-- SPOILER ALERT - The following fan-fiction contains spoilers. Watch the entire series first. I'm not joking. -- This fan fiction is adapted from Neon Genesis Evangelion, produced by Gainax. All characters thereof are the property of Gainax. They are used without permission and no claim on them is made by this author. -- Previous parts can be found at: http://wyrmhole.net/abp/fanfic.html I am Myself, part 3 by Chris Burke -- Don't don't don't let's start. This is the worst part: to believe for all the world that you're my precious little girl. -- They Might be Giants -- Misato sat down in her living room and opened her beer. The sun shone through the windows and onto the floor. The rectangular beams of light were made visible in the air by slowly spinning dust motes. They danced gracefully, each incandescing in turn as it whirled to catch the light. Misato watched the ballet, silently grateful for this rare moment of peace. When she heard the front door open, she was reluctant to break the silence to discover who was there. Then the door crashed violently against its frame, leaving no doubt as to who had arrived. The destruction of her peace was brief and merciless. "Hi, Asuka" she said hopefully as the red-head blazed into the room. "Don't 'Hi Asuka' me," she yelled as she walked through the room without slowing. "Don't even speak to me. Between you and Wonder Girl, I'm so pissed right now I can't breathe." She was out of sight before Misato could even say a word. Misato sat quietly, and jerked when she heard the door to Asuka's room slam. Then she took a long draught of beer. It wasn't long before the front door opened again, and Misato's second charge made a more peaceful entrance. She made a second attempt: "Hi, Shinji-kun." "Hi, Misato-san," he replied. Not cheerfully, but with a measure of comfort. Misato relaxed, just a little. At least someone was being nice to her. "Have a good day at school?" Shinji shrugged. "Not really." "Oh," she said, a little surprised by the honest answer. "Um... any reason, or just the same stuff as usual?" "Asuka," he said, downtrodden. "She's in a really bad mood today." "I noticed." "Sorry," he said. "Hm..." Misato ignored the apology, but at the same time wondered why he took Asuka's moods so personally. "Shinji... She said something about Rei when she came in..." She saw him draw inward slightly, then reply: "I didn't see it, but I heard they got in a fight at lunch." He then added softly: "I wish she'd leave Ayanami alone." "Hmmm..." Misato said, only partly feeling sympathy for the boy. she wanted to say, She refrained from asking, instead watching Shinji leave for his own room. When it came to raising teenagers, Misato admitted she really didn't know what she was doing. She was winging it, and ended up making a lot of mistakes. Mistakes she would hear about, especially from Asuka. Yet she could live with that. Being somehow dragged into someone else's argument was another matter. For the moment, however, she enjoyed her beer and the silence. -- "What is happening to me?" Rei cried out at the bare wall of her apartment. With a cry she hurled her pillow at its muteness. she thought, Her breathing slowed, and she sat on her bed. A week. She'd lost a week of her life unaccountably. How was this possible? It made no sense. she told herself. She must have been active -- missing a week of work would not have gone unnoticed. She had been living, but couldn't remember it. What had she done? Perhaps Asuka was the key. Something must have happened within the missing week to make Asuka respond like that. But she couldn't remember. The possibilities churned through her mind briefly, but she stopped them. If there was a physical explanation for the missing week, then there was no point in trying to diagnose it herself. That was the Doctor's job. Having reached that conclusion, her spirits rose considerably. No sense worrying about the unknown. In the meantime, Asuka may be a more difficult problem now, but she still had her Shin-chan. Or would have him. She smiled and went to prepare her dinner. -- Misato leaned against the wall of the hallway outside of the cages with her arms crossed. She said nothing when Asuka walked past her to the locker rooms; the Second Child didn't even look at her. "Good job today, Shinji-kun," she encouraged when he passed. He shrugged and mumbled thanks. When Rei entered the hall, Misato stepped away from the wall. "Rei, I want to talk to you." Rei stopped in front of Misato and clasped her hands behind her back. "What is it, sir?" There it was again - that strange tone. Now Misato knew she hadn't been imagining the voice from the entry plug. She couldn't identify