The Fine Art of Being
Waiting. I hate waiting. Even if it’s just for a second, I still hate
it. So much more I could be doing with
that second. Could be hunting, feeding,
killing. Yeah, there’s other stuff in
there that would be fun too, but let’s pretend I’m gentlemanly enough to not
mention those.
Knock, knock, knock.
I didn’t expect this. In fact, this was the last thing I was
expecting. But here it is, and here I
am…finally, at the center of it all, just as it should be. Soon, I will have my mate and we will be
together, powerful, poised to take over the world if we choose…or maybe just
destroy it. And to think it started out
so innocently. I was so pure, so naïve…so
sickeningly good. Thank god that’s over
and done with. Jessie really wasn’t
kidding, poor dusted bastard. Should
have listened to him. Thank god…or maybe
I should be thanking someone else that I finally figured out who I really am. I’m just finally learning the fine art of
being…being aware, being powerful…being truly alive.
I know what you’re
probably thinking. Must have been that
evil Angelus that got to him. Or maybe
it was Spike or Drucilla that finally turned him. I can see how you might think that. They were always the biggest of the big bad
vampires…but you’d be wrong. Dead
wrong. Ha…sorry…can’t resist a good
pun. Nah. The truth is it was just a regular, ordinary
dumb-as-the-dirt-he-crawled-out-of vamp that got me. It’s true, as sorry as I am to admit it. Don’t worry though, dusted him the first
chance I had. Yeah, I know, vampires are
supposed to have all this loyalty and respect for their sires, but come
on! The guy had the smarts of a ball of
lint. There was no way I was going to
honor and obey THAT.
Knock, knock, knock.
Let’s go, already. I know you’re home. You’re always home, doing some homework or
studying, no doubt. Where are you? Hello!
Bruised and battered friend out here, in need of some major love and
devotion!
The lights flicker on,
finally. She peers out the window,
searching the darkness with sleepy eyes.
I see the doorknob turning…get ready…show time.
“Xander?” Must have been asleep. Huh…well maybe I won’t be too mad about being
kept waiting then. Maybe.
“Wills, can I come in?” I
give her my best lost-puppy look and see her melt before me. Like taking candy
from a baby. Or maybe more like sneaking
around like a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
No, no…sneaking much harder…involving stealthy moves and costuming. Candy from a baby is a much easier, more
accurate analogy. Yeah, yeah…like taking
candy from a baby.
“Of course, Xander…come
in. What’s wrong?” She grabs my hand and
pulls me across the threshold. Good
thing she said the words before pulling me in.
Might have had a situation otherwise.
I gasp and pant, pretending
to be out of breath and it dawns on me, for the first time since I’ve been
awake, that I haven’t actually been breathing.
Cool.
“
“Oh, god, are you
okay? Was…was it…vampires?”
“Yeah. Yeah, there are
vampires all over the place,” I say before grabbing her shoulders and pulling
her closer to me. “I was so afraid I
wouldn’t make it here…to you.”
“Oh…oh, well, Xander,
you…you did…you know…make it here.” She looks up nervously, her eyes darting
around the room. Clearly she doesn’t
know what to make of my mannerisms.
Stupid boy, so preoccupied with the damn slayer, never knew what was
right in front of him. Never knew what
to do with her. But I do now, and I’m
all about making up for lost time. Won’t
be making THAT mistake twice.
“So…so everything’s okay,
right?” She asks timidly, looking up, her beautiful green eyes full of
worry. I smile down at her. She squirms out of my hold and I allow her
to, for now. “Why were you out so late?”
She asks me, accusation filling her voice.
I can see her face harden slightly as she becomes angry at my apparent
stupidity.
“I had been at The Bronze,
with Buffy, and she took off after some vamps.
I was heading home.” See, I can
be honest. That’s all true. Granted, that was LAST night, and apparently
nobody noticed the missing Xander body for all of today. Hmm…might have to punish her for that one.
“Oh,” she says quietly,
looking down at the floor. Knew
mentioning that I had been out with Buffy would get to her. What can I say? I’m evil now.
“I…I didn’t know you two
were going out tonight.” She sounds
upset and I’m not entirely sure that I can’t make her cry here. I smile at the thought of that.
“Yeah, well, she just
called up and asked if I wanted to hang out.
Guess she can’t get enough of the old Xan-man,” I say, wincing at how
stupid I sound, but remembering that I need to keep up the act. Can’t be all super suave guy suddenly, now can
I.
Can I?
Nah, she would see right
through that.
Right?
“Oh…a-and nobody thought
to call me?” She looks up and I have to fight the urge to jump up and down,
patting myself on the back as I see that there are, indeed, tears in her eyes.
“Well, Buffy just figured
you’d be home studying or something. You
know, you being all big with the books and the learning. And no offense, Will, but I didn’t exactly
want to be giving up my one-on-one time with the slayer, you know?” Had to add that last little bit in, even if
it’s the furthest thing from the truth now.
Well, unless we are talking about me sinking my teeth into her neck, in
which case, yeah, I’m all about a little one-on-one slayer time.
“Oh,” is her only
response, and I can see that her spirits are completely fallen. Now…time to swoop in and pick them back up
again. God I love this game!
