Parts 1-3 are available at http://www.teloong.mcmail.com/
Yes, it does help if you've read them before.

This is a LIME. That means naughty things. You have been 
warned. This is also a PARODY. OOC warning. PWP warning.
Tramples over lots of other fics. C&C, pretty please?

E.L.Toh presents
RAMEN 4
an Eva/Ranma/El-Hazard x-over fanfic
Series are property of GAINAX/Rumiko Takahashi/Pioneer AIC. 

   "Oh, I am blessed indeed. With the stimulus of passion
spiced ramen, Rei and Asuka have found it in themselves
to reveal their feelings for me!" declared Shinji.

   Rei in her frumpy school uniform appeared on his right.
"Ah, Rei! How the name Ayanami befits you! Waves whose 
beauty suggest forms woven in silk. Like the moon, a cold
distant radiance full of mystery!"

   Right on cue, Asuka in her yellow spaghetti strap
sundress appeared on Shinji's left. "Asuka. Sweet scent
of tomorrow. Fiery hair and fiery heart! Red is indeed
your province - so full of passion, so full of life!"

   Shinji drew himself up to his full height. "And The One
I Love Is..."

   "..."

   "I cannot decide!" Shinji wept as he put an arm around
each girl's waist, "I must have you both!"   

   Shinji's form went limp as Asuka's fist slammed into
his face. "Anta baka!? It's not for *you* to choose!" 
retorted Asuka who then slung his right arm across her
shoulder.

   "Shinji-kun does not need to choose," added Rei as she
repeated Asuka's motion with Shinji's left arm. "Afterall,
it is Friday. We are to share him today."

   With that, the girls dragged Shinji off to his room.

***

   "Ah, Ms Jinnai, we finally meet at last," said Nabiki
as she rose from her desk. "You honour us with your 
presence."

   "No need to stand on ceremony, and 'Nanami' will be 
fine," replied the carrot-haired damsel as she shook 
Nabiki's offered hand.

   "'Nabiki' then."

   "So, Nabiki, now we are done with the pleasantries,
shall we get down to business? What can do you want from
me?"

   "I am proposing a Tendou-Jinnai joint venture for the
largest privatisation program the world has ever seen."

   "Oh," said Nanami, "you mean now you've gotten rid of
SEELE, you intend to corporatise NERV?"

   "Indeed."

   "Heh," snorted Nanami, "you'd keep NERV all to yourself
if you had the funds to do it."

   "Ah, a display of that penetrating vision of Nanami
Jinnai," smiled Nabiki, "yes, you're absolutely right.
But even Tendou Corp can't handle this all by itself."

   "So you want the Jinnai Foundation to provide a huge
capital injection of cash, equity and debt. In return,
we get 50% share in a couple of biomechanical robots.
Swell, I can't for the life of me see what's the catch,"
noted Nanami dourly.

   "Now, now, Nanami," said Nabiki as she wagged her finger,
"Demon Gods may be able to give Evangelions a run for their
money but that's not the main point. Think of all the spin-
offs that NERV can generate!"

   "NERV mugs?" asked Nanami sceptically.

***

   Shinji had always been a light sleeper. And now the 
doorbell roused him from his slumber.

   'I wonder who it is,' he thought as he gently pried
himself from the double embrace of his blue-haired and
red-headed goddesses. Throwing on a bath robe, he made
his way to the door and opened it.

   "Mr. Shinji Ikari?" said the Tendou Corp deliveryman.

   "Yes, that's me."

   "This is for you," said the man as he handed over a 
large carton to a bleary-eyed Shinji, "Ms Tendou says
that you and the girls are to fill out the evaluation 
forms for these products as carefully as you can."

   "Ummm. Sure," murmured Shinji as he signed the counter
foil to acknowledge receipt of the package and then placed
it on the kitchen table.

   As Shinji undid the plain paper wrapping, he started
to frown. He blinked. He then rubbed the sleep out of
his eyes and stared. He blinked again. Slumping into his
chair, he muttered, "They've got to be kidding."

