Note: All characters, etc., are copyright Gainax, ADV Films, etc... This is only made for entertainment purposes and is not meant to infringe on the copyright laws yadda yadda yadda...You know the standard disclaimer bit.

Author's Note: I tried to make this one more WAFF-y, and I know, I gotta cut the music references. Some guy also told me to put in a lime scene, so just to let you know, I'm no perv, I just do as requested. Tell me what you think @ [email protected]. And one more thing- If you've seen the movie Airplane!, please don't sue.

   The nights in Tokyo-3 were usually one of three things: Noisy, with the sounds of Evangelions battling Angels, somewhat noisy, with the passing traffic in the thriving city, or calm and quiet, in which nothing seemed to happen, other than the moon watching all overhead.
   The young pilot known as Ikari Shinji stood upon the balcony of his apartment, looking on, and giving the sliver of silver in the sky some company. He sighed as he folded his arms onto the railing, leaned slightly, and looked directly at the crescent in the sky.
   "How lonely you must be up there, with nothing else to share your beauty," Shinji said lightly as a small smile appeared on his face, "But maybe me, watching you from my humble position here on Earth may be a little significant."
   "But then where would I be, my Shinji-kun?" an all-too-familiar voice spoke as his female roommate walked up behind him, and slowly wrapped her arms around him. Her eyes sparkled in the moonlight, as the light breeze blew her silk nightgown only slightly. Shinji turned around, and placed his arms around the nymph's waist, kissing her sweetly.
   "There isn't a better person to share the night's beauty with than you," he whispered into her ear as she rested her head on his shoulder, allowing her long hair to move freely whenever a bit of wind made its way to the two embracing lovers. He sighed, smiled, and said, "For only you have more beauty than the very object I admire."
   The young woman's cheeks had reddened with this, as she gently pressed her lips against his, a single tear running down her cheek. "I've never felt so loved before, my sweet Shinji-kun!" she said as she pulled him closer, "Please, Shinji...Say those three words that I have longed for all of my life to hear!"
   "Very well, my sweet love," Shinji started, looking into her eyes, "I love you."
   There was total silence as the two lovers had kissed deeply. The scene would have been able to bring an angel to its knees, and force it to forever leave this plane. The emotion felt between the two people in love would have made the old men at SEELE regret ever wanting to end humanity as they knew it. It may very well have made Ikari Gendou give up his cold ways and gain back his heart...
   Well, maybe that was impossible, even for any of God's messengers.
   As the two lovers parted lips, the companion of Ikari Shinji looked directly into his eyes, smiled, and whispered sweetly, "I'll love you forever, my sweet Shinji-Kun."
   He returned the heart-warming gaze, and simply replied, "I shall love you forever, my loving Misato-chan."
   "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Asuka as she woke from her worst nightmare, clenching her chest as if she had just suffered three consecutive heart attacks. Beads of sweat rolled off of her face as if they were raindrops during a hurricane. "Where is he?!?" she said nervously as she jumped out of bed, heart racing, "Where is my Shinji-kun?!?"
   The teenager, not wasting a second, burst out of the room in a mix of fear and anger, the memory of the nightmare still fresh. It was only until Asuka saw that no one stood on the balcony was her heart allowed to return to a normal pace for a moment, only to have another fear enter her head.
   "What if those two are sleeping together right now?!?" she said to herself as she ran quietly to Shinji's door. It had been closed, which had made the young pilot even more worried. Sure, she could handle shattering a forty-story Angel to Kingdom Come, but was she really prepared to see the one she loved in bed with another? Asuka pleaded with God quickly that it wasn't the case, as she hesitantly opened the thin door.
   "Shinji-kun?" she faintly called as she slowly crept into the room, which was tidy and provided easy entrance. Sure, she knew that he was a clean freak, but was her Shinji doing that so his mistress could sneak in during the middle of the night? "Shinji-kun? Are you there?" she faintly called once more, her heart full of fear, as well as various networks of blood vessels leading in and out of the pumping organ.
   "Yes, Asuka-chan?" replied a tired Shinji as he turned on the light next to his bed. He didn't count on seeing her enter his room this late at night. He quickly looked at his clock, and realized that he didn't count on seeing her enter his room this early in the morning.
   "I just had this horrible nightmare," she said, walking into the lit area, "I need to talk to you for a second."
   "Sure, my love," he said, his face turning red, "But do you want to maybe put on a robe or something first?"
   Asuka didn't exactly know what the young pilot meant, but as she looked at herself and realized that she only was wearing a bra and panties, Asuka's face turned as red as Shinji's, and quickly searched for a robe, only to have her lover hand her his.
   "I'm sorry I didn't act like a gentleman about it...I guess I'm still a little shy." Shinji said, turning away. As the German-American girl heard this, she grinned evilly, and removed the robe, setting it at the foot of her love's bed. She quietly walked to his side of the bed, turned to face him, and sat on his lap in a most seductive position. She then slowly put her arms around his neck, pushing his head slightly downward to face her chest, and smiled at him slightly, her eyes half-closed.
   "My sweet Shinji-kun," she sweetly said to him as she narrowed the gap between their bodies, "Please, comfort me, and make me forget about every nightmare I've ever had."
   Much to her surprise, Shinji's reply was not to blush uncontrollably, but to pull her closer to him, and to whisper in the girl's ear, "My love Asuka-chan, I shall do anything for you, for your love means more to me than anything else."
   "Really?" Asuka replied, surprised.
   Shinji simply smiled serenely, and gently kissed her, thinking throughout Please don't screw up! If you screw up and blush and get all embarrassed, Ikari, I swear I'll kick my own ass! You hear me, me? However, Asuka welcomed the kiss, and let her melt in Shinji's arms, reminded of the many true moments of love the two have had.
   As time passed, the kiss started to come to a close, and a few minutes after it had begun, the two had stopped the kiss, and laid next to each other, under the covers of Shinji's bed. The redhead held the young man close, as he pulled the nymph closer. She smiled sweetly, and kissed his cheek.
