Disclaimer: Characters from Neon Genesis Evangelion have 
been used without permission. They aren't mine and I'm not 
making any money off them, but you ought to know that, 
right?

Warning: This story contains female/female undertones
in case you don't stomach that kind of thing. 

======

Tell me who you love
Part 2
----
By Ka-Wing Tam

A Neon Genesis Evangelion Fanfic

======

Sempai...

How do I feel about you?

The question haunted me all day and all afternoon. It was 
still with me when I got home from work that day, had 
dinner, showered, and prepared for bed. I stood in front of 
the mirror and told myself, I'm normal, I'm not like that, 
like I had been doing every night for the past month or so. 
But this time, unlike the other times, I was unable to 
convince myself.

I had never, ever, let myself think about it.

It wasn't right. It wasn't natural.

She was my boss.

I stared at my reflection and thought about what I saw. 

Maya. Ibuki Maya. Employee of NERV. Petite, small-framed, 
brunette.

I put my fingers lightly on top of my lips and imagined 
that it was Sempai touching me.

Then I slapped myself quickly. 

Ouch. 

Hentai! What were you thinking?

Still my thoughts drifted back to a certain blond 
scientist. 

How did she feel about Makoto? Or Shigeru?

Oh, wait, Makoto liked Major Katsuragi, not Dr. Akagi, and 
Shigeru, well, he likes _someone_ but won't say. But still, 
they're both men, and Sempai's a woman, probably a normal 
woman with normal... interests. So, whether she likes them 
or not, I still probably ... wouldn't stand a chance. 

In fact, she's definitely normal. I'm sure of it. Someone 
like Sempai shouldn't be queer like me.

But I'm not like that! Am I? 

My thoughts ran around in a tight muddle and tangled 
themselves into a lumpy mess, which was doing nothing for 
the way I was feeling. Feeling very frustrated and trying 
to suppress the urge to scream, I jumped up and threw 
myself on my bed, face down. 

This wasn't working. I hate lying on my stomach. I turned 
around and stared at the ceiling, my arm across my 
forehead.

All my life, I'd been normal. I liked frilly dresses and 
the colour pink and dressing up and playing with dolls. 
Sure, I'd gone to an all-girls' secondary school during the 
most critical years of my adolescence, when it _really_ 
mattered to mental development, but I'd had never shown 
signs of any ... abnormal preferences. I had the usual 
crushes on pop idols and movie stars and the science 
teacher and the cute guys who went to the school next to 
ours.

I never dated, even during college, had never found the 
time. My social life was not glamorous but it was adequate. 
I hung out with my own circle of friends, male and female 
alike, techies like me who weren't too big of a nerd and 
who also liked swimming and watching movies. I was assigned 
a random roommate my freshman year and roomed with her 
again the following year, but after that decided the 
benefits of having my own room outweighed what 
companionship a roommate could provide.

Shortly after graduation, I applied for a job at NERV and 
was accepted, transferred here and there until I was 
transferred to work under Dr. Akagi Ritsuko.

Shigeru, Makoto, the other technicians, my colleagues, they 
were great. Shigeru was even a little cute behind that 
smirk of his. But for some reason I never considered any of 
them as potential partners. Instead, I dedicated myself to 
my work, like a responsible technician should, and Dr. 
Akagi would be pleased. She worked us hard, but she never 
expected any less from herself either. It was always a 
reward to hear her praise us for our work.

I don't know when those words of praise and gratitude, 
those little nods of approval, those pats on the back, 
started to mean more than they should. At first they filled 
me with a sense of pride and made me a little flustered. It 
wasn't every day that such a brilliant mind thought that 
your work was worth praise. It took me a while to realise 
that my nervousness around her and my desire to please was 
more than simple admiration for a superior. Whenever she 
leaned next to me, or touched my hand, it would send sparks 
shooting from my skin to my spinal cord and the very core 
of my stomach. 

I burned for her touch.

My hand was drawing lazy circles on my stomach under my 
shirt, and there was a weak feeling in my knees, and when I 
closed my eyes I saw her face and smile inches away from 
mine. 

I stared all night at the ceiling, unable to sleep.

Did I love her?

