The Fairy Liquid Sketch

Sometime in the future...

Ah Mr Shitti Saachi. Thank you for coming.
I must say I'm intrigued. Just why would Fairy, the most famous and successful washing up liquid company there is, want to hire ME, Scraattchi  Shitti Saatchi, the best PR man in the world... ever?
You see the fairy operation has all gone a little downhill. Well, it�s a little embarrassing...
Go on.
It�s just that ever since we hired that Dale Winton to do the Fairy liquid commercials it the whole brand name was arsed up. Our sales went down, people started laughing at even the very mention of �Fairy liquid�.
Were there any benefits to be had at all?
We had a slight rise from the gay market, but this didn�t even begin to make up for our other lost sales.
So have you tried anything to remedy the situation so far?
Well, we tried different product design, to try and get away from this negative image, so we made the package pink.
Right.
This didn�t help our sales, so we thought, maybe we could change the shape, so we made it longer and more tubular, and we made the top...
>Let me guess. Purple.
That�s right! Wow!
I think I can see where this is going. What next?
Well, our sales continued to fall, so we tried a couple of name changes- �Poof!�, as in  �Poof- the dirt�s gone.�
Didn�t work, did it?
No. So then we thought- the name should conjure up a happy, magical image, clean, to do with water.
And what did you come up with?
�Gay Sailor�s Special Liquid.�
And?
No sales at all. Not a single bottle was sold, despite product placement on the 'Graham Norton Show'.
So what next?
So we tried branding another  detergent product in the market.
This sounds promising. What was this?
Well, some of the most dirty laundry is bed linen and stuff.
Okay, I think I like where you're going with this...
And what is the most dirty of all? It�s the pillow isn�t it!
Oh no!
So we thought- let�s get a name that shows our product aggressively tackling this pillow grime. So we came up with the name �Dirty Pillow Biter�.
Let me guess. It failed.
Yeah, How�d you know?
Well there�s a theme running through here, where you�re accidentally marketing these products with a homosexual slant. Do you see how you�ve been doing that now?
Just a minute- Fairy, Dale Winton, a bottle shaped like a man�s winkie, Poof, Gay Sailor�s Special Liquid, Dirty Pillow Biter... its all coming together now. So Mr Satchi Scraatchi Shitti, what do you recommend.
Well, I don�t have a lot of time, but what I recommend is moving entirely away from this gay area , be very careful. We want natural looking packaging, possibly blue, a dynamic, but neutral colour and a exiting, newer sounding non controversial name, like Fairy Ultra, that kind of thing.
That sounds just the thing, thank you very much.
My pleasure. Get in touch if you have any other questions.
Smashing. Goodbye.
<DOOR SLAMS>
Futuristic name. Hmmm. Fairy Pro! Fairy Power! Fairy Special! Fairy Zap! Fairy Spunk! Yeah, Fairy Spunk, I like the sound of that. Now packaging natural. Whales? Dolphins? No, something closer to home, like a fishpond... Goldfish? Frogs? Tadpoles! That's it- Fairy Spunk with tadpole packaging. Marvellous, no gay confusion there! Now, a bit of relaxing music.
< YMCA by Village People>>

Sorry if that sketch sounds homophobic in any way.
I apologise if any offense is caused.
You pansy.
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