it, though... "Well, first, I wanted to say you did very well today. Your best score yet." "Thank you, sir," she said, and a faint smile showed on her face. "Is something wrong, Rei?" Misato lowered her arms and leaned forward. "No... I was just going to go see Dr. Akagi after I change." Cheerful. Rei sounded cheerful. Misato was confused. She moved on to the reason she had stopped the First. "What happened with you and Asuka? She came home from school yelling at me about you." To Misato's continued amazement, a clear expression of sorrow materialized on Rei's face. "I was just trying to be nice," she said. "I just wanted to be friends. But she yelled at me." The girl looked up at her officer. "She said you ordered me to do it." "Well, I have said it would be good if you got along better," Misato responded, still trying to put her head around what was going on. "I never really thought it'd happen, though. You two have never gotten along." "Why?" Rei pleaded. "What did I do to her? I want to be friends." "Rei?" Misato asked incredulously, as if wondering if she was talking to the right person. "Rei, what is wrong?" "What do you mean?" Rei asked, taking a step back. "You're acting strange. What is wrong?" "N.. Nothing..." the girl responded, backing up more. Misato added nervousness to the growing list of previously unknown emotional expression. She forgot about Asuka. Something was wrong with her pilot, and Misato's instinct for command took over. "Rei," she said firmly. She backed Rei against the wall, put her hand beside the girl's head. "Tell me what is wrong. That is an order." Rei didn't respond directly. She bent her head down, and moaned softly. Misato held still, waiting. "Rei," she said sharply. The girl raised her head and fixed Misato with a flat, solid gaze. "There is nothing wrong, sir," she said in the manner of Ayanami Rei. Misato remained leaning over the girl, but the firmness of her voice was gone. "Rei?" "I am well, sir. There are no problems." The Major stood there in confusion. What happened? "May I go now, sir?" "Umm... Sure," Misato answered, because she couldn't think of a reason why not. She watched the pilot walk away for a moment, then hurried in the opposite direction. She caught the elevator just before the doors closed to take Dr. Akagi down to her lab. "I need to talk to you," she said between breaths. "Something just happened." "What?" Ritsuko asked calmly. "I was just talking to Rei, and she was acting really weird. I mean really weird, for Rei. Like happy, and sad, and she was talking a lot. Then suddenly she was back to normal." Misato frowned. "For Rei," she qualified. "Is that so?" Ritsuko said nonchalantly. "I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it." Misato followed Ritsuko out of the elevator. "I'm worried. Could this be evidence of that 'mental instability' you mentioned before?" "Perhaps," Ritsuko said half-heartedly as the pair entered the lab. "Or it could be she's just opening up more. Or it's that time of the month. I don't know, but as long as she's piloting well, I wouldn't worry about it." "It's my job to worry about the pilots," Misato said, folding her arms. "If there's a problem, I need to deal with it before it affects her piloting." "You're not usually so pro-active," Ritsuko observed sardonically. Misato replied tersely: "If you're theory's correct, the last time something like this happened she was grounded for two months. That is something to worry about." "It was just a theory," Ritsuko countered. Then she sighed, and said: "I understand your concern, but you should really leave matters involving Ayanami Rei to me. It's better that way." "Hmm... Is that so?" Misato muttered. "All right, I'll let you handle it. That's all I wanted to talk about, so I'd better get going." Misato wasn't satisfied, but Ritsuko's feigned indifference put her on guard. She turned out of the lab, and left for home. Half an hour later, Rei walked down the hallway, dressed once again in her school uniform. As she approached the partially open double doors, she heard the Commander and Dr. Akagi speaking. She stepped near to the door and listened, to determine if it would be an inopportune time to enter. "And has the increased dosage had any effect?" "It's too early to say," Dr. Akagi's voice answered. "The incidents have been growing more frequent, though it has been a week since she reported anything." "Will this affect her ability to pilot?" "No, assuming she doesn't kill herself by overdosing again." "That is your responsibility. There will not be another accident." "Yes, sir." "Dismissed." Rei leaned against the wall beside the door. Two thoughts came to her, invoking despair and