   "I guess you aren't my shy little Shinji anymore," she whispered, moving closer to him, "Now you're my sweet, loving Shinji-kun..."
   "And you're my sweet, loving Asuka-chan..." he replied, leaning towards her for another kiss.
   "Hello there, Ikari Shinji," said an unfamiliar voice from the doorway, "My name is Karou. Nagisa Karou."
   The two lovers turned to face the teenage boy, who wore the same type of clothing as Shinji, and had red eyes and gray hair. He slowly walked towards the couple, and leaned over to look into Shinji's eyes. As he did so, Asuka was preparing to dispatch of the boy, but something kept her from doing so. Damnit, Asuka, why couldn't you have at least worn some clothes to bed tonight?!? Kicking some guy's ass with only my underwear, what kind of statement is that? 'Hi, I'm Asuka, the Scantily-Clad Amazon'? What kind of hentai would want that?
   Somewhere, someone with a beard and tinted glasses smiled for an instant, as he glanced quickly at his 'Xena: Warrior Princess' poster.
   Meanwhile, back in Shinji's room, the stranger smiled at the young pilot, and stood erect. "You are the most beautiful young man I've ever seen, Ikari...Would you mind if I were to snuggle into that bed with you, Shinji-kun?"
   "THAT'S IT!" Asuka shouted as she ripped off the covers, did a double-flip out of bed, pressed the 'Play' button to Shinji's CD player, and quickly turned it to track ten, "Stay Away", of Nirvana's Nevermind album. She finished off the speedy maneuvers with a martial arts stance that, in her current state of dress, would more likely cause a nosebleed than a heart to beat rapidly in fear. "Now you'll learn to stay away from my Shinji-kun!"
   "But I-" Karou tried to say, but was soon feeling the fury of a series of bicycle kicks from 'The Red One' in the chest, followed by a strong high kick to the jaw that sent Karou back into Shinji's dresser. He yelped in pain as his body all but destroyed the piece of furniture, and his form fell limply to the ground.
   "Behold! I am Asuka, daughter to Jet Li, distant cousin of Bruce Lee, and acquaintance of the niece to the roommate of Jackie Chan's barber!" the fiery teen said in the classic 'bad martial arts movie dub'-speak. She immediately grabbed the young man and threw him across the room, slamming him into Shinji's closet.
   Meanwhile, in the room down the hall, two people had noticed the constant noise coming from Shinji's area.
   "What the hell is that freakin' kid doing?!?" Starks shouted as he quickly got up from bed, and changed into his NERV Security uniform. Misato, still in bed, had buried her head under the pillow, in an attempt to drown out the noise.
   "Come and get me when it's over, will you hun?" came a muffled Misato as she pressed the pillow tightly over her head, trying to block any noise from the Ikari dwelling whatsoever.
   Starks walked over to the woman, patted her up-turned back, and smiled. "Don't worry, I'm a trained professional. I can handle it."
   "You really have no clue what you're going to do, do you?" Misato replied, still from under the pillow. Starks simply hung his head for a moment, but then wrapped his arm around her, and smiled.
   "No, but after what happened last time, I'm an ad-libbing expert." he said cheerfully, quickly lifting the pillow long and high enough to give the tired Major a quick kiss, and soon was off to see to the disturbance.
   "I wonder if there's any rules in NERV about co-worker marriage..." Misato thought to herself, as a small smile appeared on her face.
   However, things were hardly worthy of smiling about in Shinji's room.
   "Wait, please don't hurt me any more..." Karou said weakly, trying to hold in his pain, "...I think my ribs are broken...and I feel this tingling sensation where my spleen is..."
   "Well, allow me to take your mind off of that, Nagisa," Asuka started, as she took yet another martial arts stance. Suddenly, a red aura formed around her, as an evil grin formed on her face. "Fire Strike....Ultimate...NOW!" she shouted as she erupted in a fit of martial arts fury, delivering several rapid punches to the teen with gray hair, followed by an uppercut which left a trail of red light behind it.
   "Asuka!" Shinji shouted as Asuka grabbed Karou in mid-air, about to deliver a crushing blow to the head.
   "Yes, my dearest Shinji-kun?" Asuka answered in a sweet tone, still holding the struggling Nagisa.
   "Stop it, please..." he started, gazing into her eyes, "You know I don't like it when you act like this."
   "Okay, my sweet Shinji-kun!" she replied cheerfully, tossing the young man she held in a death-grip across the room, and instantly running to Shinji's side, throwing her arms around him. She kissed her love lightly, and leaned on his shoulder, saying in an innocent tone, "I'll try not to do that again, okay my love?"
   "Thank you, my Asuka-chan." he replied, running his hand through her long, soft hair. However, at the other end of the room, a whimpering Karou rose from his position at the corner, and smiled weakly.
   "One day, Shinji-kun...I shall have you as my own." he said, limping over to the couple. Suddenly, a familiar NERV agent burst into the room, his gun drawn, and his hair slightly messed up from being brutally disturbed from his sleep a few moments before.
   "Someone...is...going...to pay...for...waking my...Misato-chan...up..." Lieutenant Max Starks stammered as he collected his wits and bottled his rage, but then lowered his weapon at the sight of the three young people in the room.
   Sure, he had dealt with a giant robot piloted by a perverted child, unusual mood swings from one of the people he was assigned to watch, twisted love triangles involving the others, and through it all, managed to become Misato Katsuragi's boyfriend.
   Seeing a half-nude girl clenching to the arm of a normally shy teen, with a beaten-up young man with unusual characteristics standing before them with a smile on his face provided either too little information, or too much of a scenario to digest.
   "What the hell happened here?" he said, a mixed expression of shock and worry on his face.
   "Well, I had this nightmare about my Shinji-kun being taken away by your apparent significant other, only to come here and find out that he isn't with her, but also that I'm only in my underwear. Then, after being intimate with him, to discover this baka over here trying to seduce my boyfriend into sleeping with him, and I needed to do something about it," Asuka started, taking a breath, "So I had to kick his sorry yaoi a-"
   "You're kidding me." he said in disbelief.
