An Ubhal as Airde -- The Highest Apple 


Apologies to Runrig for the title. Characters from Neon Genesis 
Evangelion and elements from 'The Apple' by H.G. Wells have been used 
without permission. Any geographical or geological features mentioned 
have not been verified by the author. Knowledge of 'the End of 
Evangelion' is very useful in understanding of the author's reasoning.

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'Then the Lord God planted a garden in Eden, in the East, and there he 
put the man he had formed. He made all kinds of beautiful trees grow 
there and produce good fruit. In the middle of the garden stood the tree 
that gives life and the tree that gives knowledge of everything... Then 
the Lord God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and 
guard it. He told him, "You may eat the fruit of any tree in the garden, 
except the tree that gives knowledge of everything. You must not eat the 
fruit of that tree; if you do, you will die on the same day."' 
-- Genesis 2:8-9, 15-17

And so long as you haven't experienced this: to die and so to grow, you 
are only a troubled guest on the dark earth. 
-- Goethe, 'The Holy Longing' 

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Night settled on Tokyo-3, a dark, subtle night with no breeze and only 
occasional noise. It was past the evening rush hour and these days no 
one liked to wander around the city after dinner. Lamp-posts casting 
their light against empty buildings served little purpose, as there 
were too few people on the streets to receive their guidance. Cars sped 
silently across the city at infrequent intervals, and every seven 
minutes, a train rattled into Tokyo-3 Metro Station.

The train doors slid open, and Dr. Akagi Ritsuko stepped inside. The 
train compartment was nearly empty. Only a select few broke the habitual 
curfew that was almost ordained in the minds of the people: defiant 
youngsters who no longer gave a damn, night watchmen, the disillusioned 
seeking to jump off a bridge to end it all, and those who had business 
that couldn't been conducted in broad daylight. Dr. Akagi fell into the 
last category. 

The train sped on, stopping and continuing. One by one, the few 
remaining people in the train descended. The buildings and city outside 
gave way to trees and grass. Dr. Akagi remained on. Her stop was after 
the terminal station, a stop that few people knew of and even less 
people frequented. Dr. Akagi herself wondered why she had agreed to go.
 
She knew she was being watched right now, if not by someone in the train 
carriage, then by a surveillance camera hidden somewhere in the train. 
The old men wanted to test her, to see if she was coming of her own free 
will. That was why they hadn't sent 'escorts.'

"Stop fooling yourself," thought Dr. Akagi. "It's for him and his 
precious Rei, and you know it. Face it, you don't even care." But she 
did. It was just another ploy to make herself endearing to him, and she 
felt low. God, she felt low. Anything to make him happy, anything to 
keep her by his side, she'd do it. When would it all stop? She took off 
her glasses and massaged the bridge of her nose tiredly. 

"Why don't I just throw them away? Or at least, give them away?" 

Dr. Akagi looked up at the voice. Nowadays it was rare to see someone so 
young out at such an hour, and the speaker attracted her attention 
immediately. He was a young boy sitting across from her, perhaps 
fourteen to fifteen years of age, and he was staring at something in his 
hands, muttering to himself. Judging from his dusty white hair, his snow 
white skin, and his furrowed brow, he didn't look the rebellious type or 
the suicidal type. 

"Throw them away... or give them away! Anything but eating them 
myself..."

On closer inspection, Dr. Akagi found he was holding two round objects 
wrapped in brown tissue paper, one in each hand. It was apparent he was 
referring to these. 

The boy's gaze jerked up sharply, feeling her gaze. Dr. Akagi noticed 
his eyes were red, but before she could dwell long on this fact they 
blinked and the indecision in them was replaced by an excited firmness. 

"Yes, give them away," he repeated aloud.

He fixed his red eyes on Dr. Akagi, who was growing uncomfortably warm 
under his scrutiny. The boy was either ignoring her uneasiness or 
genuinely unaware of it. She squirmed in her seat and tugged at her 
collar nervously, vaguely noticing that his pale hair, arranged like an 
shaggy mop on his head, hadn't seen a comb in days, yet his uniform, a 
simple white shirt and black pants, was immaculately clean and pressed. 

"Give them away... give them away..." By now the boy was repeating the 
three words like a mantra.

Dr. Akagi coughed loudly. "Er, excuse me?"

The boy snapped out of his daze. 

"Oh, I am sorry," he said quickly. "I didn't realize I was staring. I 
hope you don't mind. I was trying to guess what you are."

"Pardon?"

"What you are... what you do for a living. Your occupation. Let me 
guess... are you a pharmacist? A chemist?"

"And what does that have to do with you?" she said, slightly annoyed.

He missed the irritation in her voice. "Wait! I'm wrong... let me think 
a bit longer..." 

He resumed his inspection of her, his sharp red eyes missing nothing and 
putting Dr. Akagi on edge. She was suddenly painfully aware of the run 
in her pantyhose, her crumpled blue blouse, the undyed roots of her 
bleached hair, the wrinkles that appeared around her eyes after the long 
day's work. She grew more and more embarrassed as the seconds ticked by. 
Finally, she couldn't stand it any more. 

"Are you done yet?"

"I've got it!" the boy exclaimed. "You're a doctor, aren't you? Or... a 
scientist?"

Dr. Akagi bit her lip. "...Yes. I am a scientist."

"Ah! I knew it!" The youth clapped his hands happily with an excited 
exuberance that seemed to Dr. Akagi out of place in a teenager. As if 
sensing this, he immediately sobered. "I'm sorry. I must seem terribly 
rude."

The boy jumped up and crossed over to Dr. Akagi, and without ceremony 
took the seat beside her. Leaning toward her earnestly and ignoring her 
discomfort, he began, "You are a scientist... a research worker, an 
investigator of nature, one who finds explanations for the workings of 
the universe. Knowledge! Every day, you seek to find answers, and 
knowledge. Am I correct?"

