CHIEF: Max, this will undoubtedly be the most dangerous mission you've ever be on. You probably won't get back alive.
MAX: If you're trying to scare me, Chief, you're wasting your time. I don't know the meaning of the word fear.
CHIEF: You'll parachute from 6,000 feet.
MAX: I think I just learned it.
MAX: I'm getting complaints from the landlord about the gun battles in the hall, the bombs in the lobby, and the knife fights in the elevator.
CHIEF: Well, when you rent an apartment to a secret agent, you've got to expect those things.
MAX: But he doesn't know I'm a secret agent.
CHIEF: Well, how do you explain people attacking you and shooting at you?
MAX: Well, I told him I work for the IRS.
MAX: I'm sorry I'm late, Chief, but I was stuck in the car for almost 20 minutes.
CHIEF: I know, 86. The traffic.
MAX: No, the seat belt. I can never get that darn thing unbuckled.
CHIEF: Max, I don't know what I'm going to do with you. You bungle assignment after assignment.
MAX: I resent that, Chief.
CHIEF: Do you deny it?
MAX: No, but I resent it.
CHIEF: There's no telling where they'll be able to infiltrate next. Maybe even the Pentagon.
MAX: You're right, Chief, but even if they do get a man into the Pentagon, that's not saying he'll be able to get out. I remember one of our own agents was lost in there for three days.
CHIEF: Three days? Max, no agent could be that confused.
MAX: Well, let me see, I went in on a Friday....
SENATOR: Mr. Smart, how many arrests did Control make last year?
MAX: I don't know.
SENATOR: Who's the #1 man in your organization?
MAX: I don't know.
SENATOR: How many cases were assigned to Control last year?
MAX: I don't know.
SENATOR: What would you do if you were fired, Mr. Smart.
MAX: They can't fire me.
SENATOR: And why is that?
MAX: I know too much.
99: Sometimes, I wish you were just an ordinary businessman.
MAX: Well, 99, we are what we are. I'm a secret agent, trained to be cold, vicious, and savage. Not enough to be a businessman.
99: Oh, Max, how terrible.
MAX: He deserved it, 99. He was a KAOS killer.
99: Sometimes I wonder if we're any better, Max.
MAX: What are you talking about, 99? We have to shoot and kill and destroy. We represent everything that's wholesome and good in the world.
MAX: Listen, 99, did you find out anything about that restaurant that sold me the poison coffee?
99: Yes, Max. It was a KAOS front. They stayed in business almost a year just to get the Professor. Then they packed up and disappeared. Terrible, isn't it?
MAX: It certainly is. They had the best prune danish in town.
99: Oh Max, you're so brave. You're going to get a medal for this.
MAX: There's something more important than medals, 99.
99: What?
MAX: It's after six o'clock. I get overtime.
CHIEF: All we know is that they threaten to wipe out the city containing our finest intellectual minds and greatest leaders.
MAX: Well, at least Washington is safe.
CHIEF: 99, I'd like you to help me make out a report on tonight's activities.
99: Right, Chief. Usual procedure?
CHIEF: Naturally. 3 copies of the report.
99: File the master copy and burn the other two?
CHIEF: Of course
99: Chief, I've been meaning to ask you about that. Why do we bother making extra copies when all we do is destroy them?
CHIEF: It's a security procedure, 99.
99: Doesn't that strike you as a little odd?
CHIEF: Well, I used to think so too, but, well, it's all carefully explained in the Control Standard Procedure Handbook
99: Oh. MAy I take a look at that handbook sometime?
CHIEF: No, I'm afraid not, 99
99: Why's that?
CHIEF: We burned it.
CHIEF: Now, did you get all that?
MAX: Not all of it Chief.
CHIEF: What part didn't you get?
MAX: The part after "pay careful attention."
CHIEF: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
MAX: No, I'm thinking what I'm thinking.
MAX: What you are saying, Chief, is now that we know how, all we have to do is find out who, when, and why, and where.
CHIEF: No, forget about where. When we find out who, we'll know where.
MAX: Well, how will who tell us where? You see, all that you've told me is that we know how, but we don't know who, when, or where, so that tells us that we don't know anything.
CHIEF: What?
MAX: Well, we know how, and that doesn't tell us when, so why should how tell us where?
CHIEF: Max, you're driving me crazy.
MAX: How?
CHIEF: Don't say that word.
MAX: Why?
MAX: Well, that's it, Chief. I'm off.
CHIEF: All right, Max.
MAX: Oh, one more thing, Chief.
CHIEF: What?
MAX: Where am I off to?
MAX: But I'm telling you, Chief, this is no ordinary kidnap attempt. I happen to have recognized one of those hoods as a KAOS man.
CHIEF: What's the man's name?
MAX: I can't remember.
CHIEF: What was the girl's name?
MAX: I didn't get it.
CHIEF: What about the license number of the girl's car?
MAX: I didn't see.
CHIEF: ow about the license of the other car?
MAX: I didn't notice.
CHIEF: Max, what would you do if you were me and an agent gave you answers like "I can't remember," "I didn't notice," and "I didn't see it?"
MAX: I don't know.
CHIEF: KAOS will have to find a new method of getting money for their operations.
99: Like what, Chief?
CHIEF: Well, I imagine they'll go back to bank robbery, extortion, and kidnapping.
MAX: Well, it'll be nice to have things back to normal.
CHIEF: I'm sorry to disturb you in the middle of the night, but we're facing a terrible crisis: the possible destruction of the entire world.
MAX: Well, couldn't it have waited until morning?
MAX: When I first came to Control, the Chief had hair.
99: When I came to Control, the Chief was bald.
MAX: That's right, you started two weeks after me.
CHIEF: Just don't get caught, Max. Capture means certain death.
MAX: Suicide mission, eh Chief? Well, you picked the right man.
CHIEF: I hope so.
MAX: You hope what? That you picked the right man? Or that it's a suicide mission?