anger in turn: and then She stood and faced the door to the office as it opened and shut. "Oh, Rei," Ritsuko said. "Were you looking for me or for Commander Ikari?" Rei said nothing, her eyes locked on the Doctor's. "So you overheard us." Rei nodded briefly. Her stare intensified. "Don't look at me like that," Ritsuko admonished. "He already knew." "You said you would not tell him." Rei's flat statement carried condemnation. "He's known for a long time, Rei. There's no point in trying to hide anything from him, so I may as well keep him updated. He ordered me to, after all." Seeing Rei's unwavering look, she continued: "Well, fine then. We have tests to do, so come on." She left toward her lab. Rei watched the Doctor's back for a moment, then followed. -- Rei looked around her apartment, illuminated by her dim desk lamp. The bed, the walls, her hanging clothes. Familiar things that had become suddenly threatening, their presence a source of anxiety. Seeing them, the dirty bandages, the refrigerator on which her pills sat, one panicked question came to her mind. The last thing she remembered was Major Katsuragi confronting her in the hallway outside the cages. She was going to go see Dr. Akagi. She looked at the clock. Four hours had passed without her knowledge. she thought. If she wasn't already... She picked up her phone, and dialed Dr. Akagi. "Hello," the Doctor answered. "Dr. Akagi," Rei said. Her voice shook slightly. "What do you want now?" she answered tersely. Rei hesitated briefly, hearing her tone. "Doctor... I need your help badly. I meant to see you today, but..." "What's wrong?" Dr. Akagi's voice was suddenly filled with concern. "I don't know. I can't remember anything that happened today after the tests. And I can't remember last week at all. Nothing is making any sense, and I'm worried I'm cracking up." Dr. Akagi sighed. Her calm helped to relax Rei. "Have you been taking your medication?" "My medication?" "Yes, Rei. The little tablets that come in the child-proof bottles?" "Ah... Actually, I think I forgot to take them today." The Doctor clicked her tongue. "Rei, I've told you how important taking your medication is for your health. I told you that if you didn't take it you wouldn't be able to pilot." "I'm sorry," Rei answered. "I've been forgetful lately, and I've been preoccupied with the memory loss. It's been frightening." "It's all right. Just go take your pills now, and I'm certain you'll start feeling better." "Yes, sir. I'll do that." "Good. Goodbye." The Doctor hung up. Rei set the phone down, feeling much relieved. She swallowed two pills from the bottle. "Silly girl. You'd worried yourself over nothing," she said, laughing lightly. Minutes later she was struggling for her bed, her head pounding. -- The next day, Rei traversed the walkway to the entry plug poised above Unit 00's exposed neck. Her feet carried her automatically towards her duties, as her mind roamed in a realm of doubt. she thought, and the thought disturbed her. If Akagi could be believed, it could have been a long time. Akagi could not be trusted, but she may have been telling the truth. Perhaps the Doctor had betrayed her much earlier. Today, even, he had done nothing but tell Akagi to continue. She wanted to think that it was not a problem. She wanted to think that the Commander trusted Doctor Akagi, and that she should as well. She wanted reassurance, but she had none. Her thoughts instead dwelled on the possibility that he had known /then/. Had known yet not resisted. Still done that to her. She ascended the final step to the platform by the plug. Roboticly she climbed into the plug. The hatch shut above her. Disorientation as the plug spun home. A brief loss of self as the connection began, and then the plug was filled with the view of the Eva cages. The synch test began. The Major spoke. "Rei, you're slipping. Concentrate." "Yes, sir," she said softly. Her brow creased. She barely noticed when the test ended, becoming aware only when the connection was severed and the plug was again dark. "Good job, Asuka and Shinji," the Major's voice said cheerfully over the comm. The two pilots left their Evas for the locker room. Alone in the cages, Rei heard Misato's voice. "Rei, this was a poor showing. Fifty-five is your worst in three months. I know you can do better; just this week you had your personal best. Shape up." "Yes, sir." Her voice did its job of concealing any emotion she felt well. She exited the plug, stopping on the platform to breathe in failure. On her way to the locker room, with each step, she repeated to herself: -- When Ayanami awoke the first thing she did was check the date on her clock. Her shoulders slumped. With a sigh, she picked up the bottle from her refrigerator. Rei stopped with two pills in one hand, and her water in the other, stilled by a sense of deja vu. She frowned. /Have you been taking your medication?