The Alien Invasion
SCENE ONE (to some kind of space music)
Leader of the Aliens: Captain�s log; star date 5 billion 1 thousand and 21. I am the leader of an invading alien force from the planet Uranus. Our mission is to take over a small blue green planet which orbits a yellow sun. We will ask for it peacefully, but of course we must use deadly force if the humans do not hand it over. Ensign, send a message to the humans to ask for their planet, casual like.
Alien: I�ll do that now, sir.
Leader: Good work ensign.
Alien: You know, sir, it�s at times like this that I really miss Uranus.
Leader: Ensign, this is not the time or place for that kind of behaviour.
Alien: Sorry, sir.
SCENE TWO (to American Anthem)
President: Ah , Mr Pentagon Person, have you got my fish fingers?
Pentagon: No sir, I�ve something more important than that -
Pres: More important than fish fingers!?
Pent: Yes sir.
Pres: Good God, man, what is it?
Pent: Mr President at oh five hundred hours we received a message from outer space as follows: � Hello , we are invaders from another planet, and if it�s not too much trouble could you go commit suicide somewhere, before we move in. Or if you prefer we could destroy you pathetic puny humans like the vermin you are. Yours Faithfully, the Alien Invaders�.
Pres: Is this true?!
Pent: Yes sir, our sensors in space have detected a giant object moving slowly through space and it�s coming towards us. It�s quite a strange shape really.
Pres: How?
Pent: It�s in the shape of a giant winkie, sir.
Pres: Is that important?
Pent: No, just funny.
Pres: Couldn�t we send a message back to them saying we don�t want to give up our planet.
Pent: I don�t believe that they care what we think.
Pres: Do we have any nuclear weapons to shoot at them?
Pent: You disarmed all the nuclear weapons , remember. That was your idea. I said that you shouldn�t do it but nooooo! You wanted to set an example to all the other countries.
Pres: I just wanted peace.
Pent: Peace now is it you vain man!
Pres: >sigh< Do we have anyone that knows stuff about aliens?
Pent: Well there is Mully and Sculder...
SCENE THREE (to X-Files music)
Mully: See, I told you, Sculder. Aliens are real!
Sculder: No they�re not! It�s all just an illusion, Mully.
Mully: You cynical old bitch! You�ve never believed in aliens, but you�ve got to come up with a better excuse than that.
Sculder: OK. Its just your imagination running wild.
Mully: Look up in the sky then!
Sculder: My God! A massive alien space craft! But it�s still a figment of my imagination. Wow, I've got such a good imagination!
Mully: What! You still deny that aliens exist even though they have a giant 4 mile long ship floating in the sky!
Sculder: er... mass hypnosis then ... er yeah, that's it!
Mully: Ah! So you admit hypnosis exists!
Sculder: Pah! They�re holograms then.
Mully: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Sculder: See- you�re mentally imbalanced.
Mully: It�s you who�s a bloody loony!
Sculder: Look, I'll prove my theory.
Mully: How?
Sculder: Simply close your eyes... and hey presto! The ships have disappeared and the alien invasion is averted! Another success for Mully and Sculder!
Mully: er... Sculder... I cant see anything.
SCENE FOUR (needs phone FX if pos)
Pent: No. On second thought, that is a silly idea. Lets not get them in.
Pres: Is there any one else?
Pent: There is the X-men.
Pres: Call Them then...
<Ringing noise>
Voice: Hello?
Pent: Hello is that the X-men?
Voice: Yes.
Pent: We have a problem with aliens invading the earth. Could you help?
Voice: No sorry we can�t help.
Pent: Why?
Voice: We don�t do aliens.
Pent: Why not?
Voice: We only do evil rampaging Mutants, Sorry.
Pent: Oh..right ...Bye
>Click>.
Pent: They aren't any good.
Pres: Oh dear...we�re buggered aren't we?
Pent: err ..yes.
Pres: Is there anyone else?
Pent: One other person. Well not really a person, its a huge ape like...
Pres: That's just daft!
Pent: I Know of a bloke in Gotham who dresses up like a bat at night...
Pres: Shut up- your ideas are pathetic. I�m the president so I�m going to come up with a brilliant idea. Gather as many people as you can and get on the line to the biggest condom factory in the states. Tell them to make a giant condom that can stand a powerful laser blast stronger than an A bomb.
Pent: What?
Pres: Just do it. Today will be remembered as the day humanity gathered together making a giant condom in a final stand against the alien threat. Today will be remembered as our Independence Day!
Pent: But it�s Christmas sir!
Pres: Whatever!
SCENE FIVE
Pent(in Scotty accent): Sir they say they haven�t got de power ,.De engines canny take it
Pres: God damn it its my arse on the line so pull your fingers out.
Pent: Ok. We�re ready to fire the condom sir
Pres: Fire on my command 3.....2.....1......fire
Pent: Launch successful sir. Wait... It looks like the condom is on the ship. The alien ship is covered by the condom. They�re turning around. We�ve won!
Pres: Hurrah! We are victorious. The people of earth will remember this day, Christmas day will always be remembered in memory of me!
Pent: Uh , Mr President , someone else is worshipped at Christmas.
Pres: Ah, who's that?
Pent: Santa Claus, I think.
Scene Six
Leader: Curses! They�ve trapped us! We would have gotten away with it too if it wasn�t for those darned birth control people!
Ensign: But what should we do now?
Leader: The only thing left for us to do!
Ensign: What's that?
Leader: Retreat of course! But we will return and we will crush the puny earthlings , mark my words on that!
Ensign: What - you want me the write it down?
Leader: Never mind... You feeble minded fool!
Ensign: Can I go back to Uranus then?
Leader: Oh you dirty minded little boy!
Ensign: I meant when are we going home?
Leader: Oh . I knew that.
Written by Mark Seddon and Peter Seddon, with assistance from Tom Baker (no, not Dr Who, a different one). Based on an initial idea byPeter Seddon.
Return to Seddonism
How this script came about:
My brother was give an assignment at school to come up with a radio play. I read it, and saw that there were quite a few funny ideas, so we tweaked the script and I ended up performing it on my show. Which was nice.