MAYOR QUIMBY: We will now hear suggestions for the, uh, disbursement of the, uh, two million dollars.
LISA: Don't you mean three million dollars?
MAYOR QUIMBY: Of course. How silly of me.

RALPH: And my doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose-bleeds if I kept my finger out of there.

BARNEY: Hi, my name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.
LISA: Mr. Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting.
BARNEY: Is it, or is it that you girl scouts can't admit that you have a problem?

MARGE: I'm worried about Bart. Today he's drinking people's blood, tomorrow he could be smoking!!

LISA: Why do I have the feeling I'll be telling this to a psychiatrist some day?

HOMER: Homer no function beer well without.

MILHOUSE: Well Bart we've learned that war is not the answer.
BART: Except to all of America's problems.

WOMAN: This plant violates every labour law in the book. We found a missing Brazilian soccer team working in your reactor core!
MR BURNS: That plane crashed on my property.

GRANDPA: The good Lord lets us grow old for a reason: to gain the wisdom to find fault with everything He's made.

RALPH: Ms. Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder.

SCIENTIST: People, we're in danger of losing our funding. America isn't interested in space exploration any more.
ANOTHER SCIENTIST: Maybe we should finally tell them the big secret - that all the chimps we sent into space came back super-intelligent.
CHIMP: No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.

HOMER: I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES!

HOMER: Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.

MOE: Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
BARNEY: Maybe your standards are too high!
MOE (on phone): You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!

BART: If it helps, I believe that after you die, you come back as whatever you want. I'll be a butterfly.
LISA: How come?
BART: Because, nobody ever suspects the butterfly.

KENT BROCKMAN: Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.

HOMER: Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own.

HOMER: Every time I learn something new, a little of the old gets pushed outta my brain, remember that time I took that wine making course and forgot how to drive?
MARGE: You were drunk!!!
HOMER: And how.

MARGE: Grandpa, this flag only has 49 stars on it!
ABE: I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I acknowledge Missouri!

HOMER: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

HOMER: All right, brain. I don't like you and you don't like me. So just get me trough this exam and I can go back killing you slowly with beer.
HOMER'S BRAIN: DEAL !

HOMER: You tried your best, kid, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try.

HOMER: And Lord, we're especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is, except for solar, which is just a pipe dream. Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and love our family's experienced. well not today. You saw what happened. Oh Lord, be honest. Are we not the most pathetic family in the universe, or what?

BART: You can do it, Otto! You're the coolest adult I ever met!
OTTO: Wow! I've never been called an adult before ... I've been tried as one.

HOMER: Now, Marge, you can't blame all of Bart's problems on your one little speech. If anything turned him bad, it's that time you let him wear a bathing suit instead of underwear. And let's not forget your little speech!

MARGE: Well it doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know? It's what shows up on the surface that counts. That's what my mother taught me. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down, past your knees until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you, and happiness will follow.

BART: I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!

BART: I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!

NED FLANDERS: Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends! Well I say there are some things we don't want to know! Important things!

LISA: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

MARGE: Ooh! A punchbowl like that just screams good taste. Wouldn't it be perfect for the dinner party.
HOMER: Oh, we can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor?
MARGE: Well, maybe we could use it once, and then return it.
HOMER: Marge, we're not talking about a toothbrush here.

MARGE: Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie?
NED: You know, I like his films except for that nervous fellow that's always in them.

HOMER: I know you're only eight years old, and I don't want to put a lot of pressure on you, but you've got to save my marriage!
LISA: Oh. Okay. Can I stay up?
HOMER: [thinks] All right.

MARGE: Only three cavities, Bart, your best checkup ever! I'm going to make you my specialty, butterscotch chicken.

KRUSTY THE CLOWN: "Guns aren't toys! They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England outta your face!"

HOMER: "Trying is the first step towards failure!"

SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS: "God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place in organized religion!"

MR. SMITHERS: "People like dogs, sir!"
MR. BURNS: "Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! What would you say if I came into your house and started sniffing your crotch and slobbering all over your face?"
MR. SMITHERS: "If you did it, sir?"

HOMER: "Ya know....one of these days us honest citizens will stand up to you crooked cops!"
POLICE CHIEF WIGGUM: "Oh my gosh....have they set a date?"

COMIC BOOK GUY: "Make like my pants and split!"

MARGE: "Now I know what these 3 forks are for...but what is this big one for?"
HOMER: "Why, Marge my dear....I believe that's to scratch your ass with!"

MARGE: "Do you ever hide beer?"
HOMER: "DO I EVER!"
MARGE: "Do you drink alone?"
HOMER: "Does the Lord count as a person?

CANYONARO COMMERCIAL: "She's blinds everything with her headlight beams....she's a squirrel squashing deer crushing driving machine! Top of the line in utility sports...unexplained fires are a matter of the courts!"

MARGE: "Bart! It's 5:30 and you're in your underwear!"
BART: "This ain't the Ritz!"

HOMER: "Ahhh...the old yearbook photo! Homer J. Simpson. I can't believe I ate the whole thing! Activities: None. Sports: None. Awards: None. Honors: None. Ahh...soooo many memories!"

HOBO: "And thanks to that little girl we can find apples in everything good for us today...Apple Wine, Apple Schnapps, Apple Brandy, Apple Martinis, Snapple with Vodka in it, Apple Nail Polish Remover..."
LISA: "What about applesauce?"
HOBO: "I suppose you could grind some pills into it!"

MR. BURNS: "Family, friends, and religion! These are the 3 demons you must slay in order to succeed in business! When opportunity knocks you don't want to be rushing to the maternity ward or sitting in some phony baloney church...OR synagogue! Any questions?"

COMIC BOOK GUY: But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds.

MARGE: Homer, your growing insanity is starting to worry me.

TROY McCLURE: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons as Out With Gout '88 and Let's Save Tony Orlando's House.

HOMER: Gasp! Adam West! Kids! Batman!
LISA: That's not the real Batman.
ADAM WEST: Of course I'm the real Batman. See, here's a picture of me with Robin.
BART: Who the hell is Robin?

ROBBER: All right, you. Hand over the cash and don't try any funny stuff.
APU: Hey, pal, I assure you -- if I tried any funny stuff, you would be in hysterics.

Mel Gibson hires Homer to rework a film and it turns into a mindless, ultra-violent mess.
PRODUCER: You desecrated a classic film. This is worse than Godfather III.
GIBSON: Whoa, whoa, hey, whoa! Let's not say things we can't take back.

