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This is a small segment from an article I wrote for GQ:

The worst ever time to get into Ozzy was 1986, the year I got into Ozzy. This was the year he hitched an ill-considered ride on the Motley/Poison glam rock bandwagon, with his quasi-concept album about the Cold War: The Ultimate Sin. This didn’t work for two reasons; first, Ozzy was pretty fat in 1986, so a fat glam Ozzy was unconvincing to say the least. Second, the record featured a track called ‘Thank God for the Bomb’, whose chorus of “Nuke ya! Nuke ya!” undermined Ozzy’s otherwise laudable attempts to confront the complexities of mutually assured destruction. My first ever gig was Ozzy touring this album, at Metal’s High Temple, Hammersmith Odeon. Ozzy came out sporting a spangly quilted dressing gown and emptied bucket after bucket of water over the front couple of rows while hitting the occasional correct note, and swearing. A much taller metalhead stood directly in front of me, so I couldn’t see much of this; all I could see was the be-caped keyboardist, who went on to play a lengthy unaccompanied solo. Unfortunately the album that followed The Ultimate Sin – 1988’s No Rest for the Wicked - was even worse; but by then, thank God, we had Guns n’ Roses. The moral of this story? The first six Black Sabbath albums are fucking fantastic.

Here is the first bit of an article I wrote for the Observer Music Monthly Magazine:

Convincing Criteria for Heavy Metal Authenticity by Seb Hunter

1. All band members must have long hair. Obviously.

Good: Iron Maiden (Dickinson era #1). Even better, with moustaches: Black Sabbath (drug-droopy), Manowar (Viking), Venom (Geordie accidental), early Rush (meteorological necessity).

Bad: Cheap Trick (drummer with ‘fat office worker’ gimmick), Saxon (ill-disguised bald guitarist), Queen beyond 1980, Iron Maiden (Dickinson era #2), later Rush (smugly shorn), 90s Metallica (unsuccessful ‘Miami Vice meets Tarantino’ look).

The Darkness: Iffy. It’s all too short, except Justin’s, which is fine, though receding.

2. You must have a fucking flash lead guitarist. Like, hello.

Good: Eddie (Van Halen), Jimmy Page (Led Zeppelin), Kirk Hammett (Metallica), pretty much everybody.

Bad: Mick Mars (Motley Crue), CC DeVille (Poison), Mantas (Venom), Ace Frehley (Kiss). Ace got away with it though, because he was the coolest.

The Darkness: Yeah he’s just about OK, but it’s a bit weird that he’s frontman as well as lead guitarist. You should share it out a little more.

3. You must wear denim and leather, and not too much spandex, though you can wear some.

Good: Saxon (the classic), Armoured Saint (aptly attired), Status Quo (pre In The Army Now), Dumpy’s Rusty Nuts.

Bad: Scorpions (too much spandex), Queensryche (capes), Yes (capes), Manowar (furry loincloths).

The Darkness: Spandex catsuits are too arch, but the other guys are OK.

4. You must have a debilitating heroin habit. Or at bare minimum - severe alcoholism.

Good: Black Sabbath (booze and drugs), Aerosmith pre 1986 (drugs and booze), Motley Crue (drugs, booze, domestic violence), Guns ‘n’ Roses (drugs, booze, intra-band violence, stupidity), Megadeth (heroin and sneering).

Bad: Stryper (Christians).

The Darkness: Too early to tell, though Justin is often pictured with a Jack Daniels bottle, which is sensible.

...to see the rest, check out the magazine...