   The labels included "Eva Unit00 (sky blue) - cool minty
flavour. Eva Unit01 (purple) - passion fruit flavour. Eva 
Unit02 (red) - strawberry flavour and ribbed for extra 
sensation!"

   Emblazoned cheerfully above those was the NERV logo
with its usual motto replaced with: "EVA-Brand condoms.
When you need protection as good as an A.T. Field."

***

   "Oooookay," said Nanami. "That just might work. Are
you sure you've worked out all the problems?"

   "Well..." hesitated Nabiki.

   "Well, what?" pressed Nanami.

   "Well, you see, there's this guy who's filing a lawsuit
against us, saying that we stole his idea," explained Nabiki.

   "I can't believe anyone would dare to sue you."

   "Well, he did. And he's got tonnes of witnesses. And
he can't be bought off - he wants to have his creative
input acknowledged and before you ask, no, he can't be
intimidated either. Those otakus love his work and are
waiting for him to finish his series. They'd raise hell
if he suddenly... disappeared. No, too risky."

   "He's an artist?" asked Nanami.

   "A part-time writer. He's giving us hell over the
jelly donut chain as well on the same grounds," replied
Nabiki as she pressed a button on her desk, "computer,
call file #42."

   A holographic projection of the file appeared. Details
and particulars scrolled rapidly past a file photo.

   "Andrew-chan!?"

   "You know this guy?" asked Nabiki with just a hint of
surprise.

   "Err..." Nanami maintained a near-perfect business
poker face. Expressionless. But not quite perfect due to
the colour that was announcing its presence on her cheeks
and ears.

   "You do know him."
 
   "Y...you could could say that..."

   "Oh yeah, you were at the 1997 Chicken Ball Awards with 
him. Something about you providing him with... inspiration?"

   "Okay! Okay!" exclaimed Nanami. "Just leave it to me,
I'll talk to him and get it sorted out!"

   "Oh. So he *can* be bribed afterall?" asked Nabiki with
a suggestively raised eye brow.

   "Shaddup, Nabs."

   "And speaking of which, you could test some of our products
while you're at it as well," grinned Nabiki as she handed 
Nanami a colour catalogue.

*** 

   "So what do you think of this, Shinji-kun?" asked Rei as
she sashayed past, giving him a good view of how the lacy
snow-white lingerie enhanced her already very attractive...
attributes.

   "Gurrrk... *SPURT*..." responded Shinji.

   Asuka rolled out the measuring tape and then started 
recording results on a clipboard. "Strangled Whine Factor 
of 8.9 and an Active Spurting Nosebleed with distance of 
3.2 metres," said Asuka with a hint of envy in her voice,
"Say, Rei... could you design something for me? And.."

   "...make it red," Rei smoothly cut it. "I will have to
think about the appropriate design specifications that will
titillate and enrapture the fanboys."

   "Thanks Rei," said Asuka in appreciation, "but I think 
Shinji's had enough for one day."

   Their aforementioned test subject was slumped, unconscious,
in the chair, a small trickle of blood running down both his
nostrils.

   "Aww... you're no fun, Shinji-kun," said Rei. But unlike
in Evanjellydonut, her tone was completely monotonic and her
pout had the feel of Seven of Nine practising smiling i.e. not
very spontaneous at all and possibly eliciting clown phobia in
some of our more sensitive readers.

   "But that's *why* he's so fun," grinned Asuka predatorily
(and this was totally natural - bared teeth and all), "he
doesn't seem to get jaded at all."

   Rei shrugged while mentally making a note to practice the
predatory grin. "Thank you for lending me the chair."

   "No prob," replied Asuka as she began to undo the leather
straps around Shinji's wrists and ankles.

***

   "You mean Rei designed all of this?" asked Nanami in 
disbelief as she leafed through the catalogue.

