Maya held wedding catalogues in her arms and proclaimed, "Nothing can stop Sempai and me now."
Gendo woke up in the hospital with a crazed look on his face.
"Oh, Sempai, um. . ."
"Yes, Maya."
"I was just wondering what we should wear?"
"Wear?"
"Dresses or suits? Or does one dress in a suit and the other in a dress?"
"How about we both wear dresses? That would be prettier, don't you think?"
Maya clasps her hands with joy. "Oh, let me choose your dress!"
"I'll leave most of the decisions to you, Maya."
"Um, who shall we invite?"
"Everyone at work, I suppose. I'll invite my grandmother. How are your parents talking all of this?"
"My mother has resigned herself, but I can't really say about my father."
"We'll invite them both, if they don't show, it's their decision."
"Of course, we'll have to make an announcement at work.
"Yes, we should." Ritsuko sighs.
Reactions at work varied tremendously.
"Eh, Ritsuko, I didn't know you were like that. When did you find out?" says Misato. "Keeping such a big secret from your best friend . . . Oh, I need a beer."
Kaji suddenly has fantasies of . . . Well never mind. Misato smacks him on the head, knowing exactly what's on his mind.
Shigeru weeps, "I never had a chance."
Makoto leaps about for joy. "Yes, I am vindicated."
Rei says nothing.
Shinji says, "She is? I didn't know that."
Asuka rolls her eyes and says, "Anta baka, it's so obvious. To top it off, they're having a wedding. Isn't this all a little hentai?"
Fuyutsuki sighs and says, "I congratulate the both of you. Where will you be registering?"
Ritsuko and Maya sigh in relief. "Looks like reactions have been very favorable, considering," says Ritsuko.
"Yes."
Gendo walks up to Ritsuko. Ritsuko turns a deathly white.
"Ikari-shirei, I didn't know you were out of the hospital."
"Akagi Ritsuko." The light from his sunglasses hide his expression.
"Yes," says Ritsuko, standing in front of Maya.
Gendo drops to his knees, and wails, "Please, please take me back."
"Say what?" scream both the women.
"You can't possibly want that butch little thing."
Ritsuko starts to sweatdrop. "Gendo, I bit you so hard you went to the hospital."
"Nobody else wants anything to do with me. They think I'm evil."
"You are evil. I'm sure there are stitches down there."
"Yes, leave Sempai alone!"
Gendo regains a little of his composure and says, "Your troubles have just begun" then begins to weep again. Both women, disgusted by his behavior, leave the room.
Maya is vacuuming the apartment when the phone rings.
"Maya? We've gotten the wedding invitation."
"Yes, mother."
"Your father has joined a strange Christianity based cult that believes it can exorcise the eeeeeevil presence of the old hag from your body."
"Mom!"
"I think what your father's doing is nonsense."
"I'm so glad."
"Shinto can do the trick."
Maya hangs up.
"Grandmother."
"Yes, Ritsuko."
"I'm about to get married."
"To who?"
"Maya Ibuki."
"Oh, thank God. I thought you were going to say Gendo Ikari." Ritsuko's grandmother fans herself in relief. She is a thin stick of a balding woman with a walker, but none of the marbles in her head are cracked, if you know what I mean.
"Thank you, grandmother."
"Now, I'll have to find my good dentures."
Meanwhile, Misato and Kaji were looking around downtown Tokyo. "We simply have to find them the perfect wedding gift. Hmmm, what do you get two lesbian computer junkies? I could get them an espresso machine." Then she sighs, "I hate buying wedding presents, I also have to buy a dress and matching shoes. Damn."
"Well, how about this little shop I know of that sells edible. . ."
Misato smacks him on the head.
"Yes, I'd like to reserve the little chapel right near Tokyo-3. Yes, charge it to my NERV card." Then Maya hangs up, then looks at her twenty page list. "OK, I've taken care of the catering, the dresses, the invites, the champagne, oh, I hope Misato doesn't vomit right in the middle of everything. Hmmm, I've got the justice of the peace, the rented furniture." Maya quickly checks off everything on her list. "I keep thinking I'm forgetting something."
The phone rings a few times before the answering machine picks up. The voice on the answering machine says, "Ritsuko, it's me Gendo. I forgive you, just move in with me. Later."
Maya then scribbles another item on her list. Kill Gendo.
The wedding went as many weddings do. Ritsuko's grandmother is prodded awake as the march starts. Maya's mother cries for many, many reasons. Shinji is very uncomfortable sitting right in between Rei and Asuka, but not for the reason you think. Rei keeps eyeing Asuka and muttering if becoming one with Asuka would be any fun while Asuka keeps using him as a human shield to keep Rei the hell away from her. "Ahhhhh, Rei's a total hentai," shrieks Asuka. "Shinji, be a man and do something!"
"Ah, gomen."
Most of the attendees are NERV members with a few people from Shinji's school. though members of the local Takarazuka fan club are also there. (Takarazuka is a revue where women play the female and male parts for stage shows for a primarly female audience.)
Instead of the usual wedding march, the instrumental version of "Forever Love" from the movie X is played. Maya is accompanied by her father (who, by the way, rolls his eyes and looks constipated at the same time) while Ritsuko is accompanied by Kaji Ryouji (who is sporting a shiner from thinking too many hentai thoughts in the presence of Misato) down the aisle. They look lovely in their white gowns with Ritsuko wearing a slinky, body clinging number while Maya chooses a more innocent country girl sort of dress. Everybody coos and starts snapping photos. Kensuke pulls out his videotape, saying, "Uh, waaaah, nobody's going to believe this unless I tape it."
Touji sighs and says, "I can't wait until we get to eat."
"Suzuhara, I can't believe you. At a time like this, and all you can think about is food." scolded Hikari.
"Incho!"
Misato folds her arms, looking very cross. "I can't believe she got married before me. Kaji and I must have a talk."
A short traditional ceremony is done and both women reply, "I do."
The justice of the peace says, "I now pronounce you wife and wife."
Then right as they are about to kiss, there's a banging on the glass door. Gendo is yelling, "Ritsuko, Ritsuko, Ritsuko!"
The women turn to each other.
"Sempai."
"Maya."
"Let's go."
Both pick up their matching white miniature positronic rifles and fire at the cretin.
When the dust clears, however, Gendo is still standing since he implanted Adam into his palm, which protects him. Gendo laughs in triumph and walks forward into the church. Then the top of the church is ripped off by a berserk Eva-01, which picks up Gendo. Gendo screams but is quickly gulped down by the angry Eva-01, Monty Python Style. Then it burps while covering its mouth.
"All right, Mom!" yells Shinji. The wedding party stands up and cheers like it's a football game.
"Yui!" cries out Fuyutsuki. "At last you've seen the light!"
The Eva closes its eyes, flashes a smile and does a little wave at Shinji then runs off back to base. Maya weeps and says, "Oh, Sempai, that was the best wedding present I could ever have hoped for!" Ritsuko also has tears of joy in her eyes.
Ritsuko and Maya then throw their bouquets in the air. One is caught by a dumbfounded Shinji. Asuka, Rei and Misato all rush for the other bouquet. Guns are fired, an AT field is activated and red hair flies. While the women are perilously close to committing homicide over a bunch of flowers, Nagisa Kaoru sidles up to Shinji and says, "Will you be my bride?" Shinji blushes and says. . .
THE END