“But I’m here now, ready
for a little one-on-one time with the Willster.”
“Gee, well if you think
you can spare the time,” she says rolling her eyes as I arch one of my dark
eyebrows at her. Hmm…getting a little
testy now, are we? Good…wouldn’t be any
fun otherwise.
“Hey, come on,
Willow. Who would I rather spend my
evening with than my very bestest friend in the whole wide world?” I give her a
big, bright, goofy Xander smile and she looks at me with a funny expression on
her face.
“Well, but you just said…”
She begins, but it cut off when the telephone rings. She walks over and picks up the phone. I try to listen as casually and uninterested
as possible.
“Hello? Hey, Buffy.
Did you get those vamps?
What? No, I mean the ones from
The Bronze, when you and Xander…what?
No. No. Xander said…you’re what?” She looks up at me as Buffy is talking,
giving me a very confused look.
Shit. Slayer’s blowing my whole
cover.
Shit. Time to go.
Before she has the chance to look over at me again, I’m out the door,
which I leave wide open. I watch her
from the yard as she looks up and sees that I’m gone. She walks to the door,
peering out, her face a mixture of confusion and worry as she continues talking
to the slayer. I wait until she finally
closes and relocks the door before moving on and finding a nice, warm meal.
~*~
They’re in the library,
the following night, all sitting around as usual. I can feel the slayer from my hiding place up
in the stacks and I’m wondering if we haven’t all really over-estimated her
abilities. I mean, she hasn’t even
sensed me at all. I’m, like, a newly
risen fledgling and I can sense her.
“It was just so weird,
Buffy. He said you guys had gone out
that night, and…he was just acting so strangely,”
“Maybe he got into a wacky
spell book again,” Buffy says dismissively.
“Or maybe he had Amy do some hocus-pocus-y something-er-other for
him. Maybe he just needs to sleep off
the effects.”
“I don’t know,”
A second later, the main
doors burst open and Angelo bounds in.
Buffy jumps off of the table, taking a fighting stance, stake poised in
front of her, ready to pounce, relaxing a moment later, as she realizes its
Angel.
“Angel, god, you scared
us. What are you doing here?” She can’t
keep the smile from her face as seeing him.
It’s enough to make even the sappiest demon sick.
“Buffy, I have to tell you
something,” he tells her, that brooding, sad look on his face. “I don’t know how to tell you…” he says,
glancing from her to
“Angel, what is it? You’re starting to scare me,” Buffy tells
him. I’m kinda curious myself at this
point.
“Angel? Oh.
Wasn’t expecting to see you this evening. To what do we, uh, owe the…pleasure?” Giles
says, coming out of his office, carrying a large stack of books. Ah, yes, always the English gentleman, even
to demons we despise.
“I have to tell you all
something…something I just found out tonight.
There…there’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to come out and
say it. Xander’s dead.”
“What?” Buffy sounds
shocked and gives him a little shove away from her. Giles drops his books and grabs his glasses,
beginning to clean them, but the only person I’m paying any attention to is
“He…he was killed by a
group of vampires…two nights ago. They…”
“No!” Willows voice cuts
him off. It’s steady and controlled and
not what I was expecting. Where’s the
tears? Where’s the screaming? She stands up and looks at Angel. “No…you heard wrong.”
“
“No, Angel, he was at my
house last night. I talked to him last
night. He was…acting a little weird,
but…well, he was there, talking to me, and…alive. He was alive.” Her voice is still soft and
calm sounding, though I can sense the urgent hysteria just beneath the
teetering control.
“
“What? He’s…he’s been what?” Buffy asks, turning
Angel’s attention back to her. Walking
back to the blond, he grabs her arms and she looks up at him, her eyes filled
with tears.
“He’s a vampire,
Buffy. I’m sorry.”
“Dear lord,” Giles says
softly.
“No, no, no, no, no, no,”
I can hear her mumbling into her folded over arms, over and over. Angel
releases Buffy from his embrace and kneels in front of
“
“He can’t be! He can’t be!
I just talked to him last night.
He was in my house, in my room, last night. He…had been chased, after leaving The Bronze,
and…but he made it, to my house…to me, and we were talking, and he was in my
room, and…” She breaks down, sobbing hysterically. Now this was more like it.
“Oh, god…it’s my fault,”
Buffy says quietly. “It’s my fault. He was out with me and I left him to walk
home alone, and he was killed, because of me.”
“Buffy, you must not blame
yourself. You had no idea. No way to
know that…” Giles pauses in the comforting of his slayer. Yeah! Don’t coddle her. It IS her fault! Hear that Buffy? All your fault. Your friend is dead, because of you!
“Oh dear…Willow…did you
say he was…in your house?”
Willow looks up the
librarian and nods, tears streaming down her face. “I…I don’t understand,” she whispers softly
as Angel stands back up and looks at Giles.
“Did you invite him in?”
Giles questions.
“I…well…yeah, I did, but I
didn’t realize I was…I just said come in and he did, and…”
“Oh dear lord,” Giles
says, again removing his glasses to clean them.
“Xander…or, well, the demon inhabiting the body of Xander, now has an
open invitation into Willow’s house.”
