Let's go back to the summer prior...
Personally (what's the plural of personally?), McCue and Equinox were so distraught about the end of The OC and the overall lack of teen programming, they were about to go back to their elaborate shadow-puppet productions of '90s Broadway Shows... Equinox had already cut out the dead little chimp for Sunset Boulevard, the agreed-upon opener for this two-man festival of shame.
Then, in mid-September, Equinox and McCue downloaded the free GG pilot for their Jet Blue flight back from the Rufus Doe Judy Hollywood Bowl Concert... expecting the worst... but hoping for just a touch of that signature Schwartz brilliance. Truth be told... they were wildly disappointed and simply tuned out. The pilot, ladies and germs, was not a gem.
And then the rumors started... and the cover of New York Magazine... and then McCue and Equinox got hooked... bad... we're talking multi-episodes a day... catching up way too fast. Now that we're through the season...let's address some of those questions from the TV HOMEPAGE...
Malice is usually the best way to discover whether one will burn in the fiery pits of hell or whether one is misguided, confused, "acting out." And this scarf-wrapped fop seems to be dripping with a thick ooze of self-guided maliciousness -- sometimes for gain, sometimes just for the hell of it.
Perhaps it's just the fact that the wizards at CW casting delivered a boy with a demonic face. He looks like the son of Satan in tasteful sportswear -- Damien all-growns-up. So perhaps we need to table Chuck's outward appearance and take a look at his deeds. Let's look at the character arc, shall we?
He sleeps with his best-friend's girlfriend on the night she accompanies him to the burlesque he's hoping to buy-into, aspiring to prove to his father that he is a serious upstanding individual -- as most teen-owners of high-end strip-joints tend to be. And we, the faithful viewer, are somehow supposed to be transported to Chuck's side. This one night in the back of a stretch Lincoln where he may have actually felt an emotion for another person is supposed to transform him from Spader to McCarthy with a single -- well, discretion prohibits adding a noun.
But I say, no, America. Bass hasn't won me yet.
He nails hostesses two at a time. He hits on everything. He tried to rape a girl in the pilot. And amazingly, this glimmer of sympathy is supposed to wash it all away. Oh, he has a heart! Oh, I didn't realize! That changes everything! Right?
No, I'm sorry it doesn't.
Chuck Bass = Jackass. Xoxo... fin.
Equinox and McCue both consider themselves well-educated gents. They went to top-notch schools here in the states and even did their time abroad. But perhaps most apt in the world of Gossip Girl --- they were upper east side high schoolers. No, they weren't in some jerky pay all preperatory masterpiece. But they did mix among them. And they know what's up.
Then why, you might ask, do they find themselves in fits and throes everytime they see Leighton Meester's name in the credits. They are hard-pressed not to start yelling something along the "MEESTER! HEY, MEESTER!" lines. Usually this will somehow incorporate DePalma's UNTOUCHABLES, making it "HEY, MEESTER! YOU FORGOT YOUR BREEEFCASE!"
There was brief concern that Equinox and McCue -- or Eke and Mick, their Gossip Girl handles during that television hour -- were being socially insensitive. Then they realized their accents were more based on old Hollywood... just some girl running through the streets of Casablanca. Who knows her country of origin? Thus, Eke and Mick couldn't possibly be insensitive -- no one knows (specifically) who they're insulting! (breeef)case closed!
Back to Blair...
Now Blair is the kind of heir apparent to it all. The kind of "you left town, I swooped in, why the f are you back," chica who graces so many pieces of intelligence based literature. If only you kids watched Dangerous Liasons... Oh! You have Cruel Intentions... we all know what I'm talking about, then. Phew!
All right, Serena slept with your boy. But you are a complete bitch, Blair. While you did maintain your virginity for about 10 additional weeks, the truth is it wasn't too hard to plunder your carnal treasure. And of course you gave it up in a compromised setting and in a fashion that would break hearts -- even Chuck's, for heaven's sake.
And then they went for our sympathy.
