Won't Cook, Won't Cook

For Seddonism FM'99 I developed a satire of the 'Ready Steady Cook'/'Can't Cook, Won't Cook' style of TV show. I wrote 10 but when I came to do them on the radio, the sketches didn't really work, and so the item was dropped. I still think they're quite funny though.

The Host, Fem Buttocks is in italics
The Chef, Paisley Cheverolet is in bold
The Contestant is in normal text.

They say there�s many a true word spoken in jest. So; knock knock. Who�s there? It�s our celebrity cook, Paisley Cheverolet.
You disgust me.
Also joining us, but as a contestant, is Ozone layer.
Hellooo Ferm.
Ozone, a little bird tells me you�re cheating on your wife of seventeen years.
<laughs> That�s right, Ferm, there�s a funny story behind that.
Really?
Yes, you see, I don�t feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore, so I regularly receive relief from my secretary. The funny thing is, though, that my secretary is wife�s sister!
<everyone laughs>
It�s fantastic chatting to you, Ozone. You�re great, you really are.
Thanks, but the pleasure�s all mine, Fern.
Oh you! What ingredients have you brought in darl- uh I mean, Ozone?
I�ve got a seal�s flipper, some film developing fluid...
Let me guess- you�re a Pisces, right?
Right. I�ve also got some old socks, a sweet smelling red rose- oh how did that get in there?! You hold onto that for me Fern. And finally, some sweetcorn.
Those are really great ingredients. Paisley- do something with them will you?
Oh, ok.< Pause> I call this dish sweet seal fin sock.
Ozone, I bet your wife doesn�t understand you like I do...
Ferm!
Right! Ok. Marvellous. Well join us next time blah blah blah. Do you want to come on again Ozone?
Well-
You were really good!
Um
Or alternatively, i�m not doing anything after the show and would...