“He wasn’t a demon! He wasn’t!
It was Xander! We talked, and it
was him. Same old Xander!” She screams
before jumping up and running from the library. Buffy moves to follow her, but
Angel grabs her arm, stopping her.
“Maybe you should just let
her go. Give her a little time and space.
It’s a lot to absorb, especially for her.” Buffy nods before allowing Angel to envelope
her in another hug.
“Well, do you really think
that’s wise right now, what with the vampire of her former best friend wandering
the streets and welcomed into her home?” The watcher interjects.
“Giles is right,” Buffy
says, nodding. “We need to find her. She
isn’t safe alone right now.” Without
waiting to hear anymore, I take off through the back of the library and run out
into the night.
~*~
It doesn’t take long to
find her. Nobody knows my Wills like I
do. She is walking aimlessly down a
deserted downtown street, her arms hugging her body tightly, as tears still stream
down her face.
“Hey, Wills. Long time no see,” I say, coming up behind
her, smiling as she stiffens and pauses for a moment before continuing to walk.
“I know what you are,” She
mumbles quietly, through clenched teeth.
“Yeah, I heard. Good old Angel to the rescue, yet again,
huh.”
“Why did you come?” She
asks softly, her voice barely above a whisper and rough from crying. She stops now and is staring up at me.
I arch an eyebrow at her
before answering. “Was looking for you.”
“Last night,” she
clarifies. “Last night…did you come to
kill me?”
“What? Me?
Kill you? No way. I had no
intentions of killing you, Willow.
Unless, of course, you wanted me to.” I smile at her as she watches me
warily.
“Then why?”
“Why? I wanted to see you. I had just risen and realized there was no
one else in the world that I wanted to see but my Wills. Death…it can be amazingly clarifying. See, I finally realized what I had right in
front of me, and had always taken for granted.”
I take a step forward, leaning down so that my face is only inches from
her ear and whisper, “I have no intention of letting you go this time, though.”
“Then…then you did want to
kill me. Why…why didn’t you?” She asks.
“Told you…wasn’t going to
kill you. Not going to kill you until
you’re begging me for it. And you will,
eventually, beg me for it, Willow. It’s
just a matter of time.” She shakes her
head in disagreement. “Don’t knock it
till you’ve tried it. In death, I’m
stronger and more powerful than I ever was in life. You will be too, Willow. No more playing second best. No more being pushed around. From now on, I do the pushing.”
“No, I’d…I’d rather just
be dead,” she says, taking a step back and hitting the wall of the building
behind her.
“That CAN be arranged,
Willow,” I growl menacingly. Isn’t that
so cool? I can be all menacing now. “Do you know how easy it would be for me to
sink my teeth into your soft, tender little neck right now?”
“About as easy as it would
be for me to ram this take into your heart, I’d guess.” Damn it! The slayer! Whirling around, I come face to face with
Buffy and see a vamped out Angel right behind her.
“Slayer. I’m not looking to fight you right now.”
“Oh, gee, well that’s too
bad, ‘cause I was really looking forward to fighting you,” the blond says with
a smile, before lunging toward me. I’m
strong, but I’m no fool. I know I’m too
young and the slayer will beat me easily enough. I dodge punches and throw a few of my own,
but it’s clear to everyone that I’m loosing.
Suddenly I find myself flat on my back, my former friend crouched over
me, stake held high above my chest. I
close my eyes just as she is about to bring it down and wince, awaiting the
inevitable pain.
“Wait!” I hear a shout and
look up to see Willow holding Buffy’s arm back.
“Don’t stake him!”
“Willow! What are you doing?” I take this momentary lapse in concentration
to shove the slayer off of me and jump up, running down the street and around
the corner, out of their sight. I leap
up to a short building top and then over to another, watching the small group
from above, unseen.
“Willow, what the hell
were you doing?” Buffy asks her angrily, as she stands up and dusts herself
off.
“I couldn’t…I just
couldn’t let you stake him,” Willow tells her quietly.
“Willow, you know that
isn’t Xander anymore, right?” Buffy asks her.
“I mean, I don’t want him to be dead either. You know that. But that…what we saw tonight…it’s a demon. A demon that killed Xander and stole his
body. Nothing more.”
They say no more and the
three walk away, Willow still looking somewhat unconvinced and I make a silent
vow that one day soon, I will have her kneeling before me, begging me to turn
her and make her mine, forever.
~*~
He never laughed at
me. No matter what silly thing I said or
what stupid thing I wore, he never laughed, not even once. And yet, he was always the one to make me
smile when I needed it. Every time, he
was there with a quick joke or just a goofy grin…whatever I needed. He was always there.
Imagining life without him
is impossible, and yet that is what it seems I am faced with. I’m aware that my entire being has shut
down. I can’t talk. I can’t move.
I can’t think, and that says a lot for me. I feel like a part of me has been ripped out
and I’m just left in a ditch somewhere, slowly bleeding to death. I keep waiting for the alarm to go off, for
me to wake up and have this all be just a horrible nightmare, because even with
everything we face and all we do…with all the monsters we now know truly exist,
it still never occurred to me that I could loose him.
And I have.
