Title: Help Me
Author: Secret Art
E-mail: [email protected]
Date: 22nd August 2004
Category: angst, character death
Pairings: Sam/Jack
Spoilers: none
Summary: Sam is devestated by a loss
Feedback: can only make me better
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.
Author’s note:Stuck in an angst rut.
I walk down the corridors, barely able to hide the tears pooling in my eyes.
I can’t believe he’s gone, dead, not here any more. You’d think that after all this time, after loosing Daniel so many times, and Janet, that it would be easier, less painful, but it’s not. He’s gone, and now I’m never going to get the chance to tell him how much I love him, see us finally get together, get married, have children. I never got to tell him how I feel, and I never got to hear him say that he loved me. I hope he did, I know he did, I could see it in his eyes everytime he looked at me, could see it in how he treated me, protected me, looked after me.
None of them understand, with their apologetic eyes, pitiful expressions of grief. To them he was just a man, an air force officer, but to me, to me he was so much more, he was everything. He was the reason I got up in the morning, the only way I could survive some of things we have seen, we have experienced. He would pull me into a hug, say something, or just look at me and I would know everything would be all right.
But now if I look into his eyes all I’ll see is emptiness, death, no hope, no love, no nothing. He’s gone and nothing I do, nothing anyone can do will bring him back. I know he would want me to go on, to continue, to make sure that his death was not in vain, but I don’t know how. They were his beliefs, his rules of life, and now he’s dead, so I guess they weren’t exactly flawless. I believed those rules, trusted them, as I believed in him, trusted him, but where has that got us, he’s dead and I feel like part of me died with him.
I’m going to have to make my own rules for life now, but I don’t know where to start. He’s been the object, the person my life has revolved around for over seven years now, and I don’t know how to live without that. Without his stupid jokes, his smile, his smell. The knowledge that if I’m in trouble he won’t rest until I’m safe, that he is protecting, and probably staring at, my six no matter what.
I’m scared Jack, scared of not being able to move on, of being stuck like this, barely surviving, feeling like I left most of me with your cold body. But I’m more scared that I will move on, that I’ll keep going, find someone else, build a life with them, forget about you. I want to remember, all the good times, the joy, the love, the tears. But I don’t know how to do that without remembering the pain, seeing you die, knowing that it’s permanent.
At times like these, you’d come into my lab, where I’d be trying to work, unable to see what I was doing through the tears, and you’d pull me into a hug, whisper into my ear that everything would be all right, and I’d believe you, I’d know that as long as you were there to help me I’d be ok. But now your not here, the one person I need most in the world is the one person that can’t help me, that will never be able to help me again.
Help me Jack, what do I do?
Fin