   "Not at all," came the reply from Nagisa Karou, who simply smiled as he turned to the agent, "You see, I was sent here by SEELE to become the fifth Evangelion pilot..."
   "I didn't even know we had a fourth." Asuka said to Shinji, who nodded in agreement.
   "...And when I was asked to come here, I figured I may stay with the male pilot. However, I wasn't counting on him being so...so...perfect." Karou finished, looking at the teen pilot that he admired.
   "Yeah, that's my Shinji all right...Perfect to the very last bit." Asuka agreed, kissing the young man. However, Starks stood in silence, trying to sort things out in his mind. Finally, he walked over to Nagisa, and produced a set of handcuffs, and quickly placed the teen's wrists in them.
   "I'm going to have to bring you in for breaking and entering, kid." Starks said calmly, closing the cuffs, and turning to face the young man.
   "Oh, I don't think so, Lieutenant," Nagisa said as the cuffs disintegrated from his wrists, not to the surprise of Starks, and slowly, Karou started to hover above the ground. He moved towards the open window, but stopped to blow Shinji a kiss.
   "THAT'S IT!" Asuka shouted, leaping from her place at Ikari's side to a spinning kick at Karou's torso.
   While he could float, hover, and disintegrate handcuffs with the greatest of ease, the teen couldn't hope to avoid the fury of the Demon when she's ready to attack.
   "Damn, that has to hurt." Starks said to Shinji as several kicks and punches connected with the red-eyed boy's chest, as well as various judo chops and elbows to the stomach.
   "I suppose it's good to know that my girlfriend can kick anyone's ass if someone ever tries to beat me up." the young pilot replied, now standing to the side of the NERV agent.
   "And now, for the coup de gras!" Asuka said as she took a 'preying mantis' stance, confusing Nagisa, until he suffered the worst attack of all: The Berlin Ball Buster.
   People all over Tokyo-3 still say they could hear 'a young girl screaming at the top of her lungs' that night, almost as if it always remained fresh in the minds of those who witnessed it first-hand.
   "Gott en himmel." Starks quoted as he saw the event.
   "Well, I suppose 'he' is now a 'she'...That'll make it easier to deal with, I guess." Shinji said, trying to hide his fear of ever, ever pissing off Asuka again.
   "What the hell was that?!?" Misato shouted as she entered the room, still in her short, revealing silken nightgown, but as soon as she saw the leg of Asuka slowly moving downward from the groin of the strange teenager, she realized instantly what had occurred. "Is he the reason for all this noise?" she asked, leaning against Starks.
   "Basically." both he and Shinji said in unison, with the same expression of fear on their faces. Shinji was shaking a little after seeing what had happened, while the Lieutenant tried to retain his nerve while Misato was around.
   "Please...Kill me..." Karou pleaded as he dropped to his knees, eyes bulging, and his jaw dropped. Asuka just casually turned around, and walked to Shinji's side, smiling.
   "That..." Shinji whispered to the man next to him, secretly motioning to Asuka's smile, "Is what scares me the most."
   "I shall...return...my Shinji-kun." Karou whimpered as he floated out the window, and soon disappeared in a flash of purple light. The four blankly stared out the window where Nagisa had vanished, Shinji shaking still in Asuka's embrace, and Starks giving a distant stare at the redhead.
   "Let's all get back to bed, since we only have a few hours until morning," Misato said, taking Starks by the arm and walking out of the room, "Good night, you two!"
   The two pilots simply embraced, looking into each other's eyes. Finally, the inevitable was said before the two would go to sleep, sharing Shinji's bed:
   "Asuka, just remember that you love me the next time we get into an argument, okay?" said Shinji, showing a nervous smile.

   "Greetings, Asuka, Shinji," Rei said softly as she entered the classroom. The morning had been calm and serene, with a bright sun shining in a cloudless sky. Rei sat down in her seat by the window, but faced the young couple, and continued, "How are the two of you doing this morning?"
   "Well, a funny thing happened las-" Shinji started.
   "We're fine, Rei, thanks!" Asuka interrupted, covering Shinji's mouth with her hand, "How are things with you and Kensuke?"
   "Why don't you ask him?" she replied as Kensuke walked into the room, smiling. Suddenly, a large piece of the ceiling collapsed, and completely covered the young man under rubble.
   "Oh my God! They killed Kensuke!" Shinji shouted.
   "You bastards!" Touji, who had entered the room after Kensuke, shouted towards the ceiling.
   "Wait...I'm fine...Just in...some pain..." Kensuke stammered as he crawled out from under the various debris, bruised and battered.
   "Kensuke-kun!" Rei shouted as she ran over to her injured lover, pulled him out from underneath the pile, and carried him out of the room, to the school nurse's office. The other students just gazed in amazement at the spectacle, some with jaws dropped. However, the instructor came in, set his things down at his desk, and pulled out his lectures for the day nonchalantly, not even noticing that a quarter of the room's ceiling had fell onto the area near the doorway.
   Hikari, after stumbling a little, still in shock, went through her class representative duties as usual, and took her seat next to Touji. The teacher started one of his lectures, as the rest of the class drifted off into other thoughts. Hikari and Touji just sat there in what appeared to be a staring contest, while Shinji and Asuka had other things in mind.
   "Shinji, did you ever see that guy before?" Asuka asked, worried.
   "No, I've never seen him in my life," he replied, smiling, "Besides, don't worry about him. You're the only one I'll ever love, my Asuka-chan."
   "Really?" the redhead replied, blushing.
   "Yes, really," he started, taking her hand from across the aisle, "No girl compares to you, Soyou Asuka Langley, my only angel whom I truly love."
   Asuka started to tear up, as her face reddened more with a deeper blush. A small, sweet smile formed on her face, and the mighty Asuka became a humble schoolgirl, as joyous as ever. "Shinji-kun...That was so sweet of you." she said softly.
   "Where's the mighty warrior Asuka now?" the young man asked, teasing the girl.
   "She came out to play with Nagisa, remember?"
   "Oh yeah, now I remember." Shinji replied as he winced in pain, thinking about the fate of that girlish-sounding young man. For an eternity and beyond, the young man known as Ikari Shinji would forever fear the term 'Berlin Ball Buster' used by any man, woman, or child.
