Family Guy - Quotes
Main Cast
Peter Griffin: bumbling patriach
Lois Griffin: his wife
Chris Griffin: eldest doltish son
Meg Griffin: plain-jane daughter
Stewie Griffin: the baby, precocious, British-accented
Brian Griffin: family dog who speaks and acts human
Stewie: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.
Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie: I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."
[Stewie is about to be given an injection against his will, so he grabs
something from the equipment trolley and threatens the nurse]
Stewie Griffin: Come any closer and I'll cut her!
[realizes he's holding a tongue depresser]
Stewie Griffin: I'll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected.
Janet: Hi. Cookie?
Stewie: Well, it's Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." "Snake Griffin."
Stewie: You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.
Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois Griffin: And what did you do?
Peter Griffin: Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb.
Peter Griffin: You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you.
[riding a circus elephant]
Peter Griffin: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change.
Lois Griffin: Peter. You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?
[Peter is watching a movie]
Brian Griffin: [walks into the room] What are you watching, Peter?
Peter Griffin: "Passion of the Christ." I tell you Brian - I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me I would have done something...
[cut to Peter as Jesus being whipped by a Roman Guard]
Peter Griffin: Aahh! Ahhh! Aaaaahh! Aaahhh!
[stops screaming]
Peter Griffin: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: Okay?
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: All right.
Stewie Griffin: What the hell is this?
Lois Griffin: It's your favourite honey, tuna salad.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, really, is that what it is? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.
Cleveland: Hey, baby. How would you like to go black, and then make a difficult decision regarding whether or not to go back?
Brian Griffin: I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment...
[vomits]
Brian Griffin: and a stomach virus...
[falls off bar stool]
Brian Griffin: and an inner ear infection.
Little Girl: Ewww! Your breath smells like kitty litter!
Stewie Griffin: I was curious!
Stewie Griffin: Okay, I got it, I got it. If you cooked anymore slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you need an egg calendar.
[laughs]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, that's right, I went there.
[cut to Happy Go-Lucky Toys, Inc]
Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, wait, here's another one. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to them.
Peter Griffin: [Brian shows him the Star Wars glass] Hey, hey, what are you doing with my Star Wars glass?
Brian Griffin: Illustrating a point. Peter, when Han Solo took the Millennium Falcon to the Cloud City, he found that Lando Calrissian had turned control of the station over to Darth Vader. Lando had forgotten who he was. It was only after Han was encased in carbonite, and taken by Boba Fett to Jabba's palace, that he was able to see the error of his ways. Look inside yourself, you're not a Newport millionaire. I created you. In a way, I am your father.
Peter Griffin: [tears break out] That's not true! That's impossible! Damn it, Peter, snap out of it. No!
[glass starts to crack]
[Stewie builds a dish]
Stewie Griffin: [evil laughter] I've done it!
[lightning strikes him]
Stewie Griffin: Whoa! Oh, goddamn it!
Peter Griffin: Our children our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst sandwich I ever ate! She flosses in bed. She snores like a wildebeest. She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's enough.
Peter Griffin: Eats babies.
[crowd applauds]
[watching the sunset]
Lois Griffin: Oh, Peter, I love you.
Peter Griffin: [looks at watch] Uhh, about a quarter past five.
Peter Griffin: [during a camping trip in a beautiful forest] You know, sometimes I feel like the whole world was made just for me...
[cut to the moon control room from "The Truman Show"]
Control Room Director: You think he's on to us, Christof?
Christof: No, he's an idiot.
Darren (On Bewitched): The power of Christ compels you, bitch!
Olivia: You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
Stewie Griffin: Aha ha ha. Oh, gosh that's funny. That's really funny. Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Mmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And yet, you have taken that and used it out of context, to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. Mmm, that's so fresh too. Any titanic jokes you want to throw at me while we're hitting these at the height of their popularity? Hmm? Cause... I'm here. God you're SO funny.
Peter Griffin: Oh, okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let 'im kill?
Brian Griffin: That's, that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible.
Peter Griffin: Wrong! It's the ugly one.
Quagmire: Peter, I can remember a dozen times when you've saved our lives.
[Peter walks through a door holding a sword, like in Pulp Fiction, to
his friends tied up and gagged]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, too bad I got there after the sodomy.
Stewie Griffin: [to Peter] When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless.
[leaves]
Stewie Griffin: [Peter is upset, Stewie is trying to cheer him up] Hey...
[pats Peter's knee]
Stewie Griffin: Hey, big guy... how you doin? Holdin up all right? Want a soda? Oh, screw it. I tried!
Lois Griffin: Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter Griffin: Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.
[makes a loud, yelping sound that resembles a dog bark]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
LaDonne: Hi, gorgeous man!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you... Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver?
LaDonne: Stewie, this is Jeremy!
Jeremy: Hey, little man!
[pats him on the head]
Jeremy: So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend! Stewie Griffin: Wha- you- Girlfriend? Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?
LaDonne: Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed.
[picks him up]
Stewie Griffin: [takes Jeremy's hat as he's carried away] Ha! I've got your hat! Take that, Hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hacky-sack tournee! I'm not going to lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitch, crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky-buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded "Simpsons" episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow." Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you?