It wasn't so much a question of love as a question of 
attraction. I'd never felt this way about a woman before. 
Then again, I hadn't felt this way about anyone before. 
What did I feel for her? Was it love? Or pure lust, plain 
sexual desire for someone of the same sex?

I wish I knew.

I closed my eyes, and this time allowed my fingers to 
freely explore my body, starting with my lips, down to my 
chest, my torso, and lower.  

To see what it would do for me. 

To see how I would feel.

...

To imagine that it was Sempai's touch instead of my own.

... ...!! 

No. No. No.

God, no.

I sat up straight, my chest pounding, my toes tingling, my 
body still remembering faintly the traces of pleasure at 
the exact moment I let myself think of her.

I guess I was like that after all.

My parents raised me for twenty years and they raised a 
freak. 

How can I tell Mum and Dad that I'm so disgusting? They'd 
kill me. My friends, and everyone I knew... how could I 
tell them? Meek little Maya... who'd have guessed she was 
_that_ way? 

Not so meek now, are you, Maya? You're a goddamn freak.

How could I let myself be that way?

Where had I gone wrong?

Was it because I'd gone to an all girls' school? Or maybe I 
should have dated during college. 

Yes, I was still a virgin, and I wasn't ashamed of it. But 
if being a virgin meant that I was ... that I preferred 
women, then...

But there's plenty of girls and women like that nowadays. I 
mean, they don't have a problem with their sexual 
preference. Why should I? 

Because I do already, idiot! I can't like women!

But I don't. I only like _a_ woman. One woman.

I swore, went to the bathroom and slammed my head against 
the wall. Despite myself, tears began to well up in my 
eyes. Shit. What was there to feel ashamed about? If I was 
that way, I was, and the rest of the world could be damned! 

But still, it felt horrible to feel this way about a woman, 
and about myself.

The next morning, I felt like shit, both in body and soul. 
A cold shower didn't help matters much.

It was the first time I had let myself go, so wantonly, and 
so brazenly. 

While I drank my orange juice and gulped down my cereal, I 
came to a realization, disliked it thoroughly, and admitted 
it. But I still hadn't decided what to do about it. 

At work, I laboured mechanically, unthinkingly, on 
automaton. I couldn't seem to do anything right. Sempai was 
displeased at my poor performance and remarked more than 
once that I wasn't working up to par today. I snapped at 
the slightest thing and made careless mistakes, feeling 
totally disgusted and sorry for myself. 

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. When my computer 
crashed again, I burst into tears. Luckily Shigeru and 
Makoto were out of the room, or it'd have been rather 
embarrassing. 

Unfortunately, Sempai saw me.

"Maya, what's wrong?" she said, coming across to me in 
concern. "Are you feeling sick?" It was a while before I 
could respond. Sempai stood next to me patiently, and all I 
could do was shake my head and choke noisily. I rubbed my 
eyes pathetically and hoped that they would stop leaking.

And hoped that she would go away.

Sempai clicked her tongue, and I could feel her shaking her 
head beside me. I felt mortified, and the tears that had 
been showing signs of stopping started afresh. Sempai bent 
over slightly so that she could see my face.

"How are you feeling? Hmm?" Sempai put a hand on my 
forehead.

"Dreadful," I mumbled, sniffling. "Got a headache."

"Really?" The next thing I knew, I was in her arms and she 
was hugging me. 

"There, there... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you when 
I snapped at you earlier. I didn't know you weren't feeling 
well."

My tears stopped as I felt her touch, and closing my eyes, 
I let my head rest against her chest. It was the warmest 
feeling I could remember having ever experienced in a long, 
long time. I suddenly forgot all notion of time, being, 
space, everything... it was as if an uncompleted part of me 
had finally become whole. 

Dimly, I noticed that she was wearing a different perfume 
today. I could hear her heart thudding behind her ribcage, 
and her chest rose and fell as she tried to comfort me. 

It was as if I'd been waiting for this moment my whole 
life. And I realised, with certainty, that given the 
chance, I would want to stay in her arms, forever, just 
like this, me and her, Ibuki Maya and her Sempai.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the revelation. 

======

End Part 2

Started sometime September 2000
Revised February 27 2001