Something Else

by Sparky Clarkson

The computer beeped and flashed a message at Shinji, jarring him from his reverie. He shook his head to clear it and glanced around the classroom, noting that almost all the other students were spacing out as well. With Sensei around, who needs Ritalin? Shinji wondered, then turned his attention to the computer screen. He smiled ruefully as he read it.

Shinji shook his head. Sometimes he had trouble figuring out who had sent him a particular message, but that was never the case with Asuka. Her personality shone through even the drab green text of the computer screen. Shinji realized that he would probably end up doing what she said anyway, but he mustered as much of an effort at resistance as he could manage without getting punched later. He typed his reply.

Asuka's answer wasn't long in coming.

Shinji smiled slightly as he read that. Pure Asuka. What would she do, Shinji wondered, If she knew how true that was? He typed an affirmative reply and sent it. She'd probably kill me, or call me a perverted idiot, he thought, and sighed softly. He shifted slightly in his seat so he could see Asuka.

The red-headed girl turned to flash him a thumbs-up and a grin, then quickly rotated back to face the front of the room. Shinji, on the other hand, held his position, carefully watching his housemate. He couldn't decide whether to look forward to whatever Asuka had planned for after school or not. She pulled him in so many directions.

Certainly Shinji didn't enjoy being called names or ridiculed. Asuka's harsh words never failed to make Shinji feel like an idiot and a loser. Her desire to always be the center of attention grated on his nerves at the best of times, and frequently made him want to scream. Loud, bossy, and frequently irrational, Asuka rarely brightened Shinji's days.

When she did, though... Shinji still remembered the way she smiled at him after he had jumped into the volcano to save her. The memory of that one expression—not a grin, just the slightest smile combined with gently shimmering moisture in her eyes—always comforted him, and made him want to bring it out again. When it had occurred, the sight had completely blocked out the pain he felt from the fiery lava. When he remembered it, Shinji felt like all he wanted was to see that smile again.

All the same, the stress of dealing with Asuka's bad side had begun to wear on Shinji emotionally. He'd always been a loner leading a boring life, never having to deal much with other children or with stressful situations. The abrupt changes that had accompanied Shinji's move to Tokyo-3 had shattered that life and nearly driven him over the edge. After his failed attempt to run away, Shinji had found a way to keep himself sane by taking several hours each day to sit alone in his room, listening to his S-DAT. The calming routine gave him the strength to deal with all the people and stress he faced daily.

Asuka's arrival, however, had ended that. Whenever he tried to take those few hours to unwind, she would barge in, demanding that he clean something she had dirtied, fix her some food, buy some groceries, or any number of incidental tasks. As a result, he hadn't had a full session of his "quiet time" in nearly a month. Ironically, this interruption of his routine came at the same time that Asuka's obnoxious nature massively increased the tension in Shinji's already stressful life. The more he needed to relax, the less opportunity he had to do so.

Shinji could feel himself coming apart at the seams. Twice already this week he had cried himself to sleep, muffling his sobs in his pillow so as not to worry Misato. Though both times had happened right after particularly harsh words from Asuka, that wasn't the real reason he'd wept. Under normal circumstances he could have brushed off the insults, or maybe even ignored them. Without his downtime, however, his mental strength to resist her attacks had eroded to almost nothing. The frustration of trying to deal with her was on the verge of driving him over the edge a second time.

Shinji's hand clenched. Why does she have to be so mean? he asked himself, I try as hard as I can to make her happy! He relaxed quickly, however, when his eyes again focused on Asuka. He had to admit it... ultimately, something about her made the trouble she caused him worth it. If only he could figure out what that 'something' was...

His computer beeped again. He glanced back to the screen, barely suppressing a groan as he read the new message.

Shinji turned towards the front of the room and buried his head in his hands. Was I? he wondered. Is that it? Do I want her to be my girlfriend? Shinji didn't really understand what having a girlfriend was about. Touji, Kensuke, and occasionally Misato told him off-color jokes that painted one picture of relationships, and the awful, boring "romance" movies Misato rented when she was feeling unusually sappy created another. Shinji had a hunch that neither view was really right, but had no way to find out. He'd certainly never get up enough courage to ask anyone about such an embarrassing subject.

It probably doesn't matter anyway, Shinji thought. She probably hates me or despises me, judging from how she acts. That smile, though... really, I don't understand her at all.

"So, um... what's this about, Asuka?" Shinji asked as they stood outside the campus. Touji and Kensuke had just left him with "the red-headed devil" and gone off to play at the arcade.

"There's something I want to show you," she replied, and began walking down the road towards a maglev station.

Shinji started after her, catching up after a few moments. "Is it out of town or something?" he asked as they descended to the subway.

"Sort of," Asuka replied. "It's on the mountain."

