Foreign Foolery

The year abroad is an amazing experience for almost all foreign language students.  But, as I discovered during my own year in Germany, some encounters can prove more unforgettable than others...

Private tuition gets personal
A common sideline for many students staying abroad is giving private tuition to German squirts to earn a little extra beer money.  All in all this is a simple, even enjoyable practice: Once or twice a week I would turn up at a child's house, speak English with any Thomas, Dirk or Heinrich, and correct his /her language errors.  After the hour you can expect a modest sum, cash in hand from the parents for services rendered.

The big, post menopausal mama of one particular child also took it upon herself to entertain me in true Eurotrash style.  English grammar out of the way, Frau Hermann would make her entrance in the room, and address me in a fairly authoritative tone to retake my seat.  She would then proceed to ask me all manner of questions ranging from my private life to the meaning of life.  After twenty minutes or so of this taxing interrogation I would usually have found some excuse to leave- sometimes a school meeting, sometimes a birthday - in truth I just wanted the hell out of the house.

One certain week when Frau Hermann opened the door to let me in, I was struck by the extremely unbuttoned state of her vast, now heaving blouse.  Not that I'm ageist folks; it's just some flesh is better left covered up.

The worst, however, was yet to come: I kept my cool through the lesson, but on leaving was slyly handed an envelope out of the view of said woman's son.  She whispered sternly that this was not to be opened until I got back to my place.  Of course, as soon I was out on the street I fumbled around to get it out (the letter of course).  The contents roughly entailed asking me out on a date to a town ten miles away, followed by a description of the possible evenings activities from �relaxing� in a hotel bedroom, to a �drive� in her car. I realized  this �happily� married woman was obviously in need of a certain manhandling which her husband just wasn't up for. Quite honestly I wasn't blaming the bloke either.

Needless to say that was the last of my private tuition in that house.  So kids remember: Beware the bulging blouse.

Will Jelbert.