I’ve lost him. I’ve lost my Xander, and in doing so, I think
I’ve lost myself. I can vaguely hear Angel and Buffy speaking words of comfort,
but I can’t make them out. It’s like a
foreign language to me and I’ve just tuned it out so that it’s nothing more
than a dull buzz in the back of my fried and cracked mind. He’s gone.
I’m lost. I’m gone.
And yet, I know I must go
on. Demons to fight, people to save and
all that. But right now, I just don’t
care. I couldn’t save him. He didn’t make it to me in time and thoughts
of what it must have been like for him…I can’t even go there.
But tomorrow, the sun will
rise and I will tilt my chin up, head held high and fight through the day. It doesn’t matter what I’m fighting for, not
anymore. I know what he would want. He would want me to be strong and stay
fighting and never give up, and I have no intention of letting him down.
~*~
It’s been a week, and I
haven’t spoken to her once, but I’ve visited her every night. I’m pretty sure she knows I’m there. She never looks relaxed and is constantly
looking over her shoulder, just waiting for me to jump out of the dark. But I never do. Wouldn’t be any fun if she was expecting it.
That damn slayer is around
her constantly, along with the watcher and that traitor – Angel. Talk about a turncoat. Fighting his own kind. Just isn’t right. Some one need to show that guy the right
path.
She isn’t the same. That much is clear. My death has affected her in a way that no
other death had previously, and believe me, she’s seen her share of death. But now…now she seems lost, hollow
inside. Going through the motions, but
just barely. She puts on that brave
little face for everyone around her and holds her head high, pretending she’s
still a fighter. But I know the
truth. She could never lie to me. I know she’s nothing more than a broken shell
of the person she was. She’s nothing
without me, and that’s a comforting thought.
I like that. It gives me
power. I mean, power beyond the
super-strength and super-hearing and seeing.
It gives me the edge I need.
So, I think
tonight…tonight I’ll have a little chat with my Willow.
I hop up onto the balcony,
remembering when I used to climb up here.
It seemed like Mt. Everest and I would always swell with pride when I
reached her doorway. Sometimes it was to
escape my parents…poor, dead bastards.
Ah, who am I kidding…sweetest kill I’ll ever have. Sometimes it was to comfort her after a
particularly rough day at school…being teased and taunted and ridiculed.
Note to self, find
Cordelia Chase and rip her throat out.
Slowly.
And sometimes it was just
to lie down next to her and talk about absolutely nothing at all. Those were the best times. I could listen to
her babble for hours. There’s nobody
like my Wills. Nobody at all.
I purposefully ping a
large rock off of the balcony with my booted foot, and smile when the murmuring
from inside the room stops. I slide up
against the wall and wait as she peers out the slightly open French doors. She walks away and I wait. Only a few moments later, she returns to the
door, talking to who ever is inside the room with her.
“Thank you,” she says
softly. Her voice sounds hoarse and I
assume she’s been crying. “I really appreciate
you stopping by to check on me. I’m
fine, though, really.”
“You aren’t fine, Willow,
and no one expects you to be.” Damn!
Angel, that bastard. What the
hell is he doing here…with my Willow?
Isn’t he supposed to be off somewhere with the slayer, practicing his
latest brooding act or showing off his newly gelled hair?
“Well, I had a long talk
with myself, and I said to myself, ‘self, I said, you have two choices…you can
wallow in self-pity, or you can move on and continue living, fighting.’ So, I decided to go with choice number
two.” She sounds so chipper it makes me
cringe.
“Well, we do have to keep
fighting…for what we care about. When we stop caring…that’s when we are truly
dead.” Oh come on! Please! What kind of sentimental garbage is
that? She isn’t actually going to buy
any of that crap, is she?
“Yeah, I know. Thanks again, Angel.” She ushers him to the doorway and they stop.
I quickly move back, ducking into the shadows at the far corner of the balcony,
hoping they don’t see me. I watch,
seething with anger as he dares to lean in and hug her. Nobody hugs that girl but me!
Finally, he turns away and
jumps down, leaving quickly as she turns back into her room. She’s about to swing the door closed when I
step forward and reach out a hand, catching the door before it shuts. Startled, she begins to turn back, to see
what is blocking the door.
“Angel, did you forget
some-” She stops, seeing me standing there, and though I can smell the waves of
fear begin to over take her, I can’t help but be impressed with how quickly she
composes herself, setting her jaw, her body going ridged and her eyes glaring
angrily at me.
“What do you want?” She
asks, her voice low and menacing, and I have to fight to not laugh. It’s just so cute. I stare at her, raising an eyebrow at her
question. “Leave me alone,” she
commands.
I shake my head. “Sorry, Wills, you know I can’t do that.”
“Don’t call me that! Don’t
call me Wills. He called me that, and we
both know you aren’t him.”