Homer steps into Toronto traffic on purpose.
LISA: Dad, no. It says 'Don't Walk'
HOMER: Doesn't matter. They have free health care.
HOMER (after he's hit by a car and goes flying): I'm rich!

MARGE (about Toronto): It's so clean and bland! I'm home!

Bart and Homer watch Canadian rockers Bachman-Turner Overdrive warm up at a state fair.
BART: Who are those pleasant old men?
HOMER: It's BTO -- they're Canada's answer to ELP. Their big hit was TCB. That's how we talked in the '70s. We didn't have a moment to spare.

During a teachers strike, Marge takes over Bart's class.
HOMER: How did it go?
MARGE: Exhausting! It took the children 40 minutes to locate Canada on the map.
HOMER: "Marge, anyone could miss Canada, all tucked away down there."

Springfield Auto Show
We salute the American worker. Now 61% drug free!

Springfield Nuclear Power Plant
As seen on 60 minutes.

Lucky Stiff Funeral Home
"We put the fun in funeral"

Stinking Fish Realty
With a name this bad
We've got to be good.

Toxic Waste. Do not eat.

Happy Hour: 5:00 to 5:30.

Home Security Trust
We're not a Saving & Loan.

Springfield Men's Mission
We Add God to Your Misery

New Bedlam
Rest home for the emotionally interesting.

Ye Olde Off-Ramp Inn
We're now Rat-Free! Little Miss Springfield Pageant tonight!

I Can't Believe It's A Law Firm!

Ladies Night
Unescorted ladies drink free.

Yiddle's
Practical jokes, magic tricks, and medical supplies.

Discount Lion Safari
If you can find a cheaper lion, you must be in Africa.

Clumsy Student Movers

Who's-to-Know Motel

Jittery Joe's Coffee Shop

Friends don't let friends drive. It's always time for Duff.

The Krusty Home Pregnancy Test.
Warning: May cause birth defects!

Springfield Retirement Castle
Where the elderly can hide from the inevitable.

Springfield Penitentiary
America's fastest growing prison.

Native American Ice Cream (formerly "Big Chief Crazy Cone")

Diz-Nee-Land
Not affiliated with Disneyland, Disney World, or anything else from the Walt Disney Company.

Temple Beth Springfield
Rabbi Hyman Krustofski
This Saturday: "Coping with Christmas"

Movie Titles:
I'll Fry Your Face III
The Smell in Room 19
Honey, I Hit a School Bus
Look Who's Oinking
The Stockholm Affair
Ernest Vs. The Pope

VHS Village
Formerly the Beta Barn.

Video Tapes: Football's Greatest Injuries.

Cathedral of the Downtown:
Archbishop Carries Less Than $20

Springfield Psychiatric Center
"Because there may not be bugs on you."

Toronto Store Sign: Dodgers of Foreign Wars.

Vendor: I've got crab juice or Coke.
Homer: Ugh...I'll take the crab juice!

Homer: Flanders, I was able to find your missing leafblower, belt sander, and morning newspapers.
Flanders: Well, Nice work Inspector Find It. Did you catch the thief?
Homer: Who said it was a he?
Flanders: Well, I sure didn't.
Homer: Who said you did?
Flanders: Nobody.
Homer: Wrong answer, let's go!
Flanders: Okily Dokily.
Homer: You're pushing your luck, pal.

Marge: Your a rage-a-holic. Face it! Look, your punching the cat right now!
Homer: What the?- Oh my god your right! Oh my god! I'm a rage-a-holic. I just can't live without rage-a-hol!

Carl: According to the map, the cabin should be right here Lenny: Hey! Maybe there IS no cabin! Maybe it's one a them, uh, metaphorical things.
Carl: Oh yeah! Yeah! Like, maybe the cabin is the place inside of us created by our good will and teamwork.
Lenny: Oooooh! ... Huh... they said there'd be sandwiches...

Lenny: "So I said to the cop, No! you're under the influence, of being a jerk!"

Homer: "Let your kids run wild and free, because as the old saying goes, "let your children run wild and free!"

Homer You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Homer: I saw some weird stuff yesterday. Sick, eerie, disgusting, godly stuff in there. And I want in.

Homer: What do they do? What don't they do? They do so much they just don't stop doing. Oh the things they do there!
Lisa: You don't know what they do there, do you?
Homer: Not as such, no.
Grandpa: I'm a member!
Bart: Dad, remember when we took those hypnosis classes to ignore grandpa.
Homer: Yea! It's 6 months and I still think I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken, Marge!
Marge: I know, I know.
Bart: Well maybe we should listen to him now.
Grandpa: I'm a member!

Agnes: I want everything in one bag.
Teen: Yes, ma'am.
Agnes: But don't make the bag heavy.
Teen: I don't think that's possible.
Agnes: What are you, the possible police?

Chief Wiggum: That's the end of your looney tune, Drugs Bunny!

Ned Flander: Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa Whoa. This movie is turning into Spongebob Nopants.

Bart: The cops can't just slap a curfew on us. We have rights!
Marge: Sure you do, you have the right to remain silent. [laugh]
Homer: That was cold-blooded, Marge. Marge: Yea.
Lisa: But it's not fair adults always blame kids for everything.
Homer: Well if kids are so innocent, why is everything bad named after them? Acting childish, kidnapping, child abuse.
Bart: What about adultery?
Homer: Not until your older, son.

Bart: Yes! yes! yes! Someone trashed the school!
Marge: What the dilio?
Kent Brockman (in news): I'm here at Springfield elementary, where this morning the three R's stand for rowdiness, ransacking, and eeeeResponsibility. Any suspects chief?
Wiggum: None. That's why we're jumping to the conclusion that this was the work of no good punk kids.
Lisa: Kids?
Wiggum: Therefore-affective immediately-I am imposing a curfew. Any kid on the street after dark will be shot. Or return to their parents, as their situation my warrant.

George Plimpton: All right, your word is weather.
Speller: Which one? Can you use it in a sentence?
George Plimpton: Certainly. I don't know whether the weather will improve.

Lisa: Dad... I had a nightmare.
Homer: Aw honey, you're cute. Come lay down and tell daddy all about it.
Lisa: I had a dream that the boogeyman-
Homer: AHHHH! BOOGEYMAN!