"The mountain?" Shinji asked, trying to restrain the whine in his voice. The shoes he was wearing really weren't any good for a hike. He should have realized that Asuka would have some reason for wearing unwieldy boots today rather than the standard shoes of the school uniform.

"Well, if you're going to be that way, we can just turn around. Heaven knows why I'm spending my time with an idiot like you," Asuka replied. As if to carry out her threat, she turned back towards the stairs that led to street level.

"No, wait," Shinji said. "If you want to drag me up the mountain, then I guess it must be important to you. I'll go."

Asuka folded her arms and smirked. "That's better," she said, and moved back towards the turnstiles. Shinji shook his head slowly and followed her.

A short ride on the maglev took them to the edge of the nature preserve on the mountain nearest to Tokyo-3. Asuka jumped up from her seat and charged out of the train car, impatient to reach their destination. A moment later, Shinji followed her, watching the sway of Asuka's hips and the graceful movement of her body.

Shinji had the impression that people in love often looked at each other this way. The curves and motion of another's body was supposed to kindle some kind of attraction. Yet Shinji experienced nothing of the sort—no arousal, no special warmth in his heart. If anything, ogling Asuka this way made him feel vaguely uncomfortable. Is something wrong with me? Shinji wondered, Or is something wrong with what I'm doing? Suddenly, he realized how far behind he had lagged and started jogging to catch up with his housemate. The last thing he needed right now was to have her call him a pervert in a place like this.

When he finally did pull even with her, Asuka commented, "Took you long enough, stupid. Are you up for a climb?"

"Sure," Shinji replied, without enthusiasm. Already, he was beginning to regret agreeing to come with her. But maybe doing so would buy him a little peace and quiet later on. He could only hope.

"Ta-da!" Asuka shouted as she reached a little clearing along the rough trail. The rocky little path up the western side of the mountain had trees growing on either side, obstructing the view of the surrounding area. In this spot, however, no trees grew on the outside edge of the trail, creating a small grassy meadow facing almost due west.

Shinji leaned against a tree, obviously tired from the hike up the mountain. "This is what you wanted to show me?" he asked, sounding a little annoyed.

"Well, I'm sorry it doesn't match up to your high expectations, stupid Shinji," Asuka snapped. Shinji hadn't said anything about it on the way up, but she knew he had to be a little irritated by the whole excursion.

Shinji held up a hand. "No, no, you misunderstood me. It's very pretty, just... I don't understand why you wanted me to come up here so badly," he explained.

"Well, you just have to wait a while," Asuka said, "You made far better time than I thought you would. You should be proud that you exceeded my expectations." She realized that she had actually been the one lagging behind most of the way, prodding Shinji to "break a trail" for her. Still, she couldn't resist the jab. Making fun of Shinji was just too enjoyable. "Just sit and wait for the sunset, idiot," she added, turning back towards the view.

Shinji was silent for a few moments, then quietly asked, "Why do you say things like that all the time?" He probably hadn't meant for Asuka to hear, but somehow the words carried in the clear on the mountainside.

"Huh?" she responded, confused.

For a moment, it seemed Shinji wouldn't answer—that he would retreat back into his shell. Suddenly though, with a burst of strength, he asked, "Why do you always say those insulting things? What am I doing to deserve them?"

Asuka was dumbfounded. She couldn't imagine where Shinji had gotten the nerve to say something like that to her. She was about to respond when Shinji added something else.

"I'm always trying to do what you ask and make you happy," he said, "And all you ever do is say things that hurt my feelings. Why can't you be nice to me?"

Asuka didn't know how to respond. Of course she knew that she said mean things to Shinji all the time, but she never imagined that they actually affected him. To her, they were just things she said—they didn't mean anything. She couldn't admit that to him, though—not at this point. That would mean trusting him, and Asuka never, ever let anyone get close. She scrambled for the first thing that came to mind. "You're just a boy," she said, "I don't see why you think you're worthy of my respect. It's your job to be nice to me."

"What?" Shinji asked, his eyes wide with shock. "I don't do the things I do because it's my job. I... I even disobeyed my orders when you had that fight in the volcano and I caught you. I mean, I didn't come up here because I had to. I did it because I care about you, and I want you to be happy."

Asuka froze. This couldn't be right. Shinji never did anything on his own initiative—his only source of direction was doing what other people told him to do. She turned to her housemate, and saw from his expression that he was entirely earnest. She could hardly believe it. "What are you trying to say?" she asked. If it's what I think it is, maybe I can get this off my chest, she thought, It sure would be nice to be able to drop my facade for someone.

Shinji seemed to shrink a little bit. "I don't know," he said. "I've never had to deal with people much before, so I don't even understand how I feel about them... about you. I don't know if I want you to be my girlfriend, or if it's something else, but I know I care about you. I think... I think I love you. Don't you care about me at all?"