   "The girl's got talent, doesn't she? Must come from being
repressed for so long," said Nabiki as she recalled fond 
memories of how, in the past, she had made money from selling
photos of a lingerie clad female(?) to an idiot. "Though she
models her stuff only for her dear Shinji-kun. No photos, 
nothing."

   "Pity," said Nanami, "I could see a huge demand just for 
the catalogues if she did."

   "Well, it's better for the product line in the long run. 
Has to maintain a certain dignity and mystique," said Nabiki.
'Though one learns not to argue with Rei "A.T.Field" Ayanami.'

   "True, true," mused Nanami, "and the 'Ayanami' name for the
product line is perfect. Confluence of her name and poetry, 
suggesting subtlety as well as sophistication. We'll easily 
bag the higher margin end of the market."

   "So have you decided what to wear for you-know-who?"

   "Shut. Up."

   "Maybe you're into something more exotic?" asked Nabiki.

***

   "Please, Asuka..." whined Shinji as he strained against 
the handcuffs, "do we really need to do this?"

   "Urusai, Baka Shinji," snapped Asuka, "You know you love 
it."

   Shinji, face down on the bed, continued to struggle - 
albeit a little feebly. He knew it was futile but his
efforts always seemed to please Asuka. And when Asuka was
pleased, it was very... rewarding.

   "Alright now, hold still," commanded Asuka.

   Shinji braced for impact.

   *THWACK. THWACK. THWACK. THWACK. THWACK.*

   "Impressive, most impressive," noted Rei, "no breaks on
the skin but the result is very clear. Very legible.. though
I would have preferred it if you could had inscribed something
else."

   "Sorry," smiled Asuka apologetically as she carressed her
cat o' nine tails, "guess I couldn't help it."
   
   Shinji's bare bottom, in a font made of straight red lash
marks, declared 'PROPERTY OF SOHRYU ASUKA LANGELY.' His face
buried in a pillow, Shinji moaned.

   "Oh dammit, a spelling error," grumbled Asuka. "And it's not
like I can get rid of it with blanko or a backspace key."

   "It is alright. If John Biles and Rod M can make that error
occassionally in 'Children of an Elder God', you should be 
allowed that sometimes as well," said Rei.

   "Yeah, but Langley's my surname! I should be able to get my
own surname right!" Asuka's rant ended abruptly as her eyes 
widened in fear and realization. Back pedalling to put distance
between herself and Rei, she exclaimed, "You've *read* CoaEG!?"

   "Up to the first third of Part 13:'Saving the Dead'. You
seem concerned."

   "Of course I am! Gendou ended up in hospital because you
read Evanjellydonut too many times! I'm not going to have my
brain eaten raw by you!" said Asuka as she thought about
fleeing to Germany (with Shinji slung over her shoulder, of
course).

   "Not raw," said Rei, quoting from the '99 Christmas CoaEG
omake. Not a good sign.

   Asuka seemed only slightly placated by this tiny concession. 
 
   "...with some fava beans and a nice Chianti," said Rei
before she starting making slurping noises through her teeth.

   "You're... joking, right?" asked Asuka, still in a 
defensive combat stance.

   Rei considered it for a moment. "Yes, a joke." Then she
decided to practice her predatory grin.

   "WAAAUGH!!!"

***

   Despite her ability to read people very well, Nabiki was
undecided as to whether Nanami looked fascinated or disgusted
as she leafed through the pages of costumes (most of them 
leather), implements and contraptions that Asuka had designed
for the 'Devil Girl' range of products.

   "Haven't you got anything that doesn't sell sex?" asked
Nanami as she finally put down the catalogue.

   "There are some ideas floating around - 'Winter Fresh LCL'
and 'Unholy Miracle Gro' from Akagi Laboratories. Maybe a set
of highly inaccurate NERV action figures."

   "Nabiki..."

   "Yes, Nanami?"

   "Why do I see more litigation coming our way?"

***

   Tappity-tap.

   There was a muffled response through the floor.

   Operative A shook his head and applied the hammer against
the floor again.

