If Only I Knew Then

Chapter 7: Precious Illusions

 

   I don't want to beeeeee...

   Going through the motions

   Losing all my drive.

   I can't even see

   If this is really me

   And I just want to be-

   Aliiiiiive!

 

It wasn’t until the song had ended and she paused, looked around the cemetery, that she even realized that she had been singing.  Willow stood with her arms outstretched, stake in hand, and wondered how she had even ended up standing on top of the tall tombstone.  Looking down, she realized that she had, indeed, just been singing and dancing her way through the graveyard and couldn’t help but wonder if her song had been anything like the one that Buffy had claimed to not remember, the first time around.

 

“Oh, crap,” she mumbled, before jumping down from the stone and running to the shop.

 

~*~

 

“Oh, hello, Willow!” Giles called out to her, hearing the door bell jingle as she came in.

 

Tara was there and looked up at her with a faint smile.

 

“Oh, Will, did Dawn get home from school all right?” She asked.

 

“What? Oh, uh, yeah. I think so,” Willow said, distractedly. “She should be stopping by after her homework is done, I think.”

 

Looking around, she spotted Xander sitting at the round table, eating donuts and walked over to him.

 

“Respect the cruller. And tame the donut!” He shouted happily before shoving one into his mouth.

 

Stopping in front of Xander, she reached down putting her arms around him.

 

“Hey, nice to see you too, Wills,” Xander said with an awkward laugh, thinking she was trying to hug him.  Realizing she wasn’t hugging him, he tried to squirm away from her.  “Uh, Wills, what are ya doin?”

 

She ignored him, continuing to search the pockets of his coat, patting him down and digging her hands into each pocket.

 

“Hey!  He’s MY fiancé, remember?” Anya asked haughtily.  “And besides, aren’t you supposed to like girls?”

 

“Well, last time I checked,” Tara began with a smile.

 

“Ah ha!” Willow yelled out, triumphantly, pulling a small necklace out of Xander’s pocket.

 

“Hey!” He yelled, trying to reach for it while still holding two donuts.

 

“Oh! Is that a present for me?” Anya squealed.

 

“You stole this from the shop,” Willow stated, dangling the necklace from a finger, not bothering to ask questions she already knew the answers to. She needed to stop this, now, before it got out of hand.

 

“From the shop?” Anya asked.  “Xander, you stole from MY shop?” 

 

Giles cleared his throat and Anya glanced back at him with an annoyed look before rolling her eyes and letting out a deep sigh. 

 

“You stole from Giles’s shop?”

 

“What?  NO! Anya, no, I was just…”

 

“You just wanted to summon this demon,” Willow supplied.

 

“Well, I didn’t want to summon a demon, per say,” Xander tried to explain, glancing back and forth between the three people staring at him.  “I wanted to be sure that we would work out and everything, you know, get a happy ending,” he told Anya.  “And I thought it would be neat if there were songs and dancing and…”

 

“Songs and dancing?” Tara asked in confusion.

 

“Not good songs and dancing, Xander,” Willow told him.  “Bad, revealing dark secrets songs and burn people up kind of dancing.”

 

”How do you know?” He asked her.

 

“Yeah, how DO you know?” Anya added.  “You seem to know an awful lot about things lately.”

 

“I…no, I’m just saying.  It’s a demon, bad things will happen…probably,” Willow tried to cover.  She was trying to explain, fidgeting nervously from foot to foot when the books slipped from her hands, falling open on the ground.  She moved quickly to try and pick them up as Tara knelt beside her to help her.  She picked up a book that had fallen open to a page Willow had marked and looked down at it.

 

“Tabula Rasa?” She said, looking up at Willow.  “Why were you looking up a spell to make people forget?  I thought we talked about that, Will.  You can’t do that to people.  You don’t know what might happen if…”

 

“No!  Tara, it’s not what you think,” Willow said, grabbing the book away and snapping it closed.  “It’s…it’s not for other people.”

 

Tara gave her a questioning look.

 

“Look, I know you already summoned him, Xander,” she said, trying to change the subject.  “We need to stop him, now, before…before bad things happen.”

 

“Stop him how exactly?” Anya asked.

 

“I know where he is, I know what he wants.  I’ll go talk to him, explain what happened, and…he’ll go away,” she told them.

 

“Willow, I really don’t think it’s wise for you to go alone,” Giles said, a worried look on his face.

 

“No, really, Giles.  The quicker this is taken care of the better.  I know what I’m doing. He’s at the Bronze.  It won’t be a problem.  It shouldn’t even take that long.” 

 

Before anyone had a chance to argue further, she was gone out the door, brushing past Dawn and Spike who were on their way in.

 

“Where is she off to in such a hurry?” Dawn asked.

 

“Demon,” Anya replied.  “She’s going to ‘talk’ to him and make him go away.”

 

“Would this demon by any chance have anything to do with the sporadic singing and dancing?” Dawn questioned.

 

“You too, huh?” Tara said with a soft smile. 

 

Dawn nodded. 

 

“What did you sing about?”