Asuka's reply came out before she even knew she was going to speak, a response born of her emotional reflexes more than anything else. "Hmph! I could never love you," she retorted, barely realizing she was saying the words. Their impact on Shinji, however, made it clear that they had, indelibly, been uttered. The boy stood stone-still for a moment as her words sank in. Then he began shaking, and reached out to support himself on a tree as his knees buckled briefly. Asuka frowned, wondering why he was reacting so oddly to whatever she had said.

Then she realized exactly what she had said. She clasped her hand over her mouth to stifle a cry and took a step towards Shinji, but at that moment his last shred of strength evaporated. Asuka had a brief glimpse of a tear rolling down his cheek before he turned and ran down the path as fast as he could.

"No! Shinji, wait!" Asuka called, but he kept running. She watched him disappear from view, stumbling down the rough path. When he had been out of eyeshot for several minutes, she sat gracelessly on the ground, leaning her head up against a tree trunk. "Idiot," she muttered, but she this time the insult wasn't meant for Shinji. "God damn idiot."

She stayed in that position for several hours, watching the sun slowly track down the sky. I really did want Shinji to see this, she thought as she watched the golden orb descend behind the hills. It's very beautiful. I know he would have liked it.

She was jarred from her reverie by the sudden ringing of her mobile phone. Asuka reached inside her satchel and grabbed the unit, flicking it on with practiced ease. "Soryu here," she said automatically, half-expecting a summons to the Geo-front.

"Asuka! Where are you?" Misato asked, sounding almost angry.

"I'm in a nature preserve," Asuka replied. "What's up?"

There was a pause, then Misato continued in a calmer voice, "I just got a little nervous because I didn't know where you were. You should tell me when you're going to do something like this. Are you coming back tonight, or are you camping up there with Hikari?"

"I, uh... I'm coming back soon," Asuka said. There was an uncomfortable silence that lasted a few moments.

"Okay, well..." Misato began, but Asuka cut her off.

"Misato, do you know where Shinji is?"

Another few moments of silence followed before Misato replied, "He didn't want to talk much when I called him. He said something about the gardens."

Asuka's eyes widened. The only real gardens in Tokyo-3 were in the park at the base of the mountain. Apparently Shinji hadn't run very far. She was about to sign off and go look for him when Misato said, "What's this about, Asuka?"

Asuka considered lying for a moment. If she told the truth, Misato might get really angry with her. Asuka's bad attitude had already gotten her on the Major's bad side. If she'd hurt Shinji... well, Misato was very protective of him. Who knew how she'd react? On the other hand, Asuka realized that she needed some advice, and if anyone knew Shinji, it was Misato.

Asuka took a deep breath and said, "Misato, have you ever said something that was true, but wasn't right?"

"I don't understand what you mean."

"Well... I said something to Shinji earlier today, and it was the truth, but it didn't come out right. I didn't realize I had misspoken until too late, and I think... I'm worried that I really hurt him, and I... I don't want to do that," Asuka explained.

After a brief pause, Misato replied, "I think I see what you're getting at, although it would be easier if you'd tell me what it was that caused all this."

"I... I can't. Not just yet," Asuka said. "But Misato, what would you do if that happened? How can I explain to him that what I said wasn't what I meant?"

Misato thought for a moment, then said, "Well, the only way to do it is just to say it. Shinji's had some terrible experiences in his life, as bad as or worse than yours, and so he's very timid about opening up to people. If you hurt him, there's a chance that he'll just turn inward and cut himself off from you. If he does, there's no way to make him listen. The best thing you can do is say the words and hope he hears you."

Asuka nodded, before realizing what a ridiculous gesture that was when using a phone. "Yeah, I guess you're right," she agreed. "Thanks, Misato."

"Anytime."

"I'll be home in a little while," Asuka said, then flipped the phone off and shoved it back into her satchel. As the last fringe of the sun began to disappear behind the hills, Asuka stood and began to walk down the path, hoping to reach the bottom before the light was all gone. It's time to set this straight.

Shinji curled up tighter when he heard the sound of footsteps crunching on the gravel walk. He had spent the last few hours here, sitting next to the small lily pond with his arms and face resting on his knees, staring at the ground. The quietly running water had calmed him somewhat while he cried, but he still did not want to face anybody.

As the footsteps grew closer, Shinji recognized a familiar cadence, and the breeze wafted a scent he knew well towards him. "Asuka" he moaned quietly, and curled up tighter. The path and the pond were separated by some bushes; perhaps in the twilight Asuka would miss him.

That hope evaporated as the footsteps stopped directly behind him. There was a rustling noise as Asuka stepped through the bushes. She stopped silently behind him for a few moments before asking, "Mind if I sit here?"