"Well..." The boy had put her work in a whole new perspective, one that 
Dr. Akagi had never tried to explore for herself. "I guess you could put 
it that way," she said cautiously.

"Then, let me ask you... as a scientist and a human being, what would 
you say your purpose in seeking all that knowledge is?"

"Well, now! I don't know," said Dr. Akagi frankly.

"It's okay! Take all the time you want to think about it," said the boy 
encouragingly.

"To make life easier for us, I suppose," Dr. Akagi said off-handedly. 
Otherwise we'd all die if NERV didn't do anything, she thought silently. 
After a pause, she concluded reflectively, "Or, more clearly, to allow 
us to live longer." 

"Perfect," said the boy. "You've just summed up the purpose of life on 
Earth: to find knowledge and to elongate life. Well, then, imagine, if 
you will, something that can grant you infinite knowledge and something 
that can grant you eternal life."

"Is there such thing?" Dr. Akagi chuckled. "If only! Then life would be 
so much easier."

"Ah!" sighed the boy, his voice changing suddenly. "But there is..." 

Dr. Akagi glanced at the violent difference in his tone. 

"You have heard of the Garden of Eden?" the boy said. "After planting 
the Tree of Knowledge and the Tree of Life in the middle of Eden, God 
expressly forbade Adam and Eve to eat the fruit that grew from the Tree 
of Knowledge. Yet Adam and Eve eventually succumbed to temptation, and 
in anger He banished them from paradise forever." 

When Dr. Akagi nodded in recognition, the boy continued. "Upon their 
banishment, Adam turned to look at Eden one last time. Feeling the half-
eaten apple of Knowledge still in his hand, he shook his head bitterly, 
and so caught Eve hiding something suspiciously behind her back. In her 
hands was a bronze apple -- an apple from the Tree of Life. When Adam 
challenged her, she explained, 'I wanted one last gift from Eden, and I 
stole it when His back was turned.'

"'Haven't we sinned enough that you must sin one more time?!' Adam was 
disgusted. Snatching the apple from Eve, and with one last look at the 
golden apple in his own hands, he hurled both of them as far away as he 
could. 

"Once the apples touched the ground, the soil swallowed them whole. In 
their place sprouted two tall trees, identical to those in the middle of 
Eden. Immediately a wall of fire and angels of light armed with swords 
sprang out of the earth, to protect and guard those trees till the end 
of time."

Carefully, the boy unwrapped the paper covering the two objects he was 
holding and held them up.

"Look at these," he said, revealing two perfectly ripe, lustrous fruits. 

"Apples?" said Dr. Akagi in surprise. "Do you mean to say that--"

"Apples..." sighed the boy, "But no ordinary apples." He gave a loud 
laugh. "Do you like them? I'll give them to you, if you like. These are 
the fruits to infinite knowledge and eternal life, from the trees 
growing in the Garden of Eden! An bite of each, and you will live 
forever and know everything in this universe!"

There was an uneasy pause.

"Really?" said Dr. Akagi. The boy mentioning the fruits of Life and 
Knowledge made her feel uneasy, for some unexplicable reason. She wasn't 
sure how to react. If the boy were older, say around twenty or thirty, 
she would have classified him as a bored drug-experimenting bastard, and 
if it had been an old man that approached her, she would have dismissed 
him as mad and moved to the other side of the train. But the boy was 
only a teenager, and he didn't appear drunk nor mad. Was he a prankster, 
then, a boy that enjoyed playing tricks on solitary women in trains?

"Well... how do they work?" queried Dr. Akagi.

"How do they work?" repeated the boy incredulously.

"I mean, how do they give you life and knowledge?"

"Why...! You eat them, of course."

"But then there would be nothing special about them. Adam and Eve, as we 
know, have already eaten the fruit of Knowledge and passed that 
knowledge to us, so it wouldn't make any difference--"

"Adam and Eve have merely given us their sins, not their knowledge," 
said the boy. "But eating that apple would give you knowledge, real 
knowledge! Everything that had been dark and vague would now be bright 
and obvious. You would see through everything, understand everything, 
know every hidden meaning--" 

"And where did you get them?" interrupted Dr. Akagi.

"Get what?"

"Your apples, of course. I mean, you must have got them somewhere. 
Apples like that don't grow on trees, you know!" 

"We-ell..." The boy hesitated. "Three months ago, I saved a man's life, 
and he gave them to me." His face was turning quite red. If that wasn't 
a sign of guilt, then Dr. Akagi didn't know what was. The warning bells 
that had been ringing silenced themselves.

"So? That man could be a liar! How do you know that they are really what 
you say they are?" she pursued relentlessly.

"No listener could have doubted his story," insisted the boy. "If you 
had seen him at that moment. He was an old man... he said he had no use 
for the powers that these apples gave, and he hoped that I could make 
better use of them.

"He told me he had come a long distance already, from China, India, 
Germany, Africa... his whole life had been a long journey, searching and 
wandering in an attempt to find the meaning of existence. And finally 
his journey took him to Armenia, the oldest country in the world. He 
said that Noah's Ark was still there, lost somewhere in the mountains, 
and maybe he might come across remnants of Eden if he was lucky. For 
days he travelled along the Tigris and the Euphrates without success."

Armenia, said Dr. Akagi to herself. Somewhere in the Middle East... near 
Turkey, Iran?  

"Soon, he was running short of food and water," continued the boy, "Down 
to his last dollar. To make matters worse, a huge storm sprung up and he 
lost his way, unable to navigate through the rain and the dark. When the 
sky finally cleared up a little so that he could just see, he found 
himself on top of a high mountain, thorns and shrubs in front of him and 
a bare cliff face behind. He had become so disoriented that he'd gained 
altitude without noticing it. Worse still, he didn't know how to get 
back down: it would be suicide to attempt the cliff.

