Still Darkness

"Penguin."

"Yes. . . what did you say?" The nurse turned to look at the girl who hadn't said a word in years. Her eyes weren't really focused, but she was looking in the general area of the television screen that had a nature special about the surviving penguins and how they were adapting to the hot weather since Second Impact.

"Penguin."

From the psychiatric files of Misato Katsuragi:

Tape 1

"So, how are you?"

"Where's Mom?" Her voice sounded terrible from disuse.

"She'll be here soon."

"Can I have a penguin?"

"Penguins are hard to take care of, but I'm sure we can get you a stuffed one. It's awfully bright in here. Do you mind if I turn them down a little?"

There are sounds of Misato making discomfort noises.

"OK, I'll keep the lights as they are. Do you remember what happened?"

"Happened? I woke up in a dark place. I didn't like it. I. . . don't want to remember."

"Why do you hate the dark so much?"

"Because I'm afraid it'll come again."

"What? "

There are sounds of Misato crying. "I don't know."

Tape 2

"So, how do you like your new penguin?"

"He's cute. He's not real, though."

"That's to be expected."

"I know. I've named him Pen-pen or Pen squared, get it?"

"Yes, I do. I heard you sleep with him."

"Yeah."

"Why do you like penguins so much?"

Because they always look well-dressed."

Doctor's notes: Even though various government agencies have called my office asking me to push her to answer the question of what she saw, I refuse to do so. Considering that it took her years to even open her mouth, I told them that I would do so only when there was a possibility of getting a coherent answer. Also doctor-patient confidentiality binds me to stay mum even if she did answer. She would have to give me written permission to give out information of that nature. Any unnecessary trauma at that time might send her back to a catatonic state.

Tape 5

"Every time we try to turn the lights down, you panic. Why is that?"

"It reminds me of something bad."

"What is that something bad?"

"I remember being trapped in a dark place. I couldn't get out. My head and chest hurt really bad. I think I was bleeding. I was alone and I kept on screaming, but nobody heard me. There was this boom as if something had exploded and I could hear rocks raining down and hitting the capsule."

"You were in a capsule."

"I must've been. It wasn't a room, and I couldn't really move. Just thinking about it makes me feel scared."

"Does Pen-pen make you feel less scared? I notice that you've been dimming the lights when you go to sleep."

"Well, when I have him next to me, I don't know. He makes me feel safe. It doesn't make sense, huh?"

Tape 6

"How was your visit with your mother?"

"It was OK, I guess. She kept bursting into tears. I've been away for a long time."

"Yes."

Doctor's notes: I interviewed Misato Katsuragi's mother. She states that a few years before 2nd Impact, she and Misato's father, Dr. Katsuragi of the Antarctic expedition, had had a very messy breakup. She had full custody of Misato, but her father had wanted to take her for a couple weeks to his base in Antarctica. She had protested saying that Antarctica was no place for a child, but felt that even this visit was better than no visit at all considering his spotty history of visitation. She now regrets agreeing to it, bitterly stating that he had charmed Misato into it by saying she could see penguins up close.

Tape 7

"I see you're not holding your doll anymore."

"I got tired of it."

"Why?"

"I. . . I don't care about penguins any more. I hate them. I hate them." There are sounds of crying on the tape. "He doesn't keep the dreams away anymore."

"What kind of dreams?"

"The dreams where everything went wrong. When I saw it."

"What did you see?"

"I don't know, really. Everything around me was devastated, then something came out of the ground. Something with wings."

"Was it like a huge bird?"

"It was nothing like a bird, the wings were gold and transparent.

More like panes of glass with gold edging, but huge. It shone and it was connected to a light that lit up the night sky. I must've been miles away from where it was; but I could still see it."

"Were you afraid?"

"Afraid? I was numb by then. I just heard this big rumble like thunder. It hovered, then it flew up. It was dark then. I called out for anybody to hear me, but nobody was there. Once I stopped yelling, it was so quiet. Nobody was there. I sat down in the capsule. I was stranded. I didn't see any land. It was so warm, I ended up having to take off my jacket. I must've gone to sleep because I remember waking up to hearing helicopters above me."

Tape 8

"I see you're holding Pen-Pen again."

"Uh-huh."

