TV Religion
(an adaptation of various Calvin & Hobbes comic strips)

With me today is Mr Terry Vision. You made up that name didn�t you?
I never!
Anyway, you�re here because you have devoted your entire life to the worship of the television, actually making a religion of your own.
Indeed.
Why television? What's wrong with the real world?
Well the real world is just so dull and depressing. Here the colours are less intense and the people are uglier. Several minutes go by without a single car chase, explosion or murder
But what about having some real experiences of your own?
I don�t like real experience. It�s too hard to figure out! You never know what�s going on! You don�t have any control over events! I prefer to have life filtered through television. That way you know events have been packaged for your convenience! I like a narrative imposed on life, so everything logically proceeds to a tidy conclusion. And if you don�t like what's happening, �click�, you change the channel and there�s something different! That�s how real life should be.
But real life simply isn�t like that!
Well, I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life�s problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene should be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high flying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don�t you think?
Not really, no. But ahah! What about adverts? They�re just junk aren�t they?
No, you�re wrong. Nowadays, ads don�t just sell a product. They sell an attitude! Look at this one! Here�s a cool guy saying nobody tells him what to do. He does whatever he wants and he buys this product as a reflection of that independence.
So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individually through conformity in brand-name selection?
Well, it sounded more defiant the way he said it.
Mm.
Here�s another ad with attitude. This guy didn�t like his job, so he quit, and now he climbs rocks! See, he�s his own man! He grabs life by the throat and lives on his own terms!
If he quit his job I wonder how he affords those expensive athletic shoes he�s advertising.
Maybe his mum bought them for him.
I hope she�ll pay his medical bills when he falls off that rock.
You�re missing the point. Besides, on tv if you�re brave and with dashing good looks, you cant be hurt. But, ads are so much more than simply the message. Look at these tv commercials. each one is a jumble of lightning quick , unrelated images and film techniques. It duplicates the effect of rapidly flipping through channels. Its a barrage of non-linear free association.
I guess they're admitting that a 15 second commercial exceeds the attention span of the tv audience by 14 seconds.
Huh? Are you still talking about that?
What about all the violence on the tv then, how can you justify that?
Popular culture isn't to blame for selling twisted values. Movies, records and TV shows reflect the reality of our times. Artists depict hatred and violence because that's what they see.
Why don't they see things of beauty and value?
Because boring stuff doesn't sell.
Such vision and integrity.
There�s nothing like a good gunfight to lift the spirit.
But all this must cause violence.
Hmm... graphic violence on tv. Does it glamorise violence? Sure. Does it desensitise us to violence? Of course. Does it help us tolerate violence? You bet. Does it stunt our empathy for our fellow human beings? Heck yes. Does it cause violence? ... Well, that�s hard to prove. The trick is to ask the right question.
I can see there's no point trying to argue with you. Tell me, then how you try to make watching television a spiritual experience.
I try to make television watching a complete forfiture of effort, I'll show you. Notice how I keep my jaw slack, so my mouth hangs open . I try not to swallow either, so I drool, and I keep my eyes half focused so I don't use any muscles at all. I take a passive entertainment and extend the passivity to my entire being. I wallow in my lack of participation and response. I�m utterly inert. I can almost feel my neural transmitters shutting down.
Yes...
After a few hours I�m so overstimulated I can�t sit still or even think straight
Sort of a transcendental experience, huh?
Yeah. I achieve a lower consciousness.
And I believe you even have prayers...
Yes, here�s a simple one. Oh great altar of passive entertainment... bestow unto me thy discordant images at such a speed as to render linear thought impossible!
Terry, thank you for your time.
You�re lucky, I had to miss a whole bunch of good shows to be here. I�ll leave you with our communion: Oh, greatest of mass media, thank you for elevating emotion, reducing thought and stifling imagination. Thank you for the artificiality of quick solutions and for the insidious manipulation of human desires for commercial purposes. This bowl of lukewarm tapioca represents my brain. I offer it in humble sacrifice. Bestow thy flickering light forever.