   "Can't I just be my sweet, normal self once in a while?" Asuka playfully asked Shinji, holding back her urges to actually be playful with him.
   "I always thought of your normal self being a proud, arrogant young woman who flaunted herself fairly easily in the presence of either Kaji or someone that would easily blush." came the long-winded reply.
   "I know, but you opened that shell and exposed the real me," started the redhead, her voice becoming more tempting as her words continued, "The sweet, sensitive, desiring, loving, vulnerable, needing, sexy..."
   "You can just say 'girl of your dreams, Shinji', you know," the young man stated as his own face turned red at Asuka's sensual voice, "You're such a tease sometimes, Asuka."
   "I know," Asuka said, smiling, "Just be thankful I'm fully clothed this time."
   Meanwhile, quite a distance away, a man in a black NERV uniform watched on, unusually with a companion. He leaned against the car, holding his binoculars to his eyes, while the woman with him laid out on the hood of the car.
   "Nothing major so far," said Lieutenant Starks as he lowered the binoculars to look over to the woman, "Just some small talk between them."
   "Keep an eye on 'em; if that stranger comes back, he'll go for wherever they are," replied Major Katsuragi, wearing casual attire with her NERV jacket, "He'll either be in it for revenge against Asuka, or just in for Shinji."
   "Poor guy," stated the NERV agent as he glanced back at the school, "He's just found the love of his life, and already there's a complication. Can you imagine how hard it must be for him?"
   "So having a relationship with a person you're on-duty with isn't a complication?" the woman replied, grinning, "There hasn't been a moment yet that I haven't thought about us in some way so far."
   "That's what Kaji told me when he was talking about his past with you," said Starks, now gazing at the two pilots with the binoculars once more, "He also said that I was a very lucky man to be with you...now he's gone and transferred out of this section of NERV for some reason. He seemed like such a decent guy, too..."
   "Yeah, sure he was," mumbled Misato as a look of disgust and shame showed on her face. Slowly, she got up, removed her jacket to reveal her usual pink spaghetti-strap shirt, and slid her arms around the NERV agent from behind him. "Besides, if you want to know more about me, why not just get a little closer to me?" she whispered in his ear, smiling sweetly.
   "Please, Misato-chan," answered an embarrassed Starks, "Not now. I'm on duty."
   "Makes it more dangerous..."
   "Trying to help stop a crazed stalker."
   "Asuka will probably make him into a female, so she'll be better able to cope."
   "Trying to prevent Shinji and Asuka from gettin' more action than us."
   With that, Misato quickly threw her NERV jacket back on, a serious expression dawning on her face, and saying, "Keep a good eye on those two. I'll make constant radio checks with the base to make sure that he hasn't arrived in another location."
   "Yes, Major Katsuragi." replied a relieved Lieutenant , saluting the young woman as she walked away.
   "One more thing," she said, turning around, "If we get a spare moment, there's nothing in the backseat..."
   However, in another part of the school, a different drama was unfolding entirely. A young girl, with short hair and red eyes, sat next to a small bed, on which a young man was outstretched, bruised, patched-up, and out cold. Standing next to both was a woman in middle age, in a standard nurse's uniform, and a face without and expression.
   "He'll be awake in a couple of hours," she stated in a monotone, "You can stay here if you want. I'm going on my gin break."
   "Isn't it coffee break or lunch break?" asked Rei.
   "Call it whatever the hell you want, I'm outta here either way." the nurse said, exiting the room. Rei just stared blankly out the door, but soon snapped out of it and was back to facing her boyfriend.
   "Kensuke, I know you probably can't hear me, and maybe that's a good thing," she started, taking his limp hand, "Because what I'm about to say would probably break your heart in person. You see, Kensuke-kun...I'm still in love with Asuka and Shinji. I just can't get over either of them...It's like I share a bond with them."
   Kensuke just laid there, lifeless.
   "I know, it will hurt, but I must try to be with them, no matter what it takes. Even if I am involved in a three-person relationship with them, I'll still be happy," she continued, tearing up, "But I don't want to leave you like this...I need to tell you whenever I can, and hope that you'll understand."
   The young man still did nothing, but sat there, unconscious.
   "Oh Kensuke, I know you'll be heartbroken!" she shouted dramatically, holding his hand tightly in both of hers, "But you'll move on, trust me! I hope you'll wish me well on my quest to make my dreams of being with Asuka, or if not her, Shinji, come true! Who knows? Maybe I'll find someone great for you along the way!"
   The young man, still without any movement, laid there in total silence.
   "I'm sorry, Kensuke...I guess I just got too emotional. I really do love you, it's just that...I love Asuka, too. I guess I need to choose between the both of you, and not use you to find out who I really want. I'm sorry, Kensuke-kun...Can you ever forgive me?"
   Still no reply from the silent one.
   "I just need some time to think...I'll come back later, my love." Rei finished, kissing him on his forehead. As she exited the room, Kensuke slowly opened one eye to make sure she had left. After he had confirmed this, he sat up, smiled, and rubbed the spot on his forehead where Rei's lips had been.
   "Damn, I'm in love with a confused bisexual girl," he started, smiling, "Ikari and Hokari...uh, I mean Touji...won't ever believe this!"
   Alas, if only life were so perfect for our pilots and their friends.
   In another part of the city, chaos was widespread. People were panicking in the streets. Stores were left unattended by their fleeing owners. Even people that bore signs of impending doom had left them behind, scattering away from the city. Citizens screamed in horror as a large shadow engulfed the area.
   Standing now at the same height as an Evangelion, a familiar red-eyed boy with gray hair appeared, wearing a purple suit with a pink triangle symbol on his chest. He cackled senselessly as he smashed buildings with his fists, and destroyed others with energy bolts.
   "Status report!" shouted Fuyutsuki from his position at Supreme Commander Ikari's side.
   "Sir, there appears to be some heavy activity going on in the downtown area! Blue pattern confirmed!" shouted Ibuki in response.