"Please don't. Please just go away and leave me alone," Shinji whispered, but the words were too soft for Asuka to hear. He heard her sit beside him.

"Shinji, are you all right?" Asuka asked.

Shinji didn't move, continuing to stare at the ground. "No," he moaned. After a pause, he said, "Please leave, Asuka. I know you don't care. It was stupid of me to say anything when I didn't know how I felt anyway."

After a moment, Asuka said, "That's why I came to find you. What I said today... well, it wasn't exactly true."

Shinji stayed in his position. She's just taking pity on me, he thought.

"To tell you the truth," Asuka continued, "I spoke before I thought, and it came out sounding like I don't care about you. I didn't mean it that way, and I... I'm sorry. I know... I know I don't have the kind of feelings for you that a girl has for her boyfriend. But..." Asuka trailed off. After a few moments she began again. "I don't even know how to say this," she explained, "I've been thinking ever since... what happened... and I still can't get the words right. It's not romantic love I'm feeling for you, but... something else."

"Contempt?" Shinji suggested, still not shifting. "That's how you always act. I'm just trying... oh, it's no use," he said, struggling to hold back more tears. I can't cry in front of her, he thought, I can't. She'd never let me live it down.

Asuka said nothing for almost a minute. Then, very tentatively, she reached out and placed her hand on Shinji's shoulder. He reflexively tensed up when she touched him, fearing the worst, but nothing really happened. She squeezed gently, then began to talk.

"I... I owe you an apology, Shinji. I know that I mostly act like I despise you, but it's honestly because... because I don't know how to act around you. I've never had to live with someone my own age before, so I don't... I don't know what to do. Especially since... since I know that I do care about you. And that's why I'm mad at myself right now. Because today, when I meant to say I couldn't love you as my boyfriend, I ended up saying that I don't care about you at all. And that's not true. I know that... that I really do love you. I just think of you more as a brother than a boyfriend. And I don't want to hurt someone who loves me... someone whom I love."

Shinji had slowly lifted his head as Asuka spoke. As she explained herself, Asuka trembled and her eyes brimmed with tears. As she told him how she felt, he realized that her words resonated with his own emotions. When she finished, Asuka gave Shinji a weak smile and squeezed his shoulder again. Shinji took a deep breath and said, "I think... I think I feel the same way. I mean, you're very beautiful, but I... I can't see us together... that way." He looked away from Asuka, towards the pond as he continued, "I just... I do care about you, and it just hurts so much that you make fun of me all the time. I just don't know if I can keep doing what I've been doing, with NERV, and school, and home... it's just so... so frustrating!"

Asuka reached out and turned his face back towards her. She frowned and said, "I didn't understand until today how mean I've been towards you. I never meant to hurt you, but I never had the presence of mind to stop saying those hurtful things, either." She paused, then continued, "I want to try and stop doing that, but... I've always used that attitude as kind of a shell, to keep the rest of the world away. I don't know if I can give it up that easily. I want you to know, though, that when I say those things, I don't really mean them. I want to help you, to... be there for you. I just... I don't know how good a job I'll do. I mean, I've never had a brother." She smiled hopefully at him.

Shinji smiled back. "I've never had a sister either," he said quietly, "But...I want to be there for you, too."

Asuka grinned broadly, her face brightening with Shinji's every word. She leaned over and engulfed her roommate in a strong embrace. Shocked by the contact, Shinji took a moment to collect himself and hug her back. After a few seconds in Asuka's arms, Shinji felt calm and relaxed. The embrace soothed him more than hours with his S-DAT ever had. "This feels right," he murmured, just loudly enough so that Asuka could hear him.

"Yeah," she agreed, "I guess we are cut out to be siblings after all." They held the embrace for several more minutes, just relaxing in the contact. Then Asuka released him from the hug and said, "My first act as your 'sister' is to remind you that you'll never grow up big and strong if you don't eat regularly."

Shinji suddenly realized that his stomach was softly growling. "Yeah," he said, "I suppose I should eat something." He stood up slowly, still a little tired from the emotional exertion of the afternoon.

Asuka stood up as well, still smiling. "I hope you feel up to cooking. Misato probably left some noodles out for when we got home, but you know those are going to taste like cardboard," she said.

Shinji laughed. "We could stop by a ramen stand," he said. "My treat."

Asuka nodded, and replied, "I suppose that'll do. Your cooking is better, though."

Shinji blushed slightly, and motioned towards the pathway. He held the bushes apart so that Asuka could step through, then followed her onto the gravel walkway.

As they walked towards the maglev station, Asuka said, "Thanks, Shinji. For dinner... and for listening. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."

"It's okay," Shinji replied, smiling slightly. "I know you didn't mean to, and I feel much better now... now that I have a family."

"So do I."