The Santa Claus Debate
(an adaptation of various Calvin & Hobbes comic strips)

�He sees you when you�re sleeping, he knows when you�re awake... he knows if you�ve been  bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!� -the question we�re asking today: Santa Claus: Kindly old elf, or CIA spook?
They say Santa knows if you�ve been bad or good, right?
Right.
But think of how many people there are in the world!
Oh yeah! Nobody could be watching every kid every single minute! I mean, Santa's old! He probably takes naps! The way I figure it, Santa must just take a few random checks on us once or twice a week.
That�s all?
Sure. He�d catch enough bad people that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. He�d create the impression he�s watching more than he really is!
Pretty shrewd.
Yeah, but now that I'm on to him, I�m going to do bad stuff! If I do it quick, the odds of Santa catching me at that exact moment are virtually nil!
What if someone tells on you?
Ooh, I didn�t think of that! Phooey. Well I sure hope Santa�s watching now, seeing as I�m being good.
Unwillingly good, but good nonetheless.
The Santa Claus stuff really bothers me... especially the judge and jury bit. Who appointed Santa? How do we know he�s impartial? What criteria does he use for determining good and bad? And what about extenuating circumstances? Kids should have the benefit of legal counsel, don�t you think?
You�re worried about the wibbly wobbly incident, aren�t you?
Temporary insanity! That�s all it was! Let�s say that Santa does know if you�ve been good or bad, but what if someone had been sort of both? I mean, suppose some kid tried to be good... At least, well, most of the time... but bad things inexplicably kept happening? Suppose some kid just had terrible luck, and he got blamed for a lot of things he only sort of did on purpose?
Who exactly might we be talking about?
This is a purely hypothetical case, Mr Smartypants. Just how does Santa determine a kids goodliness anyhow? For example how exactly does he weigh motives? Does he consider the kids natural predisposition? Do good deeds motivated by the pureness of heart of some sweet tempered kid weigh equally with someone being good when one has an innate inclination towards evil.
You�re clutching at straws now, really.
Maybe so, but I don�t think Santa�s such a great role model anyway - look at how he runs his operation. How can he afford to give toys away? How does he pay for the raw materials he uses to make the toys? How does he pay his elves? There�s no income to cover his costs. How does he do it?
Deficit spending perhaps?
Sure, but sooner or later it�s going to catch up to him, and then where will I be?
Actually, I think you�re onto something here. Why is Santa Claus� operation located at the north pole?
I�m guessing cheap elf labour, lower environmental standards, and tax breaks. Is this really the example to be set for impressionable kids?
Yeah, he doesn't even get all stuff you ask for- that�s the problem with this guy. He�s gotten sloppy without any competition.
I mean, last year I asked for a keg of beer, but instead I got a pair of socks. He must have mixed up my order with someone else�s. Just because he gives stuff away free, he thinks he can get away with an incompetent organisation.
It�s the same with me! Every year I write a list for Santa of what I want for Christmas and every year he callously ignores it bringing me practical things I don�t want at all. What�s the deal?! Is he insane? Has he gone senile? Can�t he read? Or is he just a vindictive, twisted elf bent on destroying little kids dreams?!?
My conclusion is that his secretarial staff must be a bunch of underpaid and woefully unprepared temps, and your letters were misfiled.
This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn�t make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery? If the guy exists, why doesn�t he ever show himself and prove it? And if he doesn�t exist, what�s the meaning of all this Christmas stuff?
I dunno... Isn�t it a religious holiday?
Yeah, but actually, I�ve got the same questions about God.
But, hey, maybe he doesn�t exist?
What if there is no Santa Claus? You know, when I think about it, a lot off this Santa stuff is hard to believe. The flying reindeer, going around the world in one night, the whole chimney bit... what if it�s all some cruel hoax and I'm being good for nothing?
You�ve always been good for nothing!
I know someone who�ll be getting some coal in his stocking this year, buster.
Yikes! I guess I'd better do a good deed to make up... Nah!
Gosh, though, what if I don�t get any presents this year because I doubted the existence of Santa? Suppose he�s putting my name on the �bad� list right now! That would be awful!
Personally, I�d think that if you weren�t on the �bad� list all along, this wouldn�t push you over.
Thanks for the comfort, eggnog brain.
See? See why you�re on the �bad� list? Insults!
Well, I�ve decided I do believe in Santa Claus, no matter how preposterous it sounds.
What convinced you?
A simple risk analysis. I want presents. Lots of presents. Why risk not getting them over a matter of belief? Heck, I�ll believe anything they want.
How cynically enterprising of you.
It�s the spirit of Christmas.