   "Visual confirmation achieved! Sending image to main screen!" shouted Aoba as an image of Nagisa Karou, complete with purple tights, appeared on the main screen.
   "Ye Gods..." muttered the second-in-command.
   "Holy shit..." stated a shocked Gendou, an uncharacteristic expression or worry and fear on his face.
   "Wait, we have some audio coming in from the scene!" Hyuga shouted, adding to the stereotype that all subordinate-type officers shout in an emergency.
   "Where are you my little Shinji-kun?" asked Karou in the transmission, "Your Karou-kun is here to play with you..."
   All five just stood there in silence. Maya started to cry for no reason at all. Hyuga and Aoba gave each other blank stares. Fuyutsuki reached for his 'old friend' from a hidden location, and proceeded to pour out a shot of scotch, only to drink the rest of the bottle down in the same amount of time.
   Only Gendou spoke, as he reached into his coat pocket. "I picked the wrong week to give up smoking," he said aloud as he lit up a cigarette, and proceeded to puff on it until smoke came out of his ears. "Ibuki, call the Major and the Lieutenant and tell them to report here at once."
   "Right away, sir." she replied, her tears ending as quickly and meaninglessly as they began.

   "What do you mean, 'an UHO'?" shouted Starks as he lowered his binoculars, "I never even heard of such a thing!"
   "Um, Lieutenant, an unidentified...um, homosexual object." slowly came a reply from Ibuki from the other line.
   "You mean Nagisa's here?!?" he said esthetically, shocked at the news.
   "Yes. You and the Major are to report here immediately. Ibuki out."
   "Damnit!" shouted the NERV Security agent as he folded his cell phone and placed it in his pocket. He then turned to face the interior of the car, and said, "Major, we're needed at the base."
   "Figures." she simply replied. Suddenly, the car shook violently, but stopped as Misato, a little disheveled, exited the back seat. Starks looked up from his watch, and smiled.
   "Five-point-two seconds. You're gettin' better at that." came his response to her presence, as he opened up the passenger door for her.
   "When you've done things like that with a certain other person too many times..." the woman started, but stopped and smiled at the sight of her fellow officer opening the door for her. "No thanks," she started, quickly grabbing the keys from his pocket, "I'm driving."
   "But-" started Starks, but as soon as he tried to say anything, Major Katsuragi had gotten in the driver's seat. Admitting defeat, he simply sat in the passenger seat of his car while someone else had the wheel.
   "Hold on, or else you'll see your life flash before your eyes!" a glee-filled Misato said as she put the pedal to the floor and went from zero to one hundred in half a second.
   At least that's what Starks could make out from the now-broken speedometer.
   "How about some good ol' music?" the Major asked as she turned on the handy CD player in Starks' car. Suddenly, "Bad Habit" by the Offspring started to blare from the car's stereo system as the car skid by another stop light.
   "Is this legal? Are we allowed to do this?" constantly asked the Lieutenant as his companion's face showed a half-serious, half-overjoyed expression. Even though he had been ranked number one of all the security agents, even though he was being considered for promotion into the command branches of NERV, and even though he lived through whatever the hell happened in the last fic, Starks was still not ready for the kamikaze-esque driving of Major Katsuragi Misato.
   Yet, in another part of the city, a school day was winding down to a close. The headmaster, noticing the scene several hours after it occurred, had called in a building inspector. Soon after, all the students had been forced outside of the school, and given the rest of the day off.
   "Asuka," Shinji said to the redhead he was walking with, "It's a beautiful day today. Why not go for a stroll in the park, my love? It'd be a nice way to spend some of our extra time together."
   "Shinji..." replied a stunned Asuka, "If I'd known you'd be so thoughtful in the first place, I wouldn't have been so rotten to you when we first met."
   "You weren't rotten, Asuka..." said a sympathetic Shinji as he put an arm around the girl.
   "Yeah, you were a demon, a big, loud, fiery demon." commented Touji, as he walked up next to the two.
   "Why you little..." shouted Asuka, reluctantly holding back her anger as her face turned a bright red. Soon, her fist shook in the air in front of Touji's face, as she gritted her teeth in sheer anger, "If it wasn't for your girlfriend being my best friend, I'd..."
   "But I was only-"
   "Touji, maybe you should just go off some other place right now," Shinji said, holding back Asuka from killing him, "Now isn't the time for comments."
   "But it was just a-"
   "Touji!" shouted Hikari from behind the young man the name belonged to, "I've been looking all over for you, and here I find you hassling my best friend! How dare you!"
   "Why won't you let me-"
   "My friends," said Rei as she walked up to the group, "It appears that there is activity going on inside the city. We need to find Major Katsuragi."
   "Can't I just explain-"
   "Good thinking, Rei! She's probably at...uh, you-know-where...so we'd better hurry and get there!" said Asuka, instantly removing any trace of anger from her mind. She instantly grabbed both Shinji and Rei, and took off running in the direction of NERV headquarters.
   "What about the-"
   "C'mon, Touji, if there's something happening in the city, then we'd better get to a shelter right away." Hikari told her boyfriend, taking his arm and walking away.
   "I feel ignored." he simply stated, giving up on his crusade to speak.

   "Sir, the Major and the Lieutenant have arrived!" shouted Aoba as the two entered the control room.
   "Excellent." stated Commander Ikari, sitting in the standard 'somewhat- maniacal-genious-that-wants-to-ressurect-his-lost-love-by-building-giant-organic-robots- and-creating-the-third-impact-by-battling-things-called-angels-and-merging-an-organic- robot-with-what-is-thought-to-be-the-mother-of-life' pose.
   "Have we received any other contact from the angel?" asked the Major as she assumed her usual standing position in the area.
   "Negative," started Ibuki, but a beeping noise interrupted, and soon she became esthetic, "Wait! We've just received some new footage of it!"
   The room remained silent as the image of Nagisa Karou, still bearing the same purple tights, was shown on the main screen. He had been destroying some skyscrapers, knocking over cars, and robbed every fashion store in the area.