“See, well…that’s where
you’re wrong. I am him, only
better. When are you going to get
that? When are you going to give into
the darkness swirling inside you? I
mean, come on…you can’t actually be buying into any of the crap sweet little
Angel is feeding you, can you?” I watch her eyes widen slightly and I smirk at
her. “Oh yeah, that’s right, I saw your
little pal leaving here, and don’t think you won’t be punished for that,
Willow, because you will.” I lean in and whisper the next part into her ear. “But I promise, you’ll enjoy every second of
it.” She tries to step away, shaking her head frantically, but I grab a hold of
her arm tightly and yank her to me, feeling her collide with my hard, dead
chest. “You are mind, Willow. Always have been, always will be. In life, in death…doesn’t change. Don’t forget that.” With that, I shove her
away and she falls back onto the bed behind her.
“Please, please just leave
me alone.” Now she’s pleading and the tears are beginning to fall. This is where the fun begins.
“Not gonna happen,
Willow. And if I catch you with him
again, you’ll be very, VERY sorry.” At that, I turn and walk out, jumping
gracefully from the balcony and taking off into the night, enjoying the sound
of her soft, desperate sobbing as I walk way.
~*~
I don’t see her again for
a few days. She’s laying low. Staying at the slayers house, I think. But her parents came home from one of their
many trips this afternoon, so my guess is that she’ll be coming home
tonight. I’m pretty much betting on
that. Gotta go home and pretend to do
that family bonding and caring thing.
Pathetic. Those two people don’t
deserve to have a daughter as good as her.
Never have, never will.
She goes out with the rest
of the white hats for the nightly patrol, same as every other night. The watcher hears that a group of demons has
parlayed at The Bronze, and Buffy proclaims that she must go there. Of course, Willow is forbidden from joining. I mean, they might be reckless, but they
aren’t crazy. They know I’m looking for
her and I’m sure Buffy, being the self-absorbed bitch that she is, assumes this
might be a trap of some sort. Well, give
the dumb blond points there…it’s not exactly NOT a trap…
They split up and it takes
every ounce of my willpower to not jump out and attack them as I see the
redhead go off alone with Angel.
They walk and they talk
and it’s all terribly sappy and boring.
I’ll spare you the details and just give you the highlights. Angel does his broody thing, and interjects a
few pithy little words of wisdom here and there, while Willow mopes and babbles
and carries on. After a while, they come
upon Willow’s house and say their good-byes.
Angel leans in for his nightly hug-fest with My woman and stops
mid-embrace, looking up cautiously. I
smile. Clever guy. Never able to put one past you, am I? He looks toward the house and immediately
senses that something is not right. He
sniffs the air and I can tell by the look on his face that he smells the
blood. God, you gotta love being a vampire!
“Angel, what is it?” She
looks up at him nervously as he becomes increasingly alarmed.
“Willow, stay here a
minute. Don’t move, okay?” He tells her
before making his way into the house.
Willow, being forever Willow, and always the curious one, follows a few
paces behind him and peers through the front door. Her scream pierces the silence of the night
and it’s like music to my ears. Angel
spins around and grabs her just before she collapses and I know she’s seen my
little gift to her. I hope she reads the
card. Spent a long time picking it out
and writing the message.
“Dearest Willow – A gift
for you. Let those who don’t deserve you
be brought down in justice.”
I smile at the picture of
their bodies, bloody and shredded, propped up at the bottom of the staircase,
holding a framed photograph of their only daughter. The one they abandoned on a nearly monthly
bases in favor of vacations and seminars.
Willow is on her knees in
the doorway, sobbing and muttering incoherently, as Angel holds her in his
arms, rocking her gently.
“Willow…Willow, we need to
call the police,” he says, quickly, eventually.
She nods and he lets her go, entering the house in search of a
phone. She slowly gets up and staggers
out onto the front lawn before collapsing again onto the dewy ground.
“You’re being awfully
rude, Willow, not even thanking me for your gift.” I laugh as I watch her face intently. “I TOLD you that if I saw you with him again,
you would be punished, didn’t I? You
know, I’m only doing this because I love you.
I want you and I need you to see that.
You’re mine, Willow, and you WILL learn that.”
“Willow, the police are on
their way. I think we should go see
Giles,” Angel calls from the house. I
look up, knowing I need to leave now.
Looking back down at her once again, I grab the back of her hair,
yanking her up and to me before kissing her fiercely, claiming her mouth with
my own. Just before I’m sure she’s about
to pass out from lack of oxygen, I release her, shoving her away and to the
ground, snickering and as I run off to watch them from a safe distance.
“Willow?” Angel comes out
to her as she is sobbing on the lawn and pulled her up, holding her to
him. “Willow, we should go,” he tells
her, and together they go off to the watcher’s house.
~*~
I won’t let him get to
me. I won’t let him get to me. I won’t let him get to me.
I recite this mantra over
and over in my head as I walk alone thought the dark cemetery. I know what he’s doing. I know the game he’s playing and I won’t let
him win. I can’t.
Walking up to the two
fresh graves, I stand over them, feeling strangely unemotional. These were my parents and though I loved
them, as all good children do love their parents, I can't pretend to be all that
effected by their loss. They were more
strangers to me than family, and what I feel, what I weep for, is more a bitter
guilt than anything else. These people,
these two people who gave me life are now dead because of me. Ultimately, I know that isn't entirely
true. They are dead because a killer in
my best friend's body got to them before I could, but still, they would have
been safe had he not been after me.