"So the only thing to do was keep going and see if he could find another 
way down. He was starving and dehydrated, the last time he'd eaten or 
drunk anything being more than three days ago. He was delirious, 
hallucinating. Whatever sense or rational thinking he still had now 
disappeared. He lost track of all time. All he could do was trudge 
onward with no knowledge of where he was headed or where to go. 

"After stumbling through the middle of nowhere for God knows how long, a 
strange experience happened to him. As I said, he was delirious by this 
time. He couldn't be sure if it really had happened to him or not. But 
then, there are the apples to prove it."

The boy paused for breath. The gentle chuggity-chug of the train rushing 
onwards became more audible. 

"Yes?" said Dr. Akagi. "What happened next?"

"He was moving on his hands and knees. Everything was dark and he 
couldn't see clearly. All he could think was that he was going to die 
soon. Then suddenly, out of the darkness, there came a gentle glow. Like 
a moth attracted to light, he crawled towards it with every ounce of 
remaining strength in his body. Getting closer, he saw that the glow was 
emanating from two apple trees.

"Even in his befuddled state, all the legends surrounding the Trees of 
Life and Knowledge returned to him with full force. He was almost drunk 
with the revelation. Infinite knowledge and eternal life, shining before 
his eyes! It was enough to make the most rational man swoon. Without 
thinking, he clambered to his feet and grabbed a bronze apple from the 
nearest tree. Then, he heard a long, tormented wail, and spears of ice 
stabbed his at heart because he knew what that wail meant. Before his 
courage could give way, he stumbled to the other tree like a man 
possessed and pulled a golden apple off its branches..."

The feeling of uneasiness returned to Dr. Akagi. What was it about his 
story that worried her so much?

"There was an explosion of light, brighter than anything he had ever 
seen in his life, and the man was hurled back. Loud, hideous, glorious 
roars of anger were echoing behind him, in front of him, all around him. 
He was paralyzed with fear. That was what saved him. Fear rejuvenated 
him in a way that food never could. Fueled by pure terror, his legs 
started to work again and he ran with all his might. He felt, rather 
than saw, the burning walls of fire trying surround him and trap him. 

"Finally, he was driven to the edge of a precipice. There was nowhere 
else to go except forward. So he jumped, tumbling and falling down that 
rocky cliff face. When he came to, he was lying bruised and battered in 
a flattened bush. But he was alive. And he was gripping the two apples 
tightly in his hands.

"That happened decades ago. He kept those apples for many years, unsure 
of what to do with them, not knowing whether to eat them or throw them 
away. Until he met me."

The boy paused nervously. "I don't think it was so much _because_ I 
saved his life that he gave them to me, but _how_ I saved his life..." 

He halted and looked around quickly to see if anyone else was within 
hearing distance, a rather unnecessary gesture since by now they were 
the only two remaining passengers in the train. Satisfied, he pointed at 
one of the apples, and it slowly rose into the air, hovering above his 
lap. Then he withdrew his hand and the apple fell back down. 

"You see?" said the boy to Dr. Akagi, who couldn't believe her eyes. "I 
have telekinetic powers. And it was with this power that I saved that 
old man, by transporting him out of danger in the nick of time. 'With 
infinite knowledge, eternal life and your powers, you'll be invincible!' 
he said to me. And so he gave me these apples, in exchange for my 
promise that I would work for him and use my powers to his benefit. I 
gave him my word that I'd have reached a decision in three months' time 
and would inform him of it immediately."

Until that moment, Dr. Akagi believed herself to be able to witness any 
event calmly, coolly and objectively, no matter how bizarre it was. Now 
she found it difficult to speak. 

"He trusted you?" she croaked. It was quite surprising, the stupid 
questions one asked when one was in shock.

The boy lifted his gaze to meet hers. "Why shouldn't he? I gave him my 
word and my confidence."

"But... despite your powers... how do you know... how do you know what 
that old man told you was true?" she stammered. "You really believe that 
these apples are--"

"Look at them," said the boy. "I have had them for three months. They 
are as fresh and ripe as they were when I first saw them. No drying, no 
going bad."

They were unlike any fruit that she had seen before. One apple was a 
deep golden colour. The other shone with the gleam of burnt copper. Both 
radiated an intense metallic light. When she peered closer, she could 
swear they were glowing. As she stared, transfixed, she could see walls 
of fire, and tall angels brandishing swords, keeping vigilant watch over 
two radiant trees. She almost felt the tongues of heat stroking her 
eyes. Hastily she rubbed them.

"Do you believe me now?" said the boy. "You see the truth reflected in 
them, don't you?" When Dr. Akagi didn't answer, he went on, "That is why 
I have to talk to you. You have to help me decide. For three months I 
have had these apples and every time I hold them my hand shakes! I--"

"Decide what?" Dr. Akagi croaked. The rush of such a fantastic discovery 
made her forget the perturbation gnawing at her earlier. "Help you 
decide what? What is there to decide? Why don't you simply eat them? 
How can anyone hesitate--"

"My telekinetic powers have given me a rather different perspective of 
the world. I have seen too much, I have experienced even more. The idea 
of living forever may be appealing right now, but will it be eighty 
years from now, when everyone I know and care about is old and dying, 
and all I can do is watch them die?"

"With a longer life, you can accomplish more, so much more! Think of all 
you could do now that you would have so much longer to live--"

"Even worse is the prospect of knowing everything there is to know," the 
boy went on. "Of knowing so much that nothing can be hidden from you. 
Everything that should be out of sight is visible to you."

"That would be rather an advantage, wouldn't it?"

"You would see black and white and all the shades of grey between. You 
could look straight into the hearts of every person and know what 
terrible evil thoughts they'd be thinking, even those of the ones you 
loved and who were important to you."

"You'd be able to see who was deceiving you, then."