   Tappity-tap. Tappity-tap.

   The response of "...am warning... not finish..." could be
made out through the concrete between this storey and the one 
below.

   "Hey," said Operative B as she adjusted her earphones, 
"his phone's ringing. Our phone tap indicates it's from Nanami 
Jinnai... she wants to talk and is coming over to see him. He
says ok... Conversation's ended."

   "Video survelliance shows that the subject is stopping 
work and starting to prepare dinner. Hmmm... looks like he's
bringing out candles, red wine, the works," reported Operative
C, "should we upgrade our alert status?"

   "No. Haven't you read the file? They know each other pretty
well. She's not a security risk. Radio in to HQ that Nanami 
swinging by for dinner and maybe more. Make sure she's let
through and not given any problems," said Operative A as he
consulted his standard operating procedure manual.

   "Further to that," added Operative A, "we are to cease all
forms of survelliance activity on the subject for the next 24
hours. That includes the tappity-tapping as well."

   "Oh swell," grumbled Operative B, "another 24 hours he won't
be spending to finish up EJD."

   "Now, now, B," chided Operative A, "he might get another 
burst of inspiration from her visit. Goodness knows he gets
enough of our type of motivation."

   An hour later.

   "Nanami Jinnai has arrived," reported Operative C.

   "Okay, that's it! Shut everything off. The next shift will
simply take up a defensive perimeter a discrete distance away.
Other than that, Operation Andrew-Please-Finish-Evanjellydonut
is off for tonight. Say, B, you wanna grab a beer?"  
 
   "Sure," shrugged Operative B.

***

   "Hello Spatula Girl," greeted Shampoo, "is coincidence. 
And you making personal delivery? Is unusual."

   "Yeah, sugar," returned Ukyou, "well, Nabiki pays well
to have these special customers looked after real good. I've
got one vegetarian, one brewmeister-saukeraut special, one
fisherman's treasure, one curry beef with beer sauce, one non-
descript completely usual okonomiyaki. A bottle of my best
sake as well. Absolutely no almonds or almond products in any
of it. How about you?"

   "Shampoo have one garlic ramen with no meat, one deluxe
pork ramen super-size, one ramen with herring, mackeral
and salmon, one chilli beef ramen and one house ramen. With
bottle of Tsingtao beer. Besides no almond, customer also 
request make sure no passion spice in food."
   
   The lift door opened and they headed for the Katsuragi
apartment.

***

   "It's really nice of Rei to treat us to dinner," said Shinji.

   "Yeah," said Misato who was already stuffing her face, "and
I haven't had Tsingtao in ages!"

   "Wark. Wark."

   "I think Wondergirl wants to apologise for making me feel
like my life was threatened, for reminding Misato that she has
no life..."

   "Hey!" protested Misato.

   "...and making sure Shinji gets lots of nutritious food so 
that he can..."

   "Your life was threatened? How?" asked Shinji, wanting to
change the topic.

   "It's nothing. I just should have remembered that she's a
vegetarian - that means she won't eat my brain."

   "That is correct," said Rei appearing suddenly and startling
everyone.

   "Geez, I hate it when you do that," came another CoaEG omake
quote.

***

   Meanwhile...

   "Andrew-chan..."

   "Yes, Nanami-chan? Oh my. Gurrrk.... *SPURT*..."


THE END

I wish to thank Andrew Huang for granting permission for
use of material from Ejd and allowing the insertion of his
person and his own conception of Nanami into the fic. His
comments and criticism were also critical in preventing this
fic from crossing a very fine line, ethically and creatively.

Thanks also to John Biles and Rod M for giving permission for
use of situations and quotes from 'Children of an Elder God'
as well as to Alain Gravel for okaying the parody scene of 
'TOILI'. Their comments have been invaluable as well.


Completed 31 Jan 2000.

contact: toheel@singnet.com.sg or teloong@cwcom.net
archive: http://www.teloong.mcmail.com/

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