/ She set down the water, and looked more closely at the pill bottle. The label looked the same, but last she could recall the bottle was close to half empty, but now was full. She had been taking the pills, enough to need a refill, but didn't remember. There were weeks she couldn't remember, and she must have been taking the pills then. She remembered taking the pills the day she had called Shinji, before the missing week. That morning, she'd found the note on her door, that she didn't remember writing. She looked, and saw a piece of paper on the floor by the door. Picking it up, she read Take your medication. --Ayanami Rei /Have you taken your medication?/ The note had puzzled her then, but now it frightened her. She'd done as the note said, and took the pills. /Have you taken your medication?/ The pills fell out of her hand as it went limp. She watched them scatter across the floor in horror, as though they were hideous insects scurrying away. Something terrible was happening to her, something she was only beginning to understand, and those pills were not the remedy. They were the cause. And the Doctor knew it. Her stomach clenched, and the unfamiliar feeling of fear came over her. She fought the feeling, though, pushing it back to the recesses of her mind with anger. Then she calmed her anger, molding it into a grim determination. The moment called for action, not panic. Doctor Akagi was probably the second most powerful person in NERV, and a dangerous person to have as an enemy. If that was what she was. Ayanami was still too much in the dark to be sure, and that was the first thing that must change. She picked up her security card and put it in her pocket, then left her apartment. -- Ayanami walked down a long hallway, removed from Central Dogma by a half dozen floors. She moved quickly, ducking into a little-used computer room. She shut the door without turning the lights on, and logged on to a console. Though she could move with impunity through the NERV complex, her actions would undoubtedly be noted by security and subsequently appear in a report. That report might find its way to the desk of the Commander, who would then question Rei. This was not a problem. Before that happened, she would have all the facts. Her level of computer access would give her a chance to discover what it was that she couldn't remember. She called up the surveillance video archive, and began her search starting a week ago. The image recognition software used in concert with the archiving system made it a quick matter to find a list of time-indexed recordings in which she appeared. She picked the first, and the video appeared. Within two minutes of watching, Rei thought she was going to be sick. The image was of a long, non-descript hallway. Her and the other two pilots were walking down it. Asuka and Shinji were talking animatedly, while she... she just walked behind them. No facial expression at all, limbs moving rigidly, with no life at all. When the trio got near the camera, she could see clearly the blank mask that her own face was wearing. She called up the next video. A conference room, the pilots destination. They took their seats. They may have been watching one of the Major's presentations, but the cameras didn't show it. They did show Rei her own face, again an expressionless mask. Asuka fidgeted, Shinji tried to look interested. She herself... did nothing. Blinking. Breathing. Nothing else. She selected another at random. She saw the Second speaking to this image that looked like Ayanami Rei. Whatever Asuka said, it amused her. The image of Rei made no reaction at all. The eyes focused on the other pilot, but there was nothing else. "What the hell?" she said out loud, and selected another video. "I take these pills, and they make me into this... zombie? Some inhuman robot?" She spat the words. "How long has this been going on?" She started going through older videos. The online archive only went back six months, but it didn't take long for her to conclude that this... /thing/ that looked like her had been around for a while. In the videos, none of the other people were looking at her strange. They were ignoring her, as if her being a soul-less automaton was normal. /I'm not a fucking doll like you./ Asuka's words started to make sense. She'd been on this awful drug for so long, people thought that was the real her. Now she realized why everyone else had seemed to be acting strange -- because to them, she was the one acting