Kang: Greetings. I am Kang. Do not be frightened. We mean you no harm.
Marge: You, you speak English.
Kang: I am actually speaking Rigelian. By an astonishing coincidence, both of our languages are exactly the same.

Lisa: Yvan eht nioj? What does that mean?
Homer: It doesn't mean anything. It's just gibberish like ra-ma-la-ma-ding-dong or give peace a chance.

Lisa: Ok here's some travel tips; only drink bottled water, don't get into an unlicensed taxi, and remember, they have winter during our summer.
Homer: Wait wait wait wait wait, so in August it's cold?
Lisa: That's right
Homer: And in February it's hot?
Lisa: Yup
Homer: So it's opposite land! Crooks chase cops. Cats have puppies.
Lisa: No, dad, it's just the weather.
Homer: So hot snow falls up?

Homer: English. Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend, how can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer: [stares blankly for a few seconds] Can I have some money now?

Bart: Cool! I'll give you ten bucks for that.
Comic Book Guy: Are you the creator of Hi and Lois, because you are making me laugh. That drawing's worth exactly 750 dollars American.
Bart: It's valuable, huh?
Comic Book Guy: Ooh, your powers of deduction are exceptional. I simply can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go! go! for the good of the city!
Bart: Loser.

Bart: I wanna buy a copy of 'Bonestorm'. Here's 99 cents.
Comic Book Guy: [sighs]...Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction. You wish to purchase 'Bonestorm' for 99 cents. Net profit to me: negative 59 dollars... Oh, oh please take my 59 dollars. I don't want it. It's yours.
Bart: (Reaches for the money in the register)
Comic Book Guy: Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point.

Comic Book Guy: Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart: Hey, I know it was great, but what right do you have to complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They're giving you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? If anything, you owe them.
Comic Book Guy: [pauses] Worst episode ever.

Marge: We don't need T.V. to have fun. Why don't we play monopoly?!
Lisa: Which version? We've got Star Wars Monopoly, Rasta-Mon-opoly, Galip-olopoly, Edna Krabappoly.
Marge: Let's stick to original monopoly, the game is crazy enough as it is. How can an iron be a landlord?

Ralph: Slow down, Bart. My legs don't know how to be as long as yours.

Officer Lou: Hey chief, Can I hold my gun sideways? It looks cooler like that.
Chief Wiggum: What ever you want, birthday boy.

Lou: Hey Chief, you coming to bust that crack house tonite?
Chief Wiggum: Didn't we do that last night?
Lou: Yeah, but tonite we have the right address.
Chief Wiggum: No, I'm playing tennis by the Simpsons today.
Lou: The Simpsons? You mean the L.A. Clippers of backyard tennis?
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, they're easier to beat than a suspect in shackles!
Lou: I don't know chief, a suspect in shackles is pretty easy to beat...
Chief Wiggum: That's the joke. It's a joke on the Simpsons because of their easy beatability.

Wife: Now Cletus, why did ya haf to park next to my parents?
Cletus: Now, now, Hun. They're my parents, too.

Scientist: Now, Homer. We could remove the crayon from your brain; it could increase your brian power, or kill you.
Homer: Increase my killing power, eh?

Ralph: Hello, Lisa. Hello, Principal Skinner. Hello, Super Nintendo Chalmers.

Colonel: I agree to the duel, suh. I choose pistols at dawn.
Homer: Pistols at dawn? Oh why did I have to slap a guy that says SUH?

Movie ad: Buzz Cola! The taste you'll kill for!
German soldier: Available in ze lobby!
Lisa: Do they really think cheapening the memory of our veterans will sell soda?
Homer: I have to go to ze lobby!

Bart: Mom! My Slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets, and these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart, where do you pick up words like that?
Homer (on phone): Yea, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks, that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer, watch your mouth!
Homer: I got to go Moe. My damn wieners kids are listening!
Lisa: We are not wieners!
Homer: Then what are you dressed like that for?

Marge: Kids can be so cruel.
Bart: We can? Thanks, mom!

Homer: Close, but you're way off.

Homer: Lisa, honey, are you saying you're NEVER gonna eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Oh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal...he he he!

Homer: I love these lazy Saturdays.
Marge: It's Wednesday, Homer.
Homer: Aahh! Work!

Homer: Do you wanna change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you HoJu.

Homer: My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Man: Okay. Mr. Burns. What's your first name?
Homer: I don't know.

Homer: How much is this free resort weekend?
Man: It's free!
Homer: And when is this weekend?
Man: It's this weekend
Homer: Uh uh, and how much does it cost?
Man: Um...it's free.
Homer: I see, and when is it?
Man: It's....this weekend.
Homer: And how much are you charging for this weekend?

Sideshow Bob: Ah, the rake, my old arch-enemy.
Bart: I thought I was your arch-enemy.
Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside of you, Bart.

Marge: I guess you just can't use the law to nag.

Dr. Hibbert: You had what we call a cardiac episode.
Comic Book Guy: Worst ... episode ... ever!

Bart: I'm not really about gum, but I like the whole chewing thing.

Lisa: Eewww, how long has this baking soda been in here?
Marge: I don't know, it came with the house.

Homer: You used to be a boxer just like me?
Moe: Yup, they called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And finally Kid Moe.

Bart: Rock without drugs is like Christians without Jesus.

Fat Tony: Johnny Tight-Lips, did you see the shooter?
Johnny Tight-Lips: I see a lotta things.

Fat Tony: Johnny Tight-Lips, how's ya' mutha'?
Johnny-Tight-Lips: Who says I have a Mutha'?

Marge [talking to interviewer]: No one told us how tough it is to raise kids, they almost drove me to fortified line.
Homer[talking to interviewer]: Then we figured out we can park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised and I turned out TV.

Homer: And I'm not a guy that's easily impressed. Hey, a blue car!

Willie [singing]: When you're a-LOON and life is getting YE LOON-ley YE can always GOO..... *ACH!* - DOON TOON!

Millhouse: Behold gravity in all its glory!
Miss Hoover: Pretty lame, Milhouse.

Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer!

Homer: Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Homer: Effigy, eh? Yeah, nothing burns like an effigy.

Homer: I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there's no God.

Marge: Where the hell is that soothing music coming from?

Business Men: A pirate? Well, that's hardly the image we want for Long John Silvers!

Homer: Hey! There's a new Mexico!

Woman: Attendant, I'd like some gas.
Apu: Ye..yes I'm sorry I do not speak English OK.
Woman: But you were just talking...
Apu: Yes, yes, hot dog, hot dog, yes sir no sir, maybe ok.