And this is what gets to
me most of all. He continues to haunt
me, torment me, but never kills me. I
feel growing apprehension by the day, wondering when they time will come for
him to finally drain me dry. And at the
same time, I am slowly coming to a sense of peace over the ultimate knowledge
that it is only a short matter of time until my death.
Buffy would be furious at
me if she knew the way my thoughts swayed, as would Giles and Angel. They are all about the big talking and
"gotta keep fighting" and "still stuff worth fighting for",
but the truth is, and I'll never let them know it, I'm slowly losing sight of
the big picture. My vision is narrowing
and soon it will be nothing more than me, him and my death.
This is how he wants
it. I know it is, but I'm so tired and
feeling at such a loss of power that i just want to close my eyes and
rest. Just sleep, and soon I know I'll
give in and take that any way I can get it.
~*~
All week I've been leaving
her little gifts in her locker at school, at the watcher's place, in her bag at
the library. Little tokens of my
affection, little reminders of our love and friendship. I think she really appreciates them, deep
down, even though she always scowls and throws them away. You'd think a girl would like receiving flowers
and little stuffed animals, wouldn't you?
My Wills always was the
different one. Never went along with the
norm. Never did what you expected. Even after I killed her parents, she still
stayed around that damned pathetic excuse for a vampire. Even dared to stay a night at his house. Oh sure, I know it was upon the slayer's
insistence, and I know she protested at first.
Heard her listing off her many excuses, knowing that she feared what
might become of him or someone else she loved if she gave in, but in the end,
she did do just that. She gave in to
him. Let him lead her home and sit with
his souly little arms wrapped around her, comforting her. He didn't try anything. Too much of a pansy-ass for that, I'm sure,
but still...her just being there was enough.
Enough to really piss me off.
I mean, first the bastard
gets Buffy...which, fine...no big deal there...so over that one. But now...my Wills? Not a chance in hell I'm gonna let that
happen.
Tonight she's out alone
and I can't say I'm not surprised.
Actually, I can't believe Buffy and Angel let her out of their sight for
longer than five minutes, let alone long enough for her to wander around alone
at night. Doesn't she know the streets
aren't safe? Doesn't she know there are
all sorts of nasty creatures out here, just dieing to take a bite out of her?
Somebody better let her
know.
"Will, buddy," I
greet her, as I walk silently up behind her.
She does nothing. Her body
doesn't stiffen, her face doesn't flinch.
For the longest time she makes no movement at all, and I think that
maybe I've broken her, though I doubt it.
She's much stronger than she appears.
Finally, she slowly turns around to face me and I can't help but smile
as I see that familiar fire in her eyes.
"I'm not afraid of
you," she says in a low, even voice.
I raise an eyebrow at her
and chuckle. "No? Well, I wonder
what we can do about that." With that, I let my human mask drop and show
her my true face. I see her flinch
slightly and smile in triumph.
"Gonna scream? Gonna
cry?" Gonna run to your sweet, little Angel?" I taunt her.
Slowly, she shakes her
head no, her hands held nervously behind her back.
"No? Awww, come on,
Wills. Be a sport," I say with a
snicker. "Give me something
here."
"Alright, I'll give
you something," she says before quickly pulling her arms forward and
throwing a large bottle of holy water at me.
I leap back with lightning fast reflexes and feel a few drops splatter
on my skin, hearing it sizzle. I let out
a snarl and lung for her, seeing her shrink back.
"Not a smart move,
Willow. You'll pay for that," I
growl at her just before she takes off running.
Now, here, I gotta say, I’m surprised.
You'd think she'd be smarter than to think for even a second that she
could outrun me. I laugh, giving her a
short head start. Wouldn't be any fun if
I caught her too quickly, after all.
Chasing her down a vacant
street, we end up in a dead-end alleyway and I slowly begin to stalk toward
her, smiling viciously as she shrinks against the brick wall.
"Tsk tsk,
Willow. Thought you'd be smarter than
this. Seems almost unsporting of me to
take advantage of such a stupid move on your part. But then, vampires, never big with playing by
the rules." Just as I'm about to
lung at her, I feel a hand clamp down on my shoulder.
"No, we don't always
play by the rules." Damn it! Angel, again!
And now who's the stupid one? I
let that little bitch lead me right into this trap!
Spinning around quickly, I
jump and kick, catching Angel in the jaw and sending him sprawling backwards.
"You want a fight,
soul-boy? Bring it on!" I yell, charging him.
"Willow, run!" I
hear him yell and before I have a chance to shout my witty reply, he catches my
jaw with a wicked upper-cut. The fight
rages on for what seems like an eternity and I can't help but feel a surge of
pride at the fact that I'm more or less holding my own against a "master
vampire" that is over 250 years older than me.
Suddenly, I hear a growl
behind me and we both stop. "Oh,
Angel, buddy, you don't mind if a few of my new friends join us, do you?"
I say with a smirk as the large group of vamps surround us. "Take him down, boys. Hurt him," I say. "Just leave him alive." I give the signal and within moments they
have him nearly ready to pass out.
Walking up to where two of them are holding him limp body, I wait until
he looked up at him, pathetic as he is and them pull my arm back, punching him
as hard as I can, knocking him out cold.
