, I'll tan you worse than I did Cyanne, hear me?'

I nodded but still had that part in my head thinking it

now, there's something I want you to do for me

what?

i want you to repeat something for me

repeating what

Ursa turned her face so it looked into a mirror, "I want you to say, "My name is Selena marie Walker Gummi. I am a wonderful mother, I am beautiful and I am a wonderful gummi

"I,... I,.... can't I said looking away from it

ursa smacked her lower back, "say it

I can't say something that is a lie

then you have been lying your entire life...because what I'm asking you to say is the truth. your mind is wrong...your heart knows what I'm saying is true

I still can't say it Ursa, I'm nothing but a,......" my voice trailed off not knowing what else to say

ursa filled in, "a wonderufl mother...your children love you do they not?"

yes they do

would they love someone who wasn't a wonderulf mother?

no but i loved mine and she wasn't like that

Ursa gave a nod, "don't they tell you that you're a good mother

they never do

not with those words...does Skyla like to cuddle with you? Don't they crawl in bed with you when they're scared?

yes

that tells you everything you need to know

okay even if i'm a good mother, I'm nothing eles

tell me this selena...you garden don;t you?

yes

tell me...do you ever get a good plant from a bad seed?

a mother is the same. You never get a good mother from a bad person

I'm nothing but a slave girls and never will be anything more, one that doesn't even have the right to breath the same air as the rest of this life

urs smacked her backside, hard as she could

ouch! Ursa don't do that

i said don't refer to yourself that way and I meant it

I'm only stating the truth I told her

ursa smacked her again, "I said stop it

but I can't lie about who I am

ursa smacked her again

I just sat there quietly for a moment before asking her to let me go

ursa refused. "I will when you say what i told you to

I can't

I can't say it

then I'm not letting go

I struggled to get free again

ursa restrained her and merely repeated that she would ket her go when she said ir

slowly I repeated what she needed to hear

louder

you said if I said it you'd let me go

i couldn;t hear you...say it louder

taking i breath I said it slowly but louder and with my eyes shut

ursa said, "Open your eyes and say it one more time, a little bit louder

Ursa let me go your not keeping your promise I know that you heard me that time

you didn't see yourse;f saying it. that's part of the requirement

I left my eyes open and said it again

ursa let her go and told her to rest before getting up and walking out

Selena made her way into the bathroom and locked the door before washing her mouth out with soap then headed back without rincing first and headed back to her bed and laying down

ursa was waiting and as soon as she saw selena, she picked her up, washed the soap out and smacked her again

Ursa!

you know very well what that was for and if you say those words were bad, naughty or a lie, I'll smack you again

I waited until I had laid back down and said under my breath low enough that I didn't think she could hear, but it is

ursa came over and smacked her

Ursa, don't do that I can't say that I'm something I'm not

ursa smacked her again, "you keep saying that and I'll keep smacking you

Ursa I'm 23 I'm to old for those

ursa said, "next time I take my belt off

you wouldn't I'm an adult you can't do that

ursa said simply, "watch ,e

I just turned away the thoughts still fresh

every day, yer gonna repeat that, hear me? I'll make you

I can't do that

you will. for now, rest. but if i hear any negative words towards yourself, you'll get my belt, understand?

I shook my head

saying sorry father I failed you closing my eyes

ursa merely said, "if your father pumped those thoughts into your head, he doesn't deserve to be called a father

no it is I that don't deserve anything he was their best one, I wasn't I just caused trouble never was fast enough or worked hard enough but i'm almost there

ursasaid simply, "and if your each that, how are you going to boast to>

I don't know but i'll find away as soon as I'm well taking only time out to spend with my cubs

no you won;t. because as of now, you aren't leaving here until we get that ridiculous thoughts out of your head. and do you really think that you;ll be setting a good example for your cubs doing this?

Ursa I need to get back home

no...for the last time, you're staying here until those thoughts are out of your head, at least to a degree...do you realize what you just said, Selena?

no what? that i need to get myself home to my cubs?

no...you said that you'll only take time out for your cubs...that means that this work is first, your cubs second...is that what you want

no i didn't

yes, you did. I heard you. and I borrowed something from Timmy. " she played back those exact words on the recorder. "again...is that what you want

no I'll spend time with my cubs then I'll work I just said it backwards thats all

ursa raised a brow but she knew she'd struck a nerve

and ursa I'm not worth the time

not your time anyways

ursa merely flexed her belt and raised a brow

you should be out with the little ones training them, Timmy's probably out ther eagain

ursa merely crossed her arms, "I go where I'm needed

he needs you not me, I'm not worth the time Ursa

not worth anyones time

ursa walked right over and smacked her with her belt. "I said stop it

Besides, Selena. My baby's still in here...you REALLY think I'm leaving?

owie I said rubbing my backside

ursa gave a nod, "good...now sleep

I sat up taking the other cub of mine and laying her were I could put both arms around my cubs while i slept, and on myside

ursa waited until sleep over came her before going to do the same with her own cub

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