Montgomery Burns: Yes, you're in deep "d'oh" now.

Disco Stu: Back away, not today, disco lady!

Homer: I don't mind being called a liar when I did lie, when I'm about to lie, or when I just finished lying, but not when I'm telling the truth!

Marge: Bart, you're home very late. It's almost bedtime!
Bart: Uuhhh.....uhhh.....uhh....
Sideshow Bob (appearing in cloud in Bart's thoughts): If anybody asks you, you were at the library.
Bart: I was at the library.
Homer: Yeah, yeah, I was at the library too. Yup, getting drunk at the old library.

Marge: Homer we're gonna be late for church! Good thing I dressed last night.
Homer: It's okay, I got some work to do around the bed.
Marge: Now, the Lord only asks for one hour of your week.
Homer: Then the Lord should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.

Bart: Hey Dad! There's something different about you.
Homer Clone: I am a new tie wearing.
Bart: Oh yeah!
Real Homer: If I know me I wouldn't like being kicked in the nuts.

Lisa (singing ): How many roads must a man walk down...
Homer: Three!
Lisa: No, Dad!
Homer: Ok, Six!
Lisa: No, Dad! It's a rhetorical question!
Homer: Rhetorical eh? ... Seven!
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer (rhetorically): Lisa! Do I know what rhetorical means?

[at the bottom of a pit]
Otto: How do we get out?
Moe: I know. Lets dig our way out.
[everyone starts to dig down]
Principal Skinner: No, no! Dig up!

Kent Brockman: And so as the rats' milk is returned to the sewers, the circle of life is complete.

Homer: Oh, save me Jebus!

Homer [on the computer]: Where's the any key?

Ralph: These berries taste like... burning.

Ralph: My cat's breath smells like cat food.

Nelson: What was that?
Lisa: It sounded like a silo tipping over!

Bart: Let's see... 40 years old times 25,000... He's a millionaire!
Skinner: I wasn't a principal when I was one.
Nelson: Wait! During the summer he paints houses.
Milhouse: He's a billionaire!

Ralph: I'm not allowed to use scissors.
(class laughs)
Miss Hoover: The other children are right to laugh at you, Ralph. These things couldn't cut butter.

Scientist1: Why did you think of big balloons?
Scientist2: Shut up! That's why.

Homer: What's going on? And I want a non-gay explanation!
Milhouse and Bart: We're drunk....very drunk.
Homer: Oh, thank God!

Marge: I'd like some coffee.
Man: Beer it is.
Marge: No I said cof-ee.
Man: Be-er!
Marge: C-O-
Man: B-E

Bart (on chalkboard): I WILL NOT PLANT SUBLIMINAL MESSAGORES

Homer (singing to the tune of the Flintstones):
Simpson, Homer Simpson,
He's the greatest guy in history,
From the town of Springfield,
He's about to hit a chestnut tree.... AAAH!

Homer (singing):
When I was seventeen,
I drank some very good beer.
I drank some very good beer,
that I purchased with a fake I.D.
My name was Brian McGee.
I stayed up listening to Queen,
When I was seventeen.

Lisa: An earring. How rebellious - in a conformist sort of way.

Ralph (reading Valentine card): It says "I choo-choo-choose you.." and there's a picture of a train!

Ralph: Can you open my milk. Mommy?
Miss Hoover: I'm not mommy, Ralph. I'm Miss Hoover.

Bart: Have you seen my dog?
Willie: I 'ate him!
Bart: You ate him?!
Willie: Yeh I 'ate the way he looks at me, I 'ate the way he walks.
Bart: Ohhh! You mean you hate him.
Willie: Yeah and I 'ate the mess he left me on the rug!

Smithers: Someone's charging room-service sir.
Burns: Release the monkeys. (Opens the cage of winged monkeys) Fly, my pretties, fly! (They fall out the window and land with a thud.)
Burns: Continue the research.

Lisa: I'm losing my perspicacity!

Milhouse: My mom says I'm cool.

Bill Cosby: Oooh, oooh. You see, the kids, they listen to the rap music which gives them the brain damage! With their hippin and a hoppin and their bippin and a boppin, so they don't know what the jazz is all about! You see jazz is a lot like a Jello Brick, actually it's a lot like Kodak film actually. Jazz is a lot like the new Coke- it'll be around forever, Heh Heh Heh!

Fat Tony: I don't get mad; I get stabby.

Ralph: Do you like, stuff?

Marge: That's no gentleman, that's my husband.

Ned: I've done everything the Bible says, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!

Homer: I'm gonna die! Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all!

Grampa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist... but he is NOT a porn star!

Homer: Ya see, white people have names like Lenny, whereas black people have names like Carl.

German plant buyer: We Germans aren't all smiles and sunshine.

Wiggum: Why are all the pretty ones insane?

The leader's brothers: Hello Homer. Would you like to come to a video about how the leader will take us to the planet Blisstonia?
Homer: Will there be beer?
The leader's brothers: What would you rather have: beer or eternal happiness?
Homer: What kind of beer?

Cletus (at the car wash): All right youngens, bath time. Cover up your eyes and drop your britches! Who wants wax?

Homer (holding a tub of ice cream): Marge, where's that metal dealy... for digging...?
Marge: You mean a spoon?

Homer (on Laddie): Oh, yeah. A dog like this you have to feed everyday.

Grampa (to young Homer): You're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly.

Marge (about Lubchenko, the field-goal kicker): Wow, he should have his foot insured by Lloyd's of London.
Homer (drunkenly): Oh, you just know what everyone should do, don't you, Marge?

Homer: Any questions? Yes, Bart's weird friend.
Milhouse: Will you be my Dad?
Homer: You've got a father. He's just a dud. Next question... Yes, the girl Bart has a crush on.
Bart: Ohhh.

Wiggum: All right, smart guy, where's the fire?
Homer: Over there. [points to burning police station]
Wiggum: Okay, you just bought yourself a 317: Pointing out police stupidity. Or is that a 314? No, no, 314 is a dog... uh... in, no... is that a 315? You're in trouble, pal.

Marge: I can't get Maggie to eat. Maybe if you try...
Homer: Oh, I'm twenty-six hours late for work- no time for Maggie. [Sees the back of a cereal box] Ooh! Where's Waldo? No... no... this would be a lot easier without all these people. Nope... no... [gasps] It's him! No... Marge: Homer!
Homer: Waldo, where are you?

