Mark Seddon:
Agony Uncle

Every now and then I am moved to intervene in the lives of mere mortals and help guide the unfortunate through the rough water, in this, the rapids of life.

One such case was Claire, who wrote in to Exepose, Exeter University with this letter. She expressed concern that her life was missing something. Here were my thoughts on how she might get her life back on track...

24/11/98

Dear Exepose,

I write in reply to Claire�s letter of last week, when she asked � �Need is love and love is need.� Or is it?� The Beatles put it quite well when they said �All You Need Is Love�, mind you they also said �OB-LA-DI, OB-LA-DA�, so what do they know?

I think you�re right; shelter, clothes and warmth are quite nice, and no, you�re not greedy to want something more. What I recommend is a Kinder Egg- it�s three things in a miniature treat sized package. You say �we would all like to be satisfied by consumerism, but everyone knows it doesn�t work�, and I hear you, but I�d like you to look at that advert again- and note the happy smiling innocent faces of the children as they receive their wondrous egg shaped bounty- how could they lie? You�ll love the toy, if not, you�ll savour the chocolate. Allergic? Then you�re bound to enjoy the surprise. Do you see what I�m saying- you�re a winner every time!

If you want any other suggestions, I�ll be happy to help.

Yours,
Mark Seddon

See my letter here.

My 'Kinder Egg Solution' seemed to help Claire. However, she was left with a voice that was out of sync with her lip movement, as shown in her letter here.
Once again, I felt compelled to intervene...
This letter was never published, as I was running for a guild position at the time.

Dear Exepose,

I was delighted to hear from Claire in last week�s issue that my Kinder Egg suggestion was of some help to her. I read, however that since taking up the Kinder Egg diet plan she has encountered some problems vocal-wise, vis-�-vis having a voice that sounds dubbed like the children�s� voices in the advert. Claire, I recognise, see, and indeed empathise with your problem.

After some careful thought, I have come up with a tripple edged sword of three solutions to your predicament. Firstly, you could blend seamlessly into society by pretending to be from Sweden. Secondly, you might venture into the world of TV voice-overs. Warning: you may be tempted by the lure of pornography soundtracks, but I would advise strongly against this, as all the groaning may damage your vocal chords. Lastly, you could talk less, and pout, giving yourself the air of a mysterious, yet enticing young siren, resulting in hoards of young men willing to dash themselves against the rocks of your scorn, in exchange for as little as a glance in their direction.

I recommend following the path that you feel most comfortable with, and remember, many people in society with dubbed voices lead happy and productive lives. Look for instance at the ever smiling Toby Anstis of Children�s� BBC fame.

Yours as ever,

Mark Seddon

Satisfied that I had done good, I continued with my life...