[shouts]
Stewie Griffin: So does everyone else! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder!
Chris Griffin: See, my dad's smarter than yours.
Meg Griffin: We have the same dad, lardo.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but mine's smarter.
John Edward: [Peter is in the audience of "Crossing Over with John Edward"] I'm sensing an 'A'. Does your name begin with an 'A'?
Peter Griffin: No.
John Edward: A 'B'?
Peter Griffin: No.
John Edward: C? D? E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P...
Peter Griffin: P! Peter! My name's Peter!
John Edward: Is your name Peter?
Peter Griffin: Wow! You are some kind of sorcerer.
Lois Griffin: [talking to Chris] We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.
Peter Griffin: She's right, son. Listen to what it says.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Even Walt Disney?
[Walt Disney draws Minnie]
Minnie: Do I, do-do I have to?
[crying]
Walt Disney: You wanna be a star, don't you? Then take it off!
[Minnie tooks her dress off while sobbing]
Walt Disney: Yeah, that's nice.
Peter Griffin: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass.
Stewie Griffin: Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening.
Lois Griffin: Hello?
Peter Griffin: Lois? I can't take out the garbage because they're keeping me late at the office.
Lois Griffin: Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact... I can see you.
Peter Griffin: Can you see me now?
Lois Griffin: No.
Peter Griffin: Okay, now I'm at the office.
Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.
Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO".
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.
Baliff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Peter Griffin: I do... ya bastard.
Adam West: I love this job more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy.
Tom Tucker: Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined ammount of time. Of course no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people.
[they laugh]
Cameraman: You guys, we're still on in Boston.
[Tom and Diane stare in horror]
Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England.
Peter Griffin: Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
Cult Leader: Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?
Peter Griffin: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.
Announcer: Life on Sesame Street. This show contains adult content, and is brought to you by the letter H.
Bert: [answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
[gets out of bed and gets dressed]
Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed.
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.
Peter Griffin: [after "Family Guy" returns to Fox with new episodes, after a few years off the air] Everybody, I got bad news. We've been canceled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?
Peter Griffin: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows, like "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe", "Skin", "Girls Club", "Cracking Up", "The Pitts", "Firefly", "Get Real", "Freaky Links", "Wanda at Large", "Costello", "The Lone Gunmen", "A Minute with Stan Hooper", "Normal, Ohio", "Pasadena", "Harsh Realm", "Keen Eddie", "The Street", "American Embassy", "Cedric the Entertainer", "The Tick", "Louie", and "Greg the Bunny".
Lois Griffin: Is there no hope?
Peter Griffin: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.
Brian Griffin: [drunk and encouraging Peter's drinking] Go! Go! Go!
Lois Griffin: [entering the room] Peter, it's 6 o'clock in the morning!
Brian Griffin: Thanks for the update, Big Ben.
[Peter and Brian laugh]
Lois Griffin: You're drunk again!
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, let me guess. Another box with a crank that I turn and turn and turn until... whoo... a clown pops out. Then you laugh, the kids laugh, the dog laughs, and I die a little more inside.
Peter Griffin: [after the British guy explains the rules of Cricket to Peter] Does anyone know what this guy's talking about?
Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that fag means cigarette.
Peter Griffin: Then would someone tell this cigarette to shut up!
Death's Mother: Put on a jacket or you'll get frostbite.
Death: I don't have any skin.
Death's Mother: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!
Peter Griffin: My dad's worked at that mill for 60 years. That's almost 80 years!
Tom Tucker: In local news, a Buddy Cianci High School student was caught with a lot of cocaine in his locker. He was sentenced to 100 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy. And now we go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast, Ollie.
[cuts to Ollie]
Ollie Williams: He gonna get it!
Stewie Griffin: The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten!
Stewie Griffin: If I choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that, hmm?
Brian Griffin: I'm not going to change you.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: I said, I'm not going to change you.
Stewie Griffin: You can't be serious. Well, what if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won't. I just won't, that's all. I just won't. Blast! I just did!
God: Let me light that for you, honey.[he points, lights lady's cigarette with lightning bolt]
Lady: Wow!
God: Yeah, you like that? Magic Fingers...
[points again, lightning strikes lady, sets bar on fire]
God: Jesus Christ!
Jesus: What?
God: Get the Escalade! We're Outta Here!
Mr. Rogers: Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again.
[bell rings]
Mr. Rogers: Oh! I think I hear a friend traveling.
Stewie Griffin: Actually it's your mortal enemy Stewie.
Mr. Rogers: W-what the?
Stewie Griffin: I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today Mr. Rogers, I dare say you find it quite in ruins.
Mr. Rogers: What?
[Mr. Rogers looks out and all are dead and the cat is on fire]
Cat: [meowing] Skin graft!
[meowing]
Mr. Rogers: Oh, my God!
Stewie Griffin: That's right! All dead. And now Mr. Rogers? Fred - may as well drop blood formalities - I'm going to kill you anyway!
Mr. Rogers: No, please... don't!
Stewie Griffin: How ironic ? Rogers - it almost rhymes with... eliminate.