 

Dawn shrugged.  “Math.”

 

“Giles, do you really think we should be letting Willow go off to face this demon by herself?” Xander asked.  “I mean, we don’t even know the first thing about him.”

 

“Yeah, I really don’t like the idea of her going there alone,” Tara said softly.

 

“She went off to face an unknown demon by herself and you just let her go?” Spike asked, anger bubbling up inside of him.

 

“Well, Spike, she IS a grown woman,” Giles countered.  “I can hardly just tell her…” He paused, looking around at the others in the room before sighing.  “Everyone grab a weapon,” he said, reaching for an axe and heading for the door.

 

Pt. 2

 

Willow walked through the door and into the dark, vacant bar, looking around.

 

“I know why you’re here!” She shouted.

 

Suddenly a spot light lit up, illuminating the demon she remembered from before, who was standing on the stage.

 

“Ahhh…the witch,” he said with a knowing grin.  “Thought you might be coming by.”

 

“Yeah, well I…you did?  Why would you be thinking that?” She asked.

 

“Why don’t you run away?” He began to sing.  “Do you like my style? 

Did you come to play, I guarantee a…great big smile!  I come from…”

 

“Why don’t we skip this scene and head straight for the big finale?”

Willow interrupted, yelling loudly. 

 

The demon stopped singing and dancing, his back to her and spun around.

He let out a small chuckle.  “So many juicy little secrets hidden away. 

This is even more fun than before.”

 

“Before?” She said, her voice high pitched and nervous.  She could feel her heart pounding in her chest as heat spread over her face.  “What do you mean, before?”  She didn’t seem to even notice as her friends all entered the building behind her.

 

“Well, you don’t really think that you are the ONLY one to remember, do you?”

 

Her eyes widened and he let out a hearty laugh. 

 

“Oh come now!  Not all of us demons are as dim-witted as vampires,” he said, tossing a glance at a growling Spike.

 

“But how?  No one was supposed to remember but me,” she whispered.

 

Anya, Xander, Tara and Dawn looked around in confusion, trying to understand what was being said.  Spike and Giles exchanged worried, knowing glances.

 

“Second verse, same as the first!” He sang out. “So tell me, is it any better the second time around?”

 

Willow shook her head sadly.  “I thought it would be, but…it’s so hard,” she whispered. “Coming back, knowing what I know, it’s not any better. I mean, I came back in time to save the world, but I can’t even tell anyone about it, and the things I saw, the things I DID!  It’s like…I don’t even feel like I’m really here now, and…they can’t know.”

 

“Willow?” Tara called from behind her.

 

The redhead turned around, dismayed to see her friends standing there.

 

“Ah, and on that note, I’ll take my cue to leave,” the demon said with a smile.

 

“What?” Willow said, looking up in surprise.  “You’re leaving, just like that? I mean, not that I’m complaining, but…you know, it’s usually not that simple.”

 

“I remember how this tune goes,” he told her.  “That boy summoned me and I’m not really interested in eternal marital bliss with that one.”

 

“Eternal what now?” Xander asked in confusion.

 

“I’d sing my little diddy, but then, I’m guessing it would be more like rehashing an old classic to you,” he said with a sneer, before lifting his arm and waving it theatrically, disappearing back to wherever he had come from.

 

Willow turned around slowly, keeping her eyes on the floor.  She couldn’t bring herself to face any of them.  Just as Spike went to take a step toward her, Tara moved to walk up to her.  Gently, she reached out and touched Willow’s arm.

 

“Willow?  Will, please look at me.”

 

The redhead slowly raised her eyes and Tara saw the tear tracks running down her cheeks.

 

“Tara,” she whispered, “I’m so sorry, I…”

 

“Willow, how could you not tell me something like that?  How could you carry something like that on your own?”

 

“I couldn’t tell you,” Willow replied, her voice hoarse.  “I just couldn’t.”

 

“Anyone else real confused right now?” Xander said, raising his hand in the air.  “What the hell just happened?”

 

“Willow did a spell, about a year in the future, to come back in time and stop you all from resurrecting Buffy,” Giles told him quietly.

 

“What?  Why?  How?  I…why?”

 

Willow looked over at him.  “I had to.  Because of that ritual, bringing Buffy back, it caused a lot of bad things to happen.  The First returned.” 

 

Xander’s eyes widened in shock. 

 

“We couldn’t defeat it, so Buffy asked me to come back here and fix it, but I would be the only one to remember.  I remember everything that happened in the last year, or well…the next year, I guess.”

 

“Willow, oh goddess,” Tara whispered.

 

“What do you mean, bad things?” Xander asked.

 

“Buffy, she was in heaven and we ripped her out.  I…I got too far into the dark magic and…people were hurt, people were killed,” she told them, looking away from Tara as she spoke.  “I…I almost destroyed the world.  I completely lost myself.  Xander, you stopped me, but…now…you can see that I’m…different, changed.”

 

“So, this is what you were keeping from me.  This is why you were so different, and this is why you wanted the spell to forget.  Willow, I…I don’t even know you now,” Tara said sadly.