   "Oh my sweet little Shinji-kun, where for art thou?" asked Karou as he knocked over another building, "Your hunk of Karou is here, just waiting..." The screen then went blank. Maya started to cry again, as Hyuga and Aoba proceeded to get out some airline-style paper bags, with the words 'NERV Brand Upheaval Bags' printed clearly on them.
   "I picked the wrong week to give up drinkin'." said Gendou nervously as he took down the shot remaining from Fuyutsuki's previous drink, and got out his own bottle of scotch.
   "Need...more...booze..." the Co-Commander said as he pulled out another bottle of liquor, this time vodka, from the same place he had gotten the alcohol from last time. He put the entire bottle down in a shot, and soon was searching for another bottle.
   "Y'know, he is kinda cute..." commented the Major, smiling.
   Everyone in the room proceeded to give the woman a blank stare.
   "Sempai!!!" cried Ibuki Maya as she ran out of the room, holding her face in her hands.
   "I was just joking, geez!" Misato defended herself as something beeped once more in the background. Instantly, the Lieutenant ran over and answered whatever it was that had been beeping.
   "Sir, we have confirmation that the pilots have arrived." Starks calmly said to the Commander, but yet got no response.
   "Lieutenant," Aoba started, leaning over, "Nothing will happen unless you shout out whatever happened. Gendou's a real drama nut."
   "Got it," replied Starks, before taking a deep breath, then shouting, "Sir! We have confirmation that the pilots are getting ready for combat!"
   "Good. It's about time they showed up," said a half-drunken Gendou, staggering a little as he walked to get a better look at the main screen, "Oh, and send somebody out to get some more straight liquor." he finished as he tossed a fifth empty bottle of scotch in a pile next to the trash can containing seven empty cartons of cigarettes.
   With those words, Aoba and Hyuga turned to each other, a huge grin growing on their faces, as they shouted in unison, "BEER RUN!!!", and rapidly left the control room to do as the Supreme Commander ordered.
   While the events in the control room were transpiring, in the locker rooms, something else was going on all-together different. While the shade between the male and female sections of the changing rooms was usually closed, for some reason in the middle of this crisis, a certain someone couldn't restrain herself from doing something risqu�.
   "Shinji-kun?" asked Asuka softly from the doorway between the two sections, holding her plugsuit, still folded neatly, "Can I come in?"
   "Asuka-chan? Now?" asked a shocked Shinji from the lockers, face red as the girl's plugsuit.
   "Yes," she simply replied, placing her plugsuit on a nearby bench, then slowly undoing the ribbon and dress she wore, "Shinji-kun, I know that it's him out there, out to steal you away from me. But my love, I can't let that happen...Not after all that has gone on between us."
   "Asuka...What are you trying to tell me?" he replied slowly, seeing the girl's dress fall onto the floor, and her hands already working on her shirt.
   "She's trying to tell you that she wants to make love to you, just so that she can make sure the love is still alive between you two." stated Rei from the female section, clearly overhearing the entire conversation.
   "Yes, that's right, Rei," said Asuka as her white shirt fell to the floor, as she approached the young man, only in his underwear, and soon undid the bra which had been the only thing keeping the blood vessels in Shinji's face from bursting. She threw her arms around him, pressing her body against his, and looked into his dark gray eyes. "My sweet Shinji-kun, please...Show me that I'm the only one for you."
   Slowly, the young man smiled, and pressed his lips against Asuka's in a kiss so beautiful that it would make an angel change from a destructive maniac to a kind-hearted poet. A kiss so sweet, that it'd make any non-believer in love change his or her ways, and become a romance novelist. A kiss so loving and warm, it'd make Gendou himself change from a cold-hearted villain to a cool-hearted scoundrel.
   "Oh Shinji, please touch me there again!" gleefully shouted Asuka, a large smile on her face.
   "But I didn't even move my hands..." replied Shinji, who had noticed something, or rather someone, hiding behind Asuka.
   "Doesn't that feel good, Asuka-chan?" said Rei, at the same stage of undress as Asuka, quickly shifting her hands from wherever they had been to Asuka's waist.
   "You're right, it does..." said Asuka, suddenly pleased.
   "You...you...HENTAI!" Shinji shouted at the red-eyed girl, turning Asuka around to face the girl, "How dare you try to put the moves on my sweet Asuka!"
   "I'm sorry," Rei stated, red with embarrassment, "I guess seeing her practically naked lit the spark I have for the angel." Soon, she left for the other section, closing the shade behind her.
   "Are you okay, my Asuka?"
   "Oh yeah," Asuka said as she smiled seductively, "But now I'm definitely in the mood..." she finished, placing her hands at her hips, but were soon held by Shinji. He had a smile on his face, but he was shaking his head nonetheless.
   "Asuka, we have a world to save. We can't be selfish and just do what we want," he said, turning the opposite way and handing her the red plugsuit, "Now let's hurry and change so we can get this over with."
   The redhead simply nodded somberly, as she, too, turned in the opposite direction, quickly changing. However, as she compressed the suit, she felt a gloved hand being placed on her shoulder. She turned around to find the prepared Shinji, smiling.
   "I love you, my Asuka-chan. Never forget that." he said, giving her a quick kiss on her soft cheek.
   "I'll love you forever, my Shinji-kun. And I won't." she replied, looking into his eyes. Soon, both had exited for their Evangelions, leaving their clothes scattered all over the room.
   "We have a smart, strong lad on our hands, Misato-chan." whispered Max to the woman he loved, as he switched his monitor that displayed the locker room feed off.
   "He'll be a truly great man someday," replied the Major, smiling sweetly at the Lieutenant, "Just like you, my Max-kun."
   "I'll never get used to that phrase with my name." he stated, returning his lover's smile.
   "We have confirmation that there is beer and scotch in the facility!" the duo of Aoba and Hyuga shouted as they entered the control room, carrying a keg and packages of imported scotch.
   "Great! Just let me get the intercom on to tell-" Fuyutsuki started, but was interrupted by a pair of familiar voices coming over the PA.
   "Oh Sempai! I've never felt so goooooood..." screamed Ibuki Maya.