God, I've always wanted to
do that!
~*~
The next night I listen
again as the small group of white hats sits around the library talking.
“He didn’t check in with
you at all?” Willow asks, sounding nervous.
“No, and I’m starting to
get really nervous,” Buffy tells her.
You’re just starting to get nervous?
Huh…and here I thought you actually cared about the guy.
“He didn’t go to see you
after the fight, Willow?” Giles asks.
“Didn’t stop by while Buffy was still patrolling?”
“No! I left while they
were fighting, a-and he never came by,” Willow tells him.
“I went by the mansion
before heading home last night,” Buffy adds.
“No sign of him.”
“Oh god! What if he lost?”
Willow shouts. “What if he’s dust now,
and…oh, god.” With that, she dissolved into tears and I have to hold back my
laughter.
“Now, Willow, I’m sure
he’s fine,” Giles says, trying to comfort her.
“Yeah,” the slayer chimes
in, “I mean, it’s Angel. There’s no way
he’d lose that fight.” She doesn’t sound
very convinced.
Buffy stands up and goes
to the weapons chest. “I’m going out to look for him,” she announces. “If he’s hurt and out there somewhere…”
“I’m going too,” Willow
interrupts.
Buffy immediately starts
shaking her head no. “Will, it’s too
dangerous.”
Willow refuses to listen
and I can see that her resolve face is firmly in place. Not gonna win this one, Slayer. Even I know that.
They aren’t out for very
long before I have a few of the boys attack…the slayer only, of course, gotta
keep her busy for a little while. Willow
is hidden, waiting around a corner while Buffy fights off the fledglings. Not a difficult fight. Don’t expect it to be. Just need her away from Willow for a few
minutes.
“I know you’re here,”
Willow suddenly shouts out and I can’t help but smile. “Come out, already!” I step out around the corner in front of her,
a cocky grin on my face.
“Where is he?” She
demands, as if it would ever be that easy.
“Where’s who?” I ask,
innocently. She glares at me and raises
a stake in the air.
“Angel,” she growls
through clenched teeth. God, she’s going
to make a beautiful vampire.
“Oh, right, Angel. Yeah…he’s dead,” I lie, a smile on my lips.
“I don’t believe you,” she
states, and my smile widens as I reach into my pocket and pull out a small
object, holding it in front of her. His
ring. Knew she’d recognize it in a
second, and if she didn’t, the slayer surely would.
“Still don’t believe me?”
I ask and watch as she lowers her arm in defeat.
“No,” she whispers,
desperate to hold onto her denial. I
take a step closer.
“Oh yeah, but don’t worry,
your sweet Angel put up a good fight. He
just wasn’t any match for me,” I say smugly.
She flinches and her body slumps down, her shoulders hunched forward. She’s shaking her head in denial and tears
are trickling down her cheeks.
“Why?” She asks in a voice
so quiet I barely catch it.
“Why? Because, I’m
evil. A monster, remember, Wills? And you. Belong. To. Me.”
“Angel…he wasn’t…we
weren’t…he’s Buffy’s. You know
that. He’s just my friend,” Willow tells
me, her voice weak and broken, mirroring her spririt.
“I was your friend once
too, Willow, remember?” I say with a snicker.
She looks up and I can see total surrender in her eyes.
“Kill me,” she whispers
and I can barely believe what I’ve heard.
“What’s that, Wills?
Didn’t quite catch that.”
“Just do it! Just kill me, drain me, turn me,
whatever! Just do it!” She screams.
I grab her wrist and yank her roughly to me before capturing her lips
with mine in a bruising kiss. When I
finally release her mouth, she is panting and I lean over to whisper in her
ear.
“I will turn you, Willow,
in good time. All in good time.” At that, I grab a hand full of silky, red
hair, tilt her head to the side and bite harshly into her neck, draining just
enough that she looses consciousness, savoring the exquisite flavor that is my
mate.
I know she isn’t ready…not
really ready…not yet. I know by her
little outburst. Can just tell. Call it a thing, if you will. I just know.
Lifting her up, I whisper
to the unconscious redhead as I carry her home.
“I promised you would be on your knees, begging to die.”
~*~
She’s been chained to the
bed for six days, and I see her sink back against the headboard in fear as I
enter the room. Her clothes are torn and hang loosely on her body. Old bruises are fading beneath newer ones and
her wrists are red and sore from where the metal has cut into them during her
struggles. Her eyes look hollow and
haunted and her skin is even more pale than usual.
“Hey there, beautiful,” I
greet her. She says nothing in response
and doesn’t even glance my way.
Growling, I move to her, leaning over the bed and grabbing a fistful of
hair, yanking her head back, forcing her to look at me.
“I expect you to
acknowledge me when I greet you.
Understand?”
She nods and I tighten my
grip, yanking more harshly. “Let me hear
your answer.”
“Y-yes, I understand,” she
whimpers, her voice hoarse from screaming and a lack of water. Taking a bottle of water off of a nearby
table I toss it to her.
“Here. Drink this,” I say gruffly, as I walk around
the room. She grabs the bottle and
greedily drains it. Looking up at me,
she watches as I take the leash that hangs from a hook on the wall and cross
the room toward her. She knows what this
means and I see her frown.