 

“I know!  But…but if you could just take the time and get to re-know me…I mean, I’m still me, just…a little older I guess, but it’s still me.”

 

“I don’t know, I mean…I just don’t know,” Tara said, turning away.

 

“Just one chance.  Just give me one more chance,” Willow pleaded.

 

“I don’t know, Will.  I’ll have to think about it.”

 

Willow nodded, not noticing Spike seething off to the side.

 

“And you HAVE to ease up on the magic and no forgetting spell.  It’s too dangerous,” she added.

 

“Well, that’s complicated,” Willow explained.  “I’m powerful now.  More powerful than anyone other witch in the world, and…well, I can’t just stop, but I’m very careful now, believe me. Things will get better, Tara, they will.” 

 

Tara nodded gravely.

 

“You…you knew how to bring Buffy back…and you didn’t?” Dawn asked.  Willow looked toward the younger girl, trying to hold back the tears.

 

“I had to, Dawnie.  I’m sorry.  It’s what your sister asked me to do,” she tried to explain.  “When I brought her back…she was so unhappy.”

 

“But you knew…you knew how to do it.  And…you did it and you remember.  You got to be with her again and you remember…”

 

“Dawnie, please…” she reached forward to pull the girl into a hug, but Dawn shrugged away from her, crossing her arms and not looking at her. “How could you do this Willow?”

 

“Xander?” She asked, turning toward her best friend.

 

“Will, I…how could you keep all of this from us?” He asked, his voice cracking.

 

“I’m sorry, so sorry, I just…” she moved forward to touch his arm and he took a step back, startling her.

 

“I’m sorry, Will, I…I just can’t right now,” he said. 

 

She nodded sadly and they all turned and walked out, going separate ways.

 

Part 3

 

A little musical interlude (song title- Tracks of My Tears)

 

People say I'm the life of the party

'Cause I tell a joke or two

Although I might be laughing loud and hearty

Deep inside I'm blue

 

Willow was walking down the dark, empty road, wondering how in the world things had gotten so out of hand.  She had her shoulders hunched forward and her hands shoved into her pockets, shivering as a cold wind blew around her.

 

The redhead hadn’t noticed that she was being followed and, as usual, she nearly jumped out of her skin when a cool hand reached up and gently grasped her shoulder.  She turned around, having a hard time looking up at the blonde vampire.

 

So take a good look at my face

You know my smile looks out of place

If you look closer it's easy to trace

The tracks of my tears

 

I need you...

Need you

 

He cocked his head to the side, regarding her carefully, waiting for her to look up at him.  Finally, she glanced up, lifting only her eyes.

 

“You alright, Red?” He asked softly.

 

She looked up at him for a moment, a blank stare on her face as she really pondered the question before finally shaking her head ‘no’ and looking back down sadly. 

 

They stood in front of each other, both awkwardly looking away from the other and shifting uncomfortably.  Without saying anything,

Spike slowly extended his hand to her.  She looked down, as if it were a foreign object she had never seen before, her face still unreadable.  Finally, she reached out tentatively and slipped her hand into his.

 

Since you left me if you see me with another girl

Looking like I'm having fun

Although she may be cute, she's just a substitute

'Cause you're the permanent one

 

The two walked down the street together, hand in hand, not bothering to say anything.  Really, there was nothing to be said.  She needed his comfort just then and he was happy to have someone who needed him for a change. 

 

There were a million questions he would have liked to ask her, a million things he would have liked to tell her, but he knew now was not the time. And so, they just walked, neither interested in going home any time soon.

 

So take a good look at my face

You know my smile looks out of place

If you look closer it's easy to trace

The tracks of my tears

 

Eventually, they both stopped, looking around and realizing they had walked into the park near the college.  Willow looked up at him and he could see the tears starting to slip from her eyes.

 

“Shhh,” he whispered, running his hand along her neck, pulling back a few strands of loose hair, as she let out a small sob.

 

“I’m so tired of crying,” she mumbled.  “You’d think I’d be all out of tears by now.  I don’t want to cry anymore.”

 

He ran his hand under her chin, tilting her face up to look at him and gently wiped the tears away with a calloused finger.  The tiny act of kindness was enough to shatter her resolve and she threw herself into his arms, burying her tear-soaked face in his chest.  He wrapped his arms around the sobbing redhead, not entirely sure of how to comfort her.

 

Baby, take a good look at my face

You know my smile looks out of place

If you look closer it's easy to trace

The tracks of my tears

 

Finally, her sobs subsided and she pulled back a bit in his embrace, not actually pulling away.  He looked down at the small witch and again, her expression was unreadable.  Before either of them knew what was happening, they found their lips meeting in a tender yet desperate kiss.  Starting soft and gentle, it quickly turned passionate and hungry, both needing the solace found there, their troubles and fears melting away until all that existed was the witch and the vampire, the two pairs of lips meeting, the two sets of hands holding on tightly, the two hearts, one beating wildly, one completely still, aching to be held close to the other.

 

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