Won't Cook, Won't Cook

For Seddonism FM'99 I developed a satire of the 'Ready Steady Cook'/'Can't Cook, Won't Cook' style of TV show. I wrote 10 but when I came to do them on the radio, the sketches didn't really work, and so the item was dropped. I still think they're quite funny though.

The Host, Fem Buttocks is in italics
The Chef, Paisley Cheverolet is in bold
The Contestant is in normal text.

They say beggars can�t be choosers, so it�s my pleasure to welcome our multi talented chef, Paisley Cheverolet!
Eh? Are you saying I�m no good?
No.
What are you talking about beggars for then?
Well, our contestant, Girl Power has been a beggar for 7 years.
That�s right.
How did you get into begging?
Well, it�s more of a calling, but is increasingly competitive, so I�d recommend getting academic qualifications first.
I see...
Big Issue miss?
No thank you. What have you brought in for Cheverolet to put a torch to and transform into a burning bonfire of food?
Um...
What ingredients have you got?
Ok, 3 potatoes, some bacon, some cheddar cheese, some radish, two chicken wings, some onions and a parsnip.
Paisley?
Look, Ferm, are you deliberately wasting my time? I can�t make a meal out of such ridiculous ingredients! I�m a cook- not a biological engineer.
You�re right. Girl Power, go away and stop wasting our time. I don�t know want you were thinking bringing in such preposterous ingredients!
Fair enough, I guess I was taking the piss a bit.
Well, join us next time on �won�t cook won�t cook� for a decent recipe.
In the meantime, I think I�ll batter something.
Aaah- don�t hit me!