Mr. Rogers: No!
[Stewie shoots him many times with his gun]
Stewie Griffin: [wakes up] Eh, what, what? What the devil?
Lois Griffin: It's okay. Stewie we're just tucking you to sleep.
Mr. Rogers: But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death.
Stewie Griffin: [wakes up from nightmare] Ahh!
[Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor]
Peter Griffin: Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?
Peter Griffin: Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.
Peter Griffin: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
[Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus]
German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian Griffin: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland.
Brian Griffin: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian Griffin: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
Tour guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. (You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany.)
[throws his hand up in a Hitler salute]
Brian Griffin: ...uh, is that a beer hall?
Tour guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'm looking for some toilet training books.
Salesman: Oh, yes, we can help you there. "Everyone poops" is still the standard, of course. We've also got less popular "Nobody Poops But You".
Peter Griffin: Huh... well... you see... we're Catholic so... uh...
Salesman: Oh, well then you want "You're a Naughty Child and that's Concentrated Evil Coming Out of the Back of You".
Guy on Street #2: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
Guy on Street #1: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here?
Guy On Street #2: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Guy on Street #1: That's what we call a "variable".
Lois Griffin: What's going on?
Stewie Griffin: We're playing house.
Lois Griffin: The boy is all tied up.
Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.
[the Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on]
Stewie Griffin: You. Cut my eggs.
[waiter cuts his eggs]
Waiter: Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie Griffin: Now cut my milk.
Waiter: Uh, I can't sir, it's liquid.
Stewie Griffin: [slaps him] IDIOT. Freeze it, then CUT it. And if you ever question me again, I shall put you on diaper detail. And believe me, I will not make it easy on you.
[at a job interview]
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter Griffin: [thinking to himself "Don't say doing your wife. Don't say doing your wife."] Doing your, uh, son...
Brian Griffin: I'm really enjoying playing golf.
Peter Griffin: You know my great-great-grandfather Angus Griffin invented the game.
[flashback]
Angus Griffin: So, we're all clear on the rules then. No Jews and no blacks.
Scottish men: Aye.
Peter Griffin: Dad, now that you're retired, you're staying with us. No arguments, I'm putting my foot down.
Francis Griffin: I don't want to be a bother.
Peter Griffin: It's no bother, is it Lois?
Lois Griffin: Of course not, we'd love to have you stay.
Francis Griffin: You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.
Peter Griffin: You hear that Lois? You love kids.
Peter Griffin: Say, what happened to the car wash thief?
Joe Swanson: Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.
Peter Griffin: Looks like you got more competition at next year's special people's games, huh?
Joe Swanson: Nope, he's dead.
Jim: What did you just call me?
Huck Griffin: I thought that was your name.
Jim: That is our word. You have no right to use it.
Huck Griffin: Hey hey hey, I'm cool, I'm cool, no problem!
[pause]
Huck Griffin: So, could you pass me the oar, 'n-word Jim'?
Jim: Thank you.
Brian Griffin: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter Griffin: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
Peter Griffin: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian Griffin: The Bradys?
Peter Griffin: Oh, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers ah, you name it.
[Aunt Jemimah pops up in the window with a plate of pancakes]
Aunt Jemimah: You folks want some pancakes?
Peter Griffin: No thank you. See, that's the worse we got is, uh Jemimah's Witnesses.
Peter Griffin: [clearing his throat] Excuse me but I'm pretty sure the north won the war.
[dead silence]
Army Captain: [while trying to take over Peteoria] As you may
presently yourself be fully made aware of, my grammar sucks.
Peter Griffin: We're going to grandpa Griffin's retirement party.
Meg Griffin: But we haven't seen grandpa in a long time.
Lois Griffin: Well, Meg your grandfather isn't comfortable with me since I'm not a catholic.
[Flashback to Peter and Lois's wedding where a sign on their car reads "Just Married" and spray painted underneat the sign reads "To a prodastant whore]
Peter Griffin: Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.
Chris Griffin: Where do you think you go when you die?
Southern boy: I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come.
Chris Griffin: UPN?
[Peter is receiving communion]
Peter Griffin: Wow, is that really the blood of Christ?
Preacher: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Wow, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?
[Peter is trying to potty-train Stewie]
Peter Griffin: You know, I oughta just give you some beer. Goes straight through you.
Stewie Griffin: [sarcastic] Wonderful. And while we're at it, we can light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter Griffin: Eh... yeah?
[Charles Lindbugh has just accidentally flushed his baby down the
toilet while potty training]
Charles Lindburgh: OK, don't panic. He was kidnapped. You go phone the police, I'll write the note.
Mrs. Lindburgh: [pointing at Amelia Earhart] But what about Amelia? She saw everything.
Charles Lindburgh: You leave her to me...
[Peter has to come up with a fake name on the spot, so he looks around the room to get inspiration]
Peter Griffin: Uh... my name is...
[he sees a pea]
Peter Griffin: Pea...
[he sees a woman crying]
Peter Griffin: ... tear...
[he sees a Griffin fly by]
Peter Griffin: ... Griffin. Peter Griffin.
