Cheese: The Hidden Menace

In the 70�s there was LSD, but in the 80�s and 90�s mind altering drugs have become an altogether more serious problem. The world has struck down by the phenomenon of cheese.
You don�t need me to tell you the dangers of cheese,
Unless of course you don�t know about them
Well, yes, but who among us doesn�t know a small child who has chanced upon some cheese and gorged himself with it causing a potentially fatal calcium overdose. Children have adopted this underground drug into their culture, aided by a media frenzy, united under the catchphrase �it�s calci-yummy!�, whilst the older generation have been mind-addled by the hypnotic words �Philadelphia, lovely!�.
The problem is worst in inner city areas. In Streatham, South London, women have been known to sell their bodies just to get their next hit of cheese. Some have been found smelling Tramps� feet. The problem is serious.
A whole underground culture has grown, with its associated street slang. Old cheese junkies are known as blue veined, and each variety has its own name:
>Dairylea: 1/8 gramme of cheese.
>Croque Monsieur: A potentially deadly mixture of cheese and a class B drug- ham.
>Cake: A scone full of cream cheese.
>Fondue: Hot cheese taken straight.
>House: Bread with cottage cheese.
>Edam: A large quantity of cheese so potent that it is bound with secure red wax.
>Jeremy: A super powerful cocktail of cheese. Lethal in all cases, unless you are of an infinite age.
More recently a whole line of French designer goats cheeses have emerged, such as �fromage de chevre�, �chevre de fromage� and �odeur de chevre�.  If snorted these can cause hemorrhaging, which can only be stopped by large quantities of cocaine.
This cheese addiction stretches across the whole of society and the class system. The homeless rely on poorer quality supermarket own brand cheddar, with only whiskey to stop themselves from exploding, whereas the rich feast on highest quality camembert.
Cheese is endemic in clublife where hundreds of youngsters �get off� on passive cheese. The Timepiece in Exeter has cornered the market. Just listen to this. <<cheesy music>> This is not a recent phenomenon, but one which has only recently been accepted as the problem that it surely is. Just look at any Top Of The Pops footage from the 80�s.
The most disturbing aspect in all of this is that many unscrupulous dealers are openly peddling cheese on most high streets, often under cover of an eating establishment- often on an international scale.
One of the main culprits are burger joints, distributing these so called �cheese burgers� to often unsuspecting customers who become �cheesed up� on a calcium rush.
Cheese has often horrendous long term side effects, one man had to have his feet amputated because of a suspicious smell.
Leave cheese to doctors to prescribe in safe dosages. They have extensive knowledge of  its medical values, such as its uses as an anti depressant.

Written By mark Seddon with Spencer Franks
More info about Cheese.

Back to Seddonism