David Hasselhoff�s Online Diary

Hey there. David Hasselhoff here � you might remember me as Michael Knight in �Night Rider�, or as Mitch Buchannon in TV�s �Baywatch�. Mark approached me to write a diary update for his website every so often, and who am I to refuse this great man?
�But why me?� I asked. But I needn�t have. As a major player in the European music scene (especially in Germany- and when have millions of Germans ever been wrong?), as well as a TV and movie star of some renown, as a friend to the movers and shakers, I am in an almost unique position (if that Jennifer Lopez doesn�t get her way) to let you the MarkSeddon.com reader know what�s really going on.

Friday August 4, 2000

Whilst meeting my chum Gordon Brown for one of our regular Treasury meetings, in which I let him know my concerns about the high level of the pound, I happened to mention that people think he�s a nancy boy, as you do. As the star of TV movie �Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD� I know a thing or two about not being a wussy. When asked for my advice, and to quash all those fudge packing rumours, I suggested he get shacked up with his bit of skirt, Sarah Macaulay.  He�s all ready to book out St Pauls for the next weekend, and inform the press when I step I again and I�m all; �whoa there tiger- what the fruitpickin� message are you trying to send out here? You want this to come across as some intimate union just between you and the broad. Prince Edward fooled no-one. The more you don�t promote it- then the more people won�t think you�re doing it for the publicity. And hey- you can come across as a local lad done good if you do it at home back in Scotchland.
I even suggested the Sainsbury's champagne at �11.99. That Brown- prudent in every way. I was so sure that we�d gotten away with it. A triumph. Until Gordon tells me of the stop off at San Francisco on the way to the honeymoon.

This all influenced me to write a song:

True love it comes once in a lifetime
But sometimes you don�t live that long
So marry some old trout that you know
Pretend to the papers that you belong.

Running the country is a millstone
A marriage is a milestone
For your love I�d walk a thousand mills
That doesn�t make any sense
But love never does

Convergence criteria between two people
Is difficult to quantify
Prudence is a virtue
And I�m a miser no matter how hard I try

Let�s get married in scotchland
Take me back to where I belong
We�ll live happily ever after
And hope they never find the photo
Of me, in Brighton, in a thong.

Disclaimer:
All characters and events are fictional, and are not based on anyone, alive or dead. Any similarities are purely coincidental. A heck of a coincidence you might think- but no! Straight up! If it has any similarities, any at all then it�s a coincidence. Look, what does it take to convince you? Think of a number� I bet its not 273. I�m correct aren�t I? See � then do you now go on about that being too much of a coincidence? No, and that�s why you�re a hypocrite. It�s you who should be tutted at. Let him who is without pants cast the first stone. It�s only fair. The person without pants will probably need to run home to get a new pair. I forget my point, but I think it had something to do with me being right. It normally is.