Peter Griffin: Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift. And I am going to everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed, then I'm going to use him to live out all my frustrated hopes and dreams. Because that's good parenting, right Bing Crosby?
Bing Crosby: That's right Peter, and if your kids give you any lip you can beat them with a sack of sweet Velency Oranges. They won't leave a bruise and it'll let 'em know who's boss, there's nooo doubt about it.
Peter Griffin: That... That doesn't sound right.
Bing Crosby: Are you givin' me lip boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack down on you, is that what you want?
[takes his belt off and whips Peter a few times]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It's loismustdie, all one word, at yahoo dot com.
[Stewie has run away and Brian discovers this note]
Stewie Griffin: Dear Stupid Dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S.- I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the 30-day return limit, but I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. It's actually not a horrible sweater, it's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it, you know? Oh and I also left a button on the bureau, um I'm not sure what it goes to but um I, I can never bring myself to throw a button away, I know as soon as I do, I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll, wait a minute actually could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again good-bye forever. PPS- You know what, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.
[Peter makes a joke during a Christmas play]
Spectator #1: Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something!
Spectator #2: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Spectator #1: Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.
Chris Griffin: Dad, there's a guy outside who says I can't go to school.
Peter Griffin: Yeah? Him and what army?
Chris Griffin: The U.S. Army.
Peter Griffin: ...that's a good army.
Bad Cockroach: Man, I'm going to cut you up so bad, that you... you gonna wish I didn't cut you up so bad.
Brian Griffin: She's a whiney little runt isn't she?
[Lois gasps]
Brian Griffin: I said runt.
Glen Quagmire: Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love too... but they got to pay.
[looking at whales]
Chris Griffin: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
Stewie Griffin: Forecast for tomorrow; A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom.
Stewie Griffin: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
Stewie Griffin: Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
Lois Griffin: [oblivious] Oh, you want your toy back. Here yo go.
[Gives Stewie his Ray-Gun toy]
Stewie Griffin: Yes... well... VICTORY IS MINE!
[he runs off - the sound of the grenades exploding is heard]
Stewie Griffin: BLAST!
Peter Griffin: If I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.
Gene Simmons: Someone kidnapped Santa? That does not rock.
William Shatner: Now men, we are about to go on a very dangerous mission. It is highly likely that one of you will die. The crew that will go with me are Spock, McCoy and Ensign Ricky.
Ensign Ricky: Aw crap.
Brian Griffin: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter Griffin: Eh, I drift in and out.
Lois Griffin: Stewie, why don't you go play in the other room?
Stewie Griffin: Why don't you just go to hell?
Lois Griffin: Well, no dessert for you, young man.
[the family is planning a vacation]
Peter Griffin: We could always go to purgatory like we did last year.
[flashback]
Lois Griffin: This isn't bad. It's not good, but it's not bad.
Brian Griffin: So so.
Peter Griffin: More or less.
Peter Griffin: I haven't cleaned since Bounty dropped me as their spokesman.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: So Rosie, I just spilled this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds?
Spokesperson: What the hell is that?
Peter Griffin: Five seconds...
Spokesperson: Is that?
Peter Griffin: Four seconds...
Spokesperson: It smells like...
Peter Griffin: Three seconds...
Spokesperon: That's...
Peter Griffin: CLEAN MY PEE.
Stewie Griffin: This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans.
[flashback]
Auctioneer: Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I have any bids?
Stewie Griffin: OOH. OOH. ME. ME.
Auctioneer: I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?
Stewie Griffin: BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH.
Diane Simmons: Our top story tonight, I have been cast as the lead in the Quahog Players' production of The King And I.
Tom Tucker: In other news, I wont be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy.
Diane Simmons: Tom, you're such a closet case.
Tom Tucker: We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?
Kevin: Dad, the fish got away.
Joe Swanson: The hell it did. You get in there and you kick that fish's ass.
[Meg is trying to get the boy next door to notice her]
Lois Griffin: Meg, you're a sweet, beautiful girl, he'll come around.
Meg Griffin: That's such a mom answer.
Lois Griffin: Well, have you tried showing off the goods? How's that for a mom answer?
Meg Griffin: Creepy.
Peter Griffin: People make up lies all the time. You know Vietnam? Never happened.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, but don't mention it around the Veteran's Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.
Glen Quagmire: Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together.
Peter Griffin: Yes, we all enjoy the Bible in this house!
Francis Griffin: Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible?
Peter Griffin: Ah... um... ah... the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital?
Chris Griffin: I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz.
Meg Griffin: Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter Griffin: Meg... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?
Lois Griffin: Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week?
Meg Griffin: It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager?
Lois Griffin: Peter, she's sixteen.
Peter Griffin: You KNEW about this?
[the cable television transmitter was knocked out]
Tom Tucker: Diane, that last report was so good, you deserve a spanking.
Diane Simmons: Oh, Tom... I don't think your wife would like that.
Tom Tucker: My wife is a bitter old hag, she's in Quahog and cant hear a word we're saying.
Director: Uh, guys, we're back on in Quahog.
[Lois' aunt pays a visit]
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's only for a week.