"Is that a good thing? What if the one deceiving you was the one you 
loved? And suppose you saw yourself and your own faults? The cruel, 
bitter truths about yourself that you could no longer hide?" continued 
the boy. "Many times, I have thought, and cannot reach a conclusion. I 
have gone over this conversation with myself in my head so many times 
and every time I still can't make up my mind..."

"You seem to have made up your mind already," observed Dr. Akagi. "Why 
are you still asking for a second opinion? You can just throw them away 
if you are so disturbed by them."

The boy looked at her. "But you don't understand. How can anyone throw 
away such extraordinary things? It would be... sacrilegious. Or 
something. I don't know. But these apples... they're simply too amazing 
to just throw away."

"So what do you want me to do?" said Dr. Akagi.

"I... I don't know. Tell me what to do, lead me down the correct path. I 
need to rely on your expertise, your professional judgment. What -- as a 
scientist -- what would you advise me to do?"
  
She didn't have to think about it. "If I were you, I'd eat them," she 
said matter-of-factly. 

There was a moment of silence.

"You would?" said the boy, rather taken aback. 

"Why not? Everyone's saying what they would do if they had the 
opportunity to live forever, or know everything, but I don't think 
they've really thought about it properly at all. To know everything is a 
horrible burden, cries someone. To live forever and watch everyone else 
die is worse than dying yourself! exclaims another. But have they ever 
considered the good they could do? The good to humanity, the good to the 
world. With the knowledge of everything, and the ability to live 
forever, a person could aid mankind endlessly, knowing what would help 
and what would be detrimental."

"But if that person was evil, evil to the core?" said the boy. "He would 
use his knowledge for his own personal benefit, not for the good of 
mankind... possibly even towards the destruction of mankind!" 

"Well, then, that really depends on the person who eats the apples," 
said Dr. Akagi. "I cannot vouch for myself -- and I'm not a very good 
judge of character -- but you do not seem like a selfish or dishonest 
person. Plus, with your special powers, I don't think I could think of a 
better person to eat--" 

Then, immediately, she did.

"Maybe I am a good person now. But what about ten years later, fifty 
years later? Can anyone guarantee that I won't change for the worse?"

Dr. Akagi was silent, immersed in her thoughts.  

"Can you?" said the boy. 

"Forever is a long time," said Dr. Akagi, shaking herself from her 
thoughts. "No man on Earth can be totally good or totally evil for a 
long time, because man changes. That is the nature of human nature, 
never to be constant. Even if a man is purely evil, you can be sure that 
eventually he will become good again. The same of a good man -- 
eventually he will turn to the devil. So think of what you can 
accomplish while you are good! And what you do while you are evil 
mightn't be bad for mankind, either. What never changes, what really 
matters, I think, is good judgment... which I am sure you do not lack."

The boy bit his lip.

"But, if you cannot decide..." said Dr. Akagi. "If you are still in 
doubt..."

The boy looked up. "Yes?" he said eagerly. "Yes?"

Dr. Akagi paused. "Then you should give the apples to someone who can 
also be able to do good for mankind. Someone with good judgment who 
would be willing to eat them, not for himself, but for the good of 
mankind. Someone, who can decide, and who has good use for them."

"You know of someone like that?" said the boy anxiously. "Would he be 
able to use them for good?"

Dr. Akagi hesitated. "I'm sure he would. On the other hand..." she 
faltered. That gnawing feeling began tugging at her again.

"And you?" persisted the boy. "You'd eat them, wouldn't you?"

"If I were you, I'd eat them," repeated Dr. Akagi, unsure. "But I'm not 
you. I don't have your foresight. I would act differently in any 
situation you are in. My eating them would certainly do mankind 
considerable harm, more harm than good."

"You are modest," said the boy, smiling.

Dr. Akagi looked away.

"Thanks for your advice," said the boy. "I think... I have decided."
He rubbed one of the apples with a pointed finger. "Which one do you 
think I should eat first?"

So he was really going to do it, she thought. Dr. Akagi found herself 
regretting her advice to him. It was too dangerous! What would happen 
if... To her horror, she heard herself say, "The fruit of Knowledge."

The boy grinned. "I was thinking the same thing. That way, I can know if 
eating the other fruit will be dangerous." Dr. Akagi stared at him as he 
casually lifted the golden apple to his lips and took a bite.

It was suddenly very quite in the train compartment. Nothing seemed to 
have changed physically, but the atmosphere seemed oppressive and dark 
all of a sudden. Dr. Akagi didn't dare breathe.

Then the boy lifted his eyes, and Dr. Akagi could immediately sense the 
difference. It was in his expression, in his demeanor, in his character. 
The red eyes were no longer round and eager, but half-lidded and heavy; 
the mouth's upturned corners were now curved downwards; his shoulders 
were stooped and dejected, his slouch obvious. The half-eaten apple 
rested in his limp hand. When he spoke, his voice was heavy, dull.

"I think... I shall save the other apple for later." 
 
Dr. Akagi noticed a small muscle in the corner of his eye twitching. 
"Are you all right?" she said.

The boy looked at her with his red eyes. All of a sudden Dr. Akagi felt 
extremely vulnerable and exposed. The urge to ask him what it was like, 
how he was feeling, and can you tell what I am thinking? was gone. She 
wanted nothing more than to get out of there. 

"I'm fine, thanks," he began, and stopped.

At that moment, they felt the train jerk and slowly move to a stop. The 
train doors slid open noisily. 

Dr. Akagi looked up uneasily. "This is the terminal station," she said. 
"You... should get off now."

The boy looked up as well. "I know. But my stop is the same as yours. 
After this one."

"You... are going to see the Committee?" Dr. Akagi asked slowly, light 
dawning. 

"Yes," said the boy. "I gather... that is where you are headed as well." 
He cocked his head, as if trying to see her in a different light. 

