Title: Cracks on the Surface
Author: Secret Art
E-mail: [email protected]
Date: 15th August 2004
Category: Angst, angst and more angst
Pairings: Sam/Jack
Spoilers: Beneath the surface
Summary: Sam and Jack have a hard time dealing after the events of Beneath the Surface
Feedback: can only make me better
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.
Author’s note: I read somewhere that the original draft of Beneath the Surface had Sam and Jack as lovers so this is what this story assumes. It deals with the subject of abortion so if that will affect you please don’t read this.
Sam knocked on the door, waiting for a response before walking in.
“Hi Janet.”
“Sam, hi, take a seat, I just need to finish reading this report.”
“Sure.”
Sitting down, Sam watched as her friend read the report, marking points of interest with a pencil before finally placing it on the desk in front of her.
“So, how’s it going?”
“Most of my memory has returned, reading those mission reports really helped, that was a good idea. But there are still a few gaps, some of the more recent missions, and a few of the earlier missions seem familiar, but I can’t match images with names.”
Janet nodded her head approvingly before fishing through a pile and pulling out a file.
“I had your test results back, everything’s fine but there is something.”
Sam looked at her in confusion. “If there is something then everything can’t be fine.”
“You're pregnant.”
Sam just looked at her in shock, her mouth opening and closing, struggling to find the words. “Oh my, but how? No, I know how, what am I going to do?”
“I don’t have to tell anyone yet. You’ve still got a few weeks of medical leave let before you return to work, to ensure your memory has returned in full. I want you to take your time to think about it, work out what you are going to do.”
-------------------------------------
Walking down the corridors of the SGC, her mind whirred. She knew that Janet would keep it a secret, at least for now, as the General didn’t need to know until she was back on duty, and she couldn’t tell anyone else without Sam’s permission.
Driving home, she remembered one of the few conversations she had had with her mother about her as a child. One sentence bounced around her head, something her mother had said every time.
“Finding out I was pregnant, with you and Mark, were two of the happiest days of my life, I spent the whole time floating on a cloud.”
She laughed harshly, wiping away at the tears that had started to fall. It definitely didn’t feel like one of the happiest days of her life. She felt more like she was drowning, and the one person that could save her was the one person she couldn’t be near.
She hadn’t seen him since they got back from the planet, the memories too raw. The joy of being together, both somehow knowing that there was a reason they were not supposed to be in a relationship, yet unable to remember what, they had both put it down to fear.
She had seen his face when she had called “Sir,” as both of them realised that they could never do anything like it again.
After being checked out in the infirmary, General Hammond had called them in for a quick debriefing, but the Colonel hadn’t shown up.
Teal’c had explained the basics, General Hammond giving them time off to get their memories completely back before a full debrief would take place.
She had left straight after, concerned about where he was but more concerned about what would happen if she found him.
Reaching her house she dragged herself into her bedroom, collapsing into her bed, curling up, silently crying.
--------------------------------------------
Daniel slowly walked down the driveway, unsure of what he was doing.
He had seen Sam the day before, walking from the infirmary, totally oblivious to everyone around her.
He had been to see Janet, who had refused to tell him anything so he had decided to ask her personally.
He knocked on the door, hearing movement behind it.
“Sam please, let me in.”
He gasped as the door opened to reveal Sam, red eyed, in the clothes she ha been wearing the day before.
“Sam? What happened?”
She smiled sadly at him, walking back down to her kitchen, leaving him to close the door and follow.
He found her leaning against the sink, the tap running. “Sam please, tell me what’s going on.”
She switched the tap off, turning to face him, her eyes unreadable.
“I keep getting bits of my memory back. And some I wish I didn’t, they just hit you,” she lied, looking him straight in the eyes, checking to see if he believed her.
“I know what you mean. I had a few memories of my parents and I couldn’t work out why there were so few. And then the memory of what happened just hit me in the middle of a shop. I freaked out, ended up running back to my car and crying for half an hour in the car park.”
She moved over, hugging him, feeling bad for lying to him, yet knowing that she couldn’t tell him the truth.
“You going to be ok?” He asked, unsure of exactly what to do.
“Yeah, it’s just odd, part of me still feels like Thera, and that these memories aren’t mine.”
He laughed. “It was easier there wasn’t it. Everything was so much simpler, feels like a different life, a dream almost.”
“Shame we had to wake up.” She paused, looking out the window. “Maybe that’s my problem, I still feel like I’m half asleep.”
He smiled slightly. “Give it a bit of time, by the time we get back to work it will feel like it never happened.”
“What will?” She joked, his words bothering her slightly.
He smiled at her, knowing her well enough to know that she needed some time alone, she looked like she was forcing her mind not to wander so that she could concentrate on him.