   "Oh, you'll feel even bet- Wait, I think we've flicked the switch on again!" shouted Dr. Akagi Ritsuko. Soon, the intercom had been turned off once more, and the room was silent.
   "I sure as hell picked the wrong month to quit keggers." Gendou said as he tapped the beer keg, drinking down the alcohol inside.
   "Need...more....scotch!" Fuyutsuki shouted as he scrambled to the packages of the liquor, nursing a bottle down quickly. However, before the effects of alcohol could take their toll, a stern voice arose from their midst.
   "All of you, get back to your posts, now!" shouted Starks, taking away the alcohol from the distraught men. Soon, he had found the controls to the intercom, and quickly opened a channel to the janitorial section of NERV. "Get some staff over to the PA room, ASAP!" he commanded.
   "Yessir!" the voice on the other line responded, as the Lieutenant closed the channel. By this time, everyone had sobered up in record time, and were back to monitoring the situation at hand. Soon after, an unkempt Ibuki entered, and resumed her post as well.
   "Sir," she shouted, "The Evangelions are ready for launch!"
   "Cue the theme music!" belted Gendou in return, as the usual timpani beats signaled the beginning of the battle.
   On the surface, the three Evas had already been deployed. Each one formed an endpoint of a triangle the surrounded...
   "Is it still surrounded if it's a triangle that's confining them?" asked Kensuke, standing conveniently on the corner of a city block. Suddenly, a huge amount of rubble collapsed onto the helpless boy, engulfing him entirely.
   Somewhere, someone grinned, knowing that no one can question him.
   "Oh my God! They killed Kensuke!" shouted Shinji from Unit 01.
   "You bastards!" screamed Rei from 00.
   "How weird that he just suddenly died like that...What were his last words?" asked Asuka from Unit 02.
   "Nevermind that right now," came Gendou's voice from the communication frequency, "Just surround and destroy the angel."
   "Yessir." all three replied, moving in on their target. Soon, the giant form of Nagisa Karou could be seen, and from the look on the faces of the pilots, with the exception of the always-indifferent Ayanami Rei, it might as well have been Pauly Shore. Nothing, to either Asuka nor Shinji, could be as bad as what stood before them.
   "Shinji-kun! I knew you'd come!" screamed an overjoyed Karou as he ran over to hug the Evangelion, but was stopped by a punch to the gut from a quick-footed Asuka.
   "You won't steal my Shinji-kun away from me, you cheap whore!" she shouted, giving him a high-kick to the lower mandible.
   The angel quickly recovered, and punched the red Unit 02 in the chest, shouting "You take that back, you slut!"
   "Slut? It' obvious you're the hooker out of us!" Asuka screamed back, giving the angel an uppercut that knocked out a few teeth. However, Nagisa returned with a right hook to the side of the Evangelion's head, which took a few moments to recover from. Just as Karou went in to do some more damage, he received a blow to the head from the blue Unit 00, then a sock to the gut from the purple Unit 01.
   "You leave my Asuka-chan alone!" both pilots shouted in unison.
   "You mean....You both love her?" Nagisa stammered as he arose slowly.
   "Yes." both replied.
   "Then I see where my problem lies..." he said as white light engulfed his body. His form changed slightly, as long, silver hair emerged from atop the figure's head. Soon, a beautiful face, much like that of Asuka's, revealed itself, only with green eyes instead of blue. As the light started to move downwards, the form of a beautiful young woman, dressed in the attire of a heroine of another very popular anime series, until finally it ended, with Karou a changed man...or rather, woman. "This is my true form, my Shinji-kun," she started in a sweet voice, "How do I look?"
   "Amazing." stated Shinji.
   "Gorgeous." stated Rei.
   "I sure picked the wrong day to give up lightin' up," Gendou said as he lit a joint the size that has only been seen in Cheech & Chong movies, "The wrong day..." he trailed off as he took a gigantic puff of the joint.
   "Gimme another bottle o' scotch, will ya?" Fuyutsuki drunkenly said as he tossed his eighth empty bottle onto the pile, next to a bag of unwrapped marijuana. Someone tossed another bottle up to him, and he amazingly caught it, stumbling a little afterwards.
   "Whoah, man," said a high Gendou, "Can you do that again?"
   However, back on the battle scene, things were far from being like the antics that occurred on the bridge of the base. A beautiful, female Sailor Nagisa stood before the three Evangelions, looking directly at Shinji and Unit 01.
   "I didn't expect to fall for you, my Shinji-kun," she started to say, advancing towards him, "I came originally for Asuka. But when I saw you, I just couldn't help but love you. So here I am, standing before you now, in my true form, and begging for your forgiveness, maybe even some love." she concluded, now holding her arms around the purple Evangelion, looking into its yellow eyes.
   "True form my Shinji-loving ass! You're still a guy, I know it!" shouted Asuka as she ripped the angel from Unit 01, and performed the Berlin Ball Buster once more on Nagisa. The angel bent over in pain, eyes bulging, and face going ghostly white. The angel abruptly changed to the real form of Nagisa, now bearing the purple suit once more.
   "Oh God..." said Shinji and every male staff member of NERV simultaneously.
   "I certainly picked the wrong week to quit painkillers," said Gendou as he downed a whole bottle, followed by some green NyQuil. A large grin appeared on his face as he started to skip all over the place, flailing his arms in the air, singing "La la la, I'm a happy bumblebee..."
   Fuyutsuki, holding his eleventh empty bottle of scotch and now as sober as the day he was born, quickly brought the bottle over his head and brought it down upon the Supreme Commander's head.
   "I feel all tingly." said Ikari as he fell over, knocked out cold. Everyone in the control room looked blankly at Fuyutsuki. Moments after, Starks and Misato started to applaud him, with everyone else following suit soon after.
   "Thank you, thank you." came the reply from the second-in-command, as he bowed repeatedly.
   Back on the scene, Nagisa had managed to stand up, despite his pain, and keep all three Evangelions at bay. "Please, don't do that anymore, Asuka. You won't stop me by doing that."
