Lights out


It's freezing cold in the cell. They won't even bother to
even fix the bloody air-conditioning in here.

My cot only has a bedspread and a thin quilt, comfortable
enough, but I don't want to fall asleep. Sleep will only
bring nightmares, not as frightening as the one I'm living
now, but enough to make me shake and sweat all over. The one
time I did fall asleep in here, I dreamt that I saw my
mother strangling a little girl version of Rei Ayanami, and
then my mother's features contorted and twisted into mine.
And Rei Ayanami wouldn't die, even though I was strangling
her with every ounce of strength in my body, and she kept
repeating, 'You old useless hag. You old useless hag.' I
woke up trembling and sick to the stomach, and I haven't
fallen asleep since.

The dark is like a living grave, threatening to swallow and
bury me alive. They won't waste any electricity on lights
for me either. I'm only a prisoner, after all. I wonder if
_she_ has to live the same ordeal every day. Never able to
come alive, having no free will, five senses sharp and alert
yet unable to react to stimulation... poor woman. Funny how
after all this time I still feel no guilt, only pity... for
my mother, and for _her_ . There is no need for guilt, since
there never _has_ been any proof.

When my back starts to ache from hours of hunching over, I
stretch out straight on the hard metal cot and stare at the
invisible ceiling. It feels scary, as if the ceiling and the
four walls don't exist, and I'm not contained by anything
but my mind. Even though I know I'm in a 3 metre by 5 metre
confinement cell, I feel as if I could walk out of here at
any time I want. Of course, whether I want to do so or not
is another matter. I feel secure and safe in here, away from
the world. Almost as if the invisible walls are confining
the rest of the world from _me_ .

I don't feel like a thirty-one year-old woman any more. My
years are peeling off me like layers of old chipped paint,
and I'm as naïve and romantic as a teenager... but isn't
that what I've always been? Naïve and idealistic... the
years have simply taught me how to hide what I really am,
building me a mask which in time has become a substitute for
my true self.

Even now--and I am ashamed as I admit this to myself--a
small tiny insignificant part of me is praying reverently
that he'll turn back and forgive me.

After all these years, I've been the happiest when I'm in
his arms. When he holds me, I don't have to be strong
anymore, I can rely on him, because he has the power to
shape the world's destiny, he is the firmest and most
resolute man in the world. I don't have to hold my back as
straight as a post, I can sink into his arms and revel in
the comfort it gives me, like those lovesick women do in the
trashy love novels Maya loves to read under her desk.

Funny how I should think of Maya right now. I do think I owe
her an apology. She's always seen me as a role model, a
sharp career woman, an intelligent scientist. The young are
always so impressionable. How deceptive I have been, how
misled she has been in her opinion of me. I think I will
apologize to her next time I see her... if I see her again.

If I ever see anyone again...

Then the lights flash on glaringly.

-CLANG- The cell door opens.

'Visitor for you, Dr. Akagi,' intones the guard. 'Ten
minutes.'

-CLANG- The door closes. The lights dim, slightly.

I sit up, rubbing my eyes, then squint at the visitor, who
is standing at the door silently. I'm not really in the mood
to talk to anyone. I grope for my glasses and stick them on
my face.

'Maya?' I hear myself say tiredly. 'How nice of you to
visit. I'm sorry there aren't any chairs, you'll have to
make do with the bed.'

I gesture for her to sit down beside me on the cot, but she
stays by the door. She appears hesitant, full of pity, and
disappointment. She's struggling between whether or not to
say something. Finally, she speaks.

'Senpai...' she says. 'Why--why did you do it, Senpai?'

The respecting way in which she addresses me, and the
bewilderment in her voice, it almost shames me to tears. But
I am too tired to explain, and I tell her so.

'Senpai, I just--please me honest with me, Senpai... I just
want you to be honest with me--it hurts so much to see you
like this...'

Even in her state of uncertainty, her deep respect for me is
still there. Time to put a stop to that. I don't deserve it,
and neither does she, to be misled in this way.

'Maya,' I say gently. 'I'm not really--'

She says intensely, fists clenching, 'I know--it's--it's
because of, of, of the Commander, Commander Ikari, isn't it,
you did it because of him, I know you did! It must have been
him! Only he could have caused you so much pain, only he
would make you do something like this--'

'Maya!' I shout.

She stops at the sharpness in my voice and cringes. 'I-I-I'm
s-s-sorry Senpai! I didn't mean, I didn't mean... oh, I
shouldn't have, I'm so sorry...'

'It's... it's okay, Maya. I shouldn't have yelled.' And I
shouldn't have. Who am I to raise my voice to anyone? And
she's right about the Commander, though God knows how she
guessed.

'But, but I'm really sorry, it's not in my place to--'

'Maya, I said it's okay,' I repeat.

The poor girl is distraught, biting her lip in an effort to
keep her tears back. It shames me again to think that I am
worth enough for anyone to cry over me.

'Really, it's okay,' I repeat.

She sniffles a bit and dries her eyes. 'Senpai... what are
they... what is the Commander going to do to you? I mean,
they're not going to keep you in solitary confinement for
ever...'

I lean back and sigh. 'I don't know, Maya. I honestly don't
know.' To tell the truth, I really hadn't given it much
thought either. I've never considered what I'd do after all
the Angels were killed: I'd always expected Gendo would be
there for me. But now, he had no more use for me. What
happened after you became expendable? 