strange. She was going to have to tell Gendo as soon as possible -- tell him what the Doctor had done to her. A part of the video caught her eye, something that caught at the darker portions of her memory. Another conference room scene, where the pilots were leaving. She rewound, and this time she caught her breath. For a brief moment, Rei was not watching an automaton with her body, but her own self from years ago. The image of Rei on the screen stood from her seat while the other two pilots backs were turned. The sagging of the shoulders, the bending of the head and spine, as though lifting a great weight, resonated in Rei's memory. She could feel that weight, remember what it felt like. None of the others in the video noticed, but Rei knew that gesture, knew of the deep-seated pain that it spoke of. Pain she didn't want to remember. She'd been too young to understand what had happened, the first time she was brought back from death. She'd just felt that something wasn't quite right. Eventually she learned how true that was. She came to understand, and know what she was. The resulting feeling of futility, of worthlessness, pushed her into a deep depression. Depression that had lasted years. She remembered trying to kill the pain by killing everything. Push every emotion down so she felt nothing. She looked at the screen. She'd acted like that, trying to be an unfeeling robot. It never worked. She had been in those depths, but the only person, the only thing she had cared about at all came to her aid. Gendo had helped her find her way out. He had came to her, and shown her that she did have worth. Shown her that happiness was an alternative to despair. Shown her that instead of pain, there could be pleasure. Yet now that self from long ago had returned, almost as though a separate person, and was taking over her mind when she took those drugs. The thought of being sent back to that, even if she couldn't remember it when it happened, enraged her. She left the computer room, anger carrying her down the halls. In minutes she was standing before the Commanders office, prepared to knock open the doors and let him know that one among those he trusted could not be. "The Commander's gone today, Rei." Rei turned to face Ritsuko, staring down the older woman. "What, are you still angry with me?" Ritsuko said, condescension in her tone. "I told you, he already knew. I didn't tell you he knew because he said I shouldn't. It was his decision. You can take it up with him." Rei didn't understand. Then, despite her anger, she realized that Akagi didn't know who she was talking to. She acted on an unformed plan. "Yes, sir," she said, trying to keep herself completely calm. "Hm. Well, I have work to do." "Yes, sir," she said flatly to Ritsuko's back. Rei turned the way she had come. The plan was forming in her mind. Until she could talk to Gendo, Ritsuko could not know that she knew. Which meant that she had to make Ritsuko think she was still taking the drug. She found a bathroom, and stood in front of the mirror. she thought. She tried to put on the most flat face she could. She could only hold it for a few seconds before her lip curled down in anger at having to do this, or curled into a smirk at the ridiculousness of it all. She looked, focusing on the part of her that couldn't understand what was happening, the part that wanted to give in. The part that remembered that time. She could almost feel her emotion draining away. she thought, and had to quickly wipe away her grin of triumph. Despite her success, she decided that the best strategy was to avoid everyone she could rather than test her acting ability. She was near the railway that would take her out of the Geofront when she saw the Third Child, walking alone toward the station. "Ikari-kun!" she cried happily, before remembering her plan. Shinji was headed toward her. "Hey, Ayanami," Shinji said. "Are you okay?" "Yes," she said, not breaking her act just yet. Seeing his concern for her, she felt a feeling of happiness, and another feeling, that she hadn't felt in over a week. In spite of herself, a small smile appeared on her face. "A... Ayanami..." "Ikari-kun," she said. As she spoke the words, she felt her temples begin to throb. She put her hand to her head. "Ikari-kun..." "What is it, Ayanami?" Her head was starting to ache, and the ache was growing by the second. An ache that suddenly seemed familiar. "What... is it happening again?" "Ayanami... What..." Shinji stood back, not understanding what was going on. "Ikari-kun, I..." Her head seemed to swell with pain, and for a moment she felt faint. Her body started to sag, but before she collapsed she caught herself. "Are you okay? Should