   "Who says?" Asuka shouted, rearing back to get ready for another delivery, but Shinji's Eva held her back.
   "I'm the only one that can destroy him, my love," he said somberly, drawing his dagger, "Right, Karou?"
   "Yes, Ikari Shinji," he replied, standing erect, and placing his arms at his sides. He smiled somewhat, looking directly at Unit 01, "In an unspeakably predictable non-twist of events, you, the sweet, caring young man that wouldn't hurt anybody, has to put an end to my life, an angel whose only goal was love...The love of a young man that has to kill him. It's a vicious cycle used over-and-over-again, don't you see? Who knows? You may have to do this again someday, being how the idea of you killing me is only original once and easily milked..."
   "Respect my authoritah!" shouted the now-present Author, appearing as a giant mobile suit, yellow and black in color, with two blazing blue eyes, "Now you shall pay for disgracing the fanfic author trade!" he shouted, producing a giant energy saber, also thinking why the hell he was referring to himself in the third person in his own work.
   "Die, you self-insertion piece of garbage!" shouted Nagisa in return, producing his own energy blade, taking a defensive stance.
   "I bet no one thought this would happen." said Misato to Starks, who nodded in return.
   "I picked the wrong week to quit snortin' coke," said a now-conscious Supreme Commander as he sorted and drew out the white powder, then inhaling it all at once. Suddenly, his pupils became dilated, as he smiled, showing all of his teeth. "This shit is goooooooooooooooood..." he said, staring into space.
   "You'll pay for your self-insertion, Author!" shouted Nagisa, thrusting his blade towards the Author. He dodged, and proceeded to make contact with his arm, but only enough to leave a large cut.
   "It takes more than a deranged angel with no appreciation for satire to stop me from my crusade!" the being shouted, making contact with Karou's face by means of a left hook to the jaw. Soon, the Author had knocked the blade from Nagisa's hand, and held the angel at swordpoint.
   "Go ahead, destroy me. See where it gets you." he said, laughing maniacally.
   "Nay, I shall not end your existence," said the Author, returning his blade from whence it came, "I shall give you a much, much more harsh punishment. Come with me, so that I may deliver it upon you...or rather, you upon it."
   With this, both beings disappeared from existence in a flash of blue light.
   "Ahhh! It's gonna kill us all!" screamed Gendou as he ran in terror from his post, tripping and falling down the very high position where his position was. As he disappeared from view, a large crashing noise was heard, followed by a weak, "I'm fine, man...My head broke my fall."
   "I think we won't being hearing from him in quite a while." Fuyutsuki said to the others, looking over the edge. Many shook their heads in agreement, while others continued to look over for any sign of the Supreme Commander. However, two individuals didn't do either.
   "Max..." Misato said seductively, walking towards her love, "Let's go. I think we have some unfinished business to take care of..."
   "Misato-chan, you never give up, do you?" Starks replied sarcastically, as he wrapped his arm around the woman, walking out of the control room, and out of the headquarters, to Starks's car, both smiling as they left.

   "Shinji-kun," Asuka said to her love as they laid in his bed together, "Do you think we'll ever..."
   "When the time comes, my Asuka-chan," he replied, kissing her forehead, "But for right now, and probably forever, just being in love with each other is just as good as making love to each other."
   "But what about Rei? She still wants to be with me. And what if Karou comes ba-"
   "Ssssshhh," whispered Shinji as he silenced Asuka by placing one finger over her lips, "Let's not worry about that now. I'm sure whoever it was that took him away has every intent to keep him from ruining our love."
   "But this 'Author'...didn't he originally have the intent of having Rei and I end up together?" she asked, worried.
   "Not us," he reassured her, "Maybe in another world, with another Rei, and another Asuka, yes, but not us." He then leaned over, and kissed the angelic girl, slowly embracing, as the sounds of 'Fly Me to the Moon' played softly in the background, leading into 'She's an Angel' by They Might Be Giants.
   However, in another dimension, in another time and place, something horrible was brewing for the fate of the angel known as Nagisa Karou. He screamed as the lights dimmed once more in the room he was in. The angel tried to break his chains as the room grew entirely dark, without a single trace of light.
   "Now, it's time for some more punishment, Nagisa Karou," bellowed the deep voice of the Author as it echoed throughout the large room.
   "What do you want from me?" he screamed, looking upwards, "I didn't do anything to harm you!"
   "Yes you did, you questioned my reasoning," he bellowed in response, "And you've tried to destroy one of two ideal pairings that I feel exist; Asuka and Shinji deserve each other, and deserve the love they receive from the other. You had no right to barge in on them, and try to tear them apart."
   "What are you, Sailor Moon?!?" the angel shouted, angered, "And who's this 'other pairing'? It cannot possibly be Rei and Shinji, for they are born of the same seed!"
   "Silence! Now you shall suffer for an eternity by forever watching repeats of Pok�mon, Oprah, and Book TV on C-Span 2, whilst listening to Backstreet Boys, Brittany Spears, and of course, Eiffel 65!" the Author shouted, his voice echoing in the room as the movie screen started to display the opening credits of Oprah.
   "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! KILL ME, KILL ME NOW!!!" screamed Nagisa Karou in pain, as he tried to strangle himself with chained arms. However, he could never do so, because the chains were too short for his arms to move anywhere near his face.
   "Oh, the Author probably forgave him by now." said Asuka to Shinji as they slowly fell asleep in each other's arms, the moonlight shining in from the open window, as 'Fly Me to the Moon' played once again, only in was just the music, as the sleepy redhead sung the words to her love. Soon, both had fallen asleep, as the moon watched on, in its full, radiant glory.

-fin

Okay, it's done. It's crappy, it has satire of loads of craps subtly, and it has references to one of the funniest movies ever made, "Airplane!". The 'ideal pairings' thing also foreshadows my next work, a separate piece of work from the current series...

Oh, and I told you the "Oh my God! They killed Kensuke!", "You bastards!" thing would return.

-Roy "I need a cool list of quotes to pick some quotable quotes from so people can quote me on quotes I quoted from other quoted people that may have used quotes of other quotable people" Whitford