Declaration of Independence From Bad Movies Written by Nick Bernat
When in the course of personal events, I find it necessary to disolve from the atrocious forms of entertament presented to me which can only cause my mind to become stagnat in nature and atrophy from the sad display of cultural leisure, I will then see a need for more amusing oentertamenr, in the form of film. Upon realizing these facts I will then face the task of wedding out the low brow films and becoming independent from bad movies.
I hold these truth to be self-evident, the everyone is entitled to certain movie rights bewed upon them by Hollywood. These rights are to sit through a movie without feeling the need to vomit; To not have to scream obsenities at the screen; To not be able to call what will happen within the next 30 minutes, or worse, the next hour. With this in mind Hollywood should be albe to build a better film industry, and to secure this, the film-making business may always contain a form of poise about them and be above producing low-cut trash and obviously rehashed storylines. To show the world the seriousness of this entertament quandry, I will list reasons for my declaration of independence and show the crime the Hollywood has commited upon me by allowing bad movies to be produced.
He has fourced me to watch Richard Gere fall in love with 20 different women, but also the same woman twice, except in two diffrent settings.
He makes sequals to movies that desparatly don't need sequals, such as "Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams", "Jaws II" and "III", "Children of the Corn Two-eight", and those forty-seven movies after the original "Land before Time"
He ruined great classics such as "Planet of the apes" and "Psycho".
He believes to himself that anyone would want to watch Paulie Shore in "Bio-Dome", David Duchovny in "Evolution" or Christ Kattan in "House on Haunted Hill".
He has forched me to believe every couple of years James Bond will run into one good girl and one bad girl and in a series of hi-jinx fall for the bad but ultimatly go for the good. But after a couple of years run into the same predicament and make the same mistake.
He was forced me to see the same underlying theme in every teen movie except in diffrent packages. These diffrent packages being:
There's a big party and it's going to be fun.
The nerdy girl gets the cool guy.
The nerdy guy gets the cool girl.
A couple of guys need to get some Boo-tay.
He has forced me to see the trend in girl-getting-guy teen movies as being; The girl and the guy meet, things are akward at first but then get great, something "horribly wrong"and theres a misunderstanding, then it's cleared up and works in the end. They kiss.
He gives false hope to all the girls watching these movies that one day a man will come along and make their lives perfect.
He makes it seem as if no matter how, no matter when, there are always terrorists transporting nuclear weapons, or buying nuclear weapons, or constructing nuclear weapons, or using nuclear weapons, or threatening with nuclear weapons, or hiding nuclear weapons, and no matter what, no matter how, when the good guy there the focus will be on the digital clock on the countdown, and the good guy will deconstruct it, or get rid of it, or sell it, or blow it up underground, within seconds before it destroys the world.
He has made Yoda become a digitization the scares me more now than Chewbaca.
He expects me to believe that a 35 year old man can play a junior in high school.
He produced such taglines as:
"Bullets are a girl's best friend."
"An army of mutants on a mission from Hell."
"A macabre story of two motercycle-riding, knife-weilding, shiv-shaving, gouging, arm-twisting, chain-lashing, scapel-flasing, acid throwing, gun-shooting, bone-breaking, pathological nuts and their pal the UNDERTAKER..."
He made a movie with Mariah Carey.
I therefore declare by the act of great film-making everywhere and well-thought out screenplays that I shall declare my independence from bad movies and I am absolve from poor filmmaking everywhere.
