All Characters Originally Created By GAINAX All Situations Just Happen May Contain Sexual Situations Please Do Not Post Without Permission E-mail Comments To Godsend777@mindspring.com Spoiler Warnings And the Rest of That Happy-Crappy ------------------------------Evangelion: Is Nothing Sacred? Part 3------------------------------ Gendo Must Die! Having safely made it out of Eva-01's entry plug with a new spine (but otherwise unchanged), Shinji began to take stock of his surroundings. For starters, Rei spent most of her free time in the NERV library reading (gasp!) Gaijin self-help books! Most notable of these books was "Emotions for Dummies: A Beginners Guide for clones." She still had no real emotions, but kept searching nonetheless. The only big difference about her was her new name for Shinji: A simple yet overly affectionate (for Rei) Shinji-kun. Not knowing what else to do, Shinji started calling her Rei-chan, which annoyed Asuka to no end. She became a little friendlier to Shinji, considering what they had "shared" in the entry plug. Yet, Rei still refused to open up to anyone else but the Ikari family. Asuka, while severely disturbed by Shinji's and Rei's new friendship, found herself even more attracted to the young whiner, and even got him to take her out on an actual date. They enjoyed themselves, and Asuka enjoyed herself a little more when she hospitalized Kensuke for trying to take pictures of them together. Touji's and Hikari's relationship took a huge turn when Hikari's "Victoria's Secret" plan worked out. Shinji may not have gotten the secret, but Touji sure did when he had to shell out 5,000 yen for an "Indecent Use Of An Eva" charge. "I never knew an Eva's nose could bleed that much." was the only response witnesses could muster. The Eva service technicians were not happy at all. They had to clean up both the mess in Eva-01's entry plug, as well all the blood from Eva-03. They suffered the loss of ST #3, who happened to be standing in front of Eva-03 when its nose blew, but no one noticed because he was a minor character. Misato and the rest of NERV had their hands full with the impending arrival of the Fifth Children... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All four Eva pilots (And special Eva-03 cheerleader Hikari) stood on Eva-01's umbilical bridge waiting to meet the new Eva pilot. Misato walked up with a cute grey-haired boy behind her. "Okay everyone, listen up! This is Nagisa Kaworu, the Fifth Children and pilot of Eva-04, which has spontaneously come back to us from the smoking crater of Tokyo-2, but will not be used due to budget restraints." Misato stated. "Wow...looks like Shinji AND Rei..." Touji said. "That better NOT be your love-child!" Asuka screamed at them. "Not mine..." said Rei. "Yours, Shinji-kun?" "STOP CALLING HIM THAT!!" screamed Der Redhead. "Not mine, Rei-chan." Shinji responded, ignoring Asuka. "DON'T CALL HER THAT!!" "Your name is Shinji?" Kaworu asked. "Um...yeah. Pleased to meet-" "I LOVE YOU!!" Kaworu screeched as he glomped onto Shinji. "B-but y-y-you're A GUY!" yelled Shinji. "Boy. am I ever!" And with that, he dropped his pants. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Touji as his eyes were burned from their sockets. He ran out of the room, followed by Hikari. Asuka's jaw dropped. Misato drooled. Rei gave a "hmph" and muttered "Not as big as Shinji-kun's." And finally, a loud cracking noise was heard as Shinji's bonus spine broke in several different places. He ran from the room as well. "How dare you! On the day I was finally going to take advantage of him, er, give myself to him, you do THAT to him! I, I, I'LL KILL YOU!!" Everyone followed Shinji out the door, not wanting to be in Asuka's blast radius. "I don't see how." Kaworu calmly replied. For I am... THE 17th ANGEL!" Trumpets blared proudly in the background. "Yes! Now I gotta legal reason to kill you! Ready Eva-02!" She commanded as she hurried to her holding cage. "Huh? Hey, wait up!" Kaworu flew after her, indiscriminately blasting everywhere with his ATField. Unfortunately, one of those blasted places happened to be where Shinji and Rei were standing. They both fell to the sub-basement which housed Hyuuga's Manga Vault. (Yes, it serves a purpose.) "Shinji!" Kaworu and Asuka screamed in stereo. "I'll kill you!" they symphonically yelled at each other. They then went off to fight each other and destroy more of NERV headquarters. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rei wearily stood up after her fall and dusted herself off. She found herself in the Shojo section of the nefarious manga vault, with all the exits sealed off by debris or blast shutters. She was getting ready to blow the wall next to her away with a nicely placed ATField, when something caught her eye: Fushigi Yuugi. Rei walked over and picked up volume 1. She sat down in a nearby chair, pulled a soda from a nearby fridge, and began to read. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shinji woke up in the same situation as Rei. No way out, but no convenient ATField to remedy the situation. So he walked over and checked out the shelves of comics he saw. He had the unfortunate of landing in Hyuuga's American section, filled with Gaijin delight. Nothing else happening near him, he pulled a book off of the shelf and put his English knowledge to the test. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meanwhile... "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" Asuka screamed inside her Eva. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Puny Lillim! I will make Shinji-kun MINE!" Kaworu retorted with almost girlish glee. "Shut up you goddamned Angel! Eat progressive knife!" "Only if it's Shinji's!" "Ewww...You ARE a perv." Asuka said, disgusted. "That may be, but it looks like I'm not the only one who wants Shinji's progressive knife stuck in them." At this, Asuka blushed greatly. She held her face with her hands, which being mentally linked to Eva-02, caused it to do the same. Kaworu smiled and moved closer. "You want him so badly, you get horny just thinking about him." "N-no I don't..." Asuka brought a hand down to her mouth and clenched her fist. Eva-02 did the same. "You think he's sooooo cute. And what a man he is when he kills an angel." Kaworu prepared his ATField. "Of course I do, you idiot!" Asuka yelled. Kaworu looked shocked. "And you just fell my ruse! SACRED EVA FIST - GIRLISH FEINT ATTACK!" As she screamed it out, the fist that was near her mouth swung toward Kaworu. "What the f-" was Kaworu's final message. Eva-02's fist smashed into his body, pulverizing the bone to its marrow. His limp, rag-doll body plunged to the ground. Eva-02 jumped into the air, kicking its legs up and waving the victory sign. Asuka screamed out "Ya Tai!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "YEAH!" everyone in NERV screamed. The last and final Angel had been destroyed, and everyone felt good. "No more Angels!" Aoba happily shouted. "No more worrying about Commander Ikari firing us for loafing around!" Hyuuga joined in. "No more having to come here anymore!" Maya cheered, then paused. "Hey, wait a minute! We just lost our jobs!" "WHAT!" everyone in NERV screamed. "Yeah! Now I can drink and have sex every moment of the day!" Misato yelled triumphantly. Everyone just looked at her blankly. "Don't you do that anyway?" was one of Kaji's few remarks in this fic. "So? Why should you complain?" "Good point..." Everyone then fell into a deep silence, not knowing what to say. "Hey! Where's Shinji and Rei?" Asuka screamed over the intercomm. "Oh, man. Not again." Ritsuko said. "Go find them!" Asuka screamed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The search lasted for many hours. When Fuyuutsuki finally suggested just finding out where the big hole in the ground they fell into lead to, it ended. Rei was the first to be freed, mainly because the Shojo vault was before the American vault. "Dear God! My Manga Vault!" Hyuuga screamed. "WAAAAAAAHHHH! I'm sorry!" Rei screamed back. This made everone's jaw drop to the floor. "I couldn't help it! There was nothing else to do!" She then broke down into tears, holding her face in her hands. "What happened?" Misato asked. She looked around and saw copies of Fushigi Yuugi, Sailor Moon, Hana to Yume, and various other shojo manga strewn about the floor. The mini-fridge was emptied, and cans of soda were strewn about. "God I'm bloated!" Rei screamed. Misato shivered. She looked back, and saw Rei crying all over Fuyuutsuki and asking him if she was pretty. "Where's Shinji!?" Asuka demanded again. "He's not in the Shonen or Hentai section." Aoba said. "Then he's in the American section!" Hyuuga concluded. "But if the shojo section had this effect on Rei, what will the American section do to Shinji?" Kensuke, Touji, and Hikari materialized from nowhere, and all gasped at the comment. "Maybe... he's changed for the better." Kensuke said, adjusting his crutches. "We can only hope, Kensuke." Touji said as he faced Hikari, burn bandages clearly visible. "I'm over here, you blind moron." "Well let's find out!" Asuka said impatiently. With that, the main NERV staff pried the door to the American section open. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shinji sat in the chair, not knowing what to do next. He felt emotionless, drained of all life. His recent optimistic outlook on life had been shattered, leaving behind only an empty shell of a boy. Ryoga Hibiki would be impressed. Surrounding Shinji were several graphic novels. Spawn, Youngblood, Lady Death, and The X-men to name a few. "Shinji!" Asuka, Misato, and Rei screamed happily. The glomped onto him, but Shinji gave no response. "Shinji?" Misato asked in a worried tone. "...Life is pain..." "Dear God! The extremely stupid stories by American comic artists and writers have rendered him almost emotionless, save depression!" Hyuuga noted. "This fanfic isn't helping either." mumbled Aoba. "What can we do?" Misato said. No one answered. Suddenly... "YOU CAN DO NOTHING!!" Gendo shouted. Everyone's head turned to him. even Shinji's, albeit slowly. "I have triumphed over Seele and won the bet we had!" "Which was?" Fuyuutsuki asked. "To see whose penis is larger! Mine or Keel's! AND MINE IS THE MORE MAGNIFICENT!" He laughed the laugh of madmen everywhere. "But what about the Evas? And the Angels?" Ritsuko asked. "That was Gainax's idea. I just ironed things out." He responded. "Then all this stuff where our lives got fucked up was because--" Asuka began. "'Cuz I got bored." Gendo stated. Everyone blinked. Everyone scowled. Gendo sweatdropped. "GET'EM!!" Screamed Kaji. Everyone ran after Gendo, who was halfway to where Lillith was. By the time they reached him, Gendo was preparing to start the Third Impact with a spare Rei he had picked up on his way down the hall. Everyone ran into the room and surrounded him. "D'oh!" He said. "I was almost there!" He turned to face his agressors. "What's wrong! Most of you are better off anyways! What's your beef?!" "You used me!" Ritsuko yelled and kicked him in the groin. "You suck in bed!" Fuyuutsuki shouted and slapped him. "And Yui's gone too!" "Because of you I sound like I'm on crack!" Rei wailed at him. "You touched my breast!" The Rei clone screamed and elbowed him in the face. "I'm blind because of you!" Touji yelled as he punched Kensuke. "Kaji's dead because of you!" Misato shouted and drew her gun. "Actually Misato, I'm right-" BLAM! "Ulgk.." said Kaji as he slumped to the floor. "Look what you made me do!" She cried as she shot at Gendo. "You hurt Shinji! And made Misato shoot Kaji! And look stupid!" Asuka screamed as she whupped on him. "I'm miserable." Shinji stated, and punched his father weakly. "What about us!?" Several characters coming through a portal screamed. "Who are you?" Aoba asked. "Characters from other fanfics this guy fucked up!" They said. Soon, everyone from several universes kicked the living shit out of Gendo. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two hours later, Misato's apartment There was a huge party going on at Misato's. Everyone had bid the otherdimensional NERV staff farewell, and all were quite happy (Except Shinji) that all this stupid shit was over. Rei was hanging out with Kensuke and Fuyuutsuki, chirping away happily about how good life was. Misato had revived Kaji, and they were having a drinking contest with Penpen and Hyuuga. Ritsuko and Maya were cuddling on the couch, while Aoba serenaded them. Hikari and Touji were busy making out in some dark corner. All was well. Except Shinji was feeling...Nothing. He stood out on the balcony, looking at the stars. Asuka came out to join him. "Are you okay?" she asked, sounding concerned. "I can't feel anything..." he started. She moved closer to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. "How about now?" At this, he smiled. "That does feel nice." He turned around to face her, still smiling. "Thank you." "A-anytime." She responded. She brought a hand up to stroke his hair. "Shinji, I, I love you." Shinji was shocked. Asuka had never been so open to anyone in all her life, as far as he had known, yet here she was, baring herself to him. All the emotions that had been buried for all of three hours welled back up in him. "I love you too." He said. With that, two souls that truly belonged to each other kissed with a love and passion that would burn the sun. They pulled each other closer, and felt each other through their clothing. Then they noticed that certain parts of human anatomy tend to be more noticeable when you're this close to someone. They disengaged and looked at each other, eyes wide. "Shinji?" "Y-yes?" "My room. Now." Shinji nodded in agreement. hey then made their way through the crowd of happy people to Asuka's room. Once inside, they began passionately making out, and stripping each other of their clothing. You've got an imagination. I'm not gonna spell it out for you, just go read a lemon. Suffice to say, it came to this: Asuka was straddling Shinji, his PROGRESSIVE KNIFE in hand. Asuka was looking down at Shinji's PROGRESSIVE KNIFE, and was just about to PUT IT IN HER SHEATH. Shinji was also looking down at his PROGRESSIVE KNIFE, since this was exciting for him after all. Asuka was very close to losing her virginity. She inhaled, closed her eyes, and shifted her weight to fall on his PROGRESSIVE KNIFE... When the Third Impact happened. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To Be Concluded... One more 'til this is over! E-mail me with some comments!