Peter Griffin: A week? No no no no no please god kill me now no no damn damn crap damn it to hell son of a bitch ass ass bastard.
Lois Griffin: PETER.
Peter Griffin: Lois, sometimes it's OK to swear.
[watching a baseball game]
Stewie Griffin: Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me.
Chris Griffin: Cheesy Charlie's is great. They have a game where you put in a dollar and you get four quarters. I win every time.
Peter Griffin: Ha ha ha ha! You just said "nuclear". It's "nukular", dummy, the "s" is silent!
Luke Skywalker: Okay I'll just make a quick incision here and we'll be all done, Mrs. Wilson.
Ben Kenobi: Luke, use the Force.
Luke Skywalker: Really? Because I was just gonna...
Ben Kenobi: Just use the Force.
Luke Skywalker: Okay!
[Luke's lightsaber floats above Mrs. Wilson and stabs her right through the eye. She starts screaming]
Luke Skywalker: Are you happy?
Ben Kenobi: I've never been happy.
Meg Griffin: Can you please teach me how to drive?
Brian Griffin: Meg, you might want to find a better driver then Peter.
Peter Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm a great driver.
Brian Griffin: Oh, yeah. Remember your trip to the Southwest.
[flashback]
Roadrunner: Meep Meep.
[Peter's car runs over him]
Brian Griffin: Oh my God. Did I just hit that ostrich?
Wile E. Coyote: No.
Peter Griffin: Are you sure?
Wile E. Coyote: Yeah. Keep going.
Stewie Griffin: Make sure there's a fresh copy of Wall Street Journal next to the changing table.
Mr. Fargas: Today, we are going to dissect... a clown. Well, it's no wonder this clown died. His lungs were filled with candy.
Stewie Griffin: I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.
Peter Griffin: Wow, I'm even better than that dad from Lost In Space.
[flashback]
Dad: We need to chart this planet. Greg, you take my 16 year old blonde daughter out in the chariot for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing, boy-hungry pedophile with you.
Lois Griffin: Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I can guarantee that a man made that commercial.
Peter Griffin: Of course they did. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
[on the phone]
Chris Griffin: So, what are you wearing?
[pause]
Chris Griffin: Wow. I bet you can see right through that.
Lois Griffin: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris Griffin: Grandma.
Peter Griffin: Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, oh you know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. The fact is the man's out there every bloody night, with fresh material, and he's charming.
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois Griffin: You pasted it over me.
Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better.
Stewie Griffin: How deliciously evil. It's like something out of Stephen King.
[flashback]
Stephen King: Now for my 300th novel, a couple... uh...
[casts about desperately]
Stephen King: is attacked... by a giant... uh... lamp monster! Oooooooo!
Editor: You're not even trying anymore, are you?
[sigh]
Editor: When can I have it?
Guy in Chicken Suit: Enjoy your chicken sandwich.
Stewie Griffin: Enjoy your studio apartment.
[a grim, hooded wraith with a scythe approaches Peter's door]
Peter Griffin: Wh-Who are you?
Death: I'm Callista Flockhart. Who do you think I am? I'm Death.
Lois Griffin: Why are you here? The doctor said Peter was fine.
Death: Yeah, well, I guess he would know. I mean, after all, he is a doctor, and I'm just - DEATH.
Brian Griffin: You got anything on that remote lower than Mute?
[Shamus has four wooden limbs]
Glen Quagmire: So, were you in an accident or something?
Shamus: No, me father was a tree.
Peter Griffin: We're officially on welfare. Come on, kids. Help me scatter garbage on the front lawn.
Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate...
[Peter is watching this on TV]
Peter Griffin: What the hell does rant mean?
[Family is talking about Peter's Drinking problem]
Brian Griffin: And remember the time when you had an Irish Coffee before we went to see "Philadelphia"?
[Shows them in a movie theater]
Peter Griffin: Ah, yeah. It's the guy from "Big". Tom Hanks Everything he says is a Riot.
Tom Hanks: I have AIDS.
[Peter starts laughing uncontrollably]
[Peter has had plastic surgery]
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you get a new buttocks?
Peter Griffin: I had to. My old one had a crack in it.
Lois Griffin: Kids, stop fighting or we won't go to McDonalds after church.
Meg, Chris: MOM!
Peter Griffin: OK, we can go... but you can't supersize.
Chris Griffin: Awwwwwwwwwww...
Peter Griffin: OK, you can supersize but no apple pie.
Meg Griffin: Oh, come on.
Peter Griffin: OK, you can have an apple pie but you can't blow on it.
Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Very well, what are the stakes if I win?
Brian: I wasn't making a bet. Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Peter Griffin: Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up.
Brian Griffin: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter Griffin: If by "read", you mean "imagined a naked lady", then yes.
Meg Griffin: I wish Chris would quit drawing pictures of my head on a pig's body.
Chris Griffin: Don't censor me.
[Family is trying to hide from mobsters]
Peter Griffin: Don't worry, I got it all worked out. We'll move to England, huh? Worst they got there is, you know, drive-by... arguments...
[Meanwhile, in England]
Englishman: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth?
Jeremy: Why yes, I daresay it is.