“Now, now, Wills, none of
that,” I chide her, as I reach forward and unlock the chains around her
wrists. I know she won’t run. Learned that lesson the first night. Oh and what a fun lesson that was too. Her screams are music to my ears. She sits up compliantly and I attach the
leash to a worn leather collar around her neck.
Giving it a slight pull, I stand and move away from the bed, feeling her
follow behind me.
“I have a special treat
for you tonight, Wills. You’ve been a
good girl today, so you get a little surprise.”
I see a mixture of dread and childlike pride play across her face. This second emotion is new, but doesn’t go
unnoticed. She looks almost like a child
who has just been praised and handed a shiny wrapped gift. I’m pleased at the response.
I lead her into the
basement of the old warehouse and to a large cage in the corner. Her head is down and she hasn’t seen what she
is standing in front of. “Look up at me,
Wills,” I say, and smile as her head quickly snaps up. I know immediately, by
the look on her face, that she has seen her surprise.
“Angel!” She cries out and moves as if she is about to
run to the cage door. I yank on the
leash harshly and pull her to me, gripping the back of her neck painfully.
“Did I give you permission
to speak?” I growl, and she shakes her head no, meekly.
“No, I’m sorry,” she
whispers, and I release my grip on her.
She stumbles backwards and then looks up again at the souled vampire,
humiliation and guilt etched on her face.
I know she is shocked to see him alive and it is killing her to have him
see her like this. God its fun being
evil!
“See, I sorta lied about
the whole Angel being dead thing. He
isn’t dead, yet anyways…well…actually he is, but you know what I mean. Thought I might keep him around for a while,
have a little fun with him.” She shakes
her head and looks down at the floor, tears streaming down her face.
I look over at the older
vampire and see him watching Willow intently.
“Willow, I’m sorry,” he calls out.
I stifle a smile. He’s playing
his part perfectly. She looks up, but
knows better than to say anything in response.
“Don’t be sorry, Angel,
man. She’s right where she belongs now,”
I tell him, a vicious smile crossing my face, as I pull her to me again and lick
her neck and cheek, tasting her salty tears.
She shudders and I hold her head tightly as my lips crash into hers,
kissing her harshly. Releasing her head,
I lead her over to a nearby wall and chain her hands up in hanging
shackles.
“Enjoy the show, Willow,”
I whisper before making my way back over to the cage and unlocking the
door. Letting it swing wide open, I pull
out a box of matches from my coat pocket and step inside. I look down in disgust at the poor excuse for
a vampire laying in a heap at my feet.
He is weak from both torture and lack of feeding and I kick his side
hard, causing him to moan and turn over onto his back. Leaning down, I pull open his shirt, revealing
bruises and burn marks marring his chest.
Glancing over at Willow, I light one of the matches and smile.
“Time for a little fun,” I
tell her, tossing the match onto the older vampire and hearing him howl in
pain.
“Angel! No, Stop! Xander,
please! Leave him alone!” She screams,
straining against the shackles. I turn back to look at her, releasing a
menacing growl.
“Not another word, Willow,
or I’ll ram a stake through his heart before you can yell his name,” I warn
her. She immediately clamps her mouth
shut, tears streaming down her face. The
rest of our little play time is silent other than the screams and howls coming
from the tortured vampire below me.
~*~
“Willow, wakey, wakey.”
Tonight is the night. It’s finally time
for me to take my mate. She knows it and
I know it, and god it’s going to be sweet.
She looks up groggily at
me and doesn’t bother to try and sit up. Angel is chained across the room and I
see her glance at him before looking back at me. “I can’t…can’t do it…anymore,”
she whimpers and I raise a finger to her lips, quieting her.
“Shhh, Willow. I can make it all better. I can make it all stop. Do you want that?” I say softly, brushing the tangled hair away
from her face. She nods and I smile down
at her. “You’ll be mine, and I’ll take
care of you. You’ll belong to me. Do you want that, Wills?” Again, she simply
nods. “Let me hear you say it,
Willow. I need to hear you say it.”
She pauses, staring at me
for the longest time and I start to wonder if she really will do it. Finally,
she opens her mouth and whispers, “Kill me, Xander.” I can tell that saying that in front of Angel
was the hardest part, and I’m glad I decided to have him here for this. Her
shame makes it that much sweeter.
“With pleasure,” I
respond, my lips curling into a broad smile, and I lean down, tilting her head
to the side and dropping my human mask.
Achingly slowly, I slide my fangs into her neck and feel her body tense
as she cries out in pain. I begin to
drink, pulling the life force from her and just as I hear her heartbeat slow to
near death, I rip open my wrist and place it at her mouth, forcing her to
drink. I smile, feeling her suckle at my
arm, drinking all I give her. Finally, I
pull away and settle down into the blankets.
I look down at her and
wonder…hmm…maybe I should have told her that Angel isn’t actually her souly old
pal anymore…oh well…too late to worry about that. I spare a glance toward the
dark haired vampire and see him grinning at me, a sparkle in his eyes.
Now I have just to wait
for my mate to rise.
Waiting. I hate waiting. So many better things I could be doing with
my time.
~*~