There was nothing more to say. They sat in silence as the train doors 
slid closed again and the train started lurchingly to its destination. 
It rumbled and clanked and its noise was a welcome distraction to Dr. 
Akagi. She looked out of the window as they entered a tunnel. She could 
see herself reflected darkly in the glass.

"What do you see?" she said suddenly in frustration. "What do you see?"

The boy dropped his gaze to his hands. "Many things."

"What things?" she persisted. 

"Painful things. Complicated things. Things about myself I wished I 
never knew. Things about this world I don't want to know." 

Dr. Akagi said softly, "How do you feel?" 

"My eyes are bleeding. They have seen too much and they must bleed." He 
sighed quietly to himself, so that the woman couldn't hear him. "Mankind 
is pitiful, yet pitiable. What a sad world we live in." 

After a while, the boy lifted his eyes from the bronze fruit. "We're 
nearly there," he said to her.

"I know."

"Just thought you'd want to know," he said quietly. "In case you 
didn't." If only I could ease the pain, I would, he thought to himself.

The train rumbled to a stop. The boy and Dr. Akagi got to their feet and 
stepped out of the carriage. For a moment they stood on the platform 
wordlessly. There was no exit passage or doorway in sight. 

"My name is Nagisa Kaworu, by the way," said the boy. "It was nice 
meeting you." He held out a hand. After a while, Dr. Akagi grasped it 
and shook it.

"Nice meeting you too. I'm Dr. Akagi Ritsuko." 

"I know."

Dr. Akagi looked surprised. "Oh yes... but of course you do."

The boy's face broke into a smile, but his eyes were sad. "Good luck."

Two men stepped out from the shadows. "Dr. Akagi," one of them greeted. 
"You have come. The committee is waiting for you." He turned to the boy. 
"You're early, Nagisa."

"I can wait," replied the boy. 

"Good luck," he repeated to Dr. Akagi as the second man led her away.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Akagi Ritsuko stood naked in front of the committee. She tried to 
pay attention to everything but her nakedness and the air-conditioning.

What the hell am I doing here?

"We hope to proceed smoothly. We do not want to shame you."

How do you feel, she'd asked the boy. She needed to ask herself the same 
question. 

Yet, "I feel no shame," she was responding to SEELE-01's voice.

To see yourself and all your faults starkly. All the cruel bitter truths 
that you couldn't hide.

"Truly, a strong-willed woman. It is natural for Ikari to keep her close 
to him."

"Yet it was Ikari himself that sent you to us."

Exposed, unable to keep hidden.

"He refused to allow the pilot of EVA-00 to undergo questioning. He 
presented you as a substitute."

You didn't need to eat the apple of Knowledge to figure that one out, 
did you, dear doctor?

She left in a state of mild horror, flurried and uncertain.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the cross-examination of Dr. Akagi Ritsuko, the boy took his turn 
in the middle of the huge room. One by one, he took in each dark screen 
with the red words 'sound only' blaring across them, until his eyes came 
to the one bearing the crimson notation 'SEELE-01.' 

"You have an answer for me, boy?" said SEELE-01.

The boy sounded angry. "You knew my answer from the very beginning."

SEELE-01 gave a chuckle. "You are sharp. Of course, you know everything 
now, don't you?" 

"What am I doing here?" the boy said.

"You tell me. You do know, after all."

The boy was silent.

"If you do not speak, then I shall. Hmm... where do I begin? Let me 
start by asking, do you know what happens to a man when he eats from 
both the Tree of Knowledge and the Tree of Life?"

"I know," said the boy.

"Besides gaining the gifts of infinite knowledge and eternal life, he 
becomes an powerful creature of light! Almost on par with God Himself."

The boy spoke slowly and deliberately. "I know."

"Of course, knowledge and life are all you can get from the apples. The, 
er, special abilities, or actual powers that such a being has -- that an 
ANGEL has--" Here he emphasized the word Angel, almost as if delighting 
in the slight flinch that crossed the boy's face -- "Those powers of an 
Angel, they come with birth. Not only telekinetic powers, mind you, but 
telepathic, mind-control powers as well, although they are not as 
obvious in the beginning--"

This time, no one could mistake the strain in the boy's reply. "I know." 
He lowered his eyes to his hands. "I knew all along that this confounded 
power could only mean trouble! If only I knew the truth earlier, then I 
never would have allowed myself to--!"

"If only," said SEELE-01 wryly. "The committee is dismissed." 

At once, all the screens flickered out simultaneously. Only SEELE-01 
remained. After a moment, those words disappeared too. The boy was left 
in darkness for three seconds. Then a dim light flooded the cavern-like 
room. The Chairman of the Committee appeared, sitting at a desk. He was 
diminutive in comparison to the formidable pillar that bore his 
designation 'SEELE-01' moments ago. The sinister, overbearing air seemed 
to have faded with the red words. 

The boy covered his eyes with a hand. "It seems impossible that there 
are others on Earth in torment and distress like I am. Yet I now know 
that there are, so many in number... and I wish that I didn't." He let 
his hand drop to his side. "And I wish that you weren't one of them. 
Then it would be so much easier for me to hate you."

Keel Lorenz's expression remained unchanged. 

Raising his voice, the boy continued, "The Dead Sea Scrolls have served 
you well. They told you where to find a boy with telekinetic powers born 
on the same day as the Second Impact. Huh! Prophecy, all prophecy. You 
staged your so-called accident, right where I could see you. Even if you 
had fallen off that bridge and hit the ground, your metal shell wouldn't 
have broken into pieces. It would have kept you alive for years and 
years... probably until the end of time. And so, you wanted me, the 
seventeenth Angel, to liberate your miserable soul for you."