Englishman: Oh, let's get him.
[They drive up]
Englishman: Oh Reginald... I disagree.
[drives off]
[Peter with Charles Manson and the Manson Family]
Peter Griffin: Guys. I got invited to Sharon Tate's house. Now you can come, but you gotta promise not to embarrass me.
Stewie Griffin: Soooo Broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. But I'm afraid I'm no good for you.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I saw a really good deal on a used car in this newspaper.
Peter Griffin: Oh no. I knew a guy who bought a used car through a newspaper. Ten years later, BAM! Herpes.
[Peter has taken some politicians to a strip joint, where one of them has accidentally killed one of the strippers]
Peter Griffin: You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her... smoking!
Meg: I can't believe my stupid parents are going to spend five stupid days following stupid Kiss on tour. That's painful.
Peter Griffin: Not as painful as a tire iron upside your head.
Meg: What?
Peter Griffin: Nothing.
Chris Griffin: Mom, can I be excused from the table? Stewie is gonna help me with my math homework.
Lois Griffin: Honey, don't be silly. He's only a baby.
Stewie Griffin: Right, and you are a regular Rhodes Scholar yourself. Where did you graduate from? The University of Duuuuhhh?
Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things", not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up".
[they are eating Trisha]
Tom Tucker: Mmm. Diane can I cook or what?
Diane Simmons: I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks [they both laugh]
Brian Griffin: Oh my god! They're eating Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa!
Peter Griffin: That's insane! They're just gonna be hungry again in an hour.
Stewie Griffin: [after Brian cries hysterically]
I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. A "melancollie".
[no response]
Stewie Griffin: Oh wait. I should have said "chi wa-wa".
[still no response]
Stewie Griffin: I don't have to
[beep]
Stewie Griffin: impress you!
Lois Griffin: Why don't you take Joe caroling?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, that'd be as fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: What?
Chris Griffin: You should invent the frisbee! The frisbee is an awesome toy!
Meg Griffin: The frisbee's already been invented.
Chris Griffin: Then how come I've never heard of it?
Meg Griffin: Guess what I am.
Stewie Griffin: Hmm, let me see. The end result of a drunken backseat gropefest and a damaged prophylactic?
[Peter saw Lois in a coffee shop talking with her old college boyfriend]
Peter Griffin: I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.
["Hollywood Squares" parody]
Contestant: I'll take the dying boy to block.
Tom Bergeron: Ok, Jeremy... is there anything lower than absolute zero?
Jeremy: Uhh, yeah... my white cell count.
Chris: I haven't been this confused since the ending of "No Way Out".
[Flashback to Chris & Brian coming out of a theater that's showing "No
Way Out"]
Chris: How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?
[the Griffins watch "Happy Days"]
Richie: Mom, uh, I really like Potsy.
Mrs. Cunningham: Well, Potsy's a nice boy, dear. Why shouldn't you like him?
Richie: No, I mean... I really like Potsy.
Mr. Cunningham: We heard you the first time, son. You've got a homosexual attraction to Potsy.
Toy Designer: I've just finished the new line of G.I. Jew toys.
[he pushes a button on the G.I. Jew action figure]
G.I. Jew: You call these bagels?
Toy Designer: Whoa, I'm glad he's on our side.
Peter Griffin: You all know how observant I am.
TV Announcer: And now back to Star Trek.
Peter Griffin: Holy crap. Uhura's black?
[Peter is watching a beer commercial]
Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you drink it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Meg Griffin: Can I be in the play, Mom?
Stewie Griffin: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.
Lois: You see Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at... but mess with one of my baby chicks and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your
[oven dings]
Lois: ... ing eyes out. Cookies are done. Who wants chocolate chip?
Stewie: Mark my words, your uppance shall come.
Death: You can't tell anyone that I'm here. For if you do, the consequences could be dire.
Peter Griffin: Go on...
Death: That's it.
[to Lois]
Death: God, what do you see in him?
Stewie Griffin: The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't... I have no problem... it's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh... I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God! Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
Peter Griffin: You know, some people think that dandelions are weeds. But you know... uh... I always think, who the hell decided tulips were so great?
[the Griffins are being relocated to the South]
Peter Griffin: The South? Isn't that where the black people are really lazy, and the white people are equally as lazy, but they're mad at the black people for being so lazy?
[Brian, who has become addicted to cocaine, brings home a fellow user]
Lois Griffin: Hi Tina. Welcome to our home. Can I get you a washcloth to wipe the dried blood from under your nose?
Meg Griffin: Chris! You're hogging all the fans!
Chris Griffin: Oh yeah? Well you're hogging all the UGLY!
Peter: ...and there's no way I'm going in the back way.
Death: Oh crap, I have no time for this!
Peter Griffin [to his wife]: If I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I stand here and get lectured by pervert.
Peter Griffin: Oh, boy! I remember my first job. I was in a folk music trio.
[cuts to a room in the 1970s, Peter is sitting with Art Garfunkel and Paul Simon]
Peter Griffin: Hey, how about "Here's to You, Mrs. Fleckenstein"?
Paul Simon: Yeah, you've been pitching that for an hour. It's just not a very attractive name.