“Well I should get going, give you some time alone.”
She nodded. “I appreciate that you came to see me.”
They hugged and he let himself out, leaving her lost in thought.
She had realised that she would never be able to move on as she was, the pregnancy would complicate everything, she knew that they had been under alien influence, but she’d have to give up her job, or Jack would, but both of them were needed to protect Earth.
She wiped away the tears that were falling, knowing that she only had one option.
Drying her hands on her pants, she picked up the phone, calling Janet.
“Hello?”
“Hey Janet. I was just wondering if it would be ok for me to go away for a few days, a sort of holiday.”
“Yeah, ok. But if anything, and I mean anything seems off, or you experience any side effects I want you to contact me immediately.”
“Ok, sure.”
“Oh, Sam. How long do you think you’ll be away for?”
“Hopefully I’ll be back by the end of the week.”
“Ok, well I’d like you to come and see me when you get back, just for a check up.”
“Sure. Bye”
“Bye.”
Janet looked at the phone, concerned for her friend, she had sounded distant, barely aware of what she was doing, a holiday would probably do her good.
Daniel had been to see Jack, who apparently was dealing, but wanted to be alone, but Janet wasn’t too worried, that was his way, however she would get him for a check up when he returned just to be sure.
---------------------------
A week and a half later and Janet had had no contact with Sam at all.
Deciding to try and find her, Janet headed over to her house, hoping to find Sam, or at least, some clue as to where she went.
Opening the door, she found that all the curtains had been closed, the lights off. Janet called into the darkness. “Sam?”
She paused, finally hearing a sob coming from the bedroom.
Opening the door slowly she found the room lit by a single bedside lamp, Sam huddled in the corner, rocking gently.
Janet moved over, kneeling in front of her. “Sam honey, what’s wrong?”
Sam raised her head slowly, silent tears pouring down her cheeks, her expression firm and unwavering. “I decided.”
“Decided what?”
She paused, lost in memory, before shaking herself back. “That my job is more important. I know someone, they helped me sort it all out, you can’t tell anyone Janet, ever, please.”
Janet looked at her friend in horror, raising herself to her feet and stepping away. “You had a termination. Why? Why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped.”
Sam jumped to her feet, her eyes pleading. “because then they would have known, someone would have told and everyone would know. No one knew me there, what I did, it didn’t matter, there was less chance of anyone from the base finding out.”
Janet sighed, wanting to be upset but understanding perfectly the reasons behind her friend’s decision. “Did you make the right decision?”
Sam smiled sadly. “Deep down yes, I think I did, it would never have worked out. But at the moment all I can think about is the fact that I don’t know if I will ever get the chance to be a mother again, or if I've blown my only chance. I guess I’m someone who has actually sacrificed her potential first born for her job.”
She started sobbing again, Janet moving to hold her, support her, knowing that Sam would have to live with her choice for the rest of her life.
-------------------------------------------
Later, once Sam had calmed down, Janet had them both sat on her bed, cups of coffee in hand.
“Janet, I need you to promise me that you won’t tell the team or anyone for that matter unless you have to.”
“Don’t you think he at least should know?”
She shock her head. “It would break his heart, knowing he’s lost another child.”
Janet looked down at her hands, not sure she was willing to shoulder the burden, but knowing that she would anyway. “I promise not to bring the subject up, unless it directly affects your health, but if anyone asks me, and it is relevant, then I will tell them.”
Sam smiled at her friend, knowing that with her help, she would make it through. “So, what are you and Cassie up to this weekend?”
“Well, we were going for a girly day trip, Cassie told me off for not spending enough time with ‘my favourite not so little girl’ as she put it, not sure where though, you can come if you want.”
She looked at her hands, “I might pass, you two have fun though.”
Janet suddenly realised what she had said. “Oh Sam, I’m sorry. Look I’m sure Cassie will understand if you don’t want to come over.”
“No, the sooner I get back into the swing of things the better. I can’t avoid Cassie forever, even if she will remind of what I could have had, it wouldn’t be fair on her.”
Janet hugged her friend, amazed at her strength, knowing that if she had been through the same she would have been a complete mess.
“Are you sure you’re ok.”
Sam smiled. “Yes, but if you keep asking me that you might not be.”
Janet pretended to look scared, before her face became serious again. “It’s going to be hard though, especially when you go back and have to work with him.”
“I know, it’ll be weird at first, but we’ll get over it, we always do.”
Janet grinned. “One step at a time.”
She nodded. “One step at a time. Now, shall we go have a girly day out?”
“Let me think, excessive amounts of shopping, drooling over fit men and eating rubbish, yeah, ok.”
They laughed, linking arms and skipping out of the house, locking the event into the back of their minds, focusing only on what was ahead.