Light in my life By Ka-Wing Tam (gaurry_gabriev@yahoo.com) A Neon Genesis Evangelion Fanfic Disclaimer Characters are not mine, and this was not written for any purpose other than personal enjoyment. --- I don't know why I love you. But I know I do. --- Touji. I am Suzuhara Touji. I am Suzuhara Touji, 14 years of age. I am Suzuhara Touji, 14 years of age, in classroom 2B at the Tokyo-3 Municipal High School. I am Suzuhara Touji, 14 years of age, Fourth Children, designated pilot of EVA-03. Am I? I _was_ Suzuhara Touji. I _was_ Suzuhara Touji, 14 years of age, in classroom 2B at the Tokyo-3 Municipal High School. I _was_ Suzuhara Touji, 14 years of age, Fourth Children, designated pilot of EVA-03. It's all in the past now. --- I am stuck here in my own body. I can look out of the window, at the sky outside and the tree that grows right outside my window and the bird's nest in a tree branch. That is all I can do, now. The wind is blowing outside. I can see the branches waving wildly in the air, but I can't hear a thing. I think about you a lot, you know. That's all I can do, too. I can look out of the window, and I can close my eyes, and I can fly as far as I want to, wherever I want to, to the ends of the sky and the earth if I want to, but if I open my eyes again, I am trapped in my own body, and I am lying here, and there's nothing I can do about it. I hate this body. I can't be with you when I am in this body. I wish I could see you right now. I wish you were right here with me. --- One time, you asked me to carry some books to the staffroom with you, and my hands accidentally touched yours when you were handing them to me. One time, we were walking together in the corridor and our arms touched, but you kept yours there and I kept mine there too, gently touching. One time, I fell asleep on duty, and you came to wake me up. One time, you told me not to use so many paper cups when I drank water, and I purposely brought my mug to school the next day. One time, your computer broke and I told you how to fix it. One time, you were cold and I lent you my jacket, but you gave it back to me because I was cold too. One time, I came so close to putting my arms around you, but you turned and looked straight at me, and I felt afraid. One time, I had some trouble with biology homework, and you helped me with it. One time, we went on a school ski trip together and you learnt how to snowboard before I did. One time, I caught myself looking up at the night sky because it was so beautiful, and noticed you looking at it right along with me. One time, I overheard you playing the piano in the chorus room, and I stood outside listening to you play. One time, when you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you looking at me too. One time, we bumped into each other on the way to school, and we walked together for a while. One time, I stood behind you as you hunched over your work for more than 10 minutes and you knew I was there, but you didn't say anything. One time, you asked me if I thought friendship was the same as love, and I laughed off the question. I wish I had answered it. --- I woke up in the middle of the night. I wanted to squeeze myself into a tiny ball and hug my knees against my chest and cry, but I couldn't, so I closed my eyes and imagined myself doing it. I had a bad dream. I was dreaming about you and me, together. We were running down flights and flights of stairs inside a huge building, see, and I was in front of you, and you were trying to catch up with me, laughing and panting all at once, and I would look back at you, and laugh as well, and along the way, we would run into magical soldiers like the ones in my video games, and we fought them and beat them, and kept going. And finally, when we ran out of stairs to run down, we grabbed each others' hands and jumped out of the closest window, and we started to fall. But I knew that nothing was going to happen, and we landed safely on the ground. Then I turned to you, hugged you close to me, and started to cry, because I knew none of it was real. I had no leg, how could I run? I had no arm, how could I hold your hand? You weren't here, how could I hug you close to me? When I was ready to stop crying, I imagined myself uncurling and lying straight on the bed again, and I opened my eyes. --- I miss you a lot. When I have nothing to do, (I always have nothing to do, here) I look out of the window and think. I think about my friends. I think about the world. I think about school. I run out of things to think about, then I start to think about you. Recently I have been thinking about you more and more. If only I had tried to tell you before. Then maybe you would be here now. Every time I imagine you here with me, I feel better. You said you'd cook for me, remember? I liked the way you tied your hair, it was so cute. You smiled a lot. You liked to laugh with and at me, but I liked it more when you laughed with me. You were all demanding and responsible and critical of me, keeping me in check all the time. I'm glad you were. You never minded when I didn't behave well in public. Maybe you did, but you never said anything. I liked being with you. You were fun to talk to, although we never did talk about much. You never liked to talk about yourself, where I would ramble on and on and on. Sometimes, I can't help feeling depressed. When that happens, even the thought of you can't make me feel better. I am so weak. I'm so useless! All I can do is lie here and think, and do nothing! I can't even tell you how I feel now. Even if I could, I wouldn't be able to make you feel the same way about me the way I do about you. I hate myself. The only time I feel good about myself is when I think about you. But I'm sure you don't like me using you that way. --- I had another dream. I dreamed that I told you I loved you, and you said that you loved me too! But I woke up, and realised it was only a dream, and started wanting to cry again, except that I couldn't cry. So I had to imagine myself crying again so that I could let out my grief. Losing an arm, losing my leg, losing my identity, nothing matters. I can't even remember why I'm in here anymore. I can't remember anything. I'm losing my mind as well. Looking out the window no longer gives me any comfort. Your face is the only thing that is still real and exists in my world. In my mind's eye, I can see your round eyes, your small round nose, your smile, and that's all I can see. Isn't that sad? Because, I wish there was more in my world than you. You are all I need to fill my world, but it is not fair for you to bear such a burden. I wonder why we didn't talk that much before, when we had time. I was willing to, and I'm sure you would've been willing to as well. But we just never really talked. Neither of us wanted to open up first. I wish I had taken a first step. But now, I can't walk anymore. I can't do anything. I'm useless. I wish I could see you now! Nothing else matters anymore. --- Time passes, and nothing happens. Everything goes on the way it did before. No one understands. No one talks to me anymore, and my only company is the voice in my head that tells me that I love you. All the other voices left me. I still look out the window. I still think about you. --- Fate was kind to me one day. "Good morning, Suzuhara-kun." "...Yo, incho." "...They finally let me visit." "I see. It's nice of you to come. Gets lonely in here all by myself." "Yes, I would think so. What do you do to pass the time?" "... Look out the window, mostly." "It is a pretty view from here." "Yeah, it is." "Say..." "Hmm?" "I brought you something to eat. I cooked it myself...! I wonder if it's okay to let you eat it..." "...Sure. Thank you. You shouldn't have." "No, no, no! I'm happy to cook it for you!" I turned away so she wouldn't be able to see my face. "Can I come visit you again tomorrow?" "I'd love you too." She smiled, in the way that only she can smile. I felt her put her hand softly on my one good arm. --- I don't know why I love you. But I think you do. --- END Notes: Probably quite OOC. I don't know, I tried. Well, if a person's bored enough, like Touji is, (wouldn't you be? stuck in a hospital bed all day) their minds will say anything. Written November 2000