Peter Griffin: [petulant] Oh, fine, fine. I guess were also not going with "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Lowery's Seasoning Salt."
[scoffs, leaves]
Peter Griffin: That's it, I'm going to 'Nam.
Meg Griffin: I made flag girl!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you made flag girl. Great.
[pause]
Stewie Griffin: Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.
Lois: "Quitters never win" and "Don't trust Whitey".
Stewie: HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh! Excluding that first "ha".
Pillsbury Doughboy: Nothing says "I Love You" quite like Pill...
[Lois starts to roll him flat with a rolling pin]
Pillsbury Doughboy: Hey! What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch!
[Meg enters the house crying]
Meg: I'll never be popular, and it's all because of this stupid purse!
[Peter grabs the purse and holds it against the wall]
Peter: What the hell did you do to my daughter? I swear to God if you touched her...
[Brian is working as a guide dog and has taken a blind man to see "The
Blair Witch Project"]
Brian: Okay, they're - they're in the woods. The camera keeps on moving. Uh... I think they're looking for some witch or something; I don't know, I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.
[Brian's been hired as a drug-sniffing cop dog]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian. If cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage?
[he laughs]
Brian Griffin: Clever, Peter. Did you stay up all night writing that?
Peter Griffin: No, I got to bed around two, two-thirty.
Black Knight: You see kids? Your father's nothing but a fizzle!
Peter Griffin: Hey, pal, nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except for that one guy who called me a fizzle and then he ran off. But nobody else has ever called me a fizzle and got away with it! Actually thought, he was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. But after today, only half the people who've called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it!
[Jennifer Love Hewitt is on a date with Peter, and reviews her past
works]
Jennifer Love Hewitt: "I Know What You Did Last Summer"?
Peter: Nope... never heard of it.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: "The Devil and Daniel Webster"?
Peter: No.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: "Party of Five"?
Peter: Was that a porno?
[a police officer pulls Peter over in his car]
Police Officer: License and reg... hey, aren't you the guy who found out he's part black?
Peter Griffin: Yes I am.
Police Officer: [into walkie-talkie] Report of a possible stolen vehicle.
Peter Griffin: But this is my car.
Police Officer: Suspect becoming belligerent.
Peter Griffin: Wha...
Police Officer: Officer down.
[Officer falls to ground, police cars surround Peter]
Stewie Griffin: Damn it! I want pancakes! God! You people understand every language except English. Yo quiero pancakes. Donnez-moi pancakes. Click-click-bloody click pancakes!
Joe Swanson: Peter, it's over.
Peter Griffin: Over? What are you talking about? What kind of talk is that? It's un-American. Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that DUI? No! Did he quit after he got busted for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game? No! Did he quit...
Joe Swanson: I get the message, Peter.
Protestors: Free Tibet! Free Tibet!
Peter Griffin: I'll take it!
[He runs to a nearby phone booth]
Peter Griffin: Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost ya. That's right. All the tea.
Salesman: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Now, I know you've been here all day, so if you'll just sign this contract without reading it I'll take your blank check, and you won't not be not loving your time-share before you know it.
Tom Tucker: Can bees think? A new study indicates that no, they cannot.
Ghost: Come hither and give heed!
Peter Griffin: Sorry buddy, I don't swing that way.
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out, the lump on your chest is just a fatty corpusle.
Peter Griffin: Fatty Corpusle? Wait a minute... How the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?
Peter Griffin: [doing the laundry] Hey, where's my sock? Hey!
[crawls into the dryer and arrives in Narnia]
Goat Man: Welcome to Narnia, I am Mr. Tumnus.
Peter Griffin: Hey, give me back my sock, you goat bastard!
[looking into a woman's window with binoculars while she is undressing]
Mr. Rogers: Hello, neighbor.
Joe Swanson: [to Brian, who just joined the police force] Great job, rookie!
Cop #1: You're a real credit to the force!
Cop #2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!
Peter Griffin: [after learning about his African American ancestor Nate Griffin] Wow, then it's true.
Chris Griffin: Cool! I get to be black AND Irish.
Meg Griffin: Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt.
[the family is relocated to a small house in the South]
Meg Griffin: Eww, we're going to be living here?
Lois Griffin: Now come on Meg, I bet if we fixed it up a little, it could be a piece of crap.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
Peter Griffin: [flashback] I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I would never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life.
[Lois slugs Peter, knocking him out - cut to nighttime]
Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.
Peter Griffin: Brian, tape this for me.
Brian Griffin: Oh, sorry. The VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football.
[Flashback: FBI Agents burst in just as Peter is about to tape]
FBI Agent: Do you have the expressed written consent of ABC Sports and the National Football League?
Peter Griffin: Just ABC.
[FBI Agents blow the VCR to bits]
Peter Griffin: That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious. The sailor. But then again he was never meant to be funny.
Quagmire: [walks between two women] sorry, I didn't mean to come between you... or did I?
[Brian tries to distract an angry mob of rednecks]
Brian Griffin: Hey, look over there! It's a newly married inter-racial gay couple burning the American Flag!
