Disclaimer: Characters from Neon Genesis Evangelion have 
been used without permission. They aren't mine and I'm not 
making any money off them, but you ought to know that, 
right?

Warning: This story contains female/female undertones in 
case you don't stomach that kind of thing. 

======

Tell me who you love
Part 4 and Conclusion
----
Ka-Wing Tam

A Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfic

======

Akagi Ritsuko was a riddle of a woman. Sharp, professional, 
intelligent and curt, she wasn't exactly a personality 
charmer, but she could captivate you all the same, with her 
amazing ability and her broad knowledge of almost 
everything scientific. She was the most intelligent person 
I knew, and also the most distant. She kept an impenetrable 
wall around her, at work and at home. The only thing that 
could bring a smile to her face was talking about her cats. 
She was careful enough to conceal her affection for the 
Commander, of course, but because of this she had to wear a 
perpetual mask of impassiveness and coolness to hide her 
sadness. I wanted so much to be the person to bring 
happiness to her.

These days Sempai seemed rather out of sorts. It would take 
several tries before one could get her attention, and then 
her mind would keep wandering. It was most annoying. She 
was distracted by the tiniest things and nothing could hold 
her attention for long. Then again, it was understandable. 
After Shinji's extraction from the entry plug, Asuka's mind 
rape and Rei's death, and dealing with a berserk EVA-01, a 
virtually pilotless EVA-02 and a destructed EVA-00, 
everybody was tired to the core. 

Commander Ikari had become even harsher and more demanding. 
Everyone stayed out of his way whenever possible to escape 
his sudden and unfounded fits of rage. And Sempai would 
stare at him with bloodshot eyes and her lower lip would 
tremble ever so slightly, almost as if saying, Everything I 
do is for you: Why do you treat me like this? Why do you 
treat me no different from the others?

I wanted to tell her, I can be the person you want! I don't 
have to be a man to bring you happiness. Just as long as 
we're both human beings, I can love you. I'd do anything 
for you... I'd love you, because I want to, and because I 
do, more than anything in the world.

======

"What?!" I almost shrieked. 

"She's in solitary confinement," Makoto repeated, frowning. 
"Not so loud."

"But--what for?" I scowled but lowered my voice all the 
same. I couldn't believe my ears. Not Sempai. "What did she 
do?"

"It's all hush-hush you see, so this is strictly 
unofficial," Makoto said seriously, putting a finger to his 
lips. "It's... the dummy plug system. I always knew it 
meant bad news."

"The dummy plugs?" I looked at him blankly. "What about 
them?"

"You know more about the dummy plugs than both of us put 
together," Shigeru pointed out. "You were the one who 
worked with Dr. Akagi the most."

Makoto cleared his throat. "Dr. Akagi... she destroyed them 
all." I didn't say anything, so Makoto continued, 
"Technically, the specifics of the dummy project, and 
anything related to it, are classified information. Top 
secret. Misato - Major Katsuragi and I have been... looking 
around, shall we say, and we've managed to uncover some 
information. Dr. Akagi is being confined on Level 17 Block 
NE2. No unauthorized visitors allowed."

"Where they keep the criminal offenders," mused Shigeru, 
whistling. 

Makoto continued, "She is currently being held for 
intentional vandalism of NERV property, but the initial 
charge against her was multiple counts of murder in the 
first degree--"

"You've GOT to be kidding." I stood up and my chair nearly 
toppled over.

"Sit down, Maya." Shigeru put a hand on my arm and slowly 
guided me back down to my seat. "What's done is done."

My hands were shaking, and I pushed them in my lap in an 
effort to stop them. "I can't believe it. I can't believe 
it! This is insane!"

Shigeru and Makoto exchanged glances above my head, and 
Makoto stood up. "I'm really sorry about what happened too, 
but it can't be helped." He sighed, running his hand 
through his hair. "I have a meeting with someone now, so I 
need to run. If I have any more news about it, I'll let you 
guys know as soon as possible, okay? Cheer up, Maya. It's 
not as bad as it seems." Shigeru nodded him goodbye, and he 
left the room. I didn't even look up.

Shigeru nodded, then pulled his chair next to mine and put 
an arm around me. 

"Don't worry about it," he said. "She's safe for the time 
being."

"I don't understand," I said, confused, the world swimming 
before my eyes. "I don't get it. Why'd she do it?" I looked 
up and met Shigeru's eyes. 

"Do you want to ask her yourself?" he said, smiling kindly. 

My face must have shown my confusion.