Simpson Family: Ooooooh-ooooooooh!
Snake: Ooooooh-yuck!

Homer: There are three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart: Uh, isn't that the wrong way?
Homer: Yes...but faster!

Fat Tony: Any last words, Simpson?
Homer: Yeah! You can kill me, but someone'll take my place. And if you kill him, someone'll take his place. And... that's pretty much the end of it. The town'll be yours.

Bart: Cool! A lie detector! Lisa is a dork. Lisa is a dork.
Lisa: Dad, make him stop!
Homer: Well according to this he's telling the truth.

Homer: You know, I've had a lot of jobs... boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby-proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carnie, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country-western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe, and missionary, but protecting Springfield: that gives me the best feeling of all!

Loudspeaker in Kwik-E-Mart: SILENT ALARM ACTIVATED!

Wiggum (on PA): All right everyone, disperse immediately! We are prepared to use force. What? what? We're not prepared, Eddie?

Willie: Oh! Look at all these tube socks!

Homer: Marge, I can't say no to a helpless old lady. They put spells on you!

Lenny: Gee, Homer, I thought someone with two wives would be happy.
Carl: No, you're thinking of someone with two knives.
Moe (with two knives): I gotta say this is pretty great!

Ralph: Why does everyone always run away from me? (as he pees his pants)

Ralph: And when the doctor said I didn't have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life!

Ralph: I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant!

Skinner: Gaa! I've been taken down a peg. A whole peg!

Bart: I don't feel so good. Will you take me to the hospital?
Abe: Finally we're doing something I wanna do!

Moe (on the Holy Rollers): Aw, they think they're so high and mighty. It's 'cause they never got caught drivin' without pants.

Apu: I always thought karma was bologna, but not anymore. Homer: Mmm... carmel bologna...

Homer: See Marge, I told you they could deep-fry my shirt.
Marge: I didn't say they couldn't, I said you shouldn't!

Skinner: We can buy real periodic tables instead of these promotional ones from Oscar Meyer.
Krabappel: Who can tell me the atomic weight of bolognium?
Martin: Ooh ... delicious?
Krabappel: Correct. I would also accept snacktacular.
Lisa: Come to Homer's BBBQ, the extra 'B' is for BYOBB.
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: That's a typo.

Homer: I've been muscled out of every business I've ever tried. Even my Muscle-for-Hire business!

Ned: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-ildly as char-didily-arged!
Banner: He's not the baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in.

Rex Banner: You're out there somewhere, Beer Baron! And I'll find you.
Homer: [distant, barely audible] No you won't!
Banner: Yes, I will!
Homer: Won't!

Homer: We're going out, Marge! If we don't come back, avenge our deaths!
Marge: All right!

Marge: Why do you have so many bowling balls?
Homer: Oh, Marge, I'm not gonna lie to you... So long!

Homer: 'Fraid not infinity!
Ned: 'Fraid so infinity plus one!
Homer: D'oh!

Lenny: Sorry, Homer. While you were daydreaming we ate all the donuts.
Carl: Well, there were a few left, but we chucked them at an old man for kicks.
[Shot of Abe running with a donut stuck to his head]
Abe: Damn buzzards! I ain't dead yet.

Kent Brockman: Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood, with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. Police are baffled.
Wiggum: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy. As a precaution I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield Museum destroyed.

Wiggum (on PA): Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Aw, c'mon, continue! C'mon, aww.

Wiggum: Okay, folks, show's over. Nothing to see here, show's- Oh my God! A horrible plane crash! Hey everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! Come on, crowd around. Crowd around. Don't be shy. Crowd around.

Wiggum: Well I'd like to help you ma'am, but I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.
Marge: I'm pretty sure there is.
Wiggum: Hah. The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle...
Lou: Uh hey, she's right, Chief.
Wiggum: Well shut my mouth! It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling!
Wiggum (to officers gambling with squirrels): Boys, knock it off.

Tester: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No!
[buzz]
Alright maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him.
[ding]
Tester: It checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight.
[buzz]
A date.
[buzz]
Dinner with friends.
[buzz]
Dinner alone.
[buzz]
Watching TV alone.
[buzz]
Alright! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.
[buzz]
Sears catalog.
[ding]
Now would you unhook this already please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment.
[buzz]

Moe: Seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more.
Carl: You ain't thinking of getting rid of the dank, are you, Moe?
Moe: Ehh... maybe I am.
Carl: Oh, but Moe - the dank. The dank!

Lionel Hutz: I move for a bad court thingie.
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Hutz: Yeah!

Flanders: Har ye, Har ye! I declare myself pickled tink about Springfield's bi-cen-ciddly, ti-ten-toodly, rin-tin-tennial [gasp] day!
Homer: You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders!

Homer: WHAAA! HOMER MAD!
Bart: Thank God his pants stayed on.

Homer: I'm tired of watching this Tarzan movie.
Lisa: Dad, it's a documentary on homeless people.

Professor Frink: Here is an ordinary square.
Wiggum: Whoa! Whoa! Slow down, egghead!
Frink: But, suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe, along the hypothetical Z-axis, there. This forms a three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a Frinkahedron in honor of its discoverer. Oogle hey, mmm hey.

Homer: Honey, there comes a point in every father's life when he blows up his daughter's room.
Lisa: But you didn't blow up Maggie's room.
[an explosion from Maggie's room shakes the house]

Homer: Oh, it's gonna take a lot of fireworks to clean up this mess.

Marge: And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
Homer:Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes...yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes ... Now that's sarcasm.

Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.

Marge: Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday School today?
Lisa: The answers to deep theological questions.
Bart: Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
Homer: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that?
Bart: Our teacher.
Homer: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?

Lisa: Dad, as you know, we've been swimming, and we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of...
Bart & Lisa: Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad?
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Homer: Lisa, I can't imagine anyone could be more likeable than you. But apparently, this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every way.

Bart: That's a hitch-hiker, Homer.
Homer: Ooh, let's pick him up!
Marge: No! What if he's crazy?
Homer: And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots.

Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
Homer: I'll handle this...the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes...wait a minute...Statue of Liberty...that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Homer: Lisa, you missed a great race! First, Bart was winning, but then he said, 'This is stupid,' and he left, and I won!