You're a binge eating bulimic.
True, you don't play it with the Emmy winning grace of Meredith Baxter Birney Baxter... But it was a nice try, on Schwartz' part, to win us over. Oh, yeah... her dad is Lex Luthor from Lois and Clark and he split with some male model her Katie Holmes from the future mom happened to be working with. Now Blair eats whole cakes. Isn't it horrible? Doesn't it justify her social-assassin bitch-styles?
Listen, Blair... I eat cakes all the time. And you know what? I don't cry after. I have a glass of milk. I go for a jog. And I date people I love.
Maybe it's time to step away from the Entenmann's aisle, head to a mirror, and make a ... CHANGE! NA NA NA NA NA NA - na-ha... Gonna make change... and it's gonna feel GOOD! CHAMON! MAKE A CHANGE...
Blair... we don't cair. Xoxo... fin.
You'll be swell! You'll be great! Gonna have the whole world 'cause you're Nate! Startin' here! Startin' now! EVERYTHING'S COMIN' UP CRAWFORD! (All right, Archibald didn't fit... we know what I'm saying.)
We all remember that OC boy from Chino... who Schwartz more or less forgot. He just kind of lagged in the background, couldn't hack it against Adam Brody, and became weirdly involved in the Kerry campaign. But you, Nate Archibald/Chace (with a "c") Crawford, you're winning all the hearts that emo comic geek snatched on Fox.
Look out, Dan Humphrey. Just 'cause you're a virgin with hoods sewn into his clothing doesn't mean you've won the race.
Now, listen, Nate... You've got a screwed up Dad, an iceblock Mom. You're dumb, but you've got a heart. You seem to have sex by accident. But it comes from the heart, damn it! You're Dylan McKay without all the bullshit and the bungalow. And look at you now, slumming it in Brooklyn with that third-rate c-story charactress. And guess what, pal, you're holding your own!
You go ahead and make your mistakes. Because you know what? They're mistakes! You don't mean it! Your dad's drugged up and Blair's a jerk! And you are so stupid, you trust Chuck! You could kill a man next season and I would look the other way. So do it, Nate! Kill! I'm asking you to commit murder! Then just look up, confused, loosen your tie, leave your hair be, and get upset. We'll side with you!
And it will make for a serious sweep's week. Xoxo... fin.
What Schwartz does so well is get the parents of these shows involved. Sure, in the greatest moment in television history, Dylan's dad exploded. Yeah, Dawson's dad had a car accident and died when he had an ice cream cone mishap while singing "Gimme the Beat Boys." And of course Maggie Drummond was real upset when those psychos abducted Sam back on "Diff'rent Strokes." But who really cared? I mean, yeah, Graham was gonna have that affair with Halle Lowenthal on "My So-Called" and that was pretty upsetting... but way down the pike of priorities.
Schwartz gets it right out there. Equal import, y'all.
And one of these upper-generation people whom I simply fell in love with was The OC's Kirsten "Kiki" Cohen. She put up with a hell of a lot of crap. An idyllic husband, a loser son, a kid from Chino, a mystery half-sister, her dad married her best friend... and let's not forget he later dropped dead to the smooth stylings of Coldplay.
And then Schwartz cranked-up the Chardonay intake. Suddenly Kiki was shakey. She knocked some crap over at her father's memorial. She was upset. And for some reason, the show decided to play it off as if Kiki were the mutant daughter of Elizabeth Taylor and Kitty Dukakis.
They tossed her into rehab. Girl, Interrupted her, for Christ's sake. And I, as a Kiki loyalist, found this to be an utter betrayal.
Now we've got Lily Van der Woodsen. Made her mistakes in the past. Clearly had a wild youth. Slept with Mr. Humphrey during his Toad the Wet Sprocket meets Gin Blossom days. And now she is basically dating Caleb's look alike... Chuck Bass' Dad.
Will Schwartz tank her, too? Or will this Kiki the Sequi be booze-proof?
We're all just dying to know. Xoxo... fin.
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