"One of the guards on Level 17 is a friend of mine. He's 
not really hard to please - enjoys a fine bottle of cognac 
or two every now and then. It's been a while since I've 
seen him, and I was thinking that it's about time I went to 
see how he's been. His shift is from midnight to early 
morning, has Wednesdays off. I'll probably go drop in on 
him tomorrow, and we'll just go wander off into some corner 
to catch up on old times, have a drink or two, just me and 
him. What do you say? Do you want to come along?"

It took a while for it to sink in, and when it finally 
dawned on me, I was speechless. 

"No visitors allowed," I protested weakly. "We could get 
into very big trouble." That was a severe understatement.

"I'll see that we won't," smiled Shigeru, winking at me, 
and stood up to leave. 

"But... but..." So many things I wanted to ask. "How did 
you know?"

He turned around. "Hmm? How did I know what?"

I whispered, "That I wanted to see her."

He walked back and knelt in front of me, putting his hands 
on my shoulders. "I just knew." He pulled me close and 
kissed the top of my head. "I understand, Maya."

What did he mean? What did he mean?

Oh my God, he _knew_. 

How had he guessed? Had he seen the way I looked at her? 
Had I accidentally let it slip one day? 

I couldn't hold the tears in anymore. "Why are you helping 
me? Don't you think it's... I'm..."

"I understand, Maya," he repeated. He pulled me into a warm 
hug. "I'm helping you because you're my friend ... and I 
understand you perfectly because you're the same as me."

My eyes widened. Good, kind Shigeru. 

"Thank you," I whispered.

He let go of me, and grinned. "See you tomorrow after your 
shift's over, then. 11:54pm sharp. And don't forget to 
bring the cognac."

======

It was cool and quiet in the dark corridors, the only sound 
being their short tapping footsteps.

"Keep it quiet. I think both of you know you're not 
supposed to be here."

I nodded dumbly and followed Shigeru and his guard friend 
as he led us toward the cell. 

So Shigeru was gay. That was certainly something to think 
about. No wonder he didn't have a girlfriend yet. I'd asked 
him about it, quietly, earlier in the day, and he'd laughed 
it off and said, with an overtly homosexual gesture, that 
it was none of my business. 

Was this guard one of his special 'friends?' I watched as 
Shigeru joked freely with his friend and casually put an 
arm around him. 

Stop staring like a yaoi fangirl, Maya, and get it 
together, I chided myself. 

I was feeling decidedly nervous. The bottle of cognac in my 
hands was starting to slip between my sweating palms. 

I'd spent the whole night thinking about what I was going 
to say and still couldn't come up with anything remotely 
satisfying. I ran through a few of them under my breath, 
seeing how they would sound on my tongue.

"It's not the end of the world, Sempai."

"If you need any help, I'll be here for you."

"Sempai, what were you thinking?"

Or, better yet, "Sempai, what the HELL were you thinking?"

Shigeru laughed, "What are you mumbling to yourself back 
there?" and I looked up in embarrassment.

Suddenly, we stopped walking, and to my surprise we were 
already there. Shigeru smiled at me, and held out his hand 
for the cognac, grinning, "I think I'll take that." I 
giggled and relinquished it. 

"This is it," said the guard. "You ready to go inside?"

I felt like panicking. I wasn't. My mouth was dry. "What am 
I going to say?" I looked to Shigeru for help.

"Just tell her the truth," he suggested. 

I looked at him, unable to say anything.

The guard pulled out a keycard and prepared to swipe it 
through.

What to say, Maya, what to say? Quickly, I rehearsed it in 
my mind. 

Sempai, I'm so sorry.

No, too patronizing.

Sempai, I'll be here for you, if you need me. If you need 
any help, or something, or just someone to talk to, I'll be 
here.

Better.

Akagi-sempai, I...

The metal door clanged open. "Visitor for you, Dr. Akagi," 
announced the guard to the darkness within. 

Ritsuko-sempai... Ritsuko... 

I'll tell you the truth. I'll tell you who I love.

======

End Part 4

Started some time September 2000
Revised and completed February 28 2001

Notes: Whew. This has been sitting in my harddisk for the 
longest time now, and I wanted to brush it up and finally 
post the thing. When I started it, it was originally meant 
to be a sequel to my first fanfic ever, Lights Out, which 
also features Ritsuko and Maya. Somewhere along the way it 
turned into a prequel, and somehow I never got around to 
completing it. This work slightly resembles an original fic 
I posted a couple of days ago - yes, I am still under the 
influence of that prior fic and can't quite seem to shake 
it off. I swear, this is the last first person POV fic I'm 
ever doing. I'm sort of pleased with how it turned out 
overall, it isn't what I was aiming for originally, but 
it'll do. Thanks to Rakna for last minute comments and 
encouragement. Ritsuko and Maya forever ^_^v