With a shock, I remembered what had happened to my mother.
She left a note for me before she died, and I found it in my
desk one week after her death. I never told anyone, not even
the police when they came to investigate. I can remember it 
word for word:

'The concerns between men and women, they are always so
complicated, not like the mathematical theories and numbers
I love which are so straight-forward. I am tired of all
these complications. Ritsuko, my daughter, I am sorry.
Please find it in your heart to forgive me--'

There was a whole sentence which had been thoroughly crossed
out, but when I looked carefully at it, I could make out the
words, 'And I hope to God you never make the same mistakes I
did.'

Of course, I didn't pay enough attention to my mother. I
threw the note away after I'd fallen in love with Gendo. I
am once again reminded of the stupidity of all my actions
and decisions.

'Senpai?' Maya says, concerned, when she sees me cover my
mouth. I try to stop the words from tumbling out, but I
can't.

'He's going to kill me, he's going to kill me. He's going to
kill me.' I can't stop the tears either.

'Senpai, don't cry, don't cry,' Maya says desperately,
sitting on the bed and folding her arms around me. I rest my
head on her shoulder, and allow her to wipe the tears from
my face. They stop after a while, and I remain in her arms
for a moment longer. It feels strange. I'm clinging to her
for comfort, but there's something more that I can feel,
which is vaguely alarming, yet pleasant. I've never been
hugged by a woman before, only my mother. And Maya's embrace
is so much different. The only person's arms I've ever been
in are Gendo's, so I really wouldn't know. One obvious
difference is that Maya has breasts, and her embrace is much
softer. There's something else, too, that I can't quite put
my finger on.

At length, I rub my eyes against her shoulder and sit up.

'Um, Maya?'

'Yes, Senpai?'

'How... how did you know? About the commander, I mean. I
would have thought we kept our affair secret enough.'

She removes her arm from my shoulders, puts it in her lap
with her other arm and glances away. 'It's so obvious, the
way you look at him. Even when he's being a total asshole,
you look at him as if he's the only man in the whole world.'

I chuckle in embarrassment. I never knew that I did that.

'And... sometimes when you look at Rei... it's almost as if--
as if you're jealous of her.'

I redden. Then I remember something. 'Wait. How do you know
who--what Rei is?' Maya isn't supposed to know... as far as
I remember.

It is her turn to redden. 'I'm sorry. When I was working on
the dummy plug system with you, I came across some old
files, and I--I found out.'

I fidget a bit. 'Anything more that you know?'

She reddens even more. 'Well... there was this time that,
um... I overheard this conversation between you and the
Commander, and um, well...'

Christ, how embarrassing.

'Um, I'm sorry,' Maya says again.

I shake my head. 'No, there's no need to be. I never knew
you noticed that much about me, actually. It's quite
flattering.' I try to laugh, but it catches in my throat. 
'I'm... I'm just... I'm worthless. I don't rate enough to 
deserve so much attention, you know.' I bend over and rest 
my head in my hands.

'But... but you do.'

The warmth in Maya's voice makes me look up. 'What?'

Her voice trembles with emotion as she speaks. 'You're one
of the leading scientists in the fields of biochemistry and
technology. Y-you've done so much for NERV and for the
people of Tokyo-3. Your expertise and knowledge have saved
us from Angels more than once! And, and, and, and just
because of the Commander--of what's happened, you shouldn't
put yourself down like this! I know, I... know I'll never
really understand how you're feeling, but...well, you
just... I mean... you matter. You do. You're important to 
m-many people. Just don't... just don't...' Then she bursts
into tears.

Great. Just great. First me, now her. I've never been good
at this comforting thing. I pull her close and hug her, just
like she did for me. 'Come on, don't be silly, don't cry...'

She buries her face gently into my chest. 'I'm sorry... I'm
just so worried for you... I don't want you to be hurt...
you'll come out of this all right, won't you?'

'I don't know... I guess.'

She sits up a little and nods her head. 'I hope so.' She
buries her face into my shoulder and hugs me a bit more
tightly, so I can feel my heart beating against hers.

This feeling... it's pleasant. To be holding someone, to be
needed, to offer support. It's nice to know you're needed,
even if it is only for something as trivial as this. I rest
my chin against the top of her head and say thank-you.

She chuckles a little. Then she does possibly the nicest
thing anyone has ever done for me in my whole life. She
presses her lips gently into my shoulder, so that I feel her
words as well as hear them, and whispers, 'I love you.'
Twice.

Words, so simply put, yet so beautiful to hear.

I hold her for a moment, for an eternity, I don't know how
long. My mind is in a whirl.

-CLANG- The unfeeling metal door slams open. 'Ten minutes
are up,' intones the guard.

Maya pulls out of my arms. 'Well... I guess I'll be going,'
she says.

I nod. 'Goodbye, Maya. Thanks for coming.'

'Goodbye, Senpai.' And she is gone. The door slams shut
again, and I am left in darkness that feels more dreadful
than before.

Would it be fair to say that my heart has never felt joy and
loss until now? What has Maya given me? She cares for me,
she has comforted me and depended on me, has made me feel
needed, more needed than I have ever felt in my life. She
has made me feel loved despite my not being worthy of it...
what else? She worries for my happiness. She truly feels me
to be somebody worth loving...!

My only regret now is that I will never have the opportunity
to repay her for this love. I'll never be able to feel about
her the way she feels about me. There's been no time for me
to learn. So much time, wasted, when I could have done
something worthwhile with it.

I lean back on the cot, close my eyes and sleep.