Marge: Homer! What have you done to the car? I don't think it had broken axles before.
Homer: Before! Before! You're living in the past, Marge. Quit living in the past.

Bart: I thought I'd better tell you that I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: Well that's no reason to block the TV.

Homer: Marge, quick, how many kids do we have have? No time, I'll just estimate. Nine!

Lisa: Dad! I had a bad dream!
Homer: Oh Lisa. You just lay down and tell me all about it.
Lisa: I know this sounds absurd, but I was dreaming that the Boogeyman was chasing me and...
Homer: AAAHHHH! Boogeyman!
[Runs to Bart's room]
Homer: Bart,I don't want to alarm you, but we may have an ordeal involving a Boogeyman or Boogeymen in the house!
Bart: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

Lisa: Dad! You can't just leave us by ourselves, we need a baby-sitter!
Homer: Lisa, haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come, it'll be a hilarious situation.

Lenny: Well, we made it here first. All because of teamwork.
Carl: Yeah, my teamwork.

Park Ranger: We'll take the chair lift. It'll give us an eagle-eye view of the area directly beneath the chair lift.

Mr. Burns: Cheating is the gift man gives to himself.
Smokey the Bear display: Only who can prevent forest fires?
[Bart presses button marked "you"]
Smokey the Bear display: You pressed you, referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you.

Homer: I hope you've learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anybody.

Homer: Look at those morons... I paid my taxes over a year ago!

Homer: Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!

Homer: Caution, objects may appear more edible than they actually are.

Homer: Don't worry, being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep - in a giant blender.

Homer: Very old animal crackers!
Marge: Homer, no! Those were made in the sixties.
Homer: Mmmm... turbulent.

Homer (poking bag boy with some bread): Hurry up! I can't stand here jabbing you all day!

Woman: Homer, I thought you were an animal, but your daughter told me that you were a decent man. I guess she was right.
Homer: You're both right.

Burns: Those last three avalanches were your fault, Simpson.
Homer: So what?
Burns: So buttons.

Lenny: Hey, did you hear something?
Carl: No.
Lenny: Did I?
Carl: I don't know!

Mr. Burns: This doorknob, properly turned, will allow us access to the cabin.
Homer: No going through the window for us!

Marge: I didn't feel right in Olde Springfield. They kept looking at me... with their eyes.

Homer Impersonator: B'oh!

Homer: This one takes place in an imaginary kingdom called France.

Flanders: Now throughout history, when people get wood, they'll think of Trojans.

Homer: Mmm... Homer's Odyssey. Is this the one about the mini-van I rented?

Troy McClure: As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest!

Bart: Gee, dad. You must really love us to sink this low.

Homer: Some wiseguy put a cork in this bottle.

Homer: Bart, you say butt kisser like it's a bad thing!

Krusty: Hey kids, who do you love?
Kids: Krusty!
Krusty: How much do you love me?
Kids: With all our hearts!
Krusty: What would you do if I went off the air?
Kids: We'd kill ourselves!

Marge: Lisa needs to go to the museum tomorrow, and I think you should take her.
Homer: Museum? Tomorrow? Oh, oh, Marge, I'd love to, but I was planning on...
Homer's Brain: Sleeping? Eating a big sandwich? Watching TV? Spending time with the boy!
Homer: ...spending time with the boy! The boy needs attention, Marge.
Marge: Homer, I've been talking to Lisa, and I'm concerned about your relationship with her.
Bart: Me too, mom. I think you're drifting apart.
Homer: Shut up, boy! (To Marge:) Marge, you don't understand. I can't do it because...
Homer's Brain: You're trapped. If you were smarter, you might think of something. But you're not, so you might as well...
Homer: All right, all right, I'll take her. (Quietly to self:) Lousy brain.

Homer: Oh, why did I have to start my diet on pork chop night?

Marge: Oh, Homer, there seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here.
Bart: Oh, school, right, yeah, that's your solution to everything.

Marge: It's Grampa!
Homer: Munster?
Marge: No, Simpson!
Homer: Oh, darn! darn! darn!

Marge: Maybe you should give him another chance.
Homer: No! He's gotta learn the hard way, just like my father taught me.
Marge: He is your father.
Homer: Cosmic!

Chief Wiggum: You know, it's kind of ironic. These old people are being kept alive by the organs of the people they run over.

Homer: You sunk my Scrabble ship!

Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat products.
Bart: You dunkin your sausages in that syrup, Home boy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself. You're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Ah, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room!

Homer: For once, somebody may call me "Sir" without adding, "...you're making a scene."

Homer: Oh, Lord! Why do you mock me?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's a waffle Bart stuck to the ceiling.
[Marge pries the waffle off the ceiling.]
Homer: Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but... (munch munch munch) Mmmm... sacrilicious.

Homer: I don't feel going to work today.
Marge: But you have to, it's a Friday.
Homer: But I don't want to.
[phone rings]
Homer: Hello?
Mr. Burns: If you don't come in today, then don't bother coming in on Monday.
Homer: Woohoo! Four-day weekend!

Homer: I discovered a new meal between breakfast and brunch!

Homer: Marge...I have to be alone with the sandwich.

Homer: AH-HA! Oh, twenty dollars... but I wanted a peanut.
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Whoo-hoo!

Marge: Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner.
Homer: Steak?
Marge: Money's too tight for steak.
Homer: Steak?
Marge: Uh, sure. Steak.

Homer: It's time to hit him where he lives!
Bart: His house?
Homer: Bingo!

Homer: Marge, would you love me more if I were President? 'Cause I'll do it if it'll make you happy.

Carl: Hey, you're the king, Homer!
Wiggum: King of the neighborhood!

Homer: Marge, I'm bored.
Marge: Why don't you read something?
Homer: Because I'm trying to reduce my boredom.

Nelson (singing): Gonna dig me a hole... gonna put a nerd in it.

Homer (on phone to work): You heard me. I won't be in for the rest of the week ... I told you, my baby beat me up ... No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.

Homer: And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear. And they don't like it.

Homer: Dasher, Dancer ... Prancer ... Nixon, Comet, Cupid ... Donna Dixon.

Coyote: Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide.
Homer: Hiya.
Coyote: There is a lesson you must learn.
Homer: If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of ya.

Homer: Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2% and it's all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.

Homer: Marge, it's 3 a.m. and I worked all day!
Marge: It's 9:30 p.m. and you spent your whole Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool.

