Won't Cook, Won't Cook

For Seddonism FM'99 I developed a satire of the 'Ready Steady Cook'/'Can't Cook, Won't Cook' style of TV show. I wrote 10 but when I came to do them on the radio, the sketches didn't really work, and so the item was dropped. I still think they're quite funny though.

The Host, Fem Buttocks is in italics
The Chef, Paisley Cheverolet is in bold
The Contestant is in normal text.

They say it�s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. So I�m glad to introduce a man we all love, chef Paisley Cheverolet!
What? Am I fired?
No.
What do you mean loved and lost then? What about the lost bit?
Er... lost week on the show you met the cooking challenge like an expert. How will you fare against today�s contestant, Tissue Box.
Howdy doodie.
Tissue, I understand you know what nine times eight is?
Yes, Ferm, the answer is 72.
Astonishing. Let�s see how your brilliance fares in our cooking challenge. What ingredients have you brought along?
I�ve got some fingernail clippings, frogspawn, some highlighter pens, an empty ketchup bottle and some dried seaweed.
Paisley, if you dial the ingredients through your utensil switch board, which culinary number would you connect to?
Eh?
What�ll you cook?
Seaweed surprise.
Ok; on your marks, get set... cook!
<noise for about 5 secs>
Ok. Done. This is called seaweed surprise, seaweed served in a ketchup bottle.
What�s the surprise?
The added ingredients of fingernails clippings, and frogspawn, with a garnish of magic marker.
Tissue- what do you think?
Mmm... delicious.
Another triumph for Paisley. Remember this and all the recipes on �Wont Cook, Won�t Cook� can be found on our fact sheet. The next show�s recipe won�t be on the fact sheet, as we haven�t done it yet. So until then, bye for now!