He stared straight at the half-android, his red eyes seemingly piercing 
through the man's visor, his voice rising. "You lied to me. There never 
was an old man stumbling blindly and tiredly across Armenia. Instead, 
there was an old man who went to Armenia with purpose, who knew what he 
was looking for, in order to fulfil his own desires! NO MATTER THE COST 
TO GOD, LIFE AND THE HUMAN RACE."

The boy's voice echoed strongly around the room. "You STOLE the apples 
from Him. Yet you have no regret nor sense of desecration. And now you 
ask for my help."

Finally, the old man stirred. Slowly he raised his massive head and 
moved his lips to form words. "You _do_ know, don't you, that--"

"That there is no other way for me?" finished the boy. "Yes, of course I 
know. I know everything. I have been tricked. There is no other possible 
way out of this hellhole of knowledge that has been forced upon me!" 

The boy stopped himself in time. "One cannot stop one's mouth when he is 
angry. I know that it is futile to blame anyone when the fault is mine."

"Not the woman doctor's?" said Keel Lorenz dryly.

"No." The boy's voice was low. "The poor woman. Must you have made such 
a show of her?"

"Ah. You knew of the details of our secret interrogation?"

"Secret or not, I know it was pathetic. I also know that I find you 
pitiful, yet pitiable. That you must resort to seeking help from me."
 
"If I cared what you think of me," said Keel Lorenz, "I wouldn't be here 
today. You ought to know that your words are falling on deaf ears."

"So be it." The boy was saddened. "It is not too late to turn back yet."

Keel Lorenz waved the words aside impatiently. "All that matters to me 
is that you know what you are supposed to do."

"I understand. But," the boy raised his head, "A word of warning. The 
best laid schemes of mice and men are prone to go awry. Prepare yourself 
for failure and disappointment. At the worst, I will betray you myself."

Keel Lorenz's eyes narrowed into slits behind his huge metal visor. 
"That is a risk I must take, then," he murmured. "I have no choice..."

"Because it has to be me, doesn't it?" said the boy. "I wanted to ask 
myself that pointless one-word question, 'WHY?' But there is no WHY, is 
there, because I was born to be. You know that as well as I do. It was 
my birthright... as it was yours to live forever in a metal cage despite 
yourself."

Now the boy retracted a round bronze object from his pocket and raised 
it to his mouth. "I am ready. If there is still an ounce of goodness in 
you, I beg you, pray for my soul." 

Squeezing his eyes shut, the boy sank his teeth into the fruit.

It was, Keel Lorenz would later reflect, one of the most beautiful 
sights he'd ever seen. It was transfiguration, a glorious transcendence. 
A mournful cry escaped from the boy's mouth as he opened his eyes that 
could see nothing but the brilliance of his Lord. The apple dropped from 
his open hand. As Keel Lorenz watched, the boy defied all laws of 
gravity and rose until he was suspended halfway between the floor and 
the ceiling. There came a sound of flesh being ripped apart, and from 
the boy's back blossomed two shining wings. It was so resplendent, so 
profound, that Keel Lorenz would have wept if it was still physically 
possible for him to do so.  

Then, as quick as a flash, everything was painfully normal again, and 
the boy stood at attention in the centre of the room. Slowly, he opened 
his eyes, which seemed sharper and redder than ever. Keel Lorenz was at 
a loss for words. 

"I am no longer merely a troubled guest on the dark earth," murmured the 
Angel to himself. 

Keel Lorenz cleared his throat. "What's that you say?"

The boy looked up. "Hm? Oh, Goethe. In more ways than one."

The old man was puzzled, but didn't show it. "When it is time--"

"When it is time, I will know without your summoning me. And I will 
come." The boy inclined his head gracefully. "So long, Mr. Lorenz."

Keel Lorenz coughed. The boy was making him uncomfortable. With a quick 
vague gesture of the hand, the Chairman dismissed him.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

She hadn't left yet, still waiting for the train to come, as the boy 
knew she would be. He came up stealthily and noiselessly behind her. Her 
slouched shoulders and downcast eyes outlined her silent pain.

Dr. Akagi did not turn her head when she heard his step. "It's not any 
of my business, but I was just wondering... what's a boy like you doing 
at SEELE's headquarters?"

Right on cue, a train arrived noisily. The two stepped inside and sat 
down across from each other, one on each side of the carriage. The boy 
waited for the train to start before answering slowly, "It is not for 
you to know. You would regret it if I told you."

"Hm, really?" said Dr. Akagi quietly. "If you say so, I'll have to take 
your word for it, then. Tell me," she said, turning her head slightly, 
"Do you care to partake some of your knowledge? Tell me what to do, 
lead me down the correct path," she repeated his words from earlier. 

"You were wrong," said the boy. "I was wrong. Knowledge and life... they 
are not the ultimate purpose of existence as we said. In the end, when 
all's said and done, everyone is still as lost as they were when they 
started. Everyone must go on searching despite it all, don't you think? 
Death comes as the end, they say. Yet, life and death have equal value. 
So what is the purpose of living?"

"Aren't you supposed to know that?" She sounded half-amused.

"I don't know everything," said the boy. "Only what is certain."  

"What do you see that is certain?" the woman said. 

"That... is not for you to know either." 

Suddenly the woman sat up straight. "Oh, come on," she said impatiently. 
"You must be able to sense what -- what I want to ask!"

The boy looked at her steadily. "Surely, you yourself must have some 
idea of what I really am. I know you do. After all, your work involves 
you in this every day."

Dr. Akagi stared. "Holy Christ. You can't be."

"What do you think that uneasy feeling gnawing at you all day was? 
Subconsciously, you remembered all you had learnt, and every cell in 
your body was screaming at you not to associate with the enemy! You know 
the legends surrounding the apples. Whoever eats them..." He allowed the 
statement to linger.

"You've... eaten the other fruit already," she said incredulously.

"That is my misfortune, yes," the boy admitted. 