Homer: Look, Marge, I'm sorry I haven't been a better husband, I'm sorry about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub, I'm sorry I used your wedding dress to wax the car, and I'm sorry -- oh well, let's just say I'm sorry for the whole marriage up to this point.

Homer: We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge: We have three kids, Homer.

Homer: That's weird. It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.

Homer: He gets it from your side of the family, you know. No monsters on my side.

Homer: Who spread garbage all over Flanders's yard before I got a chance to?

Homer: It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise, the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.

Woman: I'm not going to press charges, but I assume you'll want to punish him.
Homer: 'Preciate the suggestion, lady, but he hates that. Homer: Come on, honey. You work yourself stupid for this family. If anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it's you.

Homer: Oh. Well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.

Homer: I've heard 'em all... I like you as a friend. I think we should see
other people. I no speak English. I'm married to the sea. I don't want to kill you, but I will...

Homer: I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.

Homer (on Itchy and Scratchy): You know, some of these stories are pretty good. I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.

Homer: I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up.

Man: You must be stupider than you look.
Homer: Stupider like a fox!

Homer: Aw, Marge, kids, I miss my club.
Marge: Oh, Homey. You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club.
Homer: The Black Panthers?

Homer: It's okay, Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why He lives on a plantation in Hawaii.

Homer: I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles!

Marge: We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.
Homer: Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have.

Marge: Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.

Homer: I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats.

Homer: You like parties, huh? Well, I just remembered they're having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend.
Marge: You didn't remember that. You just saw it on TV.

Homer: Is this episode going on the air live?
June Bellamy: No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live -- it's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.

Homer: Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa, and make a fresh start with Maggie.
Burns: Well, Simpson, I must say, once you're been through something like that with a person, you never want to see that person again.
Homer: You said it, you weirdo.

Homer: I'm tired of being a wanna-be league bowler, I wanna be a league bowler!

Homer: Hey, if you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!

Smithers: There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do?
Homer: There's a problem with the reactor?! We're all going to die!

Looking at bowling balls
Homer: Ooh, look at this one! The Hammer of Thor! (Reading) "It will send your pins to ... Valhalla?" Lisa?
Lisa: Valhalla is where vikings go when they die.
Homer: Ooh, that's some ball.

Homer: One day you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations. You may outsmart someone.

Homer: Oh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is `How to Increase Your Word Power.' That thing is really, really, really ... good.

Woman: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle, and - Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

Burns: Oh, quit cogitating, Steinmetz, and use an open-faced club! A sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmm... open-faced club sandwich.

Homer: Oh my God! Someone's trying to kill me! Oh wait, it's for Bart.

Homer: Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man from Happyland in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaane! Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.

Homer: Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kids with fake IDs.

Homer: A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

Homer: Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's Club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Ya happy?

Homer: Quiet, you kids! If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

Homer: Two-hundred-thirty-nine pounds?! I'm a blimp! Why are all the good things so tasty?

Homer: I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.

Homer: You can't depend on me all your lives. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us.

Homer: I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.
Pump Attendant: It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump.
Homer: Whew, I was afraid it was my transmission.

Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Abe Simpson: I used to be with it.' But then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm "with" isn't "it" and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you.

Homer: If it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Homer: There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service... But those were all dead ends. I think this chair is the answer.

Homer: We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?

Homer: Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies away.
Bart and Lisa: Noooooo!
Homer: Mainly your mother.

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

Homer: I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress 'em up, and make 'em reenact the Civil War! Heh, heh, heh!

Homer: Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world.

Herb: I want you to help me design a car. A car for all the Homer Simpsons out there! And I want to pay you two hundred thousand dollars a year!
Homer: And I want to let you!

Homer: I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt.
Bart: We've seen it, Dad.

Homer: I'm a bad father!
Selma: You're also fat!
Homer: I'm also fat!

Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.

Homer: I don't care if Ned Flanders is the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk -- end of story.

Marge: Homer, you're his father. You've got to reason with him.
Homer: Oh, that never works. He's a goner!

Homer: See these? American donuts. Glazed, powdered, and raspberry-filled. Now how's that for freedom of choice?

Car Tracking system: Car gone. Car gone.
Wiggum: We know that. Where has it gone?
Car Tracking system: Car gone! Car gone!

Homer: Don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love.

Homer: Yeah. Wait a minute. It's the guy from TV. My kid's hero... Cruddy... Crummy... Krusty the Clown!

Lisa Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.
Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

Homer As far as anyone knows we're a nice, normal family.

Fortune cookie fortune writer: I said let a frown be your umbrella. They changed it to smile. A frown is a much better umbrella than a smile!

Lisa: How is the feast of twelve delights with triple happiness sauce?
Waiter: Very disappointing.

Homer: Remember what I told you about running away from your troubles?
Bart: Yeah.
Homer: Let's do it.

Abe: You know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember, and a song that may never have existed, and a place that I'm sure I've never been to.
Mrs. Bouvier: That's so sweet..
. Abe: Ooh, I feel all funny. (gasps) I'm in love! No, wait. It's a stroke.

Marge: You know, when I was a girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience.
Marge: Homer, that's your solution to everything: to move under the sea. It's not going to happen!

Wiggum: If there's a body in here, we'll drag it up. [throws hook into pond] Aww heck, it's just an old shopping cart.
Homer: Oh, and it's empty. Put it back; I don't wanna see it this way!

Moe: Ahh... look at all them stars. Buncha lazy lights. Don't do nothin' for nobody.

Mesmerino: When I snap my fingers, you will transform into... a famous historian!
Homer: Look at me! I'm a famous historian! Outta my way!
[audience applauds]
Mesmerino: Thank you. Now you are... Emily Dickenson.
Homer: Look at me! I'm Angie Dickenson! Outta my way!

Officer Lou: Wow! That sure made us look bad.
Chief Wiggum: Slink away, boys. Slink away...

Homer: Your cooking gets my lowest rating ever: seven thumbs up. It only has two moves: shake and bake.
Marge: You like Shake 'n' Bake! You used to put it in your coffee.

Homer: I need some fuel for me mule, some gas for me ass.

Mall manager: Do you like children?
Homer: What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts?

Skinner: The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene from Charles uh.. Dickens' Christmas Carol.
Homer: Ohhhh.... How many grades does this school have!

Bart: Ralph? I thought you were dead.
Ralph: Nope!

Homer: The pie shall be cut in half. And each man shall receive... death. I'll eat the pie.

Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Marge: You don't think there's something wrong with what we're doing, do you?
Homer: I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong.
v Homer: Now listen very carefully. I want you to pull on the thing that's next to the other thing.
Marge: You mean this thing?
Homer: Aaah! No, that is not the thing.

Chief Wiggum: I tell ya, they only come out at night... Or in this case, during the day.

Pirate: Captain, I know we usually bury the treasure, but this time why don't we use it to buy things? You know, things we like.

Homer: When you think about it, mud is nothing but wet dirt.
Bart: Who's Gabbo?
Homer: Probably some guy. Some guy named Gabbo.

Chief Wiggum: Alright, time to throw in the Butterfingers. (Officer throws Butterfingers into fire. They start glowing and jump out of the fire.)
Officer: Hmm. It's not even singed.
Chief Wiggum: Even the fire doesn't want them.

Homer: Whatever. I'll be at Moe's.

Marge: I'm filing a class action lawsuit against big sugar. Would you like to give a deposition?
Chief Wiggum: Sure, I'll join your lawsuit. Sugar's made my Ralphie hyperactive.
Ralph: I'm happy and angry.

Chief Wiggum: Oh my God! Someone's taken a bite out of the giant rice krispy square! Oh yeah, and the waiter's been brutally beaten.

Bart: Why don't you try to set a record, Dad?
Homer: That's a great idea! Do you think I could run a mile in three and a half minutes?
Lisa: Only on Mars.
Homer: The Simpsons are goin' ta Mars! So pack your bags and.. or maybe I'll think of something else.

Homer: I'm here to break a world record. What's the longest anyone's ever done this? (Makes Crazy Homer noises)
Duff World Record woman: Three years.
Homer: Fine. I'll just play the banjo with this cobra.
(plays banjo with a cobra)
Duff World Record man: Uh.. technically the cobra would get the record. He's the one playing.
Homer: But it's my banjo!

Homer: All of those other horses will be shakin' in their horse dealies.

Homer: That horse better win, or we're taking a trip to the glue factory... and he won't get to come.

Chief Wiggum: I'd rather let 1,000 guilty men go than chase after them.

Homer: You know me, Marge, I love animals: beef, chicken, veal.

Bart: This smells like a museum.
Homer: Yeah. Good things don't end with 'eum.' They end with 'mania', or 'teria.'

Burns: Running for mayor costs more than any honest person could afford.
Homer: I bet you could afford it.

Chief Wiggum: Alright men, set your nightsticks on whomp!
Officer Lou: Uhh... mine's stuck on twirl.

Marge: I know you feel bad about the juice incident but I'm sure you can make up for it somehow.
Homer: That's it! Somehow!

Bart: Mom's gonna kill you!
Homer: If she didn't want her car ruined, she should have done a better job hiding her keys.

Homer: Why doesn't she just stay at your house?
Ned: At my house? What would the neighbors think?
Lisa: We're the neighbors, and we don't think!

Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

TV Announcer: And in 1984, Portugal's Carlos Lopez becomes the oldest Olympic marathon winner ever, at age 38.
Homer: Thirty-eight?! That's roughly my age! Marge, after a lot of thought, I've decided to run the Springfield Marathon.
Marge: Oh, please! You get exhausted watching the Twilight Zone marathon!

Bart: Who are you?
L.T. Smash: Ah, you'll find out in due time.
Bart: Well it says here your name is L.T. Smash.
Smash: The time has come. I'm L.T. Smash.

Skinner: And now, are you adequately prepared to rock?
Kids: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Skinner: Silence!

Homer: I throw myself on the mercy of the Food Court!

Mr. Teeny (the monkey): Eh-eh-eh-ooh Oooh! Oooh!
[subtitle: This plot made no sense! Tell the people!]

Dr. Nick: Inflammable means flammable? What a country!

Homer (drunk): Did you ever see that Blue Man Group? Total rip-off of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs... they suck.

McBain: My Ferrari! I had to do awful things to pay for her!

Chief Wiggum (answering 911 call): Nine-one-one, this better be good.
Marge: I cut off my husband's thumb!
Wiggum: Attempted murder? You'll burn for this. Burn in JAIL!
Marge: It was an accident!
Wiggum: Yeah, yeah, save it for Dateline Tuesday. Uhh, what's your address so I can come arrest ya?
Marge: Arrest me? Um... My address... It's um... 123 Fake Street.
Wiggum: 123 Fake Street. Got it.

Milhouse: The Statue of Liberty?! Where are we?

Apu: Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie!

Marge: Anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.

Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.

Chief Wiggum: Becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.

Homer: You don't win friends with salad.

Homer (on phone): Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson. I won't be coming in tomorrow. Religious holiday. Uh... Feast of... Maximum Occupancy.

Homer: I've got some chloroform.
Apu: You idiot! Those are colorforms!

Apu: Well, if the police won't help us, we'll simply have to take the law into our own hands.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, yeah. A lot of people are doing that these days.

Apu: As a token of forgiveness, please take this baby.
Apu: Thank you. Steal again.

Homer: I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, please, Superman, help me!

Homer: Marge, the reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think!

Homer: The three little sentences that will get you through life:
1. Cover for me.
2. Oh, good idea, boss!
3. It was like that when I got here.

Homer (On George Bush): I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical.

Homer: We monorail conductors are a crazy breed!
Homer: Don't mess with the dead, boy. They have eerie powers.

Homer: Does whiskey count as beer?

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart and Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?

Lisa: Dad, how could you? We were connecting in such a meaningful way!
Homer: We were what-what? in a what-what?

Marge: I read in the Daily Fourth Gradian that you need someone to paint a mural.
Skinner: Yes, school spirit is down three-point-four percent.

Lenny: So, Homer, you think you can fix my sciatica?
Homer: I don't know what that is, so I'm gonna say yes.... One, two, better not sue!

Jack Crowley: I'm sure your macaroons are scrumptious, Marge, but I've seen this man turn down brownies. Honest to goodness brownies!

Chiropractor: Now, Homer, we don't actually crack backs, it's merely an adjustment. Now you're going to hear a loud cracking sound...

Marge: How did someone so sensitive end up here?
Jack Crowley: Well, if you really got to know, I shot a guy named Apu.
Marge: Oh... Well, you know, lots of people shoot Apu. It's just a $100 fine now.

Abe Simpson: Doctor, how long do I have to live?
Dr. Hibbert: Hee hee hee, I'm surprised you're alive now!