Won't Cook, Won't Cook

For Seddonism FM'99 I developed a satire of the 'Ready Steady Cook'/'Can't Cook, Won't Cook' style of TV show. I wrote 10 but when I came to do them on the radio, the sketches didn't really work, and so the item was dropped. I still think they're quite funny though.

The Host, Fem Buttocks is in italics
The Chef, Paisley Cheverolet is in bold
The Contestant is in normal text.

They say look before you leap. So let�s look at our Chef Paisley Cheverolet, while we leap into the show. Hello Paisley, are you looking forward to getting started?
Not especially.
And also joining us, our contestant, Fuzzy Felt, who trains zebras.
That�s right fern. You are correct in your supposition about what I do. What I do is train zebras. As you said, you are right, training zebras is what I do.
What exactly do you train zebras to do?
I train zebras to be black and white.
I see...
I also train penguins to be black and white. Except their beaks. Notoriously hard to train are penguin beaks.
Do you train Pandas?
Train pandas?! Are you insane?! You can�t train pandas to do a thing- they�re to lazy to shag- how could you train a panda to do anything?!  Are you a moron?!
Hmm, so...
And don�t even get me started on badgers! What- daylight not good enough for you?!
So, what ingredients have you brought along for Paisley, our culinary spider to weave into a web of... food?
I�ve got some compost, my neighbour�s garden gnome, a stuffed otter, some plastic that I found, and a lemon.
Mmm, yummy. So, Paisley, what ambrosia to delight the angels will you materialise from Fuzzy�s heavenly ingredients?
Oh, some slices of lemon.
Ok. On your marks, get set... cook!
<CHOP!>
There you are.
Fantastic. Well, thank you to our chef, Paisley Cheverolet and our contestant, Fuzzy Felt. We�ll return soon, but until we return, erm , soon, bye for now!


They say that a stitch in time saves nine, and our hilarious chef, Paisley Cheverolet, is certain to have us in stitches. Hello Paisley.
What about the nine?
Sorry?
The nine that is saved by a stitch in time, what about it?
Well, nine is German for �no�, and no-one knows more about Nazi German war propaganda than our next contestant, Professor Rustic Charm.
Heil Hi!...erm Hi. I mean.
Rustic. You�re the worlds foremost expert on Nazi German War propaganda- is that right?
Ja.aayes.
So, what building block ingredients have you brought for Paisley to build a palace of food out of.
I didn�t bring any building blocks?
What ingredients did you bring?
Oh, I brought some old metal keys that were found in the desk drawer of herr Himmler, the beak of an emu, believed to be the mascot of the Hitler youth, assorted swastikas, a plasticine model of Goering that I made... I�m really quite proud of, and a courgette.
Gosh! So, Paisley, keep us in suspense no longer- what�s it to be?
Nothing- I simply don�t have the time for this.
Me neither.
Well, that�s all the excitement for now, but there�ll be more when we return next. Until then, byeeeee!


They say every cloud has a silver lining. And our silver lining is our celebrity chef, Paisley Cheverolet.
What about the cloud?
Sorry?
The cloud from which the silver lining comes, where is it?
Our contestant, Enamel Bath!
Hey!
So, Enamel, what ingredients have you brought for Paisley to tinker with?
Are you calling me the cloud of this show?
Well, maybe a bit.
You can�t call me that!
Why the hell not?
Now you�re just being downright rude!
Piss off then if you don�t like it!
Look- you
Are you going of not?! SOD OFF will you!
<noise as storms off>
God! He was SO rude! Let�s see what he brought along anyway. A three by four foot patch of turf, a Mr Potato Head, a coal bucket and a sack of carrots. Paisley, what culinary rabbit will you pull out of the magic hat of your cooking skills?
If it�s all the same, I think I�ll just burn the lot.
Sounds good. If you want to join us for more, then join us next time on �Won�t Cook, Won�t  Cook�, when we�ll have more.


They say absence wakes the heart grow fonder. And since I haven�t seen him for a week, it�s my pleasure to welcome again to the show, our chef, Paisley Cheverolet.
That was your worst introduction yet.
Also joining us, this weeks contestant- Water Cistern.
Hello Fern.
Now, Water, I understand that you have an amusing anecdote about a fly.
That�s right, I got a fly in my eye yesterday.
Hilarious! Now, what ingredients have you brought with you for Paisley?
Let�s see; a horseshoe, some silt from a local river, a dead fly, a staplegun and some parsley.
So, Paisley, under which letter will you file these ingredients in the filing cupboard of taste?
Eh?
What will you cook?
I thought I�d just go home, actually. I feel a little tired.
Me too, I couldn�t get to sleep- my eye was too sore after that fly.
Well, that�s all for now. If you can�t wait until the next episode of �Won�t Cook, Won�t Cook�, you�ll be in trouble because that�s when we�re next on, so I�ll see you then!