"I also notice the stuffing coming from the gaping hole in his stomach. I could get one of the staff to stitch him back up."

"That would be nice."

"You've been making a great deal of progress. Staff tells me that now all you need is a brighter than usual night light. Your mother is extremely anxious to have you home. Perhaps, we could let you out soon.

There will be some adjustment, and you will need to catch up on your school work. How does that sound?"

There is a pause. "I guess it's OK."

"Something troubling you? A couple of sessions ago, you talked about what you saw hovering above the Antarctic."

"What I saw, was it real?"

"I'm not in a position to say. You were the only one there. All I know from the medical records was that you were brought in with loss of blood, a severe gash to the sternum, shock and a bruise indicating a blow to the head. You probably did see an explosion which threw off an enormous shock wave of light and heat. In fact, if you claimed not to have seen anything, I would consider that quite suspicious."

"I've been reading about Second Impact. That's what I saw, huh?"

"Yes."

"I'm the only survivor of that expedition?"

There is an audible sigh. "Yes, I'm afraid so. All except for one member who left early. I'm afraid I wasn't given his name. The rescue team searched for weeks, looking for another escape capsule, yours was the only one they found. I didn't bring it up earlier because I wanted you to be able to ask for the news."

"Was my father responsible for 2nd Impact?"

"Oh, no. It was in all the papers, an asteroid hit that continent. It basically vaporized it. You were lucky to survive at all. It's like what scientists believe happened to the dinosaurs, what they've called First Impact. There's nothing that you or your father could've done other than what he did. Still, I'm curious why you were in the Antarctic in the first place."

"You have to understand my father in order to understand how I ended up there. He's the type of guy that could charm you, wow you with his intelligence, and handsome. You'd think he was some dream man, but when you need him for something there'd always be something else that would get in the way. He's the type of guy who didn't care what kind of attention he got as long as he got it. There's an old saying about a guy like that, he looks big until you see him from the side. I didn't want to go, but he was arguing with Mom and making her cry. So I went. He always had to have his own way."

"I hated it all the time I was there. It was cold and dark and there were no penguins within miles of where we were. He lied to me, that bakatare. I ended up staying inside the base camp all the time. All they talked about was science stuff."

"I was asleep when it hit. The roof just blew off. I tried to hide under the bed, but everything got blasted everywhere. I must've been knocked unconscious because the last thing I remember is seeing my father. He was cut up pretty bad, then he shut the lid on me. Do you know what I thought while I was alone in the dark, being battered to a pulp inside that capsule?"

"Why don't you tell me?"

"That if he hadn't insisted I come, I wouldn't have been in this mess. He knew what kind of things were going on in that base and he still took me. I remembered stuff like how he'd flirt with other women in front of my mom because all the love she was giving him wasn't enough for him, how often on weekends he wouldn't come home because his dream of a Nobel Prize was more important than we were. I laughed when he cried when Mom handed him the divorce papers. I used to wonder if he cried because it hurted his ego rather than his heart. I tried to be so good because Mom couldn't handle any more stress, but I hated it because I had to balance his being bad with my being good."

"By the end of two weeks, I was sick of him. I was going to tell him I didn't want to see him any more that he was bad for me and Mom. I was going to tell him that I hated his guts; that I wanted him dead."

"So, you went into a catatonia because you felt guilty that he died so you could live, that your wish may have caused his death. You couldn't face yourself for hating a weak man who turned out to love you."

"You don't understand. I hated him before, but now I hate him even more because I owe him now. I owe him my life and I still hate him. He didn't love me, he just couldn't face the world hearing about how the great Dr. Katsuragi was a coward who selfishly took an escape capsule instead of rescuing his daughter. He couldn't face my mother if he had let me die. He couldn't face the shame, the ridicule, the hatred of strangers. Because you see that's what he said before he put me in. He said, "I couldn't face your mother if I was this capsule, but you weren't." But no matter what his reasons were, he did put me in the capsule. But I don't want to owe him. I hate it! I hate it!"

Doctor's Notes: Six months after her awakening, Misato Katsuragi was released from the institution as the Board felt that her problems were not considered severe enough to warrant institutionalization. I had my doubts about releasing her so soon. She may be able to deal with day to day living, but I worry that the issues raised during my counseling sessions have not been resolved. There is still darkness around her.

The End