I get a doctor?" Shinji's voice was wet with worry. "No. I am fine," she said. "Oh, uh... are you sure?" "It is just a headache. It will pass." -- Rei was laying stretched out on her bed, chin resting on her folded arms. The thought didn't matter much to her. Nothing mattered to her, especially herself. If it was /her/ that the Commander wanted, she would give in. If she could not be useful herself, then she would be useful by letting another take her place. Even if it meant... Oblivion. She lay there, contemplating the comforting thought of an end to herself. Cast aside, she would slowly slip away into nothingness, and another Ayanami Rei could do the Commander's bidding. That would be... pleasant. She lay there for nearly an hour, quietly, as if waiting for the Rei who was not herself to come and send her away. As the first hour turned into the second, she could no longer ignore the beating of her heart, and it's message that she was not as serene as she wished to be. What did she want? She wanted to be useful. She wanted the Commander to find her useful. Her, not some other Ayanami Rei. At the thought she was filled, not for the first time in her life, with disgust. Yet that thought, that feeling, did not stop her desire. She wanted to be useful. She needed to be, could not be otherwise. For the second time, /she/ had nearly gotten to Shinji. Why did it happen just then? Could she have been resisting? That was not important. What she saw now was that she could not give up. She had to protect Ikari-kun. That mattered to her. Which meant that, disgusting as she was, she would have to find a way to become useful again. -- The next day Rei spent at school, heading to the Geofront after class was dismissed. Today the Commander would be back, and she was to eat dinner with him. She hadn't thought of any way to redeem herself, and was beginning to think it was a futile effort. As usual it was late when she arrived at the NERV cafeteria. The last kitchen staff person remaining stood listlessly. As soon as he had handed Rei her tray of vegetables, he hung his apron up and left. She turned and faced the Commander. He was sitting with his back towards her, the only other person in the room. She went to him. The silence of the cafeteria was broken by the clattering of a chair against a table. Ayanami managed to keep her tray level, narrowly avoiding spilling her food onto the floor. She straightened the chair she had bumped into, then continued. Her legs seemed to not want to obey her. A second time she nearly fell over herself. The Commander did not appear to notice. Rei sat across from him. Calming herself so she was able to hold her chop sticks steady, she ate deliberately. Yet her mind quested feverishly. She looked at him, hoping he would somehow give her the answer she wanted. He said nothing, but Rei noticed the tiniest of twitches in his shoulders when she raised her head to look at him. Gone in a moment, but she knew what it meant. In spite of everything, he still felt tension and guilt over /that/. She looked down at her plate. No, it was her own fault. He valued /her/. He had known the entire time. It was her that had made him feel this way. But then what could she do? And then she knew. It would not be easy, but she knew it must be done. She stood up. Desperation overrode any hesitation she might have had. The Commander's hand paused in front of his mouth for a split second when she rose, but he continued. Without words, without even looking at him, she moved around the table and sat to his left. Not just on the same side, but near enough that as she sat her shoulder brushed his. The Commander froze completely. When she edged slightly closer, so their bodies touched at two places, the broccoli he held dropped to the plate. Still, neither spoke a word or turned their head. After a few moments, he picked the vegetable up again ate it. Was this rejection? Or denial? She could not afford either. Slowly, clumsily, she put her right arm around him as far as she could, pulling them tighter together. Two wooden sticks hit the tray. He turned his body part way toward her, and he looked down at her. She looked up, but couldn't see his eyes through the glasses. She wanted to see his eyes, so she would know. His left hand rose to gently hold the back of her head, fingers tracing through her hair. Breath after breath rose from her lungs, faster and faster, her need for an answer rising like a fever, before his lips parted. "Rei," he breathed, soft and powerful. His arms closed tightly around her. Then he bent his head, and pressed his lips into hers. -- end part 3 first posted 6/7/2001 wyrm@engin.umich.edu http://wyrmhole.net/abp --