They say more haste, less speed, and that couldn�t be truer than for our resident cook, Paisley Cheverolet, who is addict of the old Billy Wizz.
Sorted. Respect due.
Our contestant, Brake Pads, isn�t a drug addict, but does have an interesting observation.
Oh, yes. Have you ever noticed how odd socks seem to go missing when you do your washing?
Hahaha! Oh yes! They do! Very clever!
But I am a heroin addict, by the way.
Oh... Well, what ingredients have you brought along?
I�ve got a piece of sandstone, a feather pillow, half an alsation, a digital watch and 2 kilos of broccoli.
Right. So, Paisley, how will you nurture the saplings of ingredients to make them grow into a mighty tree of a meal?
What�ll I cook?
Yeah.
Why didn�t you just say so?
I like using metaphors, it makes me look clever.
No it doesn�t.
Shut it you! Leave my metaphors alone! THEY�RE ALL I�VE GOT LEFT!
erm.
erm.
Erm. Today I�ll cook Broccoli pillow.
Ok. On your marks, get set...cook!
<THUD THUD> There you are. The pillow�s just for show. You can�t eat it.
Fantastic, I bet Brake is looking forward to enjoying this.
It�s rubbish! I can�t eat that! It�s just raw broccoli in a pillowcase!
Well, I suppose he does have a point.
It�s good to see everything turned out so well. Join us for more culinary capers next time on �Won�t Cook, Won�t cook�


They say it�s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. So I�m glad to introduce a man we all love, chef Paisley Cheverolet!
What? Am I fired?
No.
What do you mean loved and lost then? What about the lost bit?
Er... lost week on the show you met the cooking challenge like an expert. How will you fare against today�s contestant, Tissue Box.
Howdy doodie.
Tissue, I understand you know what nine times eight is?
Yes, Ferm, the answer is 72.
Astonishing. Let�s see how your brilliance fares in our cooking challenge. What ingredients have you brought along?
I�ve got some fingernail clippings, frogspawn, some highlighter pens, an empty ketchup bottle and some dried seaweed.
Paisley, if you dial the ingredients through your utensil switch board, which culinary number would you connect to?
Eh?
What�ll you cook?
Seaweed surprise.
Ok; on your marks, get set... cook!
<noise for about 5 secs>
Ok. Done. This is called seaweed surprise, seaweed served in a ketchup bottle.
What�s the surprise?
The added ingredients of fingernails clippings, and frogspawn, with a garnish of magic marker.
Tissue- what do you think?
Mmm... delicious.
Another triumph for Paisley. Remember this and all the recipes on �Wont Cook, Won�t Cook� can be found on our fact sheet. The next show�s recipe won�t be on the fact sheet, as we haven�t done it yet. So until then, bye for now!


They say there�s many a true word spoken in jest. So; knock knock. Who�s there? It�s our celebrity cook, Paisley Cheverolet.
You disgust me.
Also joining us, but as a contestant, is Ozone layer.
Hellooo Ferm.
Ozone, a little bird tells me you�re cheating on your wife of seventeen years.
<laughs> That�s right, Ferm, there�s a funny story behind that.
Really?
Yes, you see, I don�t feel sexually attracted to my wife anymore, so I regularly receive relief from my secretary. The funny thing is, though, that my secretary is wife�s sister!
<everyone laughs>
It�s fantastic chatting to you, Ozone. You�re great, you really are.
Thanks, but the pleasure�s all mine, Fern.
Oh you! What ingredients have you brought in darl- uh I mean, Ozone?
I�ve got a seal�s flipper, some film developing fluid...
Let me guess- you�re a Pisces, right?
Right. I�ve also got some old socks, a sweet smelling red rose- oh how did that get in there?! You hold onto that for me Fern. And finally, some sweetcorn.
Those are really great ingredients. Paisley- do something with them will you?
Oh, ok.< Pause> I call this dish sweet seal fin sock.
Ozone, I bet your wife doesn�t understand you like I do...
Ferm!
Right! Ok. Marvellous. Well join us next time blah blah blah. Do you want to come on again Ozone?
Well-
You were really good!
Um
Or alternatively, i�m not doing anything after the show and would...

They say beggars can�t be choosers, so it�s my pleasure to welcome our multi talented chef, Paisley Cheverolet!
Eh? Are you saying I�m no good?
No.
What are you talking about beggars for then?
Well, our contestant, Girl Power has been a beggar for 7 years.
That�s right.
How did you get into begging?
Well, it�s more of a calling, but is increasingly competitive, so I�d recommend getting academic qualifications first.
I see...
Big Issue miss?
No thank you. What have you brought in for Cheverolet to put a torch to and transform into a burning bonfire of food?
Um...
What ingredients have you got?
Ok, 3 potatoes, some bacon, some cheddar cheese, some radish, two chicken wings, some onions and a parsnip.
Paisley?
Look, Ferm, are you deliberately wasting my time? I can�t make a meal out of such ridiculous ingredients! I�m a cook- not a biological engineer.
You�re right. Girl Power, go away and stop wasting our time. I don�t know want you were thinking bringing in such preposterous ingredients!
Fair enough, I guess I was taking the piss a bit.
Well, join us next time on �won�t cook won�t cook� for a decent recipe.
In the meantime, I think I�ll batter something.
Aaah- don�t hit me!