[Peter has lost his ability to play the piano]
Lois Griffin: Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that!
Peter Griffin: Well, sometimes it does. I mean, you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.
[Flashback]
Peter Griffin: Come on Lois, move or something! Jeez, it's like doing it with a pillow.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night.
Peter Griffin: Oh.
Chris Griffin: I'm so hungry I could ride a horse!... I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store I guess.
Brian Griffin: I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face!
Meg Griffin: Mom!
Lois Griffin: Now honey, your face smells fine.
Stewie Griffin: [accidently rips off the tail of Brian's dead mother] Oh, relax. The old girl didn't have much to wag about these days, anyway.
Stewie Griffin: [looking at a picture of Jesus] Look at Jesus over there all by himself!
[referring to another picture]
Stewie Griffin: You would think those bulldogs would invite him over to play poker with them.
Stewie Griffin: [in a Southern accent] Warm out today. Warm out yesterday. Even warmer today.
[strums up his banjo]
Stewie Griffin: [singing] Met her on my CB Said her name was Mimi Sounded like an angel come to Earth
Banjo Chorus: Come to Earth
Stewie Griffin: But when I finally meet her Boy, you should've seen her Twice as tall as me, three times the girth
Banjo Chorus: Girth
Stewie Griffin: Oh, my fat baby loves to eat
Banjo Chorus: Loves to eat
Stewie Griffin: A big old Buddha belly, and her breasts swing past her feet
Stewie Griffin: Oh, my fat baby loves to eat
Banjo Chorus: Eat
Stewie Griffin: My big ol' fatass baby loves to eat!
Stewie Griffin: [shouts] I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!
[Stewie's bath turns to blood]
Stewie Griffin: How positively delightful... it's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble.
Stewie Griffin: [pointing a mind-control device at Lois] Aha, mother. So we meet again.
Lois Griffin: Stewie, I thought I tucked you in bed.
Stewie Griffin: Not tightly enough, you see.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you've never done anything creative in your life!
Peter Griffin: That's not true! I wrote "Bonfire of the Vanities".
Lois Griffin: No, you didn't!
Peter Griffin: [after long pause] You win this round, Lois!
Doctor: Mayor West, I'm afraid you have lymphoma.
Adam West: Oh.
Doctor: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
Adam West: I see.
Doctor: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
Adam West: I was trying to gain super powers.
Doctor: Well, that's just silly!
Adam West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.
Lois Griffin: You all think Christmas just happens. You think all this goodwill just falls from the freakin' sky. Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So you can cook your own damn turkey. Wrap your own damn presents. And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!
Peter Griffin: Christmas is the time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living and we sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.
Gun Safety Instructor: Remember, guns don't kill people. Dangerous minorities do.
Brian Griffin: Peter, being a hero is just being someone that somebody can look up to.
Peter Griffin: People have looked up to me... Remember that time I read to those kids at Sunday school.
Brian Griffin: Ah, when you forgot all the lyrics to the songs?
Peter Griffin: [flashback to church]
[Peter is singing a song to the kids]
Peter Griffin: Jesus really loves me. He loves me a whole bunch. That's why he puts Skippy in my lunch.
Peter Griffin: [slurring, drunk] This comedian sucks. He couldn't make me laugh even if I was laughin' my ass off and he was the one makin' me do it. Come on, skinny, make me laugh!
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a microphone stand.
Peter Griffin: Oh, well, excuse me for thinkin' that a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or two. I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.
Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in any other flavors?
Mort Goldman: Peter! You're not eating those, are you?
Peter Griffin: [sarcastically] No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them.
Peter: Ah, Los Angeles! Everything's big, everything's grand, and they always say something witty right before the commercial break.
[Peter looks confused. Five beats, then CUT TO COMMERCIAL]
Lois Griffin: [Stewie has just seen his parents having sex] Honey, there's nothing wrong with what you saw... in fact, that's sort of how you were created...
Stewie Griffin: Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! Get out of here woman, get out!
[Lois leaves, Brian enters]
Brian Griffin: Oh, God. You saw them together, didn't you?
Stewie Griffin: Ngg...
[Stewie nods]
Brian Griffin: You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.
[Peter calls in sick to work]
Peter Griffin: Mr Weed, I can't come to work today because I was in a terrible plane crash. My family is dead and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow.
[Peter gets caught by his boss]
Peter Griffin: Remember that plane crash I had? It turned out to be gas.
[live hurricane report]
Tom Tucker: And now to Ollie Williams, with our live hurricane report. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: It's rainin' sideways!
Tom Tucker: Don't you have an umbrella, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Had one!
Tom Tucker: Where is it?
Ollie Williams: Inside-out, five miles away!
Tom Tucker: Can we get you anything, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Bring me some soup!
Tom Tucker: What kind?
Ollie Williams: Chunky!
[during a romantic dinner]
Lois Griffin: [seductively] You know, I'm not wearing any panties.
Stewie Griffin: Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.
Stewie Griffin: [in an Amsterdam hash bar] The only reason we die, is because we accept death as an inevitability.
[to Brian]
Stewie Griffin: How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Got a a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for three years? Huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist? Yeah? Got a obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off.