A gamut of emotion swept across the woman's face. Her first instinct was 
to get up and scream.

"Relax! I mean no harm," said the boy. "But I think it will be for the 
best if one of us leaves the train... no, no, I meant me, not you."

Dr. Akagi stopped trying to force the doors open and sat back down 
warily. 

The boy stood up and crossed over to the doors. He stared out of the 
glass, waiting for the moment the train would come out of the tunnel. 
"Dr. Akagi," he said, and stopped.

"What?" said the woman tersely.

"Everyone is used by someone else at some point in their life. I myself 
know what it is like to be used. It depends on the way you look at it." 
He could feel Dr. Akagi tensing up. He continued, "I do not read books 
often. But, I remember reading about a woman who thanked her husband 
for using her."

"Stupid woman," muttered Dr. Akagi.

"She thought that the worst thing that could happen in one's life was 
never to be used by anyone," explained the boy. "As I said, it all 
depends on your point of view, and the way you define the word 'use.' 
But I think that woman was quite right.
 
"When you asked me earlier for advice, for me to lead you down the 
correct path," said the boy, "I wanted to tell you, do not despair... 
death will come as the end to us all eventually. Make the most of life 
while you can, but think of the consequences before you act."

"Is this... advice to me?" said Dr. Akagi. "Or a warning?"

"You can take it both ways," said the boy. "And... there is something 
else." The boy struggled with words. 

"I'm... sorry. If I could help... I would. That I could ease the pain... 
I would. That I could do anything for you, I would. But I can't save the 
whole world. There is someone else who... needs me more. I'm sorry."

He pushed his finger to the doors. They fell open with a crash. Outside, 
trees and open countryside rushed past. "So long," he said to Dr. Akagi. 
"Godspeed." And he was gone.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Again, Dr. Akagi Ritsuko tried to forget the air-conditioning. It seemed 
that wherever she went, the ventilation systems were against her. She 
welcomed the dark, it being a soothing drug to her aching mind.

Foresee the consequences, make much of life.

Ha! What did he know?! He was only a boy!

He'd been right, of course, but there was nothing left in life for her.

Now, in her dim confinement cell, she pressed her lips to her hands and 
uttered a short prayer into the jet black lightlessness.

"Good luck," she whispered.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The boy stared out to sea and watched as the sinking sun's reflection 
glinted off the surface of the red water. It didn't seem possible, yet 
the expression in the boy's eyes was even older and sadder than before. 
Had it only been a few days? 

Farewell, Angel of the Womb, you ring of light, Almisael.

Enter, Angel of Free Will, you cursed soul, Tabris.

All the boy had to do was smile, and everyone would be fooled into
thinking he was the happiest, kindest soul on Earth. 

Ikari Shinji was so similar to Nagisa Kaworu, but different as well. 
Even Ikari Shinji didn't see his despondency.

"A song is good! A song brings us joy," he said, because, he knew that 
this was the meaning of a song to the young Ikari Shinji standing 
beneath him.

The boy knew a great many other things too, but keep in mind that he was 
still very young.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The boy stared at the escalators, one going up, one travelling down, 
never-endingly, simply going up and down and round and round. Life was a 
lot like that, n'est-ce pas?

The boy had recently acquired the art of speaking many languages, 
including French.

He allowed his face to sink into his usual mask.

Ayanami Rei was so similar to Nagisa Kaworu, but different as well.
Yet she saw his despondency.

"We are the same," he said, because, he knew that in a weird twisted 
sense that they were. He recognised the Angel blood within her. He saw 
that she was more human than he was, and that she had the power to 
interfere with his plans if she deemed it necessary.

The boy was an all-seeing, all-powerful everlasting Angel, but keep in 
mind that he was still very young. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The boy's gaze rested on the comatose Second Children as she lay 
motionless on her clean sheeted bed. Was that what happened to you when 
you couldn't deal with the ups and downs of life?   

It was just daybreak. Weak shafts of light filtered through the drawn 
blinds and cast a gentle whiteness on the girl's tired face.

There was no need for the boy to hide his sorrow now.

Souryuu Asuka Langley was so similar to Nagisa Kaworu, and different as 
well. But she'd never get to know it.

"I apologise, for I have use for your EVA unit, but I'll have to take it 
without asking your permission," he said, because, he knew that EVA-02 
meant more than life to Asuka. "I tried to ask her soul if she would 
mind, you know. But she was dormant."

The boy's voice cracked. "I'm sorry! I--I don't want to! But I have to!" 
Tears welled in his eyes and rushed down his cheeks.

The boy was intelligent and brave enough to meet destiny head on, but 
keep in mind that he was still very young.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The boy steeled himself for what he was about to do. 

He loved Ikari Shinji, yes. He loved all of mankind in its bitter 
hopelessness. He loved Ayanami Rei for her Angel's blood and her 
humanity, which had not yet died within her. He loved Souryuu Asuka 
because Shinji did as well, and she was too fragile for this life. He 
loved Akagi Ritsuko who no one else loved, and her mother Naoko, who had 
died when he was ten. He loved Katsuragi Misato, whom he had only seen 
fleetingly. He loved Ikari Gendou, because he was Shinji's father. The 
boy even found it in his heart to have some love for Keel Lorenz, whose 
fault it all was.

Yet, despite his great love, why did he long to end mankind?

One touch! That was all it needed, to escape from the churnings and 
nightmares of the infinite knowledge in his mind. 

One touch! To escape from the burden of eternal life.

But what about the rest of the world?

The boy was an Angel, but keep in mind that he was still very young. 
With youth comes selfishness.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The boy ignored the cries of young Ikari behind him. If he were to be 
soft-hearted now, the tormented shrieks of all mankind would echo in his 
ears for eternity.

He floated in front of the massive seven-eyed monstrosity. Closing his 
eyes, he concentrated on his message. Zap! In the blink of an eye, ideas 
and concepts flew through the air like electricity.
	
_Father, I would like to come home._

I AM NOT YOUR FATHER.

_You must be my father. I know everything, and I know you to be my 
father._

YOU ARE WRONG. YOU HAVE BEEN MISLED BY THE KNOWLEDGE OF MAN. I AM NOT 
ADAM. I AM THE ANCESTOR OF LILIM, NOT OF ANGELS.

_You are Lillith! How--how could that be?!_

YOU HAVE SAID IT YOURSELF: YOU DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING, ONLY WHAT IS 
CERTAIN. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN? 

_But--but I know everything...!_

IT IS NATURAL FOR YOU TO BE CONFUSED. LIKE YOU, I CAN SEE EVERYTHING. 
AND I SEE THAT YOUR INTENSE WISH TO BE FREE OF YOUR BURDEN HAS CLOUDED 
YOUR JUDGMENT. THINK. LET CLARITY BE RESTORED.

_Adam? Lillith? H-how--?_

IT IS ONLY POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO KNOW THINGS THAT ARE INFERIOR TO YOU. I 
AM ABOVE YOU, SO YOU DID NOT SEE THAT ADAM AND I ARE EQUAL, AS GOD AND 
HIS SON ARE ONE. ADAM WAS BORN OF ME, AS JESUS WAS BORN OF GOD, AND YOU 
WERE BORN OF ADAM. ACCIDENTALLY, YOU HAVE ALLOWED THE RUMOURS OF LILIM 
TO GUIDE YOUR THOUGHTS. THAT IS WHY YOU TOOK ME TO BE ADAM.

The boy collected himself. _Adam or not, one touch is enough to end it 
all. I will begin._ 

He neared the being nailed to the cross.

NO.

_You ought to know it is futile to stop me._

IT IS NOT FUTILE. ALL YOU WANT IS TO ESCAPE YOUR OWN TORMENT WITHOUT 
CONSIDERING THE PRICE TO OTHERS. HOW DIFFERENT ARE YOU, THEN, FROM THE 
ONE YOU HATE THE MOST?

_What else can I do?! I must be strong and indifferent to the pain of 
others, otherwise, I will go mad. I do not care about to what extent I 
have changed. Nagisa Kaworu is no more. I am Tabris!_

ALAS, ALL SONS OF ADAM ARE SO PIG-HEADED. BUT OF COURSE, IT IS NOT 
POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO KNOW THAT THERE IS ANOTHER WAY.

_... there is?_

I CAN DESTROY YOU BECAUSE ANGELS ARE SPAWNED FROM ME, BUT I AM POWERLESS 
TO. LUCKILY, THERE IS ANOTHER BEING WHO POSSESSES EQUAL POWER AS I DO. 
IF YOU ARE WILLING, YOU CAN PUT YOUR LIFE IN ITS HANDS.

_Anything. I will do anything._

IF YOU ARE DECIDED, THEN I WILL TELL YOU. THE ANSWER YOU SEEK IS 
EVANGELION, WHICH IS A CLONE OF ME. IT IS THE ONLY BEING STRONG ENOUGH 
TO DESTROY A SON OF ADAM.

_Evangelion? But of course...! Fourteen battles already, and every time 
Evangelion has destroyed us. But I didn't need the fruit of Knowledge to 
know this! I saw so many battles myself, I have hidden in shelters with 
the rest of Tokyo-3. How could I not know?

SIMPLE. YOU MERELY FORGOT. THAT LITTLE PIECE OF KNOWLEDGE WAS 
CONVENIENTLY ERASED FROM YOUR ANGEL'S MIND. YOU ARE GOD'S MESSENGER. HOW 
COULD HE ALLOW YOU TO KNOW THAT EVANGELION COULD DESTROY YOU, WHEN YOU 
ARE SO BENT ON SELF-DESTRUCTION YOURSELF?

_Why are you telling me now?_ 

I CANNOT STAND IDLY BY WHILE YOU POSE AS SUCH A THREAT TO MY CHILDREN. 
YOUR DEATH WILL, AT LEAST, POSTPONE THEIR DAY OF DOOM. 

_Are you not my ancestor as well, then?_

I LOVE MY LILIM MORE THAN I LOVE THE CURSED OFFSPRING OF ADAM. LILIM 
HAVE THE MARK OF THE DEMON IN THEM. I MUST PRESERVE IT. 

_And my wish of self-destruction coincides neatly with your plans._

YOU ARE SUSPICIOUS. BUT AGAIN, YOU WILL HEAR THE WORDS: IT IS THE ONLY 
WAY FOR YOU. YOU CAN CHOOSE WHETHER TO BELIEVE THEM OR NOT. IT IS YOUR 
CHOICE, ULTIMATELY.

All this happened in the space of two seconds.

The boy opened his eyes and stared upwards. "Now I understand."

_Shinji, I love you._

He made his decision.


END


Author's notes: I noticed it myself, but it took Wen 'Daruma' Wong to 
point it out to me before I forced myself to fix that blaring error: 
Kaworu says 'Now I understand' when he stands before Lillith. The 
problem is, if Kaworu knew everything, how could he not know that it was 
Lillith instead of Adam? And here is the second half of the story to 
explain it. Sorry for the inconvenience. 

I felt that some explanation regarding my reasoning might be necessary. 
My 4th-grade teacher told me that after Adam and Eve ate the fruit of 
Knowledge, God was afraid they would eat the fruit of Life, thus 
becoming equal with God Himself. Of course, God didn't want that to 
happen, and so He banished them. I have taken 'equal with God Himself' 
to mean 'having equal powers as but must work for Him because He's the 
boss.' In other words -- Angel.


Comments and criticisms are